Time for something real

[mjames92]

Note: I'm new to Reboot Nation and I'm not sure yet what is and isn't worthy of a trigger warning. I mention general things about my sex life and PMO habits here. Please let me know if I've violated any forum etiquette. I want to be both candid and respectful to the community. 


Hello all,

This is my first post. I want to explain a bit what brought me here. Two days ago, I watched Don Jon and felt a deep and unexpected connection to Gordon-Levitt's character. Although I was aware that my reliance on porn was unhealthy, I had never looked at it as an addiction that I could recover from. A little research led me to yourbrainonporn.com and then to Reboot Nation. I am very thankful for that movie and for this site. I am determined to turn my life around, but I am worried about how hard and long the reboot process will be. I would really appreciate some support and guidance. 

I have always prided myself on having a non-addictive personality. I believed that the only addiction I had was to caffeine (and I only need it in the morning). I realize now how na?ve I was. I didn't understand what an "addiction" was neurologically. I am addicted to high- speed porn, and I have been binging since I was around 12 or 13. At that age I figured out how to infiltrate the parental control account on my family's computer, and I would sneak downstairs and surf the internet for hours in the middle of the night. I am gay, so I started by looking at sites selling men's swimwear, but this soon escalated. 

I am 22 now, and I recently started my first relationship (three months ago). It has been difficult because I feel a drastic disconnect between my experience of intimacy and sexuality. I enjoy my boyfriend's physical presence very much but during sex I find myself hurrying to get it over with. I have been suffering from ED and delayed ejaculation. During sex, I start feeling anxious and emotional. I gradually lose my drive completely until I can't perform at all.

A few weeks into the relationship, it was only getting worse. Only porn could satisfy me, and in my state of anxiety I found myself watching more and more often, and I was watching weirder and weirder stuff. This led to more shame and depression, and I started spiraling. I began resenting my boyfriend for pushing me to have sex, so I secluded myself to avoid the pressure. In seclusion, of course, I resorted to watching even more porn. This vicious cycle of shame, seclusion, and binging has followed me since adolescence. At times of stress and depression I tend to seclude myself and PMO compulsively. Now that I am in a relationship, it has become blatantly apparent that my habits are preventing me from experiencing pleasure in human relationships. 

Time is also a huge issue. When I'm busy at school I spend an average of 3 hours a day watching porn. At worse up to 10 hours. My sleeping habits are all over the place as a result, and I procrastinate important tasks constantly in favor of PMO. I used to see my habit as a result of my depression, where anxiety and depression would leads to seclusion and a lack of motivation, which would then lead to increased porn consumption. Learning that it might be the other way around is totally new to me, and it is empowering to know that I may have some control over the pathways of pleasure in my brain.

I really need support in this. I'm afraid of how hard rebooting will be since I have been watching high speed pornography for so long. I want to give up both porn and masturbation because of the severity of my ED and delayed ejaculation, but just being alone is a trigger for me. Right now it's been 14 hours since I last PMO'd. I want to keep a journal so I can stay motivated and have an outlet where I can be completely honest.

 

[souljah]

Congratulations on making a wise choice. Rebooting is tough, especially "hardmode", but erectile function is so important for a man's confidence. Good luck.

 

[mjames92]

Thanks for the encouragement Souljah. I'm approaching 24 hours now, and I'm still as determined as ever. First day was a challenge since I was home alone for a few hours (and alone in my room for most of the day). I ended up running laps around my house and doing a lot of pushups. I think working out will be a good distraction for me, so I'm planning on getting a membership at a local gym.

I also deleted the Grindr app off my phone because I had been using it to access pictures. It was triggering (especially for fantasies). It was also using up a lot of my data.

I'm feeling good at the moment, though I'm worried about where I'll be a few days from now. I have a lot of free time and I have to come up with activities to use up my energy (and ease my anxiety): reading, drawing, cleaning, etc.

Also, today I watched a video testimonial in which a guy discussed the positive effects of conserving sexual energy in terms of chakra balance and chi. This concept resonated with me. Issues of confidence, which relate to the solar plexus, have troubled me throughout my life, especially since puberty. I decided to stop what I was doing, close my eyes, and meditate on confidence whenever I felt a surge of horniness. While thinking about confidence I would visualize the energy from my genitals rising up into my stomach like a white light. This meditation felt very affirming and logical (If I have an overabundance of sexual energy available, why not redirect it to correct deficiencies). I think that involving a spiritual element in the rebooting process may be effective for me. 

Here's a link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzterc3NqeU#t=280

 

[mjames92]

Day two was even more difficult. I was tempted several times. I hadn't realized how much on my Facebook feed could qualify as substitute porn. (Some of my friends follow gay blogs and post pictures of models, for example.) Even those pornographic youtube thumbnails of girls was triggering me. The internet can be ridiculous, as we all know. 

I was horny for most of the day and very distracted. No erections, but a constant itch in the back of my mind. My libido was going crazy (and my balls still ache slightly) It blows my mind how much power this addiction has over me. I got to thinking today about how, in the past few years, the only time I've gone without fapping for more than 24 hours was on trips where I would share a room, even then I would find ways to secretly PMO (or edge). Missing my daily session would make me really anxious so I would get creative and sneaky. I'm not allowing myself to get sneaky now, because this reboot is very important to me. I don't want to orgasm unless it's with a real person. I don't want to need porn. I want to gain control over my life.

I'm still feeling worried and a little depressed. Approaching 48 hours. (Only 48?!) I spent some time pacing today. Did a lot of push-ups again. Ran errands. It's really hard to do this when I'm on break without things to keep me busy. But I figure if I can get through the worst of it on my own, I can do anything.

I heard an NPR segment this afternoon where a scientist was explaining recent tests, which revealed that refined sugar was more addictive than cocaine. (Rats exposed to cocaine and sugar would choose sugar when given the option) The explanation was related to dopamine and reward response pathways in the brain. Here's a link: https://hereandnow.wbur.org/2015/01/07/sugar-health-research

I found this pretty synchronistic considering the research I've been doing on porn addiction. My habit of prolonged edging with high-speed porn was flooding my brain with dopamine (and affecting my body in ways I hadn't realized) It started to feel like a necessity rather than a treat. I would do it without even being horny. I was just mindlessly serving my addiction.

So I'm still going, keeping it together.

 

[mjames92]

Three days! Now I feel like I'm starting to make progress. Haven't had an erection for the whole three days, even though I feel horny. Still feeling an aching pressure in my balls like I did yesterday. I'm already starting to feel less depressed if not simply because I feel accomplished. It seems absurd to congratulate myself for three days, but hey, this is an accomplishment for me.

I also started watching Queer as Folk, binged last night for 8 hours. I can't deny that it's a sort of substitute porn (definitely a dopamine rush), but I'm much more excited by the drama and intrigue than by the softcore sex scenes. Maybe eventually I'll get an erection watching the show -that can be a long term goal. 

Feeling good. Let's see how tomorrow goes.