Escalating use/material the more try to stop the worse it gets!

[Ap26]

So I am starting again, need to be accountable. For the past while I have just been resetting my counter but not posting. So I am going to start completely again...

I am 27 years old and have been addicted to porn since about 13 - the only thing that really stopped it was drink and drugs. I am now clean and sober and now porn is the issue again.

My use seems to have escalated the more I try to stop, each relapse getting worse. The material I am using really disturbs me. I just discovered the dark web and there really is no end to how low you can go with that. My head actually hurts.

I have that familiar feeling of guilt and Shame. Embarrassment and isolation. Just really not liking myself. As a result I am snapping at people and irritable. I can't concentate on anything really. Just spent about 50% of my day at work on the darkweb and the rest is the time struggling to concentrate on work at all.

I need to be accountable - I am going to call a friend and get honest with him but I also wanted to be honest in this forum. Break the anonymity of porn. I really need some help with this, I want to be me again! I am also scared that this stuff will lead my back to drugs and I really don't think I can do all that again, I might not find my way back.

So anyway that's it, I think this is my third journal and I pray it will be my last. God and my friends in a 12 step fellowship helped me back to reality from drugs and now I need God and fellow porn addicts to help me back to reality from this.

Thanks for reading this, I wish you all well on your journey

 

[Ap26]

Day 1 - just writing in here to get in the habit of daily entry. I am usually ok the first day, but start struggling a few more days down the line. All good this morning though. Have various actions planned for today, speaking to another guy about this. Reading SAA literature online. And getting some work done!!

 

[Ap26]

Ok so that was a false start. I remember I had some p left on my laptop went to delete it and gave in instantly to the thought - ah well I'll start tomorrow. It is now deleted and I feel shit. Chalk that one up to experience.

 

[Kircholm]

It wasn't false start, it's just cleaning space around you It would be much worse if you found this stuff in next few days, when it would be hard and when the fall would make you feel more guilty. One day after 14 years of addiction it's not really a difference, the most important is your will of fight and you've got it.

I will pray for you, man. Take a deep breath, look around and keep moving.

 

[Ap26]

Hey Kircholm, thanks mate I appreciate the prayers that really means a lot. I keep asking for freedom from this and as long as i pray for it i seem to get it. It really not that God abandons me but the other way round. Prayer is the last thing on my mind once I have "decided" to look at this stuff again. I have done some prayer a meditation this morning and feel free for now I just need to keep close to God and stay posting on here honestly

But you are right about looking at this in a more positive way - at least i found it on the first day and not after a week or two.

Thanks again! 

 

[Ap26]

So three days in seems a lot longer than that to be fair! Have managed to get through the weekend alright, which has been helped by the fact that I havent really been on my own.

I am a bit fearful as I don't really feel myself. I was thinking about it and realized i place far too much importance on sex in general. So i have based a lot of self esteem on how I am in bed with my girlfriend - anyway my head has then started to tell me, that without porn i will be worse in bed. Whilst i write this I know that is crazy but a head that wants to look at porn and the feeling of flatline combines to be convincing when I am on my own. Anyway I have stayed away from it!

So a day at a time i plan to keep it that way!

 

[Kircholm]

Good job, man

What you said about thoughts that you would be worse in bed doesn't sound crazy to me - addiction is connected with our real needs and it's a false answer to our fears. You have to recognize what aspects of your life used to be compensated by porn and you need to "feed them" in healthy way. Focus on your relationship with girlfriend, the partnership is much deeper and has a lot more important aspects than sex (which is important also, of course ).

 

[Ap26]

Ah mate thanks. I just relapsed, and really don't feel like posting but i think I should. I stopped posting for a few days kinda thought it was fine but still had that nagging fear and then today - like clockwork - i gave in to that idea that this was something i wanted to do.
I made it to six days which i know is pretty poor but i gotta focus on that as a good thing - I'm going to a least make it to 8 days this time. My counter says thirty but i still have yet to reach that in almost a year of trying.
I realised just now that whilst there is all this shame and guilt and verging on suicidal feeling - they are comfortable! Which sounds crazy but I feel like I have gotten used to feeling shit about myself and porn is a really good way to do that. So feeling positive and not deviant, if you know what i mean, like i have something to hide - when i don't feel that I feel uncomfortable and fearful. I start doubting myself - and maybe I shouldn't be posting this here but anyway i am going to ask my girlfriend to marry me in a few weeks. That should be an amazing thing but when i stopped looking at porn I started doubting that decision as well. I dunno what all that is about.
Anyway I need to go to bed tomorrow is another day.
Thanks for the support. Sorry to fuck it up again.

 

[Kircholm]

Dostoyevski said, that people are the only kind of creatures on this world who can accustom to everything

I can't say if marrying your girlfriend is good or bad idea in your state, but I'm pretty sure that addiction is connected with these parts of ourselves which don't want changes in life. It's habit and even it's a destructive habit, it's getting stronger with time. Porn has been a part of your life for years, so it's obvious to me that everything connected with - emotions too - make you comfortable. People fear of changes. You have to break it and - that's wonderful in fact - you have already started to break it Fight will be your new habit and feelings will make you comfortable simillar to shame and guilt you feel right now. Every day you learn yourself to be a free man. Keep writing here and don't give up.

 

[Chaos Mind]

To be honest: your counter looks alarming! I'd not call it "several relapses", but constant failure at your plans. I don't say this to offend you, brother, but I think you need someone to speak the truth: something in your reboot is incredibly wrong.

I don't know what you do after a relapse. Shame and embarrassment are a natural reaction, but you also need to take this anger and turn it into something positive. It's a well known phenomenon that recovery becomes more difficult with each relapse. Your case is severe and you know that.

So how to continue. Fact is: you need to change something. Words are not enough and your current approach apparently does not seem to help you. So get rid of your tactics and go back to zero.

Let's start with this. You said you need to speak honestly, so here's your chance. Answer these questions to you and us:

1. What happens right before you relapse? What are your thoughts? Are there doubts and if so, how do they win over your plans?
2. Which situations trigger your need for porn? Live through the last few times you PMO'ed once again and this time also consider the little and seemingly unimportant details (did someone say something to you? Were you watching TV, reading a book? Were you excited or frustrated? ...)
3. Tell us about your favorite hobby. What is it that draws your attention as strong as porn did?

And one last thought here: the whole counter thing might be a problem. You said you made 6 days and felt good about it. I don't know how to express it so you won't be offended but...as long as you consider 6 days a great thing, you might fail again and again after a week. Maybe your goals need to be more ambitious and you need to be stricter to yourself. Look, everyone here is different. Some people feel happiness for 6 days without PMO and I know they will continue. But in your case excitement seems to collapse into binge. It might be a false remote diagnosis, but it COULD be the one thing that finally helps you.

I am sure you can do this. You just need to find the error in your tactics. The weak spot in your system. And you need to fight really hard. Time is running up and it doesn't get easier. Zero tolerance for relapses anymore, promise me you'll fight for good this time!

I wish you the best of luck my friend!

 

[Ap26]

Thanks for replying to the post guys! Have take some action since last posting on here.

Chaos mind - thanks for your honesty and you are right. I realised my problem has been that whilst I want to quit and I can see the harm that it is doing to my life, i haven't really made a decision to do whatever it takes to stop. So basically as soon as i feel uncomfortable I just go back to it. Basically I am not fighting.

So looking at the questions you asked there:

1. Right before relapse I will have some thought that it would be good to look at P. Think about it for 5 minutes, not usually fight it and go - well ill jst start again tomorrow. Or i think i can look at something that isn't porn but is  clearly going to lead there. As soon as I start I am off. There is no real fight, as soon as it get difficult i stop fighting.
2. I find it hard to pin point exactly what emotions trigger this off though. Stress at work contributes, also boredom at home. But boredom is a wide spectrum and i think it is probably more rooted in loneliness.
3. Hobby wise - i spend 5 days a week in the gym and any other free evening I spend at AA or with sponsees taking them through the 12 steps. I also have a four year old son -

 

[Chaos Mind]

Hey Ap26,

next big step: you formulated your problem - and you accepted my criticism!

So, off we go to the next level. As for your questions:

Don't believe I don't know how this all feels like. When your mind wants something it is an expert on justifying and rationalizing. It's only afterwards that you remember all the disadvantages you successfully suppressed. It used to be the same for me and porn and it's still that way when it comes to dieting: a coke won't kill me. I worked out today, so basically I could even add some ice cream. Had a hard time at work, so I deserve that, right? Tomorrow it's going to be easier, I'm gonna have a new attempt then. Oh snap, the party...ok, then it's the day after tomorrow. Or next week?

Yes, this thinking is crap. And it's mostly due to dopamine. This mechanism guaranteed the survival of the human species for years. "Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's internet porn" - that's the slogan of "Your Brain On Porn" and it's true. But that doesn't meen we don't have a chance. More than ever in our lives we need to show that man is a flexible and resilient species!

So it starts with "just looking". Sometimes porn, sometimes only semi racy things. The good thing is that deep inside you know your dangers. You know very well that once you enter your favorite porn site, you will never be able to escape. Never. And when you search Google for pictures of a hot celeb you know why you are doing this. It's a cheap substitute and it will lead down the sensitized pathway. Have you read the main article on Your Brain On Porn? It explains very well how all this works in our brains and it might help you understand why you behave the way you do.

For your second and third answer: if you say you have a 4yo son but still you suffer from boredom I take it you are separated from his Mom, aren't you? I don't have kids, but I can't imagine time gets boring with a 4yo at home. So it's a very clever conclusion that boredom in your case is more an expression of loneliness.

You want the girls who don't say no. Those who don't judge you and don't pity you. Those who are just there for you when you need them. But believing in such women is worthless. It's a fallacy. They are not real - they are actresses...trained to seduce you. You and me, we lost track of reality and forget what this was all about. We are far beyond mere pleasure - we exploit! And whilst trying to approach this world of beauty and perfection we start chasing our own tail, running in circles.

Porn is not real. When the camera goes out, the actresses are handed a cloth to clean themselves. They claim that you are the only one who gets to explore her treasures, but you are watching the video together with millions of other users. Of course it's fun. Of course it makes you feel good. But just like any other drug reality chases you and always catches up with you in the end. Women are not that way. They are complex. They are full of secrets. Lust and pleasure are among them, but also claws, fights and fury...as well as love and devotion to their beloved partner. Love means giving and receiving. Porn means taking all but keeping nothing (apart from PIED, foggy brain, loss of motivation and a dash of depression or social anxiety). Just want you to get the difference.

Why are you lonely? Is it because you don't want to find the special someone, or do you try but fail?

It looks like you already have a lot of stuff to do. It's great that you are so engaged at AA and provide help to those who need it.

Next step I suggest to you:
write down a list of arguments why it's worth fighting. What's your benefit from porn? And what is to be noted on the flipside?

I think one reason for your constant failure (or your lack of willpower to fight from the bottom of your heart respectively) is the remoteness of the consequences you have to face. If you do drugs you get a hangover. If you eat too much you feel sick. But the negative outcome of your porn consumption does not have an immediate effect - that makes it harder for you to resist. You can only solve this by becoming more strict to yourself. Learn to stick to rules. Carve them in stone and stay as hard as a rock. Your mind will reject that. It will find ways to bypass it, so block all the side roads. If you find yourself looking at hot girls (even if it's got nothing to do with porn), let the alarm bell ring in your head as loud as you can. Become your own police officer.

My friend, you will be running for the 30-days mark. No excuses. No failure. You will be able to stop yourself by whatever it takes this time, do you hear me?

 

[Chaos Mind]

This is for you. Take it as a final push of motivation...

 

[Ap26]

Thanks again - it's really true that I had to take a step back and look at the consequences. Like you said they are not as obvious as drugs, but they are still there and they are essebtualky removing me from reality and therefore removing me from what is good and happy in my life.
So I also looked at what action I have taken. I have gotten rid of my laptop - not necessarily permenantly but for now I don't need it.
I am away on holiday now until the end of the month. I have been in touch with a few people from SAA, and picked up my first chip.
I felt pretty anxious at the start of this, which I didn't really feel before until about a week in. I think that was because this time I realise this is it. Whatever it takes I am getting to thirty days. At least.
And now already, only 5 days in, I feel free. I have been ha I great sex with girlfriend - it has felt amazing and it hasn't been really dirty or kinky.
Anyways it's early days but I sm feeling positive!

Thanks again mate!