Rick's Journal

[Rick18326]

I have been lurking on the board for a while now...finally decided to join and start an on-line journal. 

I'm in my mid 40s, good looking, smart, good job...all of that.  But I have always had an awful time with relationships.  I just never had the confidence...and when I would meet a guy, and things would start to cook, I could not keep an erection to save my life...which only undermined my confidence even more and made me worry about it more, which only made the problem worse.  So while I wanted a relationship I did not have the confidence to seriously believe I could do one, because I had no confidence in my dick or my ability to perform.  I have tried a couple over the years, but they have never worked out well or lasted, and I believe that is because I had no confidence...in me, or in my ability to perform.

On the other hand I had a pretty full and active on line life pursuing porn and sex...I would watch the stuff for hours, edge for hours, and had some fantastic experiences.  I even managed to develop a small group of edge buddies that I would get together to play with...at the height of my addiction I had two external hard drives stuffed full of porn.  I was on Craigslist and Grinder a lot, and had lots of tricks.  But it was empty, it was meaningless, and there was no connection...not with the porn, not with the tricks, and not with my edge buddies.  I was alone, and it really started to bother me.

I got pretty desperate about it...I think for a number of years I did not really want an intimate relationship, and therefore the porn and the jacking and the cruising and the tricking were enough for me, but for the last three years or so it has become less and less satisfying.  So things got pretty bad, I ended up getting very depressed, and finally I went and got some help.  Thank god for my counselor- its been a tough haul but we managed to turn things around.  Except for relationships...which always come back to sex and confidence and my insecurity and inability to perform with another guy. 

And then one day about two months ago I googled porn and erectile dysfunction on a whim...and discovered your brain on porn and a whole bunch of information about porn and how it can screw up your ability to function.  And it all resonated...it struck a cord...it fit.  It explained so much of what I was going through and the private hell that I was locked into.  So I next time I was at my counselor's I asked about it...and we talked about it...and I found out that I had a porn addiction and a sex addiction. 

I honestly did not know.  I had always thought porn was harmless, but looking back all the signs were there.  I started FAP ing when I was about 15, and did it once or twice daily for the next 30 years...and it has created some problems (to say the least).  But, even though I was pretty shook up about it, and kind of sad about it, there was hope.  I had been reading the boards and following the stories of guys like me with the same problem, and there seemed to be a way to fix it.  My counselor also agreed that it was fixable, and that there was hope.  So I came home, boxed up my external hard drives and gave them to a friend for safe keeping, scrubbed my PC for porn (it took almost a week before I finally got it clean), installed K9 porn blocker, and started on a hard reboot.

I made it 17 days the first time before I relapsed...I think mainly because I found a huge stash of porn on my hard drive that I missed when I scrubbed it.  But I picked myself up and started again; I am currently on day 20 of my 90 day reboot.

Its been interesting- I don't really miss the porn...I miss the orgasms...and men, but all in all I am doing OK.  The first two weeks I was in withdraw...I was freezing cold all the time and a real prick with an angry temper, but that seems to have passed.  Its interesting, because I am starting to see the world without the haze of daily FAP ing.  Some of the things I have noticed- I used porn and sex and FAP ing when I was bored or sad or unhappy or wanting to avoid something.  No wonder I had problems with sex in relationships...my use of sex was pretty screwed up.  I have started making better eye contact.  I started getting morning wood and erections at night...they are not where they need to be yet but they were practically non existent two months ago.  I actually felt the dope rush when I relapsed the first time...WOW.  NO wonder I got hooked.  I also discovered that just searching on Grinder or Craigslist gave me a dope rush, so I eventually removed them from my equipment and blocked Craigslist entirely. 

I am discovering new things every day.  I am working on eating better, exercising, and losing some weight.  I would like to start dating but I think I had better wait until the 90 days are up...I think dating would just confuse things for me.  In the meantime I do push ups and sit ups when the urge to FAP strikes...it works like a charm and I get some exercise.

In any event, I feel better because I finally know what the problem is, how to fix it, and I have started to do so.  I also keep reading the boards, especially when I am feeling discouraged, because your stories inspire me and encourage me to push on and keep going.  I don't feel alone anymore...and that is a great feeling.

 

[marsturm]

Hey Rick, Welcome to the Nation, THE place to be It's sure great that you're here - we can heal together. There are some other gay guys here, we're all in this together, and with the help from the community we can beat this!!! Your story sounds a lot like mine. I lost more and more interest in real people/sex. The truth was of course that I was afraid to perform, until I found the facts on RN and YBOP.

I think it's important to know that being able to perform is a vital but slightly overrated part in a committed relationship. I believe that sex is a byproduct of love and trust and I'm hoping that my erections will come back naturally from abstaining from P. P kills, not only your boners. It kills love, intimacy, self-respect, happiness, you name it.

Good luck on your journey. I'm rooting for you. We can do it!

 

[Jimmy James]

So I came home, boxed up my external hard drives and gave them to a friend for safe keeping,

You are off to a great start.  But I know that you know that this does not go far enough if there is still porn on those hard drives that you friend is keeping until you are triggered to PMO.  Maybe I misinterpreted this statement and you did delete all the porn before you gave them to your friend, but if you did not, go ahead and get rid of it forever.

 

[Rick18326]

Thanks guys : )

Jimmy- Right now there is porn on the hard drives...but they are somewhere in the friend's house and I can't get to them.  I think I will wipe them after 90 days....or have the friend do it.  I was a bit worried about wiping them before I was sure about being able to give up porn...so I played it safe.  My home PC is clean...took a while though, and I ended up putting a blocker on the PC to help me as well.  Looking at Grinder and Craigslist, hunting for the next trick, was a major trigger...in some ways an even more powerful trigger than the porn...the hunt really got the dope flowing in my brain...it got me all worked up and flying, and then I would switch over to the porn if I did not hook up to finish things off.  I still have cravings and I still get triggered... and the triggers surprise me.  I was watching a home improvement show the other day and had to walk away from the tv because a couple guys were doing pull ups on the screen...today I saw a DVD cover of a dude doing yoga that gave me a pretty good buzz...gonna try some sit ups and push ups...and maybe a cold shower to try and get him off my mind...actually the picture...not him.

Patrick- I agree with you that sex is not the end all and be all of a committed relationship, and that the emotions, love and trust are just as (if not more) important long term.  In my case I had become so fixated on my inability to perform that the worry stopped me from even trying...I just stopped...I stopped looking up, I withdrew, and I became convinced that I could not do it and healthy loving relationships were not an option for me...it got pretty bad.  But I am doing much better now and feeling more hopeful.  I can do the emotions and closeness and trust...and if I can "fix" the performance issue it may happen for me still...I have hope again.  Morning wood comes and goes, but night wood is happening a lot more and it is lasting more than a millisecond...and that's a big improvement. 

Honestly, my biggest frustration right now is wanting to date but knowing I should wait for 90 days to pass...I want to get back out there, but I really think I need to heal some more first.  I think if I get out there again too soon I am going to fall into old patterns or old thinking, and I don't want to do that.  What do you guys think?

So I'll keep the diet and the exercise up...and keep on doing sit ups and push ups : )

 

[marsturm]

Hey Rick, you're the man! I think you know exactly at this point in your journey what's good for you and what's not. So ask yourself and TRUST the (serene) answers, this will work, also in the long run.

I get triggered A LOT by everyday guys, pictures, ads, etc. It's good that you realised that this can be worse than porn, or at least just as bad, it's sneaky. It's the dope rush (I call it dopamine surfing). I've decided to do a hard 90 i.e. no dating or chasing after hook-ups or looking up lists or or or. After the 90 days I will date again in a non-sexualised way which means for me that I'll ask myself "Am I interested in this guy for a committed relationship or am I dopamine surfing? Is this guy interested in a committed relationship?"

I think it's great that you know you can do love and intimacy, and what I've heard from other guys here, and also Gabe, is that you can become super-hard again IF you abstain from PMO because your brain will re-wire to a nice REAL man. I think that's hyper-exciting in a good way. And that's how nature intended it to be. (Nature didn't know we would get high-speed internet one day lol.)

Just to inform you: In my opinion, raging boners should be left alone, I MO'd after 21 days and suffered from the chaser effect, i.e. social anxiety, shame, performance angst, wanting to PMO again and so on. So watch out. You might want to decide to cut out edging, MO, and PMO for at least 90 days. Some guys seem to do fine with MO without P thoughts.

Good luck on your journey, Rick. There's hope for all of us We can do it!

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother! Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I too am gay and am also a proud member of Reboot's 'pink army.' 

I think you've made an important breakthrough in understanding that Grindr/Craigslist hook ups are simply an extension of our porn/sex addictions. In my own experience, porn was no longer enough of a high so I started using Grindr. Like porn, I found the arousal of scrolling through Grindr profiles, sharing pictures, and sexting more satisfying than the actual sex/orgasm. Hook up applications were simply a more dangerous form of my porn addiction. So I think your resolve to do a hard 90-day reboot is a good one. When I reached the 3-week mark, I started to go through emotional withdrawal and eventually after about 45-60 days found a degree of inner peace. If you haven't already done so, I'd recommend reading Gary Wilson's book, 'Your Brain on Porn.' It helped me gain some emotional detachment through understanding the science of my addiction. When the physical cravings diminish, you may start getting more emotional. I'd then suggest reading, 'Breaking the Cycle' by George Collins. It's a bit popcorn psychology but it worked for me.

One thing you wrote was a bit of a red flag for me: "So I came home, boxed up my external hard drives and gave them to a friend for safe keeping..." If these drives still have your porn treasure on them, have your friend wipe them clean or destroy them. You can only beat this addiction by adopting a 'porn is not an option' mentality. Having tried and failed to quit many times before, swearing to never watch porn again is what finally worked for me. The alcoholic who hides a 'rainy day' bottle in the laundry room is destined to fail in my opinion. The same applies to your porn stash. That's just my opinion. 

No judging here my friend, just love/caring. Best of luck with your reboot and I look forward to following your journey. Life is so much better without meaningless porn/hook ups. They kill love and intimacy. Stay strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[Rick18326]

Feeling like a horned up eunuch today...ugh.

 

[jstock]

Welcome  rick.  You have made some big life changes. Congratulations. Isn't  porn a bit cheaper
All these problems, we've all had, and it mostly  comes down  to clicking,  and edging, looking for that perfect  video  that will make our life complete.  Guess what?  It's not out there. I've struggled  for 20 some years,  and I haven't  found it yet. Please get your friend or you, to destroy  that hard drive. I agree with lyon. As long as it exists,  you will think about it. Please don't think  I'm hating. I just want you to succeed. It's a tough  battle,  but we will always  be here for you . Porn is not an option, ever..
Burn the hard drive.

 

[jstock]

Isn't porn a bitch. Not isn't  porn cheaper. Sorry

 

[Rick18326]

Thanks guys : )

I fell of the wagon a bit...I did not FAP and I did not look at porn...but I did hook up last night.  It actually went well...much better than the last couple years...and physical response was good...not all the way there but I noticed improvement.  Still have a ways to go, but it makes me realize its worth the discomfort.  Back on the wagon I guess. 

I need to work on the tricking...trying to stop that as well.  The downside of it, and what came crashing down about ten minutes after it was all over, was that it meant nothing, and there was no emotional connection or feeling...it was just release.  And I want more than just release.

 

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. Don't get down on yourself as guilt/shame simply feed addiction. You wrote: "...it meant nothing, and there was no emotional connection or feeling...it was just release.  And I want more than just release." Sound familiar? This is how I felt after every PMO session. Perhaps I'm going out on a limb, but did you arrange this hookup via a screen or maybe even a hook-up app? If yes, your brain is f*cking with you to get a fix. I'm not trying to rub your nose in it, but rather urge you to learn from the experience. I'd suggest posting everything about what happened before the hook up and exactly how you felt afterwards. This isn't for me, nor other rebooters, it's so that you can come back to your post when you get a similar urge and resist it. No judging my friend, just caring. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ready2go]

It's pretty awesome that you tested the waters, found out what you don't want, so that you can continue to bring what you do want.  Good for you!  Thanks for letting us in on that; it is helpful to know how others handle or react to different situations.  There was an ad I ran before I knew of this site, and before I signed up, only a week ago!  And there was a response, and since it was not for a "hookup" per se, we all know what it was for.  So we met, he seemed nice enough, and never called or emailed the way he said he would.  So, I dodged a bullet there.  If by some miniscule chance he does contact me I'm committed to saying thanks, but no, thanks! 

 

[Dharmabum]

Sometimes there's nothing better in teaching us what we want than having something we realize we didn't' want.  Trick is to hold onto that memory and that lesson.

I guess it's no different than the drug addict who gets some lousy product, uses it, gets sick and then swears they just don't want to do this anymore.  A week later, are we out looking for better product, or are we sticking with our vow to just leave the risks behind? 

I hate to put it in that context, but it sorta serves as an analogy.

Forgive yourself, but remember how it felt to be unfulfilled?and know there's a whole lot more unfulfillment out there if you follow that road, but a lot of fulfillment available to you on the path you're starting here.

 

[Rick18326]

posting everything about what happened before the hook up and exactly how you felt afterwards.

I was sitting, watching tv, and feeling horny.  I don't remember if I was triggered by anything that day...I think I was just horny.  I was not bored or down or overwhelmed or anything else, which seem to be my usual triggers to FAP or hook up... I had just had a good conversation on the phone with my mother...but that went well too...we were trying to decide which would be more of a nuisance to have...I said breasts and she said balls.  So afterwords I used my tablet to hop on CL, post an ad, and then hopped off.  I did not look at any of the ads...so no dope rush...though thinking back I might have had a low grade tickle in my brain.  Then the guy responded, he came over, and we hooked up.  We just exchanged oral...I have not found receiving oral stimulating in years,  but I did last night...but the moment after I shot I was done...I just wanted him to go.  There was no intimacy, no caring...it wasn't even a shared experience.  I remember thinking "this is going to f*uck with my head"  ... it is a distraction from the long term goal if I let it be.  I agree that my brain is f*cking with me looking for a buzz...and it is the addiction thrashing about...I think my vigilance slipped.

What I am finding is that it seems to be easier for me to give up the porn than it is to give up the hook up sex...and I am trying to figure that out.  I miss the porn...but I miss the sex more...anybody have any ideas what that means?  I don't know where the FAPing fits in...maybe between the two?  I don't miss it as much as the sex...to be honest, other than the Os I don't really miss it at all....or at least not much.  The hardest part is keeping busy, and not sitting at the PC- which is a huge trigger.  But what is also interesting is that with K9 on the PC I am not using the internet a lot at home...a bit of research, e-mail, and bills...but I was using it mostly for porn before and now I don't.  Its interesting...

Sorry if I am rambling...you all are getting stream of conscience tonight.  Going forward I realize I need to remember what I want and what I don't want.  The other thing that keeps running through m brain is embrace the discomfort because its only short term...and I need to stay on the new path.

Thanks for listening and for the feedback guys.

 

[Phase2]

Welcome Rick. You are at the right place!

Why doesn't your K9 blocker block Craigslist? It should. All these things are porn: tubesites, craigslist, scruff, grindr, manhunt, tumblr, facebook cruising, etc. etc. Anything that gives you a dopamine boost because the potential for sex is there. I really do think you need to take some real time off from all of this stuff. Read books, cold showers, workout, paint, learn a language, etc--throw yourself at something else for awhile while you heal that brain. And hell yeah, get rid of all that porn on your friend's harddrive. Make a real commitment to never look at it again. There is no negotiation anymore. That's how you will find success.

Good luck buddy. Glad you are here. We need more gay men fighting their way out of this crappy porn trap. You are learning and you are well on your way!

 

[lyon03]

Thank you for sharing Rick. It takes a lot of courage to post openly and honestly on this forum. I too have been through the whole spectrum of sex addiction: porn; masturbation; and hook-ups. If there are any straight boys reading this thread, you can't imagine how easy it is for gay men to find fast/anonymous sex. With that salacious detail in mind, let me try to respond to your questions:

1. So afterwards I used my tablet to hop on CL, post an ad, and then hopped off.  I did not look at any of the ads...so no dope rush...though thinking back I might have had a low grade tickle in my brain.  Then the guy responded, he came over, and we hooked up. 

Ahhhh I've been here. You're rationalizing this my friend by making it sound quick...almost instantaneous. This is what addiction does. The pull of the addiction is so strong it bends reality. No need to dissect this but there were a number of steps that you'll learn to control/avoid. Clearly you logged in, wrote the ad, checked for responses, exchanged some messages with the guy, gave him your address, showered, opened the door, invited him in, pants down...I could go on. Before opening the door, you could have killed the urge if you wanted to. Sex-addiction is actually an addiction to arousal. Dopamine is the chemical released during the expectation of some reward - in this case orgasm. Your arousal started when you opened up CL. That was when your rush started and it's all the same addiction my friend. I'd suggest reading about it in 'Your Brain on Porn' by Gary Wilson. 

2. We just exchanged oral...I have not found receiving oral stimulating in years,  but I did last night...but the moment after I shot I was done...I just wanted him to go.  There was no intimacy, no caring...it wasn't even a shared experience.  I remember thinking "this is going to f*uck with my head"  ... it is a distraction from the long term goal if I let it be.  I agree that my brain is f*cking with me looking for a buzz...and it is the addiction thrashing about...I think my vigilance slipped.

I've been there brother. In fact, I think we've all been there. There is a chemical and neurological reason for this emptiness. We are addicted to dopamine's arousal, but the chemicals released following orgasm kill the dopamine. This essentially kills the high, leaving feelings of emptiness and often shame.

3. What I am finding is that it seems to be easier for me to give up the porn than it is to give up the hook up sex...and I am trying to figure that out.  I miss the porn...but I miss the sex more...anybody have any ideas what that means?  I don't know where the FAPing fits in...maybe between the two?  I don't miss it as much as the sex...to be honest, other than the Os I don't really miss it at all....or at least not much.  The hardest part is keeping busy, and not sitting at the PC- which is a huge trigger.  But what is also interesting is that with K9 on the PC I am not using the internet a lot at home...a bit of research, e-mail, and bills...but I was using it mostly for porn before and now I don't.  Its interesting...

Sex addiction is like alcoholism: no matter what you drink, you're just chasing the same high. If you read "Your Brain on Porn" you'll understand that your mind is just seeking new and novel ways to get its dopamine fix. If you're like me, porn magazines first got you off, then VHS video, then still internet images, then high-speed porn, and then more hardcore or deviant forms of pornography. As your brain got accustomed to all of these, it finally got its fix when you started using Grindr or CL for hookups. Your neural pathways associated a screen, scrolling, searching, texting etc with arousal. That's why the actual hookup is normally a disappointment.

So where do we go from here? This is what helped me:

1. Start with the end in mind: who do you want to be (post-reboot)?This is borrowed from a '7 Habits' book I recently read. If for example, your goal is to find love/intimacy, then you have to accept hookups don't equal love. Thus the hookups have to end. If you want to have a better career, control your urges, or any other similar goals, you'll then focus mainly on learning a degree of self-control over porn, masturbation etc.

2. Set your reboot goal.You have to make a clear decision what you plan to stop and for how long.

3. Learn everything you can. Read "Your Brain on Porn", then "Breaking the Cycle" and then any other books, articles, or resources that will help you gain the upper hand over your addiction. Knowledge is power.

4. Get a buddy/sponsor. Posting on this website wasn't enough or me. I needed someone to call when I felt the urge coming. You now know that horny/itchy feeling that results in a hookup. Having someone to call to talk through it when the urge comes back will also help you control your impulses.

I hope you don't feel I'm being sanctimonious or judgemental while writing this. I'm simply writing from the standpoint of someone who has been through a similar experience. I have tapped pretty much every gay man within a 40-mile radius, and their brothers. Other than a quick release and, occasionally, some laughs, I'm not getting any Xmas cards from these guys. I thought my life was meaningless, so I had meaningless sexual relationships. What I truly wanted is what I have now: love, intimacy, and a life without this shameful PMO habit.

You are not alone my friend. Keep posting, keep fighting, and stay strong. PORN/HOOKUPS ARE NOT AN OPTION.   




 

 

[Rick18326]

Thanks Lyon.  I rationalized behavior...  You are right...every step was a pursuit of a dope fix.  It all makes sense.  Thank you for your candor and honesty...please keep on me.

I talked with my best friend about it...I had already filled him in on the no PMO thing and why I was doing it...he says I am being too hard on myself and need to cut myself a break.  He does not realize how often I have tricked though..."now if it was something you were doing every two weeks or so"...he does not know I was doing it two to three times a week.  I guess at some point we will have that conversation...I'm guessing he would be ok with it...we just have not had that talk yet.  Talking to him did help though...I'm way too hard on myself, and the important part is to get up, dust off, and keep going.  In the end I need to focus on what I want, which is an intimate, fulfilling relationship. 

So back on the horse.  I am going to  look at blocking software for my tablet that will block access to CL.  I don't want to load K9 on it because I don't want to lose search capability...porn is not an issue on the tablet, CL is.  Anybody have ideas on a blocking software that will allow me to block specific sites?  Also working on dieting, working out, and projects around the house...  Lost over 10 pounds to date, and other than the basement the house is spotless...always wanted to panel the dining room with wainscoting...that ought to keep me busy at night.

An accountability partner might be good...need to think about that a bit.

 

[Phase2]

K9 allows you to modify the degree of blocking capability, but most important, it allows you to name certain sites so that they are blocked. I have blocked craigslist and tumblr specifically: they are both time sucks that eventually lead you to a full on porn meltdown. Try K9. Take the bull by the horns, buddy.

 

[Rick18326]

Been a tough week.  Went into a major dive early in the week...way too hard on myself...ruthlessly hard.  Ripped myself apart pretty good about slipping.  Spent most of the week coming back from that...finally feeling better.  Learning lots of things about myself.  I want and crave intimacy but yearn for hooking up...I need to get to the bottom of what is going on there.  The two don't go together....  Hooking up is not intimacy...its just a poor substitute.  My brain gets it...I have lots of experiences that support that conclusion...I wish my hormones and dick would get it as well.  Not missing the porn at all...which is kind of weird...or the fapping.  Don't think I am flat lining ...libido seems pretty constant.  Erections are getting much better...have morning wood about 50% of the time, and get it a lot at night...also the occasional stir during the day.  Lose wood the minute I stand up or roll over though, but I think that will improve with time.  No wet dreams...only ever had one my entire life though, so not really expecting one I guess.  One good thing from slipping and tricking is that I know with 100% certainty that the no porn no fapping is working for me...I was incapable of any response to oral before I stopped, and I had a totally engaged response last weekend.  In fact I was amazed at how big and hard it got...pretty happy with my junk : )  For me the fight is the hooking up...ugh.  Blocked Craigslist on my tablet, and don't have the password to get to it...its been blocked on the pc.  Been exercising quite a bit...doing planks and push ups...learned how to pop my pecs the other night while brushing my teeth.  Losing weight and gaining muscle, also improving diet.  Trying to keep a sense of humor about the whole experience.

I think part of my inner angst is that I want to start dating...but I need to wait the 90 to start...stuck in a waiting period for the moment.  I am also stumped on where I am going to find the guys to date.  I realized the other day that my main issue so far has usually been timing.  When I have met a guy and been into him and wanted to pursue a relationship it has always been they were not ready, were not willing, were not ready to pursue a relationship...they just wanted the hook up.  That's the stage in life that they were at, and I respect that.  But what I also realized is that I need to look for guys in different places, because the places I have been looking in are places where guys with timing issues are hanging out...I need a new place to find guys.  Just don't know where that is. 

Anyway...keeping busy.


 

 

[marsturm]

Hey Rick, Thanks for sharing. I think it would be awesome if we could find new ways of meeting guys we can rewire with. I'm at a loss as well as to where the cuties that want intimacy and a monogamous relationship can be found. Any thoughts?

We have a platform here in Germany called "gay parship" where you're matched up with guys that want to be in a relationship and everybody pays to be on this site. (I think that's fair because then all the people who couldn't be bothered will stay away.) I guess there's nothing like that in the US? The problem is that if you go to the usual hook-up sites, it's all about sex. Some people say that they found love in a hook-up, and I don't want to go there (hooking up ). It would trigger my obsessions and lead to PMO.

Do any of you guys have some ideas where to find rewiring partners without having to go to sex sites to meet someone? Maybe it boils down to trusting, using your common sense, and getting out there in a safe way to meet new people. A good question to ask is "If I wanted to be found by a gay man that wants to rewire, where would I go so that he knows I'm there and could meet me?"

Rick, keep on keeping up the good work and please be kind to yourself. You're on the right track and we can do it! Everybody stay strong today.