Tostadora: 4 years working on it

[tostadora]

ready2go: thanks for your posts, man, it really helps me to go on. I find it difficult to juggle taking care of my gf and taking care of myself. When I'm out there, I do everything until I'm exhausted, and then if I'm exhausted I get sick and can't take care of people anymore. So I've to be there for her, but also get plenty of rest and eat well. Here comes some difficult days, and I'm still recovering from the flu, so I'm really hoping that my body would be up to the challenge.


February 5th:

The day started with a panic attack in the shower. I started to breathe rapidly and my vision blurred and I had to get out. Then the rest of the day I was feeling miserable, without drive or energy to do anything, and feeling that I wanted to be with my mother and not to think about anything.

Tomorrow I'm going on a trip with my gf, and I hope that'd raise my mood.

 

[tostadora]

February 6th, 7th & 8th:

I was all the weekend with my gf, trying to cheer her up before surgery. I was nervous because I didn't want to infect her with the flu, so we agreed to not kiss all weekend long.

The hotel was great, and Saturday we had lots of fun and I we were really happy. We had sex Friday night, but I couldn't reach orgasm, probably because of the condom and having to be careful with the face contact.

Anyway, Sunday I was again at my home and I didn't like it. I don't like the place where I live. I have a contract for an additional 4 months. When that expires, I', finding myself a better place. But now is not the moment to make changes. The only change I've to do is get rid of my addiction. Anything else will have to wait.

 

[tostadora]

This days I've been at the hospital taking care of my gf. I felt joy in some moments, as I felt useful, but today I'm feeling bad, because I'm feeling that this has happened too soon and that our feelings are not that strong to be so close in such a difficult situation. My mind tells me to back out a little bit, and as her mother is coming to take care of her, I think this is the right moment to do so.

I don't like when we're together and I don't know what to say, because we don't know each other that well, and we're seeing each other every day for long hours. Anyway, I don't want this to get into my head and send me into confusion that can end in anxiety.

 

[tostadora]

February 12th:

It was a good day. Felt anxious in the morning, but then I went to see my gf at the hospital and met her mother. She was very warm and thankful for my help and I felt great. Then I was with my gf all afternoon and we had a lot of fun and I was relaxed and happy and laughing. The doctor said she could leave the hospital and we were both very happy, but I felt a bit sad because that meant that in the future I'll be less time with her.

Anyway, felt some urges coming home, but nothing serious. I have to be vigilant, because I'm not feeling that strong right now.

 

[jkkk]

You're doing well, bro.

I see you're in the withdrawal phase. Lots of what you report, especially the indecisivness, mood swings, confusion over your feelings, your plans, this is all a creature of withdrawal.

Be strong. Know that you're not 100% yourself yet. You're fighting and I admire your spirit.

You wrote yourself - no big changes for the moment. This is really a long term plan. Give yourself some time and let yourself recover. You will be thinking different thoughts in 6 months. Same with the decision about your girlfriend. You're not able to assess now whether it's good to be with her or not. So stay put.

One day at a time. Tackle today, not the future, nor the past.

You're doing great, buddy

Pass my warm wishes of recovery to your gf!

 

[tostadora]

jkkk- thanks for your kind words. Yes, I'm in the withdrawal phase, but it's getting harder and I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. Yesterday I was triggered and today also. But I have to think as you say: one day at a time and thinking about how I'll change and I'll be.

Also, I find very important the moment that I'd have to say to my gf that I relapsed. I don't want to lose her trust, so for me that has to be a motivator.

February 13th and 14th:

Had some urges, mainly because I'm starting to worry about not being able of making it and that's debilitating me. I kept myself busy in order to had them fade away: went shopping, or cooking, or whatever.

Had a difficult night on Friday, because I was alone at home, which is a huge trigger for me. Anyway, I managed to make it, so that's good for me.

Yesterday, 14th, I went to celebrate Valentine's with my gf. It was a great afternoon with her. I'm feeling much more confident around her, and that's probably the recovery. But at the same time, my brain is screaming for a fix. We tried to have sex, but the surgery scar was bothering her, so I left with that unfulfilled. Then I went to a friend's house, just to keep me busy and with people, and played a game. I was nervous with them, because it has been a while since I've seen them and conversation was not flowing as I'd like.

Anyway, tough days ahead, I can see that.

 

[tostadora]

February 15th:

In the morning I was feeling anxious and triggered, so I called my therapist and that felt great. Then I went shopping and cooked, so I was busy and that's also great.

Then I went to my parent's house and didn't felt good. I was nervous and I didn't felt like I fitted in. I said to my parents that I was unhappy in my new place and they started to complain about my life choices and that felt bad.

Anyway, I then went to see my GF and it was a memorable evening. We said some sweet things to each other, and she said to me that she was in love with me and asked for me to come by tomorrow to see her again. We're so much in love and I like it. Anyway, she also said that she was planning something to celebrate my 60 days of sobriety, that are due this weekend, and that also made me feel happy

 

[ready2go]

Tostadora, I've been following your journal and just want to say something that may be helpful, and then maybe it won't be.  Your caring for this woman, your gf, whatever your relationship, while she is in a crisis will never be forgotten by her.  You are providing support at a time when she is at one of her lowest and most vulnerable points.  Regardless of how things turn out later in your relationship, you are doing a great, great thing by sticking with her and being there for her.

Stay strong.  Don't watch porn.  Come here instead.  We'll keep you busy.  Porn will do you no good and it won't love you like we will.

 

[tostadora]

ready2go: thanks for your words. It's helpful  I'll stay strong and I won't watch porn no matter how bad I feel. I know I can do this, and that I'll be fine after this. I will be fine. I hope so, I have to hope so, because if that's not the case I'll go mad.

February 16th:

I was feeling anxious all morning thinking about my life, how alone I feel and about my flat, which I don't like because it's small or the neighborhood is not good, or I miss nature surrounding me, or I miss my friends that used to live near me. Who knows.

Anyway, I couldn't concentrate at work and I was miserable and didn't talk much, because I didn't felt like it. I thought about going to see my gf or not, because she said yesterday that she wanted to see me, but I had therapy first and it'd be very late. Anyway, I decided to see her because I wanted to and I prefer to be with her half an hour than to be alone at home.

So I went to therapy and talked about what I was feeling and the people there were really supportive and gave me great advice, so that's good. I left feeling much more quiet. I arrived at my gf's and had a good time chatting with her the only but is that we talked a lot about my therapy, and I don't want me relationship to be about my recovery, and that she saw that I was nervous (moving my leg a lot) and was a bit worried.

Anyway, I hope this nervousness will pass someday, and I really hope it'll be sooner than later. I'm now entering my personal record of sobriety in four years. From now on, it's uncharted territory for me. Let's go! 

 

[ready2go]

Oh man that all sounds perfect, just where you should be.
Not giving in to porn, being with others who can and will support and love you, being in touch with your feelings and experiencing and embracing them.  Awesome.  Keep going man.  You're really on this and will come through so much happier and better.  Don't worry about what you talk about with your gf.  She's just glad you're there and it allows her to give you care and takes her mind off her own situation for a while.  That is doing her a favor, trust me.  Keep doing it.  It will be fine. RTG

 

[tostadora]

Ready2go: yeah I think that's the stuff, being able to identify feelings, name them and experience them. I hope it'll be better

February 17th:

Today has been easier than yesterday. I started the day feeling calm, but grew worrier as the day progressed at work. I tried to work for a while and that paid off. Anyway, I was feeling anxious, so I decided to concentrate on breathing and it relaxed me a little bit. For I while I was feeling happy.

Then I went with my gf to see the doctor and had a great time, and then we went with my mother-in-law to my place to play the piano and had also a great time. Then in therapy I was feeling calm and peaceful and was able to joke and have a good time. I have to remember what this feeling is like to have it in store when the anxiety comes back.

Anyway, by night my gf called me worried about something she read in the biopsy report. I was also struck, because it said that her cancer was Phase III. We didn't expect it to be an advanced cancer. But then I looked around and found that we've misinterpreted the report, and that was not the case. My gf was very much relieved and thanked me which was nice

The only black spot of the day, and it's something that is worrying me, is that when I was with my in-law and my gf at my place, she saw a religious calendar that I've in the kitchen. It's covered partially with a kitchen cloth, because the calendar was a gift from my mother, but I don't like having religious pictures around, so I covered it. My gf said something like "wow, it's better covered" and that I didn't like. She is not religious at all, even a bit hostile to religion. I don't go to church, but my religious upbringing makes me have a positive view of religion and some faith, despite the problems that I see.

So she said something like "are we going to fight because of this [religion] in the future?" and I said that "I don't think so, but it'll depend on our attitude" and she said "it'lll depend on YOUR attitude, because I don't give a damn" and that I didn't like, because her attitude is also important. If she is hostile, she'll probably hurt me. I don't know, I'm not even sure about how I feel about religion right now. Anyway, I let that slip in the moment, but now I'm thinking about it and about talking to my gf again. Then there's my parents, who will flip out when they find out that I'm dating a non religious girl...

I'm trying to not get too obsessed about this, but it has been difficult. I plan to bring this topic to therapy today, because I think I've to work on it.

 

[tostadora]

February 18th:

A good day overall. I was worried a bit about the religion aspect of myself, but managed to talk it out and be well. I was feeling much more relaxed, even happy By the afternoon, I went climbing and was really tired afterwards, but that didn't prevent me to go see my future in-law to say goodbye. My gf was feeling tired, but was thrilled to see me, and we talked about seeing each other the next day and maybe have sex if we're on the mood, which is nice. She also talked about me spending the weekend at her place, which is even nicer. I went to sleep at 11pm, which is very soon for me. I wanted to treat my body well.

 

[tostadora]

February 19th (morning):

Today I woke up feeling tired, and my throat was aching a little bit again. I felt really worried, because I can't imagine spending another weekend alone and sick at home. It'd be a very challenging situation, addiction-wise. Plus a much worse plan that spending the weekend at my gf's. I have a difficult day: work, then going to pick up my gf for her doctor's appoinment, then driving to another town to get a haircut, and then going back home where I can rest (hopefully) and have dinner, before going to therapy and to my gf's house where I'll spend the night. I really hope that I'm not sick again.

 

[jkkk]

I've been reading each and every sentence of your thread, including the last ones.

Your reboot seems... very familiar, I should say. I have this funny feeling, when reading the ambience of what you wrote, that the way you're experiencing your reboot is something very similar is to how I experienced my first reboot nearly 5 years ago. It is the same vulnerability that you're describing that I felt back then.

This also means that I feel for you, so very very much, bro. Just a few thoughts:

- you're doing great!

- the feeling of anxiety will go away, give it time!

- you will not solve all potential issue in your relationship at the beginning of it

- you will not solve difficult issues like religion and faith quickly either

- ONE DAY AT A TIME; don't expect nothing from yourself and don't allow others to heap any pressure at you

- think about your love for yourself

 

[tostadora]

jkkk, thanks for reading my post and for your advices. They really help me to be better. What do you mean that the way I'm experiencing my reboot is similar to your first reboot? Is it not similar to your second reboot? Why and in which aspects do they differ? I have lots of questions right now, because I'm in uncharted territory

I'm really happy that you think that I'm doing great. Sometimes I've the feeling that I'm letting myself drift and that the addiction will come back stronger than ever.

Regarding anxiety, I hope it'll fade completely. Right now it comes and goes. And religion and faith... that's something I've counciously decided to postpone. It's a complex issue and I'm not in a position to tackle it right now.

Thanks a lot for your support!

 

[tostadora]

February 19th - 23th:

It's been a while since I wrote. I've been busy at my gf's place and I didn't have time to write. The 19th I did have sex and ejaculate, and the next day I felt strange, so I'm not sure is achieving orgasm, even in a comitted relationship and without fantasy, is good for me. I talked with my gf and told her that when we had sex, I'd be refraining from orgasm conciusly. She was OK with that (it's also more time for her )

The weekend was great. I spent a lot of time with her and I was feeling quiet. That's nice we also started sleeping together better and had sex on sunday (no orgasm for me this time).

Anyway, yesterday, Monday 23th, I awoke feeling good, but as the day progressed I was feeling more and more rushed. I had to leave work at 12pm to go get my car and drive my GF to the doctor, and I didn't like leaving work at that hour, when you're supposed to be there. In top of that, I was running late to pick up my gf and the traffic put me in a angry / rushed mood. Anyway, I was feeling strange the rest of the morning. I didn't remember where I parked the car (my gf was orienting herself better than me) and wasn't really paying attention to anything.

Anyway, my gf noticed it and that's when I felt that I was rushed. In the way back to her place, I also hit a car. Just a little scratch, but had to do the papers, and my gf was scared about me. It was my fault, because I was being impatient in the street. It seems that I feel worse on Mondays (when I'm at work I feel bad?) and then it gets better. I don't know, maybe it's too soon to extract a pattern.

The other topic of the day is money. I'm now going to a therapy that's very expensive, so this month I had to take money from my savings. That worried me and I told my gf that I'd be doing a budget to see where I can cut expenses. She was saying that money is for spending, and that she doesn't like stingy people. I'm not stingy, it's just that I don't want to depend on my savings to live day by day. I told her that I'd be dropping my phonetics class, a 100? saving every month.

Then she wrote me that she'd help me with the budget, because she has experience, and that she'll pay my phonetics class the next month. I didn't know what to do with the offering. It made me feel worried, because I foresee a discussion and I don't like discussions. Anyway, I explained in an email that I was tired of the class (the best part of it is that it's true) and that I'd be dropping it regardless of monetary reasons (which is also truth).

Anyway, a difficult day after a easy week. I suppose that's the way it is: you have stretches of bad days that, hopefully, are less and less frequent as you progress.

 

[tostadora]

February 24th-26th:

I haven't been writing as much as I wanted lately. I don't like that, because it's a sign that I'm not taking care of my daily routine :/

So this days have been easier than before. I felt less anxiety, but had more triggers in the street, mainly by passing girls, but also from flyers or even the newspaper (well, the photos in the newspaper )

To deal with them, I've been taking time to breathe, count backwards and think about the present, and how I can choose which thoughts to focus on.

Another good experience: on wednesday I went to bed at 11pm. I woke up the next morning at 7:20am fully rested. I really need to sleep 8 hours a day because it reallly helps me.

 

[tostadora]

February 27th-March 01:

I've been sloppy with my journal and my routine lately. That's not a good sign, because it means I'm getting complacent. In fact, I'm feeling better. Had a hell of a weekend with my gf and felt alive and happy. Brain fog has lifted a bit, and I'm not that anxious. So it seems that I'm in for a string of good days, but I'll be vigilant, because I don't want the addiction to surprise me with the guard down.

 

[pinkerton]

You're doing great tostadora! Keep going ?

 

[tostadora]

March 2nd:

Yesterday I felt great overall. Confident, and energetic. Climbing was great.

The only black spot is that I keep being triggered by girls in the street. I see one young thin girl and I receive a shock. What I'm doing is breathing and counting backwards, but it's getting less effective, or the urges stronger.

Later I went to therapy and they told me that sticking to the routine is very important, so here I am, writing my journal again.