I Need Help

[BTW]

I'm at the end of my rope and I need help.. I suppose as it goes i'm a pretty typical case but I do have
some unique contributors also :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

My name is Brandon and i've been struggling with Porn induced ED for a few yrs now.. it's prob started 7-8 yrs
ago but it's at it's worst now.  As I type this I haven't looked at porn for 3 days, prob one of my longer stretches.  My go to way is simply pulling up a quick smutty vid from PornHub or similar and getting off and moving on.  My preferred drug has always been
girl on girl porn as it has been since 2006 approx when i started.. my brain hard wired to that and I never had the desire to
look at anything else.  I'm 27 now and not much has changed. 

I moved away from home when I was 18 and joined the Air Force.. this is a time where I had more freedom and
was single and well you know the rest.  I had my laptop and I started to download girl on girl porn off
Limewire, Torrentz etc and was getting off pretty much daily to it, I had next to no responsibilities other than working
and no parents to worry about around the house anymore etc so I had at it in my dorm room.  I sometimes went a few days in between
but not often.  I got married young when I was 19, at that point my Libido was on point, all my wife and I did
while we dated was party and have sex in my dorm room, sometimes up to 4-5 times a day.  After we got married, things
changed and it was all my fault.  I kept masturbating to the same stuff I always did whenever my wife wasn't around..
regardless of how much sex I was getting.. at this time I could handle both and it wasn't a problem.  I was away from home on 2 6- month deployments over the next few yrs.. I look at these as times when I really got chemically dependent.. obviouslly without
my wife to have a normal sex life I fell into the trap of porn and plastic satisfaction.  While I was away from home I masturbated daily sometimes more than once to porn whenever I was bored before bed and stuff. 

Then we also have two kids.. as it goes we've been alot less sexual active since having kids by the nature of balancing the
kids/work/stress.. this has led to me getting off when I feel I need to.  If the wife says not tonight, I will simply go in the living
room and get off and it's been like that for 5 yrs.  Trying to maintain a balance of still having a sex life but then when I don't get
sex having my own time, now that has eroded.. i'm no longer able to see porn AND have a sexual relationship. 

My situation contributes to the difficulty of my recovery. it's not like i'm just a single guy without
unlimited time to think this through or no responsibility.  I work full time, go to school full time in mornings and evenings and i'm also married with two kids(3 and 5), this has made things all the more difficult.  With the strains of life there is great pressure for my wife
and I to be intimate when the moment is right since we're usually busy, since i'm away at work or school alot of the time and my wife is usually ready for bed right after the kids go to sleep, she wants it when she wants it and I haven't been prepared.... my addiction is taking over.

I haven't been able to maintain an erection, have a full salute full erection, morning erection and also late or no ejaculation issues.  This has been happening for some time and I never addressed it and now it threatens to destroy my relationship, .  At least a few times a week, I wait till my wife is sleeping and then quickly masturbate and move on, i'll bring up a vid, get off and move on in less than 5 mins in most cases..I never knew how this was destroying me until now. The reason i'm choosing to bring this up now is because it seems
to have gotten much worse of the past few weeks and months.. until a few days ago I was still masturbating almost daily and now
all of a sudden I see the damage.. I can't even recall the last time I had a full erection or a satisfying orgasm to be honest..just weak. :'(

Let me tell you about my wife and the reason I will never bring this to light with her..I love her however is she a certain way let's say..she was raised as a rather rigidly conservative Christian and things like Porn, Masturbation etc don't exist in her world, it's just the way she was brought up.  She gets offended at the very mention.  In general we are on very different planes sexually even though I have gotten her to loosen up a few times
it's not the kind of thing she would ever even bring up outside the bedroom..  The reason I explain this is because telling my wife about my porn habits would destroy my marriage, as in end it.. there's just no way around it when she's been basically brought up to
believe masturbating as an equivalent to cheating and porn is the same. Regardless of all that, she is still attractive and I want
to be able have a goddamn normal erection again but she has an average sex drive and i've found my self more often then not
avoiding sex with her or hoping she falls asleep, knowing I had already masturbated or even if I hadn't fear that I wouldn't
be able to perform and she would call me out on it, which she has

Most of the time if I don't Cum or can't stay hard it's not a big deal and I just get my wife off and we move on and she falls asleep, but then there are times where she asks me what is wrong with you? and has come straight out and questioned if i'm cheating on her.. If I was in a situation where I felt like I could be honest about it I would, but I would lose everything she believes this stuff is completely evil.
It's alot of pressure on me to pull out of this quick and rescue my relationship// the longer I can't perform the more suspicious my
wife is becoming.

So it seems i'm fighting this battle alone, and just hoping there some others who can kind of relate.  I'm in a situation where I need
to recover fast and recover the intimacy with my wife fast and i'm hoping there is someone who can relate.

 

[CrateDane]

There is probably no quick fix for you especially when you put such pressure on yourself- Willing this to change is not enough by itself, it takes the time it takes and it could be 30 days, 90 days or 2 years for you. We dont know.
IMO you should tell her, yes you say she thinks this is evil and wrong in every way BUT if she is a true christian she should be able to see that you are just a human, that you need her help and she should be able to forgive. After all isnt that the most important lesson they teach ?
The chance of you getting through this through stealth alone, and her never knowing, is slim in my mind. And when she does find out, do you want to be the one to tell her or do you want her to realise you have been lying to her ?

Whether you decide to tell her or not, I suggest going on a hardmode 90 days, no porn, no masturbation and no orgasm without it being with your wife (which is easier said than done, I know).
Good luck!

 

[challenged]

BTW, first thing you have to do is stop the porn.  You have to do it.  That is the fundamental problem you have now and rebooting your brain is the only way to fix a lot of your problems.

As to telling your wife, that is a tough one.  Your wife's feelings regarding porn (and to some extent M) are understandable if she was raised as a conservative Christian.  But I wish I could speak to your wife, as I am also a conservative Christian and I would tell her that God has forgiven her many sins a thousands times over (she surely understand this), and therefore she needs to work towards the process of forgiving you as you work through the process of returning to a healthy sexual lifestyle.  The forgiveness issue can indeed be a tough one for some Christians when dealing with sins of this nature, but the Bible makes it very clear that Christians are to forgive others just as God has forgiven them.  It is a direct command from Scripture.

I'm not sure I would make any headway with your wife on this issue, because this sin of porn can be very hurtful to our spouses, and some women have a very, very difficult time with the issue.  One thing that I have often seen recommended by other women is for a wife who has your wife's religious beliefs to try to talk to an older women in your church who might be able to give her some counsel on dealing with your porn use, forgiveness, reconciliation, etc.  Sometimes a person in your wife's position could benefit from this type of wise counsel.

Now if you decide not to tell her, the only way that is going to work is if you stop the porn ASAP and the reboot returns you to "normal," so to speak.  Perhaps the physical issues will resolve themselves. Another option is to tell her down the road, but I would think it is going to be much easier for you to obtain forgiveness and reconciliation if you are able to say that you have not used any porn for X days and to demonstrate in that way that you are committed to changing.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I'm touched by and sorry about your situation and the conundrum about whether to tell your wife.  I hope that she might be more understanding than you predict (or might be understanding after some time to process all that you two are going through), but again, whether or not you tell her, the one thing you must do ASAP is stop the porn.