Jimmy James

[Jimmy James]

I am a 47 year old, white, married, Christian father of 2 who is a porn addict that suffers from PIED. I am ashamed of my behavior because I know that it has hurt many women, including my loved ones (although they might not even be aware of it) as well as those in the porn industry.  I love my wife and kids and want to rid myself of this addiction as one part of an effort to be a better husband, father, and citizen. I am actually excited about kicking porn addiction.

I look forward to learning from everyone here as I work on my issues.

Thanks in advance for you support.

Jim

 

[LTE]

I am a 47 year old, white, married, Christian father of 2 who is a porn addict that suffers from PIED. I am ashamed of my behavior because I know that it has hurt many women, including my loved ones (although they might not even be aware of it) as well as those in the porn industry.  I love my wife and kids and want to rid myself of this addiction as one part of an effort to be a better husband, father, and citizen. I am actually excited about kicking porn addiction.

I look forward to learning from everyone here as I work on my issues.

Thanks in advance for you support.

Jim

Welcome to RN.

You can overcome this and move forward to a being a better version of yourself.

Much like you, I battled this problem for a long time and caused my share of harm to others because of it. The last two years has been a time of growth as a man and as a Christian. If I can do it, so can you.

 

[challenged]

Welcome JJ.  I think you'll be amazed how your thought processes and desires will be transformed once you stay away from porn. 

 

[Jimmy James]

I got my hands on my first Playboy or Penthouse when I was in 5th or 6th grade.  My son is in 6th grade.  I have not checked is iPad yet or had a conversation with him yet, but I have started using OpenDNS on our router to limit some potential access to inappropriate web sites.

I was in high school well before the internet was widely available, so porn was done the old fashioned way; magazines.  There were no adult video stores in my small Alabama town, but there was a newsstand that did not card teens, so that is how I got my fix.  That stand even accepted trade-ins of old mags and resold them.  How gross is that?  Used porn mags.

I can't remember when I saw my first porn video.  I think it was in high school, but I can't recall for sure.  It would have been in a group setting whenever it was.  I know I saw some porn in college.  Usually in a group setting, although I would occasionally get my hands on a friend's VHS and watch it by myself.  Still no easy access to adult stores and no internet, so I could only watch occasionally.

After college I moved to Ohio to a small town that does have an adult store.  I also had an apartment to myself, so I started to occasionally buy videos (DVD by now) and could PMO more often.  But then I got a roommate to save money which curbed it some, plus I was pretty active at the time. I started dating my now wife at this time as well, so porn was there, but not at the compulsive level yet.

I did not have my own computer until after we got married.  Even then we did only had dial up internet.  Even now we barely have broadband due to our rural location.  I am lucky to get 2 Mbps service even today.  My first internet porn was from some compuserve group I think.  My wife walked in on my viewing one time early on and simply said I am not going to do what you are looking at.  Eventually my porn viewing turned to downloading still images from usenet groups.  And then videos via bittorrent.  I remember hating when I ran out of space on the hard drive and had to make decisions about which videos to delete.  Most recently I got my porn fix from Tumblr blogs.  Somehow I found still images and animated gifs more interesting than videos.  I think it is because I can use my imagination more with pictures than videos.  I also turned to erotica (names of sites deleted to prevent possible triggers) when pictures were not doing it.

On Christmas Eve, my wife wanted to have sex after the kids went to bed, but before Santa brought out the presents.  I had PMOd that morning and assumed I would not be able to perform.  I gave my wife oral and we kissed a lot, but I told her she did not need to do anything for me.  If I had been expecting sex, I could have taken a blue pill and performed, but I was not prepared.  I felt really bad after this.

I have known for a long time that I have a problem and need to stop.  Yet I still PMOd for the next 2 days.  On December 27th after PMO, I stumbled across one of Gabe's videos, which led me to Reboot Nation.  I decided then and there that now is the time to take control.  I started my education process and here I am, ready for victory.

 

[Dharmabum]

Congratulations on taking this bold step, Jimmy James, and welcome to RBN.

There are peaks and valleys along this journey, but if you keep coming back and sharing your progress (and pitfalls) as well as chiming in on others' journeys, you'll find a network here to help you stay the course.  Just journaling can be a powerful antidote to acting out.

I can relate to so much of what you shared.  I discovered PMO in college.  Raised in a Christian home with very strong sense of right and wrong, and this was my outlet that didn't involve drinking, drugs, premarital sex, etc.  It was something I could do, could hide, and could feel safe with.  And I carried it into marriage, into parenthood, and finally had to reconcile that, at 47, I am not the man I wanted to be, the husband I want to be, or the role model to my kids I want to be.  (even though my kids don't know, there's no denying the time and energy I spent around my addiction could've been better utilized in more positive efforts)

Do all you can to take your wife on this journey with you, respecting her boundaries around what she does/doesn't want to know, of course.  Having your partner supporting you and keeping you accountable is huge.  For me, hiding from my wife was both shameful and exciting at once.  It creates confusion.  It creates distance and disconnect.  The past 2-3 weeks, we've had more heartfelt conversations and honesty about what we want and what we believe than we have in far too long, because I no longer have a closed door full of secrets.  Gauge how much you feel she wants to be a part of the process, but let her in as much as she is willing.  It is a powerful thing, taking the journey together.  And what she feels she can't be a part of, rely on others -  this forum, a counselor, clergy, or therapist, a step group, a trusted male friend, whatever works for you. 

We look forward to being here with you as you reboot and reclaim the life God intended for you. 

 

[LTE]

I got my hands on my first Playboy or Penthouse when I was in 5th or 6th grade.  My son is in 6th grade.  I have not checked is iPad yet or had a conversation with him yet, but I have started using OpenDNS on our router to limit some potential access to inappropriate web sites.

I was in high school well before the internet was widely available, so porn was done the old fashioned way; magazines.  There were no adult video stores in my small Alabama town, but there was a newsstand that did not card teens, so that is how I got my fix.  That stand even accepted trade-ins of old mags and resold them.  How gross is that?  Used porn mags.

I can't remember when I saw my first porn video.  I think it was in high school, but I can't recall for sure.  It would have been in a group setting whenever it was.  I know I saw some porn in college.  Usually in a group setting, although I would occasionally get my hands on a friend's VHS and watch it by myself.  Still no easy access to adult stores and no internet, so I could only watch occasionally.

After college I moved to Ohio to a small town that does have an adult store.  I also had an apartment to myself, so I started to occasionally buy videos (DVD by now) and could PMO more often.  But then I got a roommate to save money which curbed it some, plus I was pretty active at the time. I started dating my now wife at this time as well, so porn was there, but not at the compulsive level yet.

I did not have my own computer until after we got married.  Even then we did only had dial up internet.  Even now we barely have broadband due to our rural location.  I am lucky to get 2 Mbps service even today.  My first internet porn was from some compuserve group I think.  My wife walked in on my viewing one time early on and simply said I am not going to do what you are looking at.  Eventually my porn viewing turned to downloading still images from usenet groups.  And then videos via bittorrent.  I remember hating when I ran out of space on the hard drive and had to make decisions about which videos to delete.  Most recently I got my porn fix from Tumblr blogs.  Somehow I found still images and animated gifs more interesting than videos.  I think it is because I can use my imagination more with pictures than videos.  I also turned to erotica (Literotica and Nifty) when pictures were not doing it.

On Christmas Eve, my wife wanted to have sex after the kids went to bed, but before Santa brought out the presents.  I had PMOd that morning and assumed I would not be able to perform.  I gave my wife oral and we kissed a lot, but I told her she did not need to do anything for me.  If I had been expecting sex, I could have taken a blue pill and performed, but I was not prepared.  I felt really bad after this.

I have known for a long time that I have a problem and need to stop.  Yet I still PMOd for the next 2 days.  On December 27th after PMO, I stumbled across one of Gabe's videos, which led me to Reboot Nation.  I decided then and there that now is the time to take control.  I started my education process and here I am, ready for victory.

Your history and mine share some common ground. I've come to a conclusion and I think it might be good for all of us. IMO, while Internet porn is a super-stimulant and capable of causing plenty of problems in and of itself, my take on this is to eliminate masturbation. Once a person is committed to not masturbating porn becomes moot. You have have real sex or you can have make-believe sex, but not both. Which would you prefer? 

 

[Jimmy James]

Last night I was spooning my wife as we watched the Sugar Bowl and she played Candy Crush on her Kindle.  There was no sexual intent to the spooning and I had no physical sexual reaction.  Spooning, cuddling, back rubs, stroking her arm/leg, and playing with her hair are my wife's favorite way to be touched.  It is almost always completely non-sexual.  Anyway after the spooning was over and I was in that semi-conscious state before falling sound asleep, I was suddenly woken up by a dog barking.  I had the biggest,  hardest erection I have had in quite some time.  I did not touch it other than to verify it was real.  Prior to last night I had had some minor morning wood.  I don't know that it means much of anything because I have only been in the reboot process for such a short time, but it did feel good.

 

[LTE]

Last night I was spooning my wife as we watched the Sugar Bowl and she played Candy Crush on her Kindle.  There was no sexual intent to the spooning and I had no physical sexual reaction.  Spooning, cuddling, back rubs, stroking her arm/leg, and playing with her hair are my wife's favorite way to be touched.  It is almost always completely non-sexual.  Anyway after the spooning was over and I was in that semi-conscious state before falling sound asleep, I was suddenly woken up by a dog barking.  I had the biggest,  hardest erection I have had in quite some time.  I did not touch it other than to verify it was real.  Prior to last night I had had some minor morning wood.  I don't know that it means much of anything because I have only been in the reboot process for such a short time, but it did feel good.

Sounds like a good start.

 

[ianmac]

Great to see you here doing this Jimmy.  You're not alone.  Keep it up one day at a time.
IM

 

[Jimmy James]

Mornings, particularly Saturday mornings like right now, have always been my time to PMO.  This will be a time I will always have to always have a plan for.  Today is not a big deal because my son has someone sleeping over and they are in the basement family room where the computer is.  I always wake up a couple of hours before the rest of the family.  Some of that is simply because I am used to getting up early for work and part because my back hurts after laying in bed all night.  This morning I was awake early because my back hurt.  I was slightly tempted to MO (while still in bed next to my wife), but that always involved porn fantasy which I know is not any better for me than PMO.  I was able to resist the temptation and eventually fell back asleep for a bit.  One little victory.

I woke up in the middle of the night and had a decent erection again.  Hopefully a good sign on the PIED front.  And I did not touch it, which is definitely a good sign.

 

[LTE]

Mornings, particularly Saturday mornings like right now, have always been my time to PMO.  This will be a time I will always have to always have a plan for.  Today is not a big deal because my son has someone sleeping over and they are in the basement family room where the computer is.  I always wake up a couple of hours before the rest of the family.  Some of that is simply because I am used to getting up early for work and part because my back hurts after laying in bed all night.  This morning I was awake early because my back hurt.  I was slightly tempted to MO (while still in bed next to my wife), but that always involved porn fantasy which I know is not any better for me than PMO.  I was able to resist the temptation and eventually fell back asleep for a bit.  One little victory.

I woke up in the middle of the night and had a decent erection again.  Hopefully a good sign on the PIED front.  And I did not touch it, which is definitely a good sign.

Much of my recovery comes down to one thing, I refuse to touch myself for pleasure. It was a habit, one I am happy to have broken.

Keep up the good work.

 

[Jimmy James]

Up early again while no one else is awake.  Prime time for PMO in the past.  It is no longer an option for me.

I had an erection as I was going to bed last night and had some weak morning wood this morning.  No touching allowed except for a quick feel to make sure it is real.  I noticed that I could enhance it a bit by flexing the muscles in the area.  It also got a bit harder if I thought about sex with my wife.  I am not allowing myself any porn fantasy.  Getting an erection with my wife was usually not the problem, but maintaining it sure was.  I will not be "cured" until I can maintain an erection with my wife.

I have been trying to identify my triggers, so that I can avoid them when necessary.  However, the only trigger I can really think of is being alone.  I used to actually plan for alone time so I could PMO.  Mornings, the shower, when the rest of family is out, even being awake in bed while my wife sleeps are my danger times.  I need to make sure I have something better to do when I am alone.  Right now that is porn addiction education in the morning.  I need to start exercising in the mornings again.  I have several home improvement projects to work on when the family is away.  When the weather is good, I can work on my golf game in the back yard.  Winter is probably not the best time for keeping myself occupied. 

I don't really think sub-porn images (TV, advertisements, etc) or even real people dressed provocatively are my triggers.  I can't recall any times where an image led me to PMO.  I usually had already planned to PMO whenever I would be alone regardless of any images I might see.  I am trying to think empathetically about women when I notice their bodies, regardless of how they are dressed. I still don't think I should be testing myself too much.  I read the Don Jon thread in the Porn Addiction forum and I think it is a movie I would like to see and I don't think it would be a trigger, but I am not sure.  But since I don't have Netflix (internet connection way too slow) and we don't have many rental options around here anymore, I don't think I will see it anytime soon anyway.

No withdrawal symptoms yet.  In fact, I feel pretty good.  I feel relieved.

Porn is not an option.

 

[ChangeNow]

I am glad you are doing well today. You and are very similar in our stories of addication and how it progressed to now. I also feel like being alone is a big trigger. I also look for time to be alone myself. I would even not feel "well" so that I could stay home when she would go somewhere. It looks like you and I are starting our journeys about the same time, so I will keep checking on your progress. I want for both of us to break free from this addiction and am determined with this forum to do it, 30 plus years is to many.

 

[Jimmy James]

Thanks CN.  I look forward to hearing more about your progress.  We will definitely help each other out.

 

[Jimmy James]

My wife just left to take the kids to a school function.  More prime PMO time that I will not be using.  Instead, I am going to exercise.

 

[LTE]

My wife just left to take the kids to a school function.  More prime PMO time that I will not be using.  Instead, I am going to exercise.

Good strategy.

 

[Jimmy James]

My tracker says I have made it 12 days without PMO.  While that is much longer than I have gone in quite a long time and sort of seems like an accomplishment, I know that alone really means nothing.  I still have about 15,000 more days to go. 

I really have not had too many urges to watch porn at all.  I hope it stays that way, but I am sure I will have some tough days too. I have realized one of my triggers is the fact that I have sensitive nipples that I like to play with when PMO and I like when my wife plays with them.  I have caught myself almost unconsciously starting to move towards playing with them, but I have stopped myself from doing it.  I think this could possible trigger porn fantasy at a minimum and possible PMO.  I will need to pay attention to this and not allow myself the opportunity to do it and consciously stop myself when necessary. 

I don't feel triggered by women on TV, Facebook, or in real life.  I do notice attractive women and momentarily acknowledge to myself that they are attractive.  I am a boob man.  Always have been and probably always will be.  But it ends there and does not cause to me consider seeking porn or porn fantasy.  One thing I have been trying to do is find some empathy for each woman I make this acknowledgement about.  I ask myself what she or her husband, mother, father, son, daughter or my wife, mother, father, son, or daughter would think if I said out loud to them what I was thinking.  If they are dressed "slutty," I ask myself about the unknown circumstances that might lead her to feel the need to dress that way.  I try to humanize her in some way so that I can quit thinking of her sexually or otherwise objectifying her.  I am also trying to find ways to empathize with women that I don't find particularly attractive.  I hope I can use this to keep me from wanting to view porn too.

Other than that, things are going well.  I feel good and have not had too many withdrawal symptoms.  I wouldn't say I have had much of a libido, either towards my wife or towards porn seeking.  But I did not necessarily have it before I started my reboot either.  I get occasional nocturnal and morning wood, but not super hard.  I guess I am not sure what to expect this soon into the process.  I look forward to the day I get hard just from my wife's touch again.  That is the 2nd most important goal of this reboot, with just being free being number one.

 

[LTE]

At this point, IMHO, the thing to keep in mind is that you now know that it is possible to not be hooked on porn and masturbation. This is a big thing. 2 1/2 years ago, I was not sure that anyone was able to be free of porn and masturbation. Then, on 12/02/2012, I learned that porn was actually addictive and that there were plenty of people without that addiction. Two years and change later and I am one of those people that is living free of porn and masturbation.

Not stimulating yourself in any way, nipples, whatever, is a smart move. If you want to becomee erect, merely at your wife's touch, you must make her the sole source of sexual stimulation in your life.

You can have real sex, or you can have make-believe sex, but not both. Which would you prefer? 

 

[Dharmabum]

Great point, lte.  I even tried to convince myself that as long as I M'ed or MO'ed while thinking about my wife, it was acceptable.  Instead, it was just yet another slippery slope.  In my 25 days or so of sobriety this time, I've had more independent erections (MW) and harder, intense experiences with my wife than I have in years.  I'm convinced it's because I've shut off ALL other options for stimulation.

I keep hoping the flatline isn't going to be an issue this time, but even if it is, I have to remind myself - and encourage others to remember - that it's just a stage, and this too shall most likely pass.  But "checking yourself" isn't necessary, but it's often damn tempting. 

Jimmy, I'm a leg man, and have had a foot fetish as long as I can remember (like, grade school), so for me, going out anytime here in the South between, say, March and November, offers visual stimuli.  I'm hoping these winter months in which ladies are more bundled up give me a chance to build up some resistance.  My sponsor told me about the 3 second rule yesterday.  If you're looking at or thinking about someone beyond 3 seconds, you need to check yourself.  And he said 3 seconds was generous.  I've got some work to do there, and I wish you the best as you retrain your body and brain to react solely to your wife's touch and beauty. 

It's a challenging road, but a rewarding one.  Glad we're all here together.

 

[Jimmy James]

Up early again on Saturday morning.  More prime PMO time that I will not be using.

It does help that my son had someone spend the night and they are in the basement family room where the computer is, but I really don't have any urges to PMO anyway.

I will just watch some Premier League soccer this morning and then I have some projects to do this afternoon.

Lots of nonsexual cuddling with my wife last night.  Decent morning wood this morning.  No touching except to figure out "hey what's this".

14 days sober, 15,000 more to go.