CyrusG
Member
Hello everyone,
I am new to this Forum and am looking forward to recovery. Just a little about myself, I am 42 yrs old, father of 2 and divorced. Forwarding to present day, It has become evident that there is not doubt in my head that I have an addiction to Porn and as a result suffer the consequences on all different levels. As just about any young boy, I was introduced to porn around the age of 14-15 yr s old. The first time I masturbated was quite a out of body experience and did not know what the hell was going on. All I knew was that it felt good. In the beginning it started out with only Playboy and Hustler magazines. Gradually over the years the the use of porn was slowly increased. I was able to physically enjoy sex during my teenage years to my recollection without the interference of Porn. I did not have to many partners even as a teen/adult but was able to get easily exited naturally from females. I married my first wife around the age of 22 and as memory has it, did not also have to much of an issue with performance for the most part. I did have some unhealthy habits; smoking, drinking etc but that was also a gradual process. Even to this day I am a smoker that am regretting the day I ever started. I can contribute some of the physical issues with ED to those unhealthy habits but I know and am convinced that a majority of it is mental.
Moving on with my story, I joined the military when I was 22 and spent the better part of 12 years active duty being away from family and friends so in that absence was the opportunity to have porn back in my life. I would masturbate quite frequently and most times daily. If the opportunity was there I would do it several times a day. Guess as a man, I always attributed my performance issues to other things instead of what was really the cause even though I came across articles hear and there. I married my second wife in my early 30's and by that time porn was a pretty good friend still. And again, I was not able to admit that this was the dagger. I started having performance issues with my wife then and would start making excuses of why I could not perform. I would notice that I could get excited initially but very shortly afterwards, I would become basically numb to the pleasure mentally and physically.
Wanting to hide my would be addiction I would take counter measures so I could at least attempt to please my wife. I would get prescriptions for Viagra or whatever was out there and hide them. I would have to sort of estimate when my wife was in the mood and take a pill if I thought we were going to have sex. As you can see this presented duel problems. Obviously my confidence was shot and I had to keep up with this facade as long as I could. I was not ready to face the reality that it was me. I did spend a lot of time with past lovers and my wifes' explaining that my performance issue was not because of them. You see it is not only we men that suffer but the people that we love as well.
Well my divorce to my last wife was not 100% as a result but It did contribute to other issues in the 12 years of marriage. Infidelity was one of those on both our parts. As a result of porn, I am confident that if you can't satisfy your wife, lover, or whomever, they will find other means to be satisfied. I am now convinced that the symptoms of PED is as a result of years of abuse. Not only does porn effect the mind but after years of abuse to your penis there is physical damage that can accumulate over a period of time. I do know now from experience that with continued use, you will never be satisfied with the level of porn you are currently at. You will look for that higher high and sometimes may even question your own moral being. Like I can't believe I'm even looking at this. You will get to the point where you will try and satisfy your desire whenever and wherever you can like the bathroom at work or driving down the road or when everyone is asleep in your home. Yes for me, it got to that point! I was the guy in the bathroom at work looking at porn on my iphone and even then I was not willing to face my demons.
Porn had controlled a better part of my life. Hell prior to joining this forum I masturbated this morning with porn. I'm currently seeing a woman over the past year on and off and that dam monkey (porn) is still on my back. I've come to a head (no pun intended) with porn and am willing to go through the trenches to rid myself of the man I should be and take back my life. I recently found evidence of my 14 year old son with porn on his phone and computer and at some point will need to have that conversation. I think to myself, son if you only knew what you are getting into you would stop right there. I know this conversation had better start sooner than later.
So in closing I'm sorry this intro is long but I feel better putting my story out there and I look forward to the support from men and or woman who also recovering. And to Gabe, I applaud your courage for opening yourself to everyone as well. It takes a lot of courage for anyone to admit they have an addiction and even more courage to deal with it. I don't know if I can admit to my loved ones (family) that I have this issue but I can at least admit to myself I do and that I'm now ready to face the road ahead. Thank you all for your time and look forward to the road to recovery.
I am new to this Forum and am looking forward to recovery. Just a little about myself, I am 42 yrs old, father of 2 and divorced. Forwarding to present day, It has become evident that there is not doubt in my head that I have an addiction to Porn and as a result suffer the consequences on all different levels. As just about any young boy, I was introduced to porn around the age of 14-15 yr s old. The first time I masturbated was quite a out of body experience and did not know what the hell was going on. All I knew was that it felt good. In the beginning it started out with only Playboy and Hustler magazines. Gradually over the years the the use of porn was slowly increased. I was able to physically enjoy sex during my teenage years to my recollection without the interference of Porn. I did not have to many partners even as a teen/adult but was able to get easily exited naturally from females. I married my first wife around the age of 22 and as memory has it, did not also have to much of an issue with performance for the most part. I did have some unhealthy habits; smoking, drinking etc but that was also a gradual process. Even to this day I am a smoker that am regretting the day I ever started. I can contribute some of the physical issues with ED to those unhealthy habits but I know and am convinced that a majority of it is mental.
Moving on with my story, I joined the military when I was 22 and spent the better part of 12 years active duty being away from family and friends so in that absence was the opportunity to have porn back in my life. I would masturbate quite frequently and most times daily. If the opportunity was there I would do it several times a day. Guess as a man, I always attributed my performance issues to other things instead of what was really the cause even though I came across articles hear and there. I married my second wife in my early 30's and by that time porn was a pretty good friend still. And again, I was not able to admit that this was the dagger. I started having performance issues with my wife then and would start making excuses of why I could not perform. I would notice that I could get excited initially but very shortly afterwards, I would become basically numb to the pleasure mentally and physically.
Wanting to hide my would be addiction I would take counter measures so I could at least attempt to please my wife. I would get prescriptions for Viagra or whatever was out there and hide them. I would have to sort of estimate when my wife was in the mood and take a pill if I thought we were going to have sex. As you can see this presented duel problems. Obviously my confidence was shot and I had to keep up with this facade as long as I could. I was not ready to face the reality that it was me. I did spend a lot of time with past lovers and my wifes' explaining that my performance issue was not because of them. You see it is not only we men that suffer but the people that we love as well.
Well my divorce to my last wife was not 100% as a result but It did contribute to other issues in the 12 years of marriage. Infidelity was one of those on both our parts. As a result of porn, I am confident that if you can't satisfy your wife, lover, or whomever, they will find other means to be satisfied. I am now convinced that the symptoms of PED is as a result of years of abuse. Not only does porn effect the mind but after years of abuse to your penis there is physical damage that can accumulate over a period of time. I do know now from experience that with continued use, you will never be satisfied with the level of porn you are currently at. You will look for that higher high and sometimes may even question your own moral being. Like I can't believe I'm even looking at this. You will get to the point where you will try and satisfy your desire whenever and wherever you can like the bathroom at work or driving down the road or when everyone is asleep in your home. Yes for me, it got to that point! I was the guy in the bathroom at work looking at porn on my iphone and even then I was not willing to face my demons.
Porn had controlled a better part of my life. Hell prior to joining this forum I masturbated this morning with porn. I'm currently seeing a woman over the past year on and off and that dam monkey (porn) is still on my back. I've come to a head (no pun intended) with porn and am willing to go through the trenches to rid myself of the man I should be and take back my life. I recently found evidence of my 14 year old son with porn on his phone and computer and at some point will need to have that conversation. I think to myself, son if you only knew what you are getting into you would stop right there. I know this conversation had better start sooner than later.
So in closing I'm sorry this intro is long but I feel better putting my story out there and I look forward to the support from men and or woman who also recovering. And to Gabe, I applaud your courage for opening yourself to everyone as well. It takes a lot of courage for anyone to admit they have an addiction and even more courage to deal with it. I don't know if I can admit to my loved ones (family) that I have this issue but I can at least admit to myself I do and that I'm now ready to face the road ahead. Thank you all for your time and look forward to the road to recovery.
