Trying once again

[NeverSayNever]

Hi all,

Glad to be here!

I won't dwell a lot on my story, just few facts and try to report daily. I think some details will come sooner or later as I blog.

Age: 39, Male, been watching porn since my early teens

History of sexual (incest) and physical abuse as a child

a couple of years of depression during my late twenties, where I deeply dived into porn addiction where I watched porn for 4 hours plus every day, almost dropped out of graduate school. But finally got myself together and finished my phd and currently working as a researcher.

Have been experiencing ED on/off for many years (a couple of years straight in my early twenties), and now comes and goes (recently about two weeks ago). So specially when with a girl for the first time, I am very anxious about it, as I am afraid that I might not get it up.

Last year, I got involved into some kind of tantra community, which helped a lot in addressing my guilt/shame issues about sex, and also had some amazing sexual adventure with some women I met there, but I am taking some distance from that community because the people there seem to be totally lost in that lifestyle.

Tried to quit several times, sometimes going as far as 6 months, but always fell back

Well, my last try was in December, I didn't watch porn or masturbate from around Dec 10 until few days ago (Jan 8 )...and then it has been hell, several hours almost every day.

Well, I hope it will stuck this time.

Cheers!
O.

 

[NeverSayNever]

Woke up sunday morning feeling very sluggish, mostly because I slept very late (was watching the movie Horrible Bosses 2 until around 2:30, it was horrible). So after having breakfast and washing some dishes, it was already 1pm. It was snowing quite a lot,  but I managed to force myself to go for a run. It ended up being actually a fantastic run! I didnt bring my running watch, so was just running by feeling, started slow, and the final 20 minutes or so, I was flying. Wow, such a sense of freedom running while it is snowing!

Afterwards, cleaned up my apartment thoroughly, did my laundry, prepared some smoothie, took a bath while watching a movie (dumb and dumber 2...which sucked big time as well, I don't know but lately I am finding it hard to laugh at any movie)..

Now, have to write some emails and call one girl before I go to sleep. it is a bit messy with her: we met in the summer at a friend's wedding. Nothing happend then except that we have a very nice two hours of conversation the night of the wedding and we danced a bit. I was not really attracted to her physically, and she was also very young (just turned 23). On top of that, she lives in the US and I live in Sweden (the wedding was in another country). Anyways, she wrote to me afterwards that she likes me and she wants to keep in touch, so we started calling each other every other week or so, and talked about everything except about our "relationship". A couple of days ago I got this very lengthy condemning mail from her, where she was saying how much she likes me and that I am a dick for ignoring that blah blah. Well, though I must say I am flattered a bit about it, I am a bit lost on what she really wants. I think I will just have to be honest and tell her what I feel.

Another girl on the picture is the one I met few weeks ago while on holiday in Ethiopia (I am originally from there as well). She was a cashier at the hotel I was staying and we ended up dating few times. First two dates were very short, on the third date we slept together, but I experienced ED...I was devastated (last time I experienced ED was like 2 years ago). Few days after that, we spent the whole day and night together and this time I popped a couple of viagra pills (first time I tried it), and that helped and we had a good sex. But come to think of it, the last date was not a result of me really wanting to be with her but rather just my ego trying to justify itself and get some validation. I even went to the trouble of extending my holiday by 5 days so that I can spend one full day with her. But afterwards I left her, I didn't feel that much attraction towards her and now there is this strong urge in me just to disappear from her. But resisting that urge, I called her the day after I came back to Sweden and she wrote me a mail yesterday saying how much she misses me and stuff like that. I really don't know what I feel about her now. I will just try to keep contact for a while and see how it goes.

It has been quite sometime since women, specially two at the same time, have shown strong interest in me, so the ego wants this to continue regardless of what this can do to the girls. But I hope I will be able to control that dark side of me and be true towards them. Wish me luck!

 

[NeverSayNever]

day 4
so far, it has been good, but today I get a sudden urge just a while ago. I rushed into this website to get inspired a bit, but soon I find out that I am searching for shemale related stuff in the forums (as my main addiction is that one...no matter how much shemale porn gets me turned on)...so if I don't stop right now and go to sleep, in few moments, I know I will be browsing shemale porn...I feel the addiction kind of engulfing me..I hear little voices like come on, it is only 4 days since you started the reboot, you wont lose that much time if you started again tomorrow...and images are flashing back on me, some of the models that I like, their big penises and super feminine bodies...the shock of the combination of the two...now I try to bring to mind the frustrations, all the times that I have suffered ED while being with women that I liked, the times that I didn't escalate my interaction with women, specially those in my social circle, because I was afraid that I might not get it up and thus "words will spread about that", etc.... how long has it been? almost 20 years now since I started experiencing sporadic EDs... I don't want to go back there anymore. I will not go down this time. Press the post button and shut down the computer immediately. Good night!!!

 

[NeverSayNever]

wow, yesterday was really difficult. I barely made it without slipping. After coming back from a friend's party and then meeting some other friends for a drink, I just couldn't fall asleep. After browsing around random sites for about an hour, I find myself watching videos about ladyboys on youtube (not porn, just some documentary, etc... but still getting aroused watching them, ...). Then I went into an escort website to check if there are any ladyboy escorts visiting my city, and was almost dragged into porn, but fortunately I stopped. It took me quite sometime afterwards to go back to sleep, since I didn't my usual pacifier, but I felt so good in the morning. Proud of myself, but scared at the same time that it is becoming harder and harder the past couple of days. I thought one week was gonna be a peace of cake, but how I was mistaken!

 

[NeverSayNever]

Ah just did something that I am really proud of! I was trying to open some video file and in my video player recent list I saw a porn related title, something shemale,...I was surprised because it has been now almost 3 weeks since I watched porn, and I thought I have deleted all the files I have on my laptop, when I checked I found out that even though I have deleted the file, the program has linked it with the one I have on the trash can. I go to my trash can, and see tons of other porn movies, GBs, that I have put in the trash, but have forgotten to delete completely. For several seconds, I sat frozen, the urge to check them out once before I delete them was incredibly strong. But somehow, I managed to select all and obliterate them. WoW, it feels gooooooooooooooooooooood! ;D ;D ;D ;D