KidQuick's Journal (46 year old married male)

[ready2go]

I understand how you're feeling Kid.  I have had similar feelings, though they did pass eventually.  Why my dick has reexpanded and seems to be working more normally than it did?  Who knows.  The fact yours is still on hiatus may be a good thing.  I'm going to go back and read through your journal from beginning to here and see if anything shows itself.  In the meantime, hang in there.  Anything you can do to crank some internal endorphins - exercise, laughing, walking in the woods, going to the beach, a ride in a convertible with the top down - anything would be worth your energy to lift you out of the funk. 

 

[Poker]

I would not be too worried yet my friend.  Your 90 day reboot is not over yet.  While I am well over a 100 days into mine, I shot myself in the foot by "thinking".

Now, if you are really concerned, here is my advice.  ED problems are either caused in the brain...  or the penis.  If its the brain causing the issue...  science has shown its fixable.  Stay the coarse. 

I would however see your Dr.  He can do a blood test, check testosterone levels....  just to rule out any issues down below. When all comes back clear, you can continue to focus on rewiring the head. 



Good luck my friend.

Cheers,

g.

 

[ianmac]

Hey KidQuick,

I've had a slow reboot also.  I was completely flat until Day 84 when I got my first morning wood.  I've had sex with my wife seven times since Day 87.  The first few times I didn't get hard.  Then I got a soft erection.  I now get hard enough to get inside, yet I'm not staying hard for long, and that's at Day 117.  There is slow, continuing improvement.  I'm not sure how much better it will get, but I'm sure it has improved S-L-O-W-L-Y until now.  Don't give up.

Ian

 

[KidQuick]

68 days.

Thanks, everyone. Ianmac, in particular. Although, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it is somewhat reassuring to know someone has tread this ground before and is recovering as slowly as I am. It is also helping me realize that I am not doing anything wrong. Some of us just have to fight longer than others.

I just had to swim through my puddle of muddlement. I haven't given up. I'm too invested now to stop (lack of options help too.) It just gets to me sometimes. Sometimes I feel like that saying, if you keep doing the same thing expecting different results... I know that's not what is going on, it's just that when it takes so long, it sometimes feels that way. We all have our ups and downs. I am no different.

Anyway, not much has changed.

I did find myself on two mornings recently thinking of an old porn video, one of my favorites. I couldn't really remember any of the visual details, but the situation was enough to get a little arousal of out me. It wasn't much, not a full erection by any stretch. Though at one point, I think I might have started to start to cum. That said, it didn't really feel like edging. There wasn't much pleasure in it. More of a panicked "Oh, crap, I better stop. I am going to screw up everything" type feeling. And then I stopped. And after two days, I realized I needed to stop that sort of thing before it even started, so I have just been getting out of bed when it does. It's amazing how effective that is.

That's about all the thrill going on my life.

My wife may be going through menopause. She's not sure, but she thinks she might be having some hot flashes. I've heard that process oftentimes has a pretty negative impact on the old sex drive. We'll see. If so, I figure she did all the heavy lifting keeping our sex life going, it's probably time I did some. I just have to get through this addiction. At least, that's what I tell myself. I would hate to think I am going through this all for nothing, if I finally get through it and she has no interest in sex so we just have sex about as much as we did when I was addicted to porn. Oh the irony that would be. But enough of those thoughts. Besides, at least it will be damn good sex, which would be better than my addiction days.

Also, if I am being truly honest with myself, this addiction has effected more than my sex drive.

Thanks again for the support. I don't think when I started this that I realized having this place to go and write out my fears to people who truly know what I am going through, how helpful it would be. But, my faceless internet friends, you are a Godsend. Not just for the last few posts, but for all the others. And for just listening, or reading rather. Thank you very very much.

On to day 69, a delightfully sexual number.

 

[KidQuick]

Day 73.

I messed up, or maybe not. I just don't really know. It's hard to tell sometimes. There don't seem to be any hard and fast rules, except no porn. I didn't look at any porn.

I masturbated and ejaculated though. It was stupid. I'm trying to do a hard reboot, because I've never really been sure about mental porn. I haven't looked at any porn and any thoughts about the porn that I have seen I just push out of my head. But if I am thinking about a real person in what might be a porn situation, doesn't that fall under porn? I mean, does your mind know the difference? I've been trying to play it safe with the hard reboot. Today, it didn't work.

What's really stupid is that I didn't masturbate because I was excited about anything. I did it because I was afraid, and it was the quickest I have cum in a while, and it was with an extremely limp penis.  I didn't even know it was possible to ejaculate with a limp penis.

So what happened? To avoid trigger issues, I'll try to keep this brief as possible, my wife has a female friend that she was physical with once a while ago. Yesterday, the friend started sending my wife sexy pictures and texting flirty things about getting with her this weekend. It was out of the blue, and my wife showed me the pics and the texts. So I woke this morning, of course, thinking about them. And then I got scared. I started wondering about if they would want me to get involved. I know my wife would. We have talked about it. Not sure about the female friend. She's married and has this weird thing where it is okay to be with women, but not other men. So I got scared though because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get erect. It's one thing to reveal this kind of thing to my wife, but to a family friend is another story. I wouldn't be surprised if she already knows, but still to be with her and my wife and not get aroused. I just found it terrifying. I debated about taking a Cialis that day to help. And then I thought what if it went the other way. What if I came to soon? And that was terrifying too. And all this was happening while I was playing with myself to no avail. And for a very brief moment, I thought maybe I should just masturbate. That way I could reassure myself I could get erect and maybe finally orgasming might help keep things under control. It was a stupid argument. It was a stupid rationalization and just plan stupid. And it lasted just long enough for me ejaculate with a limp penis. About five minutes, if that.

And that is what happened.

I'm not sure what it means. I just know I'll keep going and pray that it doesn't set me back.

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. First I want to applaud you on making it 73 days porn-free. That's quite an accomplishment. Second I want to emphasize there are no hard and fast rules to reboot. Some do hard mode, some no porn, there are many combinations. My feeling is we need to avoid the negative emotions that feed addiction. These are fear, guilt, shame, and anger to name a few. The are probably others but you get my point. From what you've written, you masturbated out of fear. This suggests you were trying to escape rather than confront the underlying problem: erectile dysfunction. Perhaps if you deal with the underlying issue, you won't feel the need to escape through PMO. No judging my friend, just caring. I myself masturbated Monday and felt quite guilty about it. Masturbation for me was also an addiction but on Monday I wanked out of nothing more than pure horniness. Although the guilt and shame I experienced afterwards certainly fed my addictive nature, this was all in my head. So where am I going with this? I think you should try to avoid acting out to escape from your problems. Next time I'd recommend posting here or calling a sponsor or sobriety partner to discuss your fears rather than trying to fight it alone. Be well my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Jimmy James]

Kid,

I must say your are facing a dilemma that I will never have to face.  Therefore I have no good advice.  It sounds like you have decided that masturbation is not right for you in your reboot.  I suggest talking to your wife about as soon as you feel this type again. Don't wait until you get to the point of touching yourself.

 

[ready2go]

Kid,
Awesome you are 73 days down the line with no PMO!  Congratulations man.  That's awesome.  There is nothing on this board or in any of our minds as far as I know that requires we not masturbate.  I think there are suggestions on other sites, but not this one.  So if you masturbated and came, so what?  If it didn't feel right, if it was for the wrong reasons, or whatever, you'll sort that out.  It was generous of you to share your thoughts and fears around it.  I'll bet after sharing with us, you felt better just doing that.  I hope so anyway. 

So for heaven's sakes don't be hard on yourself about shooting a load.  I did it this morning myself pretty much unconsciously.  I had no idea I was going to ejaculate.  Just laying there in bed wondering about the day and when to get up.  I guess I was feeling and touching, but not consciously masturbating, and then whammy.  So this stuff happens.  No worries. 

It does sound like you're not in the mood to be having sex with someone else's wife, regardless of whether she's intimate with your wife or not.  So, that's just fine.  Nothing to fear or worry about:  just let them know, if it ever comes up, it's not right for you at this time.  Since she doesn't seem interested in other guys anyway, it seems the risk of your being involved is pretty low.

This forum is so great because it is the only place I've ever been where guys are able to talk to each other about their sex habits, wants, not wants, the works, in a non-judgmental, non-hookup, completely loving way.  You know women are comparing notes constantly.  My sister in law knows more about the history of my sex life than I do.  Get a couple of drinks in her, and suddenly, it's like WOAH!! I had no idea my wife is sharing this stuff.  But then after working with women exclusively for the past several years, I find, that is their normal.  No secrets in the world of women, apparently. 

So us having a similar chance, even though it's anonymously and online rather than over a couple of whiskeys, it's still awesome.  Anyhow, keep bringing your stuff here.  We'll all work it out together.  No worries.  No fears.  No harsh judgments or thoughts.  Just love and peace here, and exploration.

Cheers man.
R2G

 

[ianmac]

Kid,

I doubt you did any serious damage by masturbating.  I wouldn't worry too much about it.  You can learn from it.  You're still moving forward by staying away from porn.  You had a difficult situation.  Forgive yourself and move on.  Your brain is still healing.  It will continue to heal.  Great job on staying away from porn for as long as you have.

Ian

 

[KidQuick]

Day 79

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

It's been a few days. I'm just trying to process things I guess. I masturbated again a couple days ago. That makes twice. I actually got hard this time. I didn't really feel bad about it though. I don't really know what I felt about it, to be honest.

I've been wondering if I am putting so much pressure on myself not to masturbate, that it might be having a negative effect. I"m fighting a natural urge that is programmed into our biology. Can that really be good? It's been a real fight up until a couple days ago.

I guess part of my concern is that my main problem is that I can't get out of my head. When I masturbate, I think about things, I fantasize. I didn't even realize that I should be able to masturbate without fantasy until I read this site. I don't think I have ever done that, even when I was younger. There was always a fantasy component. Now, when I am having sex, I fantasize. I'm in my head, and I need to get out of it. I was hoping that by sort of starving myself sexually, my body would resort to it's more natural ways in order to find release. This far into the reboot, and I'm not so sure.

It's really doing nothing for my confidence. It's doing nothing to make me feel like a sexual being. All it seems to be doing is making this process harder. I just want to get through this, and I thought holding back from masturbation would speed up the process. I just don't know right now. I just thought I would be seeing signs of something by now.

For so long, there was this strange thing going on inside me. My mind was craving release. Not really porn, but just release. Thoughts would splash in from time to time or just the mental urge for release. I thought about it almost constantly, particularly when I had nothing else to occupy my mind, like work. But down below, nothing. Absolutely nothing. So my head wanted to have sex, demanded to have sex, but down below nothing. That just seemed so odd to me. It also seemed troubling that since I don't really have the urge to look a porn anymore, shouldn't I be seeing other changes? Isn't that the battle here? Once I've overcome the desire to look at porn, shouldn't I start seeing physical changes? Well, I don't really have the desire to look at porn. I haven't in a while. Occasionally, some memory of one might start to climb in my thoughts, but I push it out. And I push it out without even thinking, if that makes sense. It's like a reflex almost. So where's the other stuff? Where are the natural erections? It's a fair question. It's also one without an answer.

By the way, I doubt anything will really happen with that friend. The thoughts always just spur the desire. The pictures she sends always helps. It's one of my triggers, though I'm not sure it's a bad one. A natural one, but not a bad one. I think the troubling part for me when I masturbated was just that the possibility of a fantasy coming true (however unlikely) scared me so much. It was a stupid fear. I knew that. I knew that nothing would probably happen. I just didn't like being afraid like that, over something like that, for something like that. The troubling part for me wasn't that I masturbated, but why I did it.

Now, for the past couple days, I am feeling like a eunuch almost, at least when I think about it. I haven't felt any urge to do anything, physically or mentally. I woke up this evening or morning. It's 2:30 am. My phone rang and woke me up. It was a number I didn't recognize. And I was laying there, realizing that now, I don't even have the mental urge for release. Nothing. And it's making me nervous. It worries me because I'm not sure what it means. Does it mean I have somehow moved back in the process? Does it mean, at this stage, that something else is wrong with me? Does it mean something bad that I don't even know about. Or does it mean it is a good thing? Maybe it is yet another stage in the process. Maybe it means I am progressing.

I'm guessing my sudden lack of mental desire is due to my starting to meditate. It's just another attempt to move things forward. I read about it here on the internet http://www.triroc.com/sunnen/topics/erectiledysfun.htm. It's a study where meditation helped some men with ED issues. Granted, it looks like none of them have been dealing with this as long as I, or most of us, have, but I figured it was worth a shot. I remembered when I tried acupuncture a while ago to deal with the issue, and although that didn't help, one nice thing about it was just laying alone in a dark room with soft music and getting away from everything for an hour. Mentally, it was refreshing. I thought meditation might be something like that. It's not. It's not easy. I'm not even sure if I am doing it right. But from what I gather, that is common when people first start. But I also figure it can't hurt.

I'm still in the fight. I'm just tired of fighting right now. I'm sure that's natural.

On to day 80

 

[ready2go]

From what I've read you are right on schedule.  nonlinear in and out of flat.  Wondering if this is working.  I'm right there with you.  My mind wants to move on, the rest of me isn't interested.  So i am getting other stuff done to some degree.  Maybe things will change again soon.  I liked getting hard for those few weeks.
I guess we keep going.
R2G

 

[KidQuick]

Day 84.

I woke up in the middle of the night. I do that sometimes. Not really feeling any urges. Just thought I would post an update.

I had sex with my wife again the day before yesterday, no intercourse, just me pleasuring her. It was nice. There is a lot of enjoyment there for me. I used to think that was strange. How can I get so much pleasure pleasuring her and yet not have any physical reaction down below? Now, I just enjoy it and appreciate it.

We were talking afterwards and she asked me when the last time I masturbated was. I told her. I don't want to lie to her. She was crushed. I knew where she was coming from. She doesn't really understand what I am doing. She hasn't researched it. She is just recognizing that this is something that I think will work. And I told her I was stopping everything, porn, fantasies masturbation, everything. So with that in mind, my masturbating a little over a week ago sounds like a failure. All my feelings and worries and fears came crashing down on me in that one little expression of hers. I tried to explain to her that there were different types of reboots. There were soft reboots and hard reboots and that what I did probably didn't have much of an effect. I don't know that for sure, but all I can do is keep moving forward. I haven't looked at porn in 84 days now, and that is the key here. I am not getting any satisfaction from porn. I have no desire to really look at porn. And now I just have to wait until my body catches up with my mind.

Last night, I had one of the most sexual dreams I can remember in a while. I woke up with the images still crystal clear in my mind. Nothing down below though. So I am still working through this.

I am realizing more and more how much pressure I am putting on myself to get through this. And as I realize that, I am realizing that I have to let go. The pressure is not helping. It is not helping at all. I have to realize that the main idea is to keep working towards the goal, to keep taking those steps. Sometimes, I stumble. And from what I have read here and some of the responses to my entries, I may not have stumbled. I just don't know right now. And either way, it doesn't change the the goal. It doesn't defeat my desire for that goal. It doesn't change the pure and simple fact that I will change. I will change.

I am going to end this on a good note. I took a four mile walk with my wife in the park today. Damn, that felt good. Nature, exercise. I should definitely start doing that more.

That's about it.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. Reboot is hard enough but rebooting with a wife/partner is even more challenging because you're managing the emotions of two people. I think every husband knows 'the look' and I personally cringed to read about it. I often write that reboot is like navigating a wild river. Despite the various rapids (marriage), snags (masturbation), rocks (porn) etc. you're still moving in the right direction. So your strategy of focusing on the positive while learning along the way is a good one. I'm thinking of you brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[lapdog]

Hey Kid, I've been reading through your posts and wanted to reach out to you. I understand the flatline and the ED issues--something I've more or less struggled with my entire adult life, even before the addiction began and was caused by general anxiety. You must remember that the functioning of your penis and your sexuality is a primarily a psychological process. You need not be too hard on yourself because your body (and mind) have an amazing ability to heal. Your penis will work. It might not be ready just yet, but it will be in due time. You need to focus on that instead of focusing on "failure" of every morning when you wake up and there's no morning wood. Indeed, I would say in the majority of your posts, you are focused on the negatives of the rebooting process. I know that it's difficult and a struggle, but there are many positives that also come along with it. You have a wife who loves you and with whom you can communicate. This puts you at a great advantage over others who are doing this alone. I understand your pressure to "perform" as I have a partner of 10 years who is ready at the drop of the hat to have sex and I feel miserable when I'm unable to get hard. But I have been hard in the past and I will be again in the future--and in the meantime I can do all sorts of intimate activities, with no expectations, that leave us both happy and satisfied. If you read some of my posts I've been struggling with this very issue because it's difficult for your partner to understand what you're going through. I've made the decision to take an ED drug when I feel the time is right for us to have successful sex for two reasons: 1) because sex is an important part of a relationship; and 2) although I'm relying on the drugs, it's a great boost to my self-esteem to get erect and be able to enjoy myself without all the usual anxiety of Is that an erection? Will I get hard? Can I perform? Why can't I get hard? Am I going soft? Any man who plays that tape in his head is going to have a limp dick. I know this is controversial to some on here because they believe in a totally hard reboot and give themselves no room to bend the rules a little. I, on the other hand, think that everyone's experience is different with this and needs to be tailored based on your life. I wrote this in my own journal and maybe it applies to you as well: there's no way that having orgasmic sex with your wife and real-life partner can do anything but help you in the rebooting process. That's my two cents. Hope it helps. And congratulations on making it so far into this process--I'm looking forward to when I can brag about the same.

 

[ianmac]

Kid,

I read what your wrote in my journal and what you wrote in yours today.

You're absolutely right -- it's not about perfection.

The ONLY perfection we'll ever know has been given to us through Jesus Christ.  That's all we'll ever need.  God knew it before he made us.

That being said, that perfection is what allows us to be good.  You're doing great.  Your wife isn't perfect either.  She'll make some mistakes in judging your progress.  Cut yourself and her some slack.  Yes, the four-mile walk was a victory.  Savor that.  Forgive your indiscretion and her misunderstanding.

You are perfect in God's eyes just the way he made you.  (Your wife is too.)  You can do this.  Even if you mess up, you're covered.

Ian

 

[KidQuick]

Day 86.

I had a slight chub this morning. Progress!

I am finding more and more through this that meditation is really helping. Even though I am not really sure I am doing it right, I've noticed that I am less focused on what I am going through and noticing less the little things that might happen. It's only been maybe about a week. I try to meditate for 30 minutes a day. Sometimes I make it to 30, sometimes I don't. I try not to stress about the length, because I figure it's not really all that relaxing if I am stressing about some component of it.

Thanks for the kind words, everyone.

ianmac, I am still struggling with my demands on myself. Perfection is a ridiculous goal to have. I don't think I realized it until I started this recovery how much putting that kind of pressure on me was actually hurting me, but I am now. I am a work in progress though and allowing myself to be human is one of the things I am progressing towards.

lapdog, Your advice comes at an interesting time for me. I've been wondering about taking Cialis to help me out of my anxiety. The last time I masturbated was clearly nothing but anxiety. It's one thing to deal with an addiction to porn, but anxiety is another thing altogether, though admittedly, the two may work together a lot of times. I've been having this debate with myself since about Day 60 or 70. I had hoped that I would be more back to normal (for lack of a better word) by then, but that did not happen. I think that affected me a lot more than I realized (see perfection comment above). I realize there are arguments for and against using those kinds of drugs when recovering, but each of my debates seem to end up with waiting a little longer to see. I think that mainly comes from the idea that they would help if I was losing my erection, but right now, I'm not really getting any erections to lose. So I wait a little longer.

You also noted that I have been focusing on the negative aspects of the recovery process. If that is the way I am coming off, I truly do apologize. My thought was just to document things and with as much honesty as I could. I guess in retrospect that may sound like I am focusing on the negative aspects, simply because I am in a flatline phase. I assure you I am very positive about my recovery. I have ups and downs and doubts from time to time, but I have not given up and I will not give up. I believe in the process. I believe in myself and I believe in my recovery. If that is not coming through in my posts, I need to work on that. I certainly don't want anyone reading my entries to think the journey is all doom and gloom. Parts maybe, but not all it.

Lyon03, good words as always. You are an inspiration I am sure for more than just me. You have seen so many sides of this problem, from being married and being gay to missteps and mistakes. And you made it through. I am honored you have spent time reading my journey. More importantly, PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[KidQuick]

Day 88. I hadn't really been focused on the days recently, but I just realized my bar is almost full. Only a couple more days to go. And then the rest of my life.

I'm really thinking more and more that meditation is helping. I doubt I am doing anything hardcore, but just taking thirty minutes to focus on a tiny spot on the wall and clear my mind of everything really seems to make the urges go away and the process so much more bearable. Maybe it's a coincidence with something else that has happened, maybe not. But I'm an running with it. I am now trying to learn the Breath of Fire. You wouldn't think breathing would be that hard, but I'm still training myself to develop the proper rhythm.

I'm also trying to exercise more. After that walk with my wife a few days ago and how I felt afterwards, I realized that even low impact type activity can be quite refreshing. I don't have to kill myself at a gym, though it would be nice to get the point where I have the endurance to do that. But for now, one walk at a time. I couldn't walk in the park today though. By the time I got home, it had turned too cold. I have one of those stair stepper things so I just walked on that in front of the tv. I can't say it was as refreshing, but it did feel good to do something.

 

[KidQuick]

90 Days. My bar is full!

Not much as happened. I spent yesterday enjoying my family. Went to a soccer game with the grandkids and spent the night at their house. Today was quiet too. I just came home, helped my wife with some things she needed for her business. I planned on going for another walk in the park, but it just didn't happen today. Maybe tomorrow. I am becoming more at peace with things and this process.

I guess I have to thank lapdog for that. I think his just the pointing out that I was focusing the negatives made me realize that I was. That probably wasn't the intent of his post, but those words stuck with me. They stuck with me, because they were true. I had been rationalizing my posts as doing something else (documenting simply what was happening), but the reality was that I was focusing more on those negative things, my not being who I wanted to be.  Life is not sex. Sex is only a component of life. My marriage is not sex. Sex is only a component of my marriage. By focusing so much on the process of this recovery, I was missing all the other aspects in life that this process was opening up for me. And there is so much more to life and my marriage than "insert tab A into slot B."

I think focusing so much on the recovery was probably an attempt to find signs of some sort of progress, instead of letting progress simply happen. That seems to be a constant theme for me. In bed with my wife, I look for signs of an erection instead of simply letting it happen. Here, I look for signs of progress instead of letting it happen. That may be related to my insecurities and my fears of failure and the pressure I put on myself to be perfect. Actually, there is no "may" about that. It is most definitely related to those feelings.

Hmmm, I think that was an epiphany. What better way to mark today, a landmark day for hitting my 90 day goal.

 

[KidQuick]

Day 94

I am starting to wonder if my addiction to porn is not my real problem, but more rather a symptom of it. When I started this, I had thought, I had hoped, that it was my only problem related to my ED issues, but now, I am wondering if that is not the case. I am starting to think it may be symptomatic of my extreme lack of confidence, not just sexual confidence, but general confidence. That has been something I have been battling all my life.

This is coming from the feeling that I have made huge progress in overcoming my porn addiction, yet I am still having issues, but those issues are more related to fear and anxiety than wanting something else (porn).

I have a feeling that my confidence issues are probably related to something that happened in my childhood, most of which I have forgotten (which sucks when dealing with issues stemming from it.) I won't go into detail, but my parents did not have a happy marriage, and my father was a cruel man, not physically cruel, but mentally so. He was and still is a very sick man.

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to be one of the good guys. I used to call it "wearing the white hat," and I wanted to "wear the white hat." Look back now, that just seems strange to me. Shouldn't young boys want to be bad, test limits, and not be afraid to get into trouble every once in a while? Why was I so afraid to do something bad? I was like that in all of the few memories I have of my childhood (most of which are in my teen years), I basically always wanted to be perfect, and after 46 years, I need to finally recognize that is simply not possible, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is okay to make a mistake every once in a while. 

That lack of confidence stems into the bedroom. I still have all this anxiety when it comes to my performance. I feel like I have invested all this time, all this effort and my wife is hoping for so little (just a reasonable sex life with her husband), and I am scared that if I try to be physical with her and fail, that I am a failure. And that is not fair. It?s not fair to her. It's not fair to me. Looking back at the time when I masturbated recently, it was out of fear, such an extreme fear, and looking back, it was really ridiculous. That said, it's okay. It's not end of the world. It doesn?t mean I can't wear the white hat or any other color I might think looks good on me.

I realize that, as Lyon noted elsewhere, my bedroom is not a porn movie. And the less I focus on my performance, the better it will be. I realize that. But what if my confidence comes from something deeper and has a more broader effect than just ED? That is what I am starting to think is going on with me. And to tackle my confidence in the bedroom, I need to tackle my general lack of confidence too. The next question is what to do with that, how to do that, how to start believing in myself.

With that in mind, these are things I will to start doing:

1. Change the name of my journal from Captain Crotch Noodle. I do not have a crotch noodle, and it is completely self-defeating to say that I do. This is done.

2. Start connecting with friends. I have been withdrawing from people for a while. I need to stop. I need to reconnect. I just started texting with someone I used to work with and we will probably go to lunch together next week.

3. Find a guided meditation and work on it. Meditation seems to help me, but I notice every time I mention it, I follow up with something like "and I'm not even sure I am doing it right." It is self-defeating to think like that, like I am doing it wrong. For one, even if I am not doing it right, if it is helping, it is a good thing. For two, if it is helping, why not learn more about it, find a guided version and see if that can help more? This is done.

4. Focus more on my writing. I have trilogy I have been writing. I?m about a third into the last book, and I have started struggling since last November. I need to stop that and finish it. My writing is one of the things that gives me a lot of pleasure, but I?ve noticed that when it starts feeling too good, I get nervous and stop. I need to stop stopping and push through. It?s my writing. Why not enjoy it? Why stop when it feels like things are coming together and feeling really good?

5. Stop letting fear hold me back. There are a few things around the house I have been meaning to do, but I keep telling myself I'll mess it up. I won't do it right. I need to start doing those things and figure them out. I'm a smart guy. I can do it. And if I mess it up the first time, I can figure out what I did wrong and fix it. I've done it before. I can do it again.

6. Develop an affirmation to say to myself every day. I've heard those can help, and quite frankly, I don't see how they can hurt. This is done.

7. Start exercising more. I always feel better when I do it. I need to focus on that, instead of the struggle to just get started.

8. In realizing that confidence is the problem, I'm going to take a Cialis and make love to my wife. There are many different way to do a reboot, and there is no magical one method that works for everyone. And to be honest, just being able to make love to my wife, to feel that, I think will do wonders for me. My plan is not to become dependent on Cialis, but just to use it every once in a while, if I need  it, to get over this stupid crushing anxiety. It is not to overcome the addiction to porn. It is to overcome my anxiety.

 

[KidQuick]

Day 100. It's official. I'm a century old in reboot days.

I'm still in a flatline, but it doesn't seem as potent now. Or maybe I am finally at a peace about the process. I've started getting some morning woodness. I'm feeling more confident about things.

Admittedly, I took a Cialis last Saturday, but this morning, I had some slight woodness and I was able to build it to quite a nice solid erection with very little contact. No fantasy whatsoever. In fact, as soon as my mind starting going in that direction, I just stopped. I don't think Cialis lasts five days. It never had for me before. Either way, the erection was nice and so incredibly welcome after such a long flatline.

My wife was sick last weekend and much of this week, so I haven't really tried any romance with her. 

I'm working on my confidence issues, and I feel like I am starting to make progress. I realize though that it's important though to keep that momentum going. I have been connecting with friends more. That is helping. I also talked to a couple people at a market to see if they would be interested in purchasing some things from my wife's stock. My wife as a small EBay store, and we recently purchased a wholesale pallet with a lot of clothes, which we don't really sell. I'm looking at other ways to sell them other than giving them to Goodwill or someplace like that (which was my wife's idea). Speaking to the strangers was pretty big for me. It made me feel pretty good. Particularly when my wife even commented about it.

That's about it. I'm definitely feeling at peace with things right now, and that is an incredible feeling in and of itself.