Hi guys, I'm D and I masturbated in a chatroom less than an hour ago.
I have joined this forum because I need to admit I have a problem. I have been battling hard for nearly 3 years to give porn up, to stop going to chatrooms, to stop trying to sext on mobile phone apps. My confidence is sinking, I feel constantly disgusted with myself and I feel more and more out of control.
Even as a child I remember a camp striptease on a TV show and feeling this urge from the pit of my stomach that I wanted the woman to take all of her clothes off. When I was about 7 or 8 I used to stare at the page 3 girls in the tabloid newspapers. It wasn't merely curiosity because I remember that same yearning feeling from my stomach. I began to have sexual fantasies lying in bed also around the same age. Age 12 I had my first contact with playboy magazine and other softcore pornography.
I was 18 and already in a sexual relationship before I bought my first hustler magazine. I bought it in the city, went to a park and opened it. After a couple of minutes I had to go to the toilets of a nearby department store and masturbate. Nothing struck me as abnormal about this behaviour.
The internet came along in my early 20s. I was working in an office and I used to look up porn sites as it was a small office with no IT monitoring. I didn't have the internet at home so I used to buy magazines. One month I used my mobile phone (the first colour display phones had just arrived on the market) and ended up being charged 300 euro for one or two wanks.
Once I had internet at home it really set me off on a downward spiral. I visited all the usual video sites, at first i had some level of control.
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful human being I have ever met. it has been going for nearly 6 years and I have grown so much as a person. She is my best friend. she is beautiful and she is intelligent. A few years ago she had to move away for work. A long way away. That was when I discovered chatroulette and chatrooms. From the first moment they had their hooks in me.
I can be fairly obsessive when I lose things, and I hate going out the door knowing I cant find something, so I look and look and get later and later totally focused on finding whatever it is I'm looking for. When I am on a chatroulette or a chatroom I am looking for the right kind of gratifying sexual encounter. My uni work has suffered: sometimes these "searches" would last for days. I wouldn't sleep and I would miss school. 80% percent of the time it was futile anyway and I would end up just ejaculating to something else (like a video) just to get on with my life. As soon as I cum the reality licks in and I am disgusted by my own behaviour and the battle begins. Sometimes I last for weeks. But then something triggers me: a hot girl in a summer dress, a safe for work but attractive picture on facebook....and off I go again.
This has been my recurring behaviour for the last 4 years. my girlfriend is back, which provides welcome relief. But if she goes away for a meeting or whatever, it's lurking there waiting for me. And I feel like shit. I feel like I am betraying the love of my life by having sexual encounters with other people (which I am - addiction or not), I feel helpless and desperate because I feel like I cannot control my own behaviour. And I have ceased to trust my ability to do or not do what I set out to do. And the thing is, I don't even want to be doing it, it's almost as if it finds me.
This has to stop. I need your help. I'm sorry if this is a messy read but I don't want to read back over because I may not post it, so I'm just going to hit post.
Thanks,
D
I have joined this forum because I need to admit I have a problem. I have been battling hard for nearly 3 years to give porn up, to stop going to chatrooms, to stop trying to sext on mobile phone apps. My confidence is sinking, I feel constantly disgusted with myself and I feel more and more out of control.
Even as a child I remember a camp striptease on a TV show and feeling this urge from the pit of my stomach that I wanted the woman to take all of her clothes off. When I was about 7 or 8 I used to stare at the page 3 girls in the tabloid newspapers. It wasn't merely curiosity because I remember that same yearning feeling from my stomach. I began to have sexual fantasies lying in bed also around the same age. Age 12 I had my first contact with playboy magazine and other softcore pornography.
I was 18 and already in a sexual relationship before I bought my first hustler magazine. I bought it in the city, went to a park and opened it. After a couple of minutes I had to go to the toilets of a nearby department store and masturbate. Nothing struck me as abnormal about this behaviour.
The internet came along in my early 20s. I was working in an office and I used to look up porn sites as it was a small office with no IT monitoring. I didn't have the internet at home so I used to buy magazines. One month I used my mobile phone (the first colour display phones had just arrived on the market) and ended up being charged 300 euro for one or two wanks.
Once I had internet at home it really set me off on a downward spiral. I visited all the usual video sites, at first i had some level of control.
I am in a relationship with the most wonderful human being I have ever met. it has been going for nearly 6 years and I have grown so much as a person. She is my best friend. she is beautiful and she is intelligent. A few years ago she had to move away for work. A long way away. That was when I discovered chatroulette and chatrooms. From the first moment they had their hooks in me.
I can be fairly obsessive when I lose things, and I hate going out the door knowing I cant find something, so I look and look and get later and later totally focused on finding whatever it is I'm looking for. When I am on a chatroulette or a chatroom I am looking for the right kind of gratifying sexual encounter. My uni work has suffered: sometimes these "searches" would last for days. I wouldn't sleep and I would miss school. 80% percent of the time it was futile anyway and I would end up just ejaculating to something else (like a video) just to get on with my life. As soon as I cum the reality licks in and I am disgusted by my own behaviour and the battle begins. Sometimes I last for weeks. But then something triggers me: a hot girl in a summer dress, a safe for work but attractive picture on facebook....and off I go again.
This has been my recurring behaviour for the last 4 years. my girlfriend is back, which provides welcome relief. But if she goes away for a meeting or whatever, it's lurking there waiting for me. And I feel like shit. I feel like I am betraying the love of my life by having sexual encounters with other people (which I am - addiction or not), I feel helpless and desperate because I feel like I cannot control my own behaviour. And I have ceased to trust my ability to do or not do what I set out to do. And the thing is, I don't even want to be doing it, it's almost as if it finds me.
This has to stop. I need your help. I'm sorry if this is a messy read but I don't want to read back over because I may not post it, so I'm just going to hit post.
Thanks,
D
