How do I talk with my Boyfriend about his addiction

[wasanut]

Sorry for this lengthy post, but I need some help.
I have known for a long time my Boyfriend has had an internet porno addiction. At first, I thought the porn viewing would enhance our sex life. For him to see how to touch a woman and to make a woman feel awesome. But that was not the case. We would go weeks and months without sex, but I would see he was viewing porn on the computer every day that I was at work and he was at home alone.  We have had many conversations and arguments regarding his viewing issues. And his non ability in maintaining an erection during sex. So much so, that I asked him to see a doctor about it.  Wondering if he had low testosterone levels. He said he ask the doctor and all came out fine. 

So I have always wondered why he can not maintain an erection. Is it that he just doesn't find me attractive anymore. We have been together for over 4 years now. At first our sex life was great. We could do (or I could do) all different sex positions during sex and have a lot of fun in the process. But now, sorry to be so frank, even giving him a BJ does not get him hard. And when he does get hard, when he enters me he loses his erection.

I have googled this issue for over 2 years now and spoke with my doctor for advice. I just found this website and am hoping for some direction on how to approach him regarding the issue of porn addiction and ED. I do love him, but don't know how long this relationship can progress because of this issue. And to make matters worse, he now has a smartphone and is viewing porn on his phone at work.

Any help on how to start a conversation with him would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Rival 2015]

Hi wasanut,
I really enjoyed reading your post. It brought back some bad memories I had with my ex girlfriend. Not so long ago I was going through the same issue. My girlfriend would start seducing me after work, and even though I was able to get hard sometimes, It usually wasn't hard enough for any real activity. Although our sex life was pretty good in the beginning, over time we just had it less frequently, and I would notice that she would have to finish herself off on some occasions which made me really sad. In the 4 years we were together, our sex life was more like every blue moon instead of a steady rhythm. She tried the best she knew how to get us regularly having sex again but it just didn't happen. Our relationship became one based solely on emotion without much physical activity outside of kissing and minor sexual acts. We have been broken up about a year now, and although she never knew what the issue was, I knew all along.

I was addicted to porn. Every single day, I would wait till she went to work (I usually got home before she did) and masturbate to porn, sometimes 2 or 3 times before she came home. Sometimes I would not masturbate at all so I could save my sexual energy for when she came home but that usually led nowhere. I tried to secretly stop watching porn while we were together, but I was trapped. I had loads of sexual energy and high libido, but I couldn't have sex with her due to ED, so I felt like I had no choice but to watch porn. My addiction was so bad, that I actually preferred the porn over my gf. I could watch any type of fantasy I had without my gf even knowing.

Looking back on it, I can't believe I was so addicted. As a recovering porn addict, please listen to me when I tell you that none of this is your fault! He likely had this problem (as most of us do) before you even met him. You can still help your bf get away from his addiction.

First he has to be honest with you and to himself that he has an addiction. Next you two have to decide that you are willing to work together to get your sex life back on track, no matter how difficult it is (And trust me, it will be). Also, understand that erectile dysfunction is a very embarrassing topic for any man, and you must approach this issue carefully. I suggest reading some more blogs and success stories about couples that got over this problem together and work out your own strategies! Good Luck!  8)

 

[William]

Hi wasanut, I agree with what Rival said.  This problem is much bigger than you conceive it, I am afraid.  Understand the process, porn is a button we push to get a dopamine high, best drug in the world.  As much as he probably loves you, he loves dopamine a lot too, and, if he has not acknowledged he is addicted to a dopamine high he may resent you when you try and help because though you are saying "let's make it better" what he is hearing (whether he puts it in exactly these words are not) are "you are trying to kill something I love."  He probably does not know it but what he actually loves is a dopamine high.  I don't think the problem can be fixed until he at least acknowledges he may have a problem.  If you can, in a non judgmental way, get him to watch this video, it might help.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

That is Gary Wilson, one of the leading researchers on porn addiction explaining the problem in scientific and non judgmental terms.  It would be a mistake to judge porn addiction in a moral sense, it is a chemical reaction, nothing more, nothing less, it is stimulation and response, cause and effect.  You mentioned about ED, erectile dysfunction and seeing a doctor about it, but, while of course if you feel there is a medical issue by all means do so, if he is a porn addict the problem and solution are very simple.  He has, inadvertently, unknowingly, rewired his sexual reward center to reward viewing of porn over actual physical sex.  Very common problem here and the number one reason guys quit porn.  There is no medical solution per se, no treatment, no drug than can fix it.  The "fix" is to rewire back to actual sex, and that means he must quit viewing porn as a means of getting a dopamine high, and must start rewarding sex, and only sex, as a means of getting that high.  It is not so bad, admitting the addiction, because the addiction is a relatively small problem with a relatively small fix, but it will hurt a bit.

I wish you luck.  Have the guy PM me if he wants to talk about it.

 

[wasanut]

Thanks Rival and William for responding...I know this will be hard on not only my bf, but for me as well. The video explained what has happen to his "brain", which is kinda what my doctor told me was going on when I asked for his advice. Now, to get him to watch this video and not porn. I am off work today, doing this research to help him and in the end to help us. Like I said, he just recently got a smart phone, don't think he knows a lot of what it can do. I first noticed the videos on his phone when I was down loading family pics a relative sent him. I should of said something then, but was shocked and hurt, and pretty much have been feeling more hurt and more discussed as the days go by. He is at work, I just checked his phone (and yes I do, guess the trust issue is at play) and he has already downloaded 3 porn videos today while at work. His demeanor has changed over the last 6 months or so, even his son has noticed he is moody and distant at times. He doesn't want to go out anywhere.  Doesn't bathe on a regular basis. This has gone to far as far as I am concerned, now its time to "take" him back.

 

[William]

You are welcome.  Not sure how far you want to push it or how far he is willing to be pushed, guided, given useful information, or wanst help or to change, but...here we embrace what is called the hard 90, 90 days porn free, PMO free, MO free, and without O unless it is with a real person. Hard mode.  One of the things I would advise is asking him to do the hard 90, and get rid of the smart phone, get a dumb phone, during that time period, and, also, with his consent, you can install K9 on his computers, and don't give him the password.  I mean, don't just do it, but ask his permission.  K9 is about 90% effective at blocking porn.  Of course, these are things he must voluntarily do.  The first step to freedom must be one he voluntarily takes.

He can read about how I have done it, if he wishes.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0

http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?2402-Get-educated-get-tools-and-learn-to-love-withdrawals

Peace

 

[Gracie]

Wasanut,  let him watch the video.  Then be frank.  Tell him things have to change.  You will be there to help him but things have to change.  You can be kind when you say this, but be assertive.  Let him know it is affecting him, you and all those around you.  Let him know you notice.  Tell him what you need.  For me some of things I said at the very beginning were:  In bed both of us at the same time.  No getting up in the middle of the night other than go to bathroom.  If he has a night meeting I wait up and if I have a night meeting he waits up.  Then I said we sleep naked every night.  (I needed to feel his skin, it gave me comfort.)  We incorporated some of things from Reuniting, Marnia's website.  And we talked, yelled, held and cried with each other. (we were married for 27 years at that point.)  We sit together on the couch every evening.  We kiss and hug hello and goodbye.  (Yes real kisses not pecks)  At 2 1/2 years after starting, we still have some downs.  He does not watch and has been clean that whole time.  But we still do the things above every single day.  (Something else we do when we are feeling bleah, is breathe in each other's breath with our mouths almost touching.  So helpful) 

Just remember, you have to feel secure to trust.  The things above helped me feel secure beyond measure.  Hope you stay active here.  Not many women on here anymore.

 

[enablerblue]

As much as he probably loves you, he loves dopamine a lot too, and, if he has not acknowledged he is addicted to a dopamine high he may resent you when you try and help because though you are saying "let's make it better" what he is hearing (whether he puts it in exactly these words are not) are "you are trying to kill something I love."

^^^^^ correct.

Be prepared for him to protect his addiction. I feel like SO and I had hundreds of discussions about porn addiction ruining our relationship & we got nowhere. He even went as far to pretend to agree with me, and still PMO behind my back. He thought I had no idea what I was talking about and that agreeing with me would basically just shut me up.

Your boyfriend may disagree with you. He may fight with you, and unfortunately there are many men out there who will back him up with the "Porn is normal" argument. This will not help you.
When it's destroying your life and your relationships, it's not normal.

Please be persistent and do not back down. You see how it has changed him. His lack of hygiene may be signalling that he is falling into a depression as well.
This is going to be a lot of work, if you choose to stay.

Unfortunately for me, my SO didn't understand how deep in his addiction he was until I kicked him out. We're working on things from a distance now. It took over a year of fighting about porn addiction, and me finally kicking him out for it to "click" in his head. He now feels awful that he dragged us all down with him & that we've had to go through this, but he understands now.

I only tell you this so you can prepare yourself. Bring it up with him, ask him to watch the video. But that one conversation may just be the beginning of a much larger ordeal.
Wishing you strength and peace.

 

[sender]

He has, inadvertently, unknowingly, rewired his sexual reward center to reward viewing of porn over actual physical sex. 

Not only this, but he has tuned his reward center (reduced its sensitivity) to expect sustained very high levels of dopamine which contact with you cannot hope to match.  That's why he can get aroused to porn, but not with you.  Doing this reduces his sensitivity to real physical sexual stimulation...by a LOT, resulting in impotence (ED).  You can mention this when talking with him about the problem; it might help him understand (a) that he has a problem and (b) what the problem is.  In other words, he is choosing to get high (on porn) instead of having satisfying sex with you.  Once a porn addict has gotten to this point, where he is suffering from ED issues, then it becomes an either/or proposition: either use porn or have satisfying sex with your partner.  You can't have both.

No man wants to be impotent; most would do anything to fix it.  At least this way, if he understands WHY he is impotent, and that it's totally curable, then hopefully he will become interested in doing something about it.  And if he doesn't, well...then he has made his choice.

 

[Rival 2015]

^^^CORRECT^^^

This is literally the BEST explanation of the final stage of Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction I've seen thus far! This is exactly why I decided to give up porn. I had the same two ^^^ options, and I decided no matter how much less of a dopamine high real sex may be in comparison to porn, I was willing to choose physical sex over the porn. The emotional and psycho-chemistry part of sex is completely non-existent with PMO, and this is what makes sex worth it. I'm sure your boyfriend would eventually come around once he understands these two options!

 

[kitesandflights]

I'm a wife of an addict.

You have to remember you have choices too. Your reaction is normal. Your pain is normal. Just like his addiction is, well, common. Just as you think he needs help, do not forget yourself in this. You may also want to seek therapy for this particular issue. It will break you down and as you have chosen to stand strong and try to bring the mirror to his face... yet, you have to do it with love. It cannot be for yourself to try to stop it for jealousy, or thinking it will cure your pain... You each have to work on yourself through this. As unfair as that might seem, he has to stop for himself so that his life can be better and coincidentally, it will make the relationship better. But don't forget yourself in this... Take care of yourself so that you can be better, stronger for him, for the relationship as you battle this together. Be good to yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Stay strong.

 

[dumbdumb]

I just yesterday told my wife about my problem.  She has found things in the past, but I've always been able to diffuse things and make it seem like it's ok.  This past summer, I started to feel really overwhelmed by my porn viewing and coupled with webcam use.  I brought it up to her, and told her about  how I felt I had a problem, but didn't yet have the courage to bring up the webcam part.  It was only yesterday, after months of still using porn and webcams that I finally broke down.  I told her everything.  She handled it reasonably well, but she has yet to allow me to explain in more detail.  I have so much anxiety right now. Waiting for her to allow me to speak to her.  I don't know if I can handle another work day like this.  But I also feel like I need to be out of the house and away from her so that she can have her space.  I desperately want her to understand how much I love her, how truly and deeply I love her.  How this was a problem before our relationship ever even started.  How long did you keep your husbands or boyfriends at arms length before you allowed them back in?  Is there any hope for us.  I just want this to be ok.

 

[chickaboomski]

having just discovered these sites myself and on the exact same journey as you with a very similar story to tell, may I say you are not alone and agree with kitesandflights that you need to make a decision for yourself based on the right reasons. I can say for myself, I am unsure of what my own pathway is right now. I am an experienced mental heal worker working with alcohol and drug addicts, I am also a personal trainer and fitness center owner and work with food addicts. None of my experience makes my own feelings easy to deal with. None of my experience prepared me for the availability in his pocket to go to the toilet even when I'm home, watch in bed before I got there, the feeling of being inadequate, unattractive or the feeling of I don't make him happy. I know the emotional bond is great, but I can't help to feel more than a best friend. In my single days, I have had a deeper intimate connection and mind blowing experience with strangers. I juggle my knowledge of addiction and the facts of the loss of control and all the science bits and pieces, but still struggle with the fact that I can not fix him, that he needs to be aware that he is an addict. I fear in the confrontation of it all, like all addicts he will go to extreme measures to hide his activity, which since I have not confronted him as yet, his browser history on his phone and computer tell all. I struggle with the fact that I regularly check these things, I don't like that our relationship has come to that, I don't lie the person I am becoming as a byproduct of his problem, and it is his problem. But if I choose to join the fight it become our problem, because of the side effects it has on us as partners. I wish you all the best with whatever path you choose.  And while I can not offer advice, you have my support. As for the getting him to watch the clip part, I have posted the science of porn addiction by asap science short youtube clip to my wall on facebook and wrote the status 'new age crisis'. With my work in addiction I felt I could post that and hopefully plant a seed in his brain. Xx best of luck