Hi I'm 17 years old, and have an addiction problem. Heads up this may be long,sometimes unrelated but I do need the vent only way I'll move on to do bigger things and THERE WILL BE TRIGGERS 
. I think it all begins before I was in first grade. I had 2 cousins who I loved spending time with. 1 was girl and 1 was a boy. The girl I'll name Kate. Kate was a year older but whenever we were alone together, we would try to have sex whenever we could. Besides the fact we were little kids and trying sexual stuff so early, it didn't really mess me up. I remember one day i spent the night at her house and Kate, her mom, and I were sleeping on the same bed and her mom had her butt all over my junk. I felt something but didn't think much of it. So I guess that's my first time feeling that. Now my other cousin, I'll name Joe. Joe was cool. We would do stupid stuff like any boy would. Except two times Joe tried to get sexual with me and it just confused the hell out of me. Then i never hung out with him. Now the year I became a 1st grader my family and I moved to a new house in a better community. I became friends with some guys in the neighborhood that were all 3 years older than me. They watched porn all the time. We've all seen each other junk and I mean It was funny that we would laugh at porn but I mean I was way younger and now I've become this horny little boy who knew a lot more than kids my age knew,sexually speaking. I was sexually attracted to girls so early. Still now I have no idea if that's okay for kids in elementary school but it is what it is I suppose? Fast forward to middle school years I was a bad player. I felt like a man picking up young girl, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE MY AGE. There was one girl though. That I really did fall in love with. We had a serious thing. We talked everyday for hours up until morning literally everyday for 2 years, 7th-8th grade. But then me being a player and teachers aware of this made rules on touching bizarrely strict and didn't want us even hugging. I won't leave out the fact that I did makeout, and touch girls plenty of times but it was all in good times never caught or seen. One day my last year in 8th grade, about to go to high school I was paneled/expelled out with my friend for sexual harassment because I touched one girl's boob. Worst part is she didn't even want to tell on me T_T. My friend pissed off her friend and she got both of us into trouble. I ended up going to an alternative school for people who get expelled which is ghetto-ish, pretty bad experience for a guy like me, ladies' man, thankfully another of my friend got paneled too for the same thing.( School went through a phase of punishing student harshly ). Being cut off from all my friends and grounded and holed up in my house 2/3 of the school year, I had no female to connect with. so the first girl i did connect with was my cousin who was younger than me , than my mom's friend's daughter who was younger than me, than my friend's sister who was younger than me and then one of the older friend's little sister who was still younger than me. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a virgin despite all of this. Never passed making out or touching genitals. But to this day I feel SO MUCH FREAKING GUILTY that I let out my sexual frustration on them and fear they may even become like me. I punish myself every chance I see. Now forward more to my freshmen and sophomore year. I'm back at school with the people I've been going to school with since 1st grade. All the girls come flooding back and I come back to be a player. Soon enough, I've realized there have been so many girls that seriously thought they loved me and friendship ruined over me, people sad because I didn't stay with them, girls confessing their love to me and I just couldn't accept it anymore. I realized this so painfully when I hear the the girl I fell in love with in middle school sucked dudes dick while i was paneled/expelled, or when I see her at my school for the sophomore homecoming dance and fall in love again. I also see a girl that has probably been in love with me longer than anyone else. I totally ignored her and went with Brittany( girl I loved ). In the end, Brittany and I never worked out. My heart was broken. Was so hurt and I realized what it was like for all the other girls and pretty much forbid myself from having a relationship and any sort of happiness with any girl. This really messed me up because I ended up going back to good ole' porn. When i was feeling lustful, when i was stressed and evicted out my home i grew up in with my single mom who got divorced twice, step-father a jerk and watched porn and left porn on all the time, Family drama, me losing ties with mom, mom thrashing out and taking stress out on me, next thing i know we're taking taking of my cousin from Australia, from my dead step-aunt or aunt-in-law who called my mom and and told her in her dieing words that she wants my mom to take care of him? so now I have this little brother that has my mom working long hours and has me holed up in our apartment, not because i did anything wrong but because I have a responsibility to babysit my brother. I would just fap it all away, or smoke tree ( not anymore, quit while back ). but yeah all that has lead to me becoming a boy trying to become social again, lost a lot of friends, and i always end up repelling girls by being this depressed guy, my mother and I don't have a great relationship. My body is becoming unhealthy because I'm not taking care of it like I should be, I have a friend who has helped me these couple of months but he doesn't know about the porn addiction. At least he doesn't think it's the root of my anxiety or depression. But I think if I could go through life without have a shred of doubt, lustful thinking about the body, and see the things i saw in people that I was able to see before, I will be happy, more confident, think more clearly, and above all else love people again. Its 5:30 in the morning now on New Year's and something happened and I realize I'm not going to live my life like this anymore, I'm not going to let my mom suffer anymore or have my little brother feel like he's just a baggage holding my mom and I down. I want to be able to be the smart and loving person I can be. You know living up to my potential and not letting it go to waste before it's too late. I've had enough of regret, sorrow, loneliness, and pain. Today January 1st is going to be the first day I go on my journey. Who knows maybe this is will be a start of a new prodigy>. Okay I won't get to cocky.
. I think it all begins before I was in first grade. I had 2 cousins who I loved spending time with. 1 was girl and 1 was a boy. The girl I'll name Kate. Kate was a year older but whenever we were alone together, we would try to have sex whenever we could. Besides the fact we were little kids and trying sexual stuff so early, it didn't really mess me up. I remember one day i spent the night at her house and Kate, her mom, and I were sleeping on the same bed and her mom had her butt all over my junk. I felt something but didn't think much of it. So I guess that's my first time feeling that. Now my other cousin, I'll name Joe. Joe was cool. We would do stupid stuff like any boy would. Except two times Joe tried to get sexual with me and it just confused the hell out of me. Then i never hung out with him. Now the year I became a 1st grader my family and I moved to a new house in a better community. I became friends with some guys in the neighborhood that were all 3 years older than me. They watched porn all the time. We've all seen each other junk and I mean It was funny that we would laugh at porn but I mean I was way younger and now I've become this horny little boy who knew a lot more than kids my age knew,sexually speaking. I was sexually attracted to girls so early. Still now I have no idea if that's okay for kids in elementary school but it is what it is I suppose? Fast forward to middle school years I was a bad player. I felt like a man picking up young girl, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE MY AGE. There was one girl though. That I really did fall in love with. We had a serious thing. We talked everyday for hours up until morning literally everyday for 2 years, 7th-8th grade. But then me being a player and teachers aware of this made rules on touching bizarrely strict and didn't want us even hugging. I won't leave out the fact that I did makeout, and touch girls plenty of times but it was all in good times never caught or seen. One day my last year in 8th grade, about to go to high school I was paneled/expelled out with my friend for sexual harassment because I touched one girl's boob. Worst part is she didn't even want to tell on me T_T. My friend pissed off her friend and she got both of us into trouble. I ended up going to an alternative school for people who get expelled which is ghetto-ish, pretty bad experience for a guy like me, ladies' man, thankfully another of my friend got paneled too for the same thing.( School went through a phase of punishing student harshly ). Being cut off from all my friends and grounded and holed up in my house 2/3 of the school year, I had no female to connect with. so the first girl i did connect with was my cousin who was younger than me , than my mom's friend's daughter who was younger than me, than my friend's sister who was younger than me and then one of the older friend's little sister who was still younger than me. Don't get me wrong. I'm still a virgin despite all of this. Never passed making out or touching genitals. But to this day I feel SO MUCH FREAKING GUILTY that I let out my sexual frustration on them and fear they may even become like me. I punish myself every chance I see. Now forward more to my freshmen and sophomore year. I'm back at school with the people I've been going to school with since 1st grade. All the girls come flooding back and I come back to be a player. Soon enough, I've realized there have been so many girls that seriously thought they loved me and friendship ruined over me, people sad because I didn't stay with them, girls confessing their love to me and I just couldn't accept it anymore. I realized this so painfully when I hear the the girl I fell in love with in middle school sucked dudes dick while i was paneled/expelled, or when I see her at my school for the sophomore homecoming dance and fall in love again. I also see a girl that has probably been in love with me longer than anyone else. I totally ignored her and went with Brittany( girl I loved ). In the end, Brittany and I never worked out. My heart was broken. Was so hurt and I realized what it was like for all the other girls and pretty much forbid myself from having a relationship and any sort of happiness with any girl. This really messed me up because I ended up going back to good ole' porn. When i was feeling lustful, when i was stressed and evicted out my home i grew up in with my single mom who got divorced twice, step-father a jerk and watched porn and left porn on all the time, Family drama, me losing ties with mom, mom thrashing out and taking stress out on me, next thing i know we're taking taking of my cousin from Australia, from my dead step-aunt or aunt-in-law who called my mom and and told her in her dieing words that she wants my mom to take care of him? so now I have this little brother that has my mom working long hours and has me holed up in our apartment, not because i did anything wrong but because I have a responsibility to babysit my brother. I would just fap it all away, or smoke tree ( not anymore, quit while back ). but yeah all that has lead to me becoming a boy trying to become social again, lost a lot of friends, and i always end up repelling girls by being this depressed guy, my mother and I don't have a great relationship. My body is becoming unhealthy because I'm not taking care of it like I should be, I have a friend who has helped me these couple of months but he doesn't know about the porn addiction. At least he doesn't think it's the root of my anxiety or depression. But I think if I could go through life without have a shred of doubt, lustful thinking about the body, and see the things i saw in people that I was able to see before, I will be happy, more confident, think more clearly, and above all else love people again. Its 5:30 in the morning now on New Year's and something happened and I realize I'm not going to live my life like this anymore, I'm not going to let my mom suffer anymore or have my little brother feel like he's just a baggage holding my mom and I down. I want to be able to be the smart and loving person I can be. You know living up to my potential and not letting it go to waste before it's too late. I've had enough of regret, sorrow, loneliness, and pain. Today January 1st is going to be the first day I go on my journey. Who knows maybe this is will be a start of a new prodigy>. Okay I won't get to cocky.