Hey Soul Inspired,
I think your wife is doing what she believes is best. I know that my wife has a strong libido and my time in PMO has deprived her of a lot of intimacy and sex where we were concerned. Once I faced my addiction, I tried to make it up to her, and for a couple of years, it was great. Then I backslid again, and we're starting over in some regards, but she's open to sex, and I feel it's better for us to engage in intercourse than baby-step the process because she's not very patient with the whole foreplay/cuddling thing. She, too, believes that it sorta sucks to get all worked up and aroused and then not have the payoff. I get that - she's suffered enough from my misdeeds, so why make her follow all the rules of MY rehab?
Instead, I let her determine what she feels like doing. We are wired differently when it comes to sex anyway - we like different things, kinks and such, but we've managed to compromise and find a rewarding sex life?when I am sober from PMO.
All this to say, I don't think your wife is trying to make this difficult for you, she's trying to make it manageable for herself. There's a lot of pain and confusion in this for our spouses and significant others. My wife understands addiction, having seen it in others close to her, so she doesn't think I'm using excuses or blowing my situation out of proportion but she expects me to stay in recovery and be open and honest with her about anything that could sidetrack progress.
Be open with your wife. Let her know how much you want to connect and be intimate with her, but give her the space she needs to feel comfortable too. Like it or not, we've disappointed and hurt the ones we love. They need to heal. We help them by taking them along for our journey to recovery, but without making them live through every vivid step of it. Make sure she knows about the landmarks, about what is really important, and that you're available to her, be it for cuddling, foreplay, her pleasure or the two of you to be intimate. She'll appreciate the honesty and the room you're giving her to heal, i think.
Keep up the good work and keep the channels of communication open. My biggest mistakes have been hiding things from my wife. Hiding is where we invariably go wrong. Gotta live in the light, because the shadows always seem to get us.
Hope this helps, and hope I haven't spoken out of turn. Our situations just sound somewhat similar so I wanted to share my experience. Don't take what I've said without a healthy grain of salt. You know your situation and your wife best. Just wanted to give you some perspective from a fellow weary traveller.
And Steamrolled gives us great insight here too, being on the spousal side of the PMO addiction. It helps to understand how the ones we've hurt really feel.
