Doc74's journal - Jan 13 is day 1 !!!

[Doc74]

Hi all,
55 year old guy here, first day on this site, tripped over it searching for help on the net - looks like I found exactly the support network I need!
I am truly grateful.
Been a porn reader, watcher and user for about 42 years. Started with my brothers and Dad's dirty magazines and never looked back. Never liked that I've likely wasted a full year of my life PMOing, but I can't change that. What I can change is my actions moving forward.
Only been day one, but it's all completely different view from here, now that I have a plan and have already learned so much about my addiction, just in the time I've had to read articles on this site. Had a couple of thoughts about visiting the wrong sites today, but successfully avoided those and this site and the contributors deserves the  credit.
I am looking forward to a successful day two - and on to 1 week, 1 month and beyond!
Thank you reboot nation!!!!

 

[challenged]

Doc74, we are close in age and experience.  I started with porn about 45 years ago when I stumbled upon some Playboy magazines in the trunk of my dad's car.  As you say, after that I "never looked back."

The good news is that it seems to be a little bit easier for some of us older guys to reboot from the physical manifestations of porn use, although it is still a real challenge.  But I have already seen clear benefits form staying away from porn, including a much stronger sexual attraction to my wife of 30+ years, and a fairly obvious reduction in interest in and enthusiasm for porn.

So I wish you the best, and hope I and others can help you (and vice-versa).

 

[Poker]

Welcome...  And good luck my friend.  This is fixable.

Cheers,

p.

 

[Doc74]

Day 2 - had some beautiful texts with my GF last night (she works out of town sometimes).. She is really the motivation for why I needed and wanted to end my porn habit. Early on in our new relationship a few months ago, I was having performance problems, which I had NEVER experienced before. Those humbling experiences were crushing to my sense of self, I had never had performance issues, at all, and here I was with the most beautiful, sexy, kind, smart and horny lady, and i would sometimes not be able to get it up, or would go soft in the middle of sex and rarely was able to cum. And she is so caring that she wanted me to get the pleasure she knew we both wanted. In the last couple of months, prior to finding this site, I had cut down on my PMO activities. And now that I've read and learned so much, I fully understand the destructive nature of porn. Like most older guys, it started with reading penthouse and looking at the pics. My buddy and Imwould swap those magazines, like we would swap records. Then it evolved when VCRs became available and you could start to find porn movies. I would rent them from the corner store, watch them (sometimes with my first wife) but often on my own. PMOing when I was alone was frequent, and I always made sure I came at an appropriate "hot" point in the movie.
This was all relatively manageable, since I couldn't watch endless numbers of movies or get access to endless numbers of penthouse magazines.
But then the Internet was born - and I was in trouble!!! Now, as we all know all too well, an endless supply of pics, gifs, clips or full movies are available anytime I can find alonetime. And that also allowed me to more and more easily make contact with real people looking for the real thing. So as my porn use escalated, so did my ability - and desire - to cheat on my wife.
Like my porn use, my cheating started simply enough with other women. Not always easy, but through various sites, and phone chat lines, I connected with like-minded girls. And occasionally we would hook up. My porn needs constantly evolved, I found my tastes and wants would escalate, needing different types of women, different scenarios, straight, lesbian, gay, then 3somes, bondage, more degrading, more orgies. And my personal experimenting followed, I started trying gay sex (I now identify as mostly straight, but a small portion is bi - a 1 or a 2 on Kinsey's bisexuality scale), group sex, 3somes or 4somes , mostly with me as the 3rd with a couple, and even going so far as to hookup with a couple of transsexuals. Sometimes using prostitutes. So all through this was my constant need for porn, to feed me.
Yes, I was morally bankrupt, and I could no longer stay in that marriage. She never knew the full extent of my cheating ways, nor my need for porn. I justified my behaviour I my own little warped head, getting regularly tested for STDs sand AIDS, I minimized the risk by always wearing condoms - but still, how could I be so immoral???
That marriage ended with no expectation for another significant, love based relationship. But accidentally I met the most wonderful woman ever!!! And I was not going to screw up my unbelievable good fortune. So I decided to change. I stopped meeting anyone for casual sex, I started to cut back on porn. My performance problems with my new GF started to get better, but still on my mind.
And that brings me to this site. Day 2 and I am thrilled to have found a network to help me - and one that I can help others.

 

[Phase2]

Welcome Doc. You've come to the right place. Keep journaling--make this site your obsession for a few weeks and learn everything. Once I had knowledge, I had power over porn--it just wasn't that hard to cut it out once I knew how it was screwing up my life. I'm still a newbie myself but I would recommend making a real commitment in your head to never watching porn again. That way you don't have thoughts and negotiations about 'visiting the wrong sites.' You simply won't do it ever again--and I'd get the K9 blocker to aid you with this. I have mine 'bark' at any suspicious sites and that quickly sets me back on the right path. Going into this battle halfway, by cutting down porn, is not the trick. You must stop it 100%. Do it man! Good luck!

 

[Doc74]

Well, although it's been a few days since I last posted - all is good! Today is day 6 of finding this site and starting this journal. And my last PMO was about 10 days ago - and right now I am feeling even stronger! I know this may not last, but through circumstance, I've been really busy with work - even had a couple of work from home days - that used to spell 1-3 hours of PMOing, but recently I've been able to avoid it. And my GF is the strongest motivator I have. There are others, but she is also my inspiration. I know that I can't be that old me and still have - and keep - her interest. And man, I am the luckiest bastard on the planet - she is SO worth it. That said, I am just starting to realize that each one of us should be the primary reason to beat this addiction, because we're better than it and each of us is worth more to ourselves than this addiction.
The positive vibes I pick up from this site, the good vibes I get from people at work, my friends, family - if we all take the time to listen to them, to feel them, to appreciate them, to recognize them - these vibes can and do help us all. Us them! They're ours to help us on our journey's.
Be strong brothers!

 

[Dharmabum]

Keep up the good work, Doc.  And welcome aboard.  You'll find a lot of support here and guys who have been on here a long time who prove it can be done, and that the work never really ceases.  It's a journey, but a worthwhile one that will give you a clearer mind, a clearer conscience, and a new perspective.  36 days in and i feel some of that, and am anxious for more. 

Stay vigilant.  Keep going. 

 

[Doc74]

Day 10 for this journal and for finding this site. 2 days ago was the toughest day yet, worked from home, tempted, wanted to, but read and fought off the desires to PMO. Working from home again today, but not feeling the same weakness - yet!
I am loving what this can do for me - already I am calculating that by not PMOing I have found about an hour a day of extra time!!! Do the math, in the next 25 years, that's like having an extra 9,125 hours, or if you figure this is "awake time" (which means 16 hours a day), this gives us the equivalent of another 570 days!!!
Keep up the good fight my friends!
The positive outcomes are so huge, feel the strength we are gaining, use the vibe we create, if you are at all spiritual, smile, create a positive outlook, share it with others, it will always come back to you in larger doses than you send out! Smile, think great thoughts, believe and live in the dream you desire!

 

[Doc74]

Today is the 2 week mark for having started this journal. I am tempted at times. This morning, laying in bed, morning wood, tempting to jerk off. I have avoided that urge, but had thought back to some sexual experiences (for me, it's always the visualization of the act, what we were doing, the "money" shot, etc), just like watching porn. And that brought me to this site. I find it a strong motivator to come here and read what others are experiencing.
Lately, I have had no issues with rising up to make love with my GF. I have been getting great erections - and they last a long time! I am very fortunate! That said, I can only reach orgasm about 20% of the time, while we're fucking. The rest of the time, I either don't cum or I have to finish off using my hand. I am hoping that as I jouney down this path, I will get to the point where I can cum most or all of the of the time while we're fucking.
Keep up the faith my friends! You are all strong enough to do This!

 

[jstock]

Good job doc. I couldn't  imagine  being  home alone on the computer. That would  be tough. It sounds  like you are doing great. I'm almost  90 days clean. I still think about  pmoing,  but it's just usually  just for a couple  seconds,  then my brain  moves on. I sit in a dump  truck most of the day, for a while it was tough  not getting  on those sites,while I was in one place, not driving. Your doing  awesome,  we are always  here. Porn is not an option,  ever

 

[Doc74]

A bad start to the day, I just PMO'd. Dumbass move, very disappointed in myself. I felt great yesterday, last night, even this morning, it's amazing how  quick and easy it was to just visit the wrong site and WAM, I was in trouble!
What can I learn from this??? Trigger - lying in bed, I use my iPad as my alarm. Not any more, I will buy an alarm clock today and My iPad won't be allowed into my bedroom.
Also, no relaxing in bed in the morning. From now on, the alarm goes off, I get outta bed, no snoozing or just taking it easy.
Back to the starting gate, anyone reading this, please identify your triggers, minimize your risk, be stronger, learn from my mistake!
Fight the good fight brothers!

 

[Phase2]

Doc, can you put the K9 blocker on your ipad? This will stop you in your tracks early before you can go down the wrong path. Its super easy to install and you can modify it to make sure your specific site triggers are blocked.

 

[ready2go]

No worries doc.  Reset and keep going.  You can do it.  Be easy on yourself.  Look at what you learned from just that one episode!  It helped me.  My phone is always in my bed, next to me.  From tonight on, it is turned off, downstairs. 

Thanks for helping me out by keeping us in the loop.