dealing with the darkness.

[indiana]

I'm here, still doing well but I've been all over the place emotionally. From feeling good about getting back into recovery, moving towards being the man I want to be, to feeling utterly defeated and suicidal. Today I was planning on going for a long run, then depression overtook me and I curled up in bed and just slept. After waking up I was feeling really low, and had the thought of going to porn, I was on my phone, on instagram and for the first time over this reboot, I thought about going back, about how easy i would be, and this upsets me. Instead I got up, went for a run, and feel way better.

It's going to be important to learn how to be proactive when feeling like that. Also, learning to accept that those moments of temptation will come and not beating myself up for being tempted.

How do you guys deal with those dark moments?

 

[Fappy]

Well done mate! Thats a massive win for you!
When i get in that situation i just remind myself of all that my addiction has taken from me. Things ill never get back.
This is an instant urge killer.
As bad as the withdrawal symptoms get, you will feel worse if you give in.

 

[indiana]

Fappy, thanks for the reply! I really needed someone to get respond.

It is a win, but I feel less than great that I even thought about going back. When I did, I could feel my higher brain say "No, not again" and I listened to it, but it's just, when will my lower brain get it. I fully understand that's not how the process works, but hey, that's how I feel.

And yes, the withdrawal is heaven compared to the numbed, depressed, stupor after a binge where it's all black.

Do you get out and do anything to change directions?

 

[Fappy]

I try to get out and go shopping or have a swim, and practice walking meditation in my garden.
But i also try to get out of that mindset. Remove my mind from the tempting situation although my body remains there. This is because it isnt always possible to go out or physically remove ourselves from the environmental urges. So we need a mental escape hatch, somewhere we can go in our mind to be rid of the temptation. 

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hey indiana,

I'm absolutely fascinated about how strong you were today! And thank you so much for sharing this

Well, how do I deal with these situations (and yes, I've had them, too). I think it depends on what type of man you are. You seem to be more the active type. Running sets free endorphines, so basically your brain cries for a hormone kick and you give it to him...not by watching porn, but by exercising which is far more healthy. For me, this would only work in specific situations...namely in situations were I feel like "running away" (from porn? from myself?). I don't run but use the bike instead to make more distance in shorter time. The effect is the same though.

What has always helped me in various difficult situations is thinking and analyzing. I analyze everyone and everything. It gives me a feeling of controlling. I can deal with problems I understand. Not understanding something is the worst that can happen to me. I rationalize my emotion when they overwhelm me negatively. I picture dopamine in its chemical structure, I picture how it is created and set free after nervous stimulation of the respective brain regions. That helps me to stop the process. The concluding question for me is always the same: "WHO's the fucking boss?". The answer is: me. By understanding the process, I stand above it.

I know this is totally different to serious depressions...but when I suffer from really really "bad mood", I have two options:
a) I recall what happens in my brain right now. I understand that this is only an emotion and emotions are as physically as everything else on earth. So, really, I am not a victim of something magical or uncontrollable. I also do exercises of relaxation and self-hypnosis to gain control over subconsciousness. It works to a certain extent, but not fully. And it took me years to get there.
b) I accept. I understand that it makes me human to have bad mood. And that later that day (or tomorrow) I might laugh about the present me. I will thank it for having had bad mood, because then I will be able to appreciate happiness even more.

If you want to exercise acceptance, then get up from bed when suffering too much. Stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say something like "I am feeling low today. That might not be good, but it is as it is. It makes me human and I like myself just exactly the way I am". You'll see it helps you and it might even raise your mood.

 

[indiana]

Chaos, thank you for the great reply filled wit wisdon.

"I know this is totally different to serious depressions...but when I suffer from really really "bad mood", I have two options:
a) I recall what happens in my brain right now. I understand that this is only an emotion and emotions are as physically as everything else on earth. So, really, I am not a victim of something magical or uncontrollable. I also do exercises of relaxation and self-hypnosis to gain control over subconsciousness. It works to a certain extent, but not fully. And it took me years to get there.
b) I accept. I understand that it makes me human to have bad mood. And that later that day (or tomorrow) I might laugh about the present me. I will thank it for having had bad mood, because then I will be able to appreciate happiness even more."

I was thinking along the lines of both of these, but I have a bit of OCD and can get hung up on my imperfections unrealistically so.

I think I'm going re-read 'Your Brain On Porn' to continue to foster understanding about what I'm going through. I've read it once, but after years of just feeling totally fucked, I think a few more readings will be needed to allow it to sink in.

The highs and the lows are part of life, for sure, i just need to learn how to deal with the lows a but more proactively.

Thank you again.

 

[Poker]

[move][/move]Wow am I feeling you right now.....

I too suffer from depression.  The porn doesn't help, but I'd suffer from it regardless.  The porn however was a bad trigger.  I'd watch for hours and hours, and when the family came home, I'd be such a bad fucking mood.

My thoughts of suicide have subsided dramatically.  I still curl up in bed a lot of days in the morning, but I try to manage it.

What I've learned is....  you have to identify when a funk is coming on.  What you tell yourself at that point is critical.  You can either ride the bitter bus and let the depression win....  or make a conscious decision that the little voice in your head is liar, and tell yourself the truth.  You have to tell yourself the good things.  It can be turned around. 

I'm on your side my friend.  Good luck in your journey.

Cheers,

p.

 

[indiana]

Poker, I'm finally realizing the same thing. When it's coming on, I can feel it, and though I can't wish it away, I can make choices that will be better or worse for my well being.

I do think it can be turned around, I think getting rid of the porn, and building the life I've wanted will be a huge part.

I'm on your side too man,
best,
indiana.