I had sex.

[indiana]

**I've tried writing this all day, grappling with being concise. I posted an earlier version and later retracted it.I apologize if it's too long, or somewhat meandering, and I'm so grateful to everyone who reads and gives me any input. I hope this one does the job.**

I had sex.

I went to go visit my friend over this last week, she's a beautiful women and we've been involved with one another over the last year. She's someone I deeply respect, admire, and love. She's brought a lot of light into my life, a lot of connection. As I mentioned in an earlier post ( I got invited to a (girl) friends house... Need advice.) I was unsure if I should go, if it would mess with my reboot. I decided to open up to her about my PMO  addiction. She is someone I would like to be in a relationship with, and she's told me numerous times how much she likes me, so I told her that my real struggle was with PMO addiction and about my reboot. She was completely supportive and understanding, even telling me that she was proud of me. It was amazing to open up about this struggle I've had for years, to be heard and not turned away.

I traveled out to her, spending nearly fifteen hours navigating delayed flights, airports, and airplanes. Finally when I got there and saw her, I felt so comfortable, so happy. I couldn't stop smiling when I was on the last flight and I couldn't stop smiling when we were together, and neither could she. She was having a party for a mutual friend and when I got there I was welcomed in like I was one of the gang. I had always been unsure of how she thought of me. I deal with a lot of self doubt/low confidence/shame as a result of PMO addiction and even though she has said she really liked me I was always unsure. But here I was and all her friends had heard all about me...maybe she really does want to be with me?

When the party died down and everyone had either gone home or grabbed a couch we went to her room to go to sleep. I was still thinking of keeping my full abstinence, No porn, no masturbation, and no sex... nothing. This reboot, recovering from this addiction that has been destroying my life, my mind, my core, is the most important thing in my life. Without I'm not going to have anything. So she and I were in bed, talking, kissing, laughing, and it came up that it was our one year anniversary. One year since we met. I've been with a decent amount of women, but she's the only person I've ever 'made love' to and not just fucked and treated like a P star or used P fantasy to get off with. When we met a year ago I was 100 plus days sober, total abstinence, from PMO. I was thinking more clearly and we truly connected, it was one of the most passionate times of my life. While we were talking, it hit me that she has been such a light in my life from the moment she came into it. That i really loved who she was, that I was so grateful to be with her. I wanted to be with her, not in this insane lust filled way but as a way to connect even further, to share. I'm so attracted to her, both physically and for who she is. We made love, it took me a while to finish because I had been in reboot mode, but she was there and totally with me.

Over the next few days we got closer and closer, had fun going out, staying in. I felt happier than I had in years. It had been a long time since I truly let someone love me and I loved someone else. When I left, I felt a pang of sadness because she's someone I'd like to be with, to date, etc... When I got back and was talking about how my trip went, I couldn't stop smiling and saying how great of a time I had . How wonderful she was and how good it was. It hit me, I really like this person, and I have for a while but I've been too distorted to see it.

It was a good experience and we plan on getting together, she's told me she wants a relationship and I'd like one too. It felt life affirming to live in the moment and to engage with someone I really have feelings for.

But now here comes the guilt, insecurity, and doubt.
-Did I do the right thing?
-Did I mess up my reboot and my recovery?
-Am I loosing focus on the most important thing in my life?

I have been feeling good and that scares me. I don't want to loose that feeling of how bad it got. I want to forgive myself, get things in order, and move forward, but I'm afraid that if I feel too good I'll forget how it can also feel so bad. I want to do this the 'right' way, I'm aware that there isn't really a 'right' way to begin with, but I need to heal. I'm not jumping straight into a relationship with her or anything drastic, I'm still working my things out. no porn, no masturbation, and since I'm not with her, no sex.

I'd love to hear any constructive input, advice, or recommendations. Thank you guys so much for taking the time and being there.

All my best to everyone out there,
Thank you,
Indiana.

 

[mlhl]

Hey bro.
I read your post. Thanks for sharing it with us!
I think you have to define what are you to her and what is she to you? I think some situations like being alone in the same bed or in a room takes you to situations that I could get involved with sex.
Probably you can say: I made love, but what would happen if you have more opportunities to make love?, that intimacy between you and your friend would become a routine where you want to experience new things (when you leave aside make love and became on sex)
You are doing great, but if you make a mistake you need to find some ways to improve.
If you feel you are already healed you will be able to have something with someone serious.

 

[Innocence]

I don't this this has been a bad experience, you had sex with a girl whom you loved in a passionate way and not in a way where you would fantasize about P.
Also, it may have been a bit early to O again but you did it the good way! The way it's supposed to be, so don't you worry about that

About the happiness, look man, we can't all be so happy if we keep worrying about it!
I'm also guilty of this as well, same with over thinking but you got to try to stop that a little. Live in the moment, not in the future

 

[indiana]

Innocence- for sure, living in the moment is so hard, and in part it was this huge cathartic experience being there with her, and living in that moment, not denying a good thing.

Mlhl, I agree that a good thing could lead to unhealthy then bad things, I'm wary of the 'chaser' and also not in a position where I'm open to meeting any one else. I have been involved with this woman for a year now so it was very natural.

Thank you both for taking the time and giving me your input.

 

[qrayzHD]

In my opinion, if you kissed, hugged, touched and enjoyed your time with her, then you would have gained connections to her rather then porn, so that's a great thing. As long as you watch those cravings that can be intense after sex (from what i'm told) and choose not to act on them, then it was a positive experience that will help with recovery.

 

[OSS]

NO you didn't mess up your recovery at all. I think people are getting a bit too caught up in 100% abstinence in every situation

Rebooting has only 1 rule: Stop artificial stimulation
Rewiring has only 1 rule: Spend more time with women

Everything else (masturbating, orgasming etc etc) is only supplemental, which have the ability to speed up or slow down the reboot for different people.

If you're consciously aware that your self doubt,  low confidence etc is causing you to feel guilt or ask if you did the right thing then you have the ability to choose to stop it. It won't be easy but awareness is the best tool of all to change thinking patterns.

You had sex and opened up the gate for more connection with a woman who you very obviously have a strong attraction for. There is nothing negative about that