hellexfire
Member
Day One
Jesus, I hardly know where to start. The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose.
I put this off for a long time thinking I was above it or something. Like I didn't really need to journal or reboot or like this was something I could control.
Clearly that isn't the case.
I was drawn to ideas of force since I was a child. I was molested at 8 so it probably followed that experience but I can still remember being maybe about 12 and only being able to MO to rape fantasies. I discovered porn around 13-14 years of age and it just blossomed into a soul-clenching monster from there. I'm a bi-sexual girl who prefers to be in relationships with men but I like to be with girls just for play yet I have been into *ALERT* gay force porn since I was a teen. I didn't realize the impact it had on my life, sexuality, and relationships.
I've been married and divorced twice and I just adore sex. It's something I love when I'm with a partner I adore. I love being close and connected to my partner and I rejuvenate my energy through physical connection. I detest feeling disconnected and have struggled to feel connected to the world around me for a long, long time. The funny thing is, I don't VO (Vaginal Orgasm) so my love for sensuality isn't about the O for me at all.
Some background- I was raised in a verbally and physically abusive home. I was a cutter by age 14. I was a drug addict at 21. I quit heroin in 2008 and moved to Germany from January to July of 2009. I came back to Ohio, went to Uni, and then my sister in law shot herself in the head on Halloween in 09'. It wrecked my world and I tumbled down, into the dark world she came from and died in. I managed to get my head back on straight and rocked the shit to the ground. I graduated in May 2014 with a 3.6 GPA, Heroin free for 6 years, been featured on newstories in my town and the Uni billboard. I volunteered in all the right, prestigious places for my degree, and moved to Australia to be with my SO and accept my full ride scholarship to a doctorate program. In almost every other way, my life is on fire and I light one under the asses of others to spur them into movement.
Dis' porn doe'.
The first time I ever O'd from oral sex was with my first husband. It was sad that I couldn't tell him how excited I was because I had faked it every time before so I couldn't share my new found body experience with him. Not that I would have anyway because after years of boys sticking their face between my legs and nothing happening, my mind drifted and what pushed me to the O edge was thinking about being molested. It's kind of been like that ever since. I can't O to anything normal, loving, or ... connected. It's like the only stuff that gets me off is anti-loving and forceful.
I want to know what it feels like to have my SO go down town and just O from being in that moment and experiencing the gift he's giving me. I want to know if it's even possible to O without fantasizing about effed up shit.
I have to set this shit down because it's ruining my sensual, sexual, and relational health. It's poison. When I use, I feel far away from everyone. I feel laden with guilt, I feel sluggish and torn down and blue. I've tried setting the porn gods aside on my own and every time I feel awful, I end up right back at it. Like a dog to it's vomit...
It doesn't help that we seem to be jam-packed into a world where men's sexuality seems to take the corrupted cake so I know there isn't a single girl friend in my life that would really understand what I'm doing here and that like, I'm an addict. I'm a 29 year old doctoral student who's addicted to fucked up fantasies, force, and porn. No matter how long I leave the porn alone (it's been years before), I'm keeping those memories alive by replaying them every time I MO. Which can be like once a week sometimes or like 10 times a day at other times.
I have to believe that healthy sexuality is out there for me and that I can combine my lush adoration for human physical connection through sex with the ability to experience fully that connection for what it is. Living with the filth in my mind for the rest of my life would be a death sentence.
Today is the first day of my life. I trust my struggle.
We'll see where it goes. xXx
Jesus, I hardly know where to start. The beginning is as good a place as any, I suppose.
I put this off for a long time thinking I was above it or something. Like I didn't really need to journal or reboot or like this was something I could control.
Clearly that isn't the case.
I was drawn to ideas of force since I was a child. I was molested at 8 so it probably followed that experience but I can still remember being maybe about 12 and only being able to MO to rape fantasies. I discovered porn around 13-14 years of age and it just blossomed into a soul-clenching monster from there. I'm a bi-sexual girl who prefers to be in relationships with men but I like to be with girls just for play yet I have been into *ALERT* gay force porn since I was a teen. I didn't realize the impact it had on my life, sexuality, and relationships.
I've been married and divorced twice and I just adore sex. It's something I love when I'm with a partner I adore. I love being close and connected to my partner and I rejuvenate my energy through physical connection. I detest feeling disconnected and have struggled to feel connected to the world around me for a long, long time. The funny thing is, I don't VO (Vaginal Orgasm) so my love for sensuality isn't about the O for me at all.
Some background- I was raised in a verbally and physically abusive home. I was a cutter by age 14. I was a drug addict at 21. I quit heroin in 2008 and moved to Germany from January to July of 2009. I came back to Ohio, went to Uni, and then my sister in law shot herself in the head on Halloween in 09'. It wrecked my world and I tumbled down, into the dark world she came from and died in. I managed to get my head back on straight and rocked the shit to the ground. I graduated in May 2014 with a 3.6 GPA, Heroin free for 6 years, been featured on newstories in my town and the Uni billboard. I volunteered in all the right, prestigious places for my degree, and moved to Australia to be with my SO and accept my full ride scholarship to a doctorate program. In almost every other way, my life is on fire and I light one under the asses of others to spur them into movement.
Dis' porn doe'.
The first time I ever O'd from oral sex was with my first husband. It was sad that I couldn't tell him how excited I was because I had faked it every time before so I couldn't share my new found body experience with him. Not that I would have anyway because after years of boys sticking their face between my legs and nothing happening, my mind drifted and what pushed me to the O edge was thinking about being molested. It's kind of been like that ever since. I can't O to anything normal, loving, or ... connected. It's like the only stuff that gets me off is anti-loving and forceful.
I want to know what it feels like to have my SO go down town and just O from being in that moment and experiencing the gift he's giving me. I want to know if it's even possible to O without fantasizing about effed up shit.
I have to set this shit down because it's ruining my sensual, sexual, and relational health. It's poison. When I use, I feel far away from everyone. I feel laden with guilt, I feel sluggish and torn down and blue. I've tried setting the porn gods aside on my own and every time I feel awful, I end up right back at it. Like a dog to it's vomit...
It doesn't help that we seem to be jam-packed into a world where men's sexuality seems to take the corrupted cake so I know there isn't a single girl friend in my life that would really understand what I'm doing here and that like, I'm an addict. I'm a 29 year old doctoral student who's addicted to fucked up fantasies, force, and porn. No matter how long I leave the porn alone (it's been years before), I'm keeping those memories alive by replaying them every time I MO. Which can be like once a week sometimes or like 10 times a day at other times.
I have to believe that healthy sexuality is out there for me and that I can combine my lush adoration for human physical connection through sex with the ability to experience fully that connection for what it is. Living with the filth in my mind for the rest of my life would be a death sentence.
Today is the first day of my life. I trust my struggle.
We'll see where it goes. xXx