It's been a week since I decided to give up ALL my addictions in one fell swoop and I am nothing. I feel nothing. I am numb to everything. No emotion, no anger, nothing. Just a constant self loathing. I guess this is what they mean by flatlining. I have no morning wood and I swear my jewels have gotten smaller. I feel lifeless.
Not only did I give up porn but also weed, sugar, and masturbation. I use to literally do all these things AT THE SAME TIME. It would start with a joint then I'd start eating donuts then I'd start watching porn and masturbate away only to repeat the cycle two or three more times throughout the night 4 or 5 nights in a row. It was cocktail for ecstasy. It's all I've been doing the last couple years. I don't know who I am now. I've lost all my friends. No one calls me not even my family. I've never really been in a true relationship. I'm on no career path. No direction. Although I don't think I can committ suicide, I'm actually hoping I get struck by a car or some mugger kills me or something so i can be put out of this misery. I sleep any chance I get. Writing this right now is a chore.
I started looking and masturbating to Porn when I was about 12. This was back in the 80's where I would grab my fathers old Playboys and go to town. It's sad to think my first sexual experience was with a glossy magazine. However, I have to admit. I wasn't always a porn user. When i left home in "95 the internet was still kind of a novelty so I didn't have access to porn and I never bought the stuff because I was poor. I masturbated like crazy though and I never had sex until I was 23. It wouldn't be until I was about 27 when i started to get the hang of sex and not until 30 when I could really let myself go. However, when the stresses of life started kicking in and free internet porn was all the rage I definitely indulged. At first it seemed fine, but I ignored a lot of things especially the way I treated women. Porn taught me to treat women like objects, not people. As a result, no real girlfriends. Luckily, I actually had awesome sexual experiences but I would toss these women aside like used napkins. When i turned 36 I became a drug dealer and since I had access to weed 24/7 I smoked it CONSTANTLY! Add a constant flow of porn and masturbation and thus started a downward spiral. I was chasing an acting career and was doing alright, but that ended. A few girls, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, were interested in me but now I practically scare women away.
Anyway, we shall see. what happens. I'm guessing I have a long road ahead of me. I decided to stop chasing women. The last 20 or so girls I've tried to have sex with has been a chore. I can't keep it up or anything. It's terrible. On a positive not, I've really developed my oral sex skills. You wouldn't believe how some women just love that and will come back for more. In any case I shall return with my progress.
Not only did I give up porn but also weed, sugar, and masturbation. I use to literally do all these things AT THE SAME TIME. It would start with a joint then I'd start eating donuts then I'd start watching porn and masturbate away only to repeat the cycle two or three more times throughout the night 4 or 5 nights in a row. It was cocktail for ecstasy. It's all I've been doing the last couple years. I don't know who I am now. I've lost all my friends. No one calls me not even my family. I've never really been in a true relationship. I'm on no career path. No direction. Although I don't think I can committ suicide, I'm actually hoping I get struck by a car or some mugger kills me or something so i can be put out of this misery. I sleep any chance I get. Writing this right now is a chore.
I started looking and masturbating to Porn when I was about 12. This was back in the 80's where I would grab my fathers old Playboys and go to town. It's sad to think my first sexual experience was with a glossy magazine. However, I have to admit. I wasn't always a porn user. When i left home in "95 the internet was still kind of a novelty so I didn't have access to porn and I never bought the stuff because I was poor. I masturbated like crazy though and I never had sex until I was 23. It wouldn't be until I was about 27 when i started to get the hang of sex and not until 30 when I could really let myself go. However, when the stresses of life started kicking in and free internet porn was all the rage I definitely indulged. At first it seemed fine, but I ignored a lot of things especially the way I treated women. Porn taught me to treat women like objects, not people. As a result, no real girlfriends. Luckily, I actually had awesome sexual experiences but I would toss these women aside like used napkins. When i turned 36 I became a drug dealer and since I had access to weed 24/7 I smoked it CONSTANTLY! Add a constant flow of porn and masturbation and thus started a downward spiral. I was chasing an acting career and was doing alright, but that ended. A few girls, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, were interested in me but now I practically scare women away.
Anyway, we shall see. what happens. I'm guessing I have a long road ahead of me. I decided to stop chasing women. The last 20 or so girls I've tried to have sex with has been a chore. I can't keep it up or anything. It's terrible. On a positive not, I've really developed my oral sex skills. You wouldn't believe how some women just love that and will come back for more. In any case I shall return with my progress.
