Chaos Mind
Active Member
Dear all,
a topic that has been preying on my mind for months and years. And I would like to discuss it with you. Before you read: we will be talking about different sources of "danger". Media that haunt you and are to blame for your being here seeking help. People who are quick to relapse might not want to follow this thread as it could contain specific triggers.
That said...I want to put a thesis up for discussion. It is not only porn. Or we might have to redefine what porn really is. Commonly we all speak of pornographic material as something we can have a look at. Exposed nudity and sex scenes. Today it is mainly internet videos, but it used to be pictures and magazines. We could, e.g., argue if the Playboy is a porn magazine. Definetely I would not dare look at one during my time of recovery, but did it do any harm when we did it a few years ago? Is fapping while looking at playmate of the month PMOing? Well, for some it is, for some it ss not. That's my point.
We all had and have different "sources" that pose(d) a threat for the healthiness of our sexuality. This is mine:
The longer I kept clear from porn videos, the more I understood that these videos were harmful, but they were not my worst enemy. What I "miss" the most, is intimate conversational online contact to other women. I had been on chat rooms. Sometimes explicit erotic chats where cs and erotic role play games were performed. But sometimes it was just regular chats. Talking to other women, complimenting on them, flirting with them. That is my worst enemy. You could say now that mere talking cannot spoil sexuality, but for me it clearly has. It has an effect on me and the relationship to my girlfriend. My desire to cheat on her had grown stronger and stronger over the years. In the role play games, I could be anyone. And she could be anyone, too. I enjoyed playing the submissive boy from time to time. And then I'd be the dominant man, acting out all my darkest fantasies. Everything was possible. I was proud to be so "open minded" while really all I did is creating and feeding fetishes. I became more and more a pervert in the online world and now I am afraid it could have also affected real life. That's why I had to stop. That's why I am here. While chatting, I kept erections up for several hours, emptying all reserves of dopamine to the very last drop. And now exactly that has become a problem.
I can stay away from porn sites. I don't feel these urges at the moment. But lately I was shocked to find out, how much I was craving contact to females. I was shocked to find out that I was turned on by the "Partners of Rebooters and Addicts" section here, just because it's mostly women who post there (I had to cool down a little until I could reply to these threads on a rational basis). I've made my play partners slip into the role of my female friends. Now everytime I look at them, these fantasies come back into my mind. I have female online friends on several forums and I know now I'd better quit many, if not most of them.
I think I lost track about which fantasies are ok and which are not. When talking to a girl I always have to search my mind: do I do that because I find it arousing talking to her? Or do I do it because I simply like her and like to hear what she has to say. Would I have the same converstaion if she was a man? Getting rid of this habit is incredibly difficult. But if I don't do it, staying away from sex videos won't heal me, I think.
So what's up with you? Are the videos really your only problem? Has it affected different parts of your life and your interactions with other women, too? Do these problems all go hand in hand?
a topic that has been preying on my mind for months and years. And I would like to discuss it with you. Before you read: we will be talking about different sources of "danger". Media that haunt you and are to blame for your being here seeking help. People who are quick to relapse might not want to follow this thread as it could contain specific triggers.
That said...I want to put a thesis up for discussion. It is not only porn. Or we might have to redefine what porn really is. Commonly we all speak of pornographic material as something we can have a look at. Exposed nudity and sex scenes. Today it is mainly internet videos, but it used to be pictures and magazines. We could, e.g., argue if the Playboy is a porn magazine. Definetely I would not dare look at one during my time of recovery, but did it do any harm when we did it a few years ago? Is fapping while looking at playmate of the month PMOing? Well, for some it is, for some it ss not. That's my point.
We all had and have different "sources" that pose(d) a threat for the healthiness of our sexuality. This is mine:
The longer I kept clear from porn videos, the more I understood that these videos were harmful, but they were not my worst enemy. What I "miss" the most, is intimate conversational online contact to other women. I had been on chat rooms. Sometimes explicit erotic chats where cs and erotic role play games were performed. But sometimes it was just regular chats. Talking to other women, complimenting on them, flirting with them. That is my worst enemy. You could say now that mere talking cannot spoil sexuality, but for me it clearly has. It has an effect on me and the relationship to my girlfriend. My desire to cheat on her had grown stronger and stronger over the years. In the role play games, I could be anyone. And she could be anyone, too. I enjoyed playing the submissive boy from time to time. And then I'd be the dominant man, acting out all my darkest fantasies. Everything was possible. I was proud to be so "open minded" while really all I did is creating and feeding fetishes. I became more and more a pervert in the online world and now I am afraid it could have also affected real life. That's why I had to stop. That's why I am here. While chatting, I kept erections up for several hours, emptying all reserves of dopamine to the very last drop. And now exactly that has become a problem.
I can stay away from porn sites. I don't feel these urges at the moment. But lately I was shocked to find out, how much I was craving contact to females. I was shocked to find out that I was turned on by the "Partners of Rebooters and Addicts" section here, just because it's mostly women who post there (I had to cool down a little until I could reply to these threads on a rational basis). I've made my play partners slip into the role of my female friends. Now everytime I look at them, these fantasies come back into my mind. I have female online friends on several forums and I know now I'd better quit many, if not most of them.
I think I lost track about which fantasies are ok and which are not. When talking to a girl I always have to search my mind: do I do that because I find it arousing talking to her? Or do I do it because I simply like her and like to hear what she has to say. Would I have the same converstaion if she was a man? Getting rid of this habit is incredibly difficult. But if I don't do it, staying away from sex videos won't heal me, I think.
So what's up with you? Are the videos really your only problem? Has it affected different parts of your life and your interactions with other women, too? Do these problems all go hand in hand?
