Did I go backwards or forwards?

[Its_gotta_get_better]

Ok, I'm at day 23 of my reboot and it's been going pretty well. No porn. Not one second. I don't think about it, I don't long for it, and I don't flashback to it. I'm surprised because it has always been where I go when I'm sad or happy or mad or confused. I'm actually kind of zen about it.

Here's the question... I haven't been able to get hard enough to MO without porn for many many years, and I've had real trouble with ED for a long time. This morning I had the most amazing morning wood, which I take as a good sign. After the wood went away, I wanted to see if I could get it back without porn, just by relaxing and thinking about my wife. Shazam, it's back, and I kind of took it all the way. For the first time in more years than I can remember, I got hard and finished, no porn, no pills.

Should I feel happy or guilty?

 

[Feetfirst]

What's to feel guilty about? Whether you should be happy, well of course! Always! But the trick is to be happy regardless of the condition of your penis. I think there is something of an obsession out there with ED. It's not the end of the world and it's not necessarily surnominous with unhappiness nor does WOOD equal happiness. Happiness is a state of mind that is not dependant on the hardness or not of the penis. The less we concern ourselves with the state of our penis and the more we concern ourselves with state of our minds the happier we will be and chances are we will have a hard on whenever required as a nice little by product. Happy days. FF

 

[Gracie]

I don't think you went forwards or backwards.  As a wife though, if you are getting hard thinking about me, then share it with me.

 

[challenged]

Should I feel happy or guilty?

I think you should be encouraged that your reboot is already causing physical manifestations (e.g., morning wood) of the changes in your brain that you are trying to achieve.  I think you should also be encouraged that thoughts of your wife were stimulating, because this indicates that the correct pathways are being rewired.  I think the next step is directing those positive physical manifestations of rewiring towards sex with your wife.  Let her be your only source of O.  I think that would further help strengthen the right pathways.

As to guilt, I think that is something to try to discard.  This a process and you're making progress. I think many here are too quick to focus on little imperfections and missteps when there has been a commitment to change and positive steps have been made.

Keep up the good work and maintain your determination. 

 

[Its_gotta_get_better]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I appreciate them.

 

[Feetfirst]

Well said Challenged! Kindness and understanding to the self is the way forward, and the way forward isn't always in a straight line. It's the direction that matters. Happy new year! Peace.

 

[Dharmabum]

Gracie sorta hit the nail on the head.  If your wife knows about your addiction, then she knows your head has been filled with all sorts of scenarios that likely didn't involve her that much.

For her to know she was the focal point of your arousal and success, then she knows you now have her at the forefront of your fantasies. 

Our wives/partners have to put up with a lot of crap from us as we walk the road to recovery, not to mention the pain we caused when acting out.  I think talking about progress is good, even if it is awkward at times.  I know I have a hard time sharing progress, because it's bringing up a topic that - at its root - is a painful one.  But it's the elephant in the room anyway.  It's something both partners have to cope with if they are going to try to work together.  So, why not be open.  Most of us got in this situation by hiding anyway, so being open is a tactic we've likely rarely tried. 

As long as you are assessing your behaviors, checking in here, and working toward sobriety, you're moving forward.  Some days may be long strides other days stutter steps.  I can't say if this last experience was forward or not, but I know with all the scenarios in my head, it gives me solace to know that I am moving my wife back to the forefront of my sexual thoughts.  Usually, she was there with a large supporting cast?when you see that's not needed, that's a step forward.

hope this helps.  Rock on, sir!