Tom's journal

[beren]

Hi everyone. My name is Tom; I'm 30 years old and I've had a pretty major problem with P since I was 14 or so.

I had a pretty sheltered childhood. I was home-schooled up until the tenth grade, when I was entered into public school. At the time that meant that I skipped pretty much all of the SexEd stuff, and my parents were not the sort to tell me about it. Being a teenage boy I obviously had a lot of curiosity, and it didn't take very long for me to hear (from all the other teenage boys) about stuff that was available on the internet. It didn't take long for me to get pulled in. After a while I got caught and grounded, but all that did was force me to learn how to not get caught again.

Reading about how this addiction works, it makes total sense to me. The endless search for novelty, the desensitization, the painful struggle of hypofrontality - for years now I've thought that I lacked sufficient willpower to tear myself away, but it's clear that I didn't leave myself much room. P was a constant, daily presence and the only sexual experience I had for the entirety of my teenage life; I suspect those pathways are burned in pretty deep. I can't even tell you how much this addiction has messed with my brain, because it's been present for my entire adult life - has it contributed to my seemingly high levels of stress? Has it given me some form of ED? Has it hurt my ability to have a healthy relationship with women? I don't know, because I don't really have a "normal" version of me to compare. I do know that the compulsion is strong; it's eating up hours of my time a day, and the endless quest for novelty has led me to some reprehensible subjects.

Fast-forward to now - I'm married, and we just had our first child a few months ago. I need to pull myself out of this rut for them as much as I need to do it for myself. My sex life with my wife has never been what I would call great, and while I can sometimes point to specific instances where my addiction has impacted it (it's hard to get excited about your wife, physically, when you've already M'd 4 times that day), I also can't help but wonder in what ways it might get better if I can distance myself from P dramatically. I've also recently hit the point where I feel like I'm starting to fall towards SOCD, which isn't good. And for my son... I just want him to have a dad who isn't wrestling with this particular demon. I want to be able to focus on what's going on with him instead of trying to figure out in the back of my brain when I can sneak away for my next fix.

So anyway, that's me. I've tried quitting several times before and it's never really stuck. I've tried blocking software, but I work in tech and I always figure out a way around it. I've tried just going cold turkey and willing it to work, but then hypofrontality strikes and I relapse in a bad way. I've even tried leaning on my wife to help me get through it, but the personal guilt I feel makes it really difficult for me to be honest with her when my efforts fail. My hope is that, this time, I can use this community to hold myself accountable and make it actually happen.

My personal best to date has been 10 days. I'm on day 3 of my current attempt, and right now I just want to make it to day 11. I work from home, so I'm alone in my office a lot during the week - my hope right now is that I can channel the urges into doing a little bit of reading, or maybe play a game for a bit (although I want to be careful about replacing P with games, since that's not exactly healthy either). I'll try to document here as time goes on.

 

[ortegaso]

Hi Tom,

You are clear in your intention about being a great dad for your kid and you are willingness to change into a better human being. That marvelous and it will serve you a great inspiration to be free from P.
.
All the best!!

 

[Will500]

Welcome to the forum, Tom and very best wishes to you.  Was  just wondering, do you have any ideas what strategies you might use to help you?  I find distracting myself with something else when I have a sexual idea, writing on this forum regularly, exercise and meditation are all very helpful, and am exploring using guided visualisation and self-hypnosis.  I think everyone finds their own ways - but it's probably worth thinking about things you can do every day or week that would help; and also things you can use when the urges are really strong and you are struggling with them.

Lots of people have broken this addiction.  I'm sure you and I can do it too!

All the best,

Will.

 

[beren]

Thanks for the kind words, guys!

it's probably worth thinking about things you can do every day or week that would help; and also things you can use when the urges are really strong and you are struggling with them.

The idea that I'm going to try right now is to keep several quick-but-distracting things handy. For me, I think it's better to do something that really requires a lot of thought to be maximally distracting, and I want to try to pick things that are going to be productive, as well... so right off-hand I'm going to try some of the following:

• do some writing - I recently heard about a site called Writer Kata that prompts you with exercises to help improve your creative writing. Seems fun, quick, and is right there in the browser so it's an easy distraction to escape into.
• do some reading - I have tons of online articles queued up for reading, and a backlog of books. If I focus on trying to improve my reading speed this becomes a very high-concentration activity.
• play something - maybe some speed chess, or a digital crossword (again, quick and easy to jump into online) or some other video game. Something tactical and really segmented, so that I can distract myself without losing hours doing some pointless clicking (I love you, Diablo III, but you're not going to help me here )).

We'll see how that turns out. Generally we've been trying to exercise more and I'm trying to spend some time each morning essentially meditating, so I'm hoping those will help bolster my fortitude as well. Guided visualization has never really worked well for me (I don't think I have the right personality for it) and hypnosis... well... let's say that's an area of interest for me, if you know what I mean, so I'd probably better stay away from it . I know some folks who have found both of those tools to be really powerful and transformative for them, though, so here's hoping they work out that way for you Will.

Fortunately (hah) today I have a hefty cold, so I don't really feel like doing much of anything. Makes abstaining really easy, but I want to be over it soon

 

[Will500]

Sounds like a plan!  Hope your cold clears up soon.

Keep on keepin' on,

and best wishes,

Will.

 

[beren]

Day four. Taking a sick day (cold is really kicking my butt), which isn't helping me very much on the boredom front. That said, I'm doing alright so far - occasional urges but they aren't very strong. I suspect that my first day back at work (tomorrow, I hope) is going to be the first really difficult day for this attempt.

 

[beren]

Day five. So far so good. Went back to work, even though I'm still kind of wiped out by what's left of that bug.

Had one close call today, but overall not bad. I think knowing that I was going to make this post today before going back upstairs from the office to be with my family really helped. That motivation may not last very long, but it reaffirms my initial suspicions that joining the community here would be helpful.

On to day 6!

 

[beren]

Day 6. Tough one. Lots of... I won't say triggers, but definitely tempting stuff on various social media stuff for me today. But I was able to keep myself distracted with other things during the morning and then I spent all afternoon in meetings, which may have been what got me through the day. Still, tomorrow's a full week if I can hold out. One more day until one more day

 

[beren]

Struggling a little bit this afternoon. This is usually where it starts to get difficult for me - I start entering into a sort of bargaining phase with myself. Maybe I can just MO. Maybe I can just use fiction, it doesn't count if it's not actually a video/set of images... that kind of stuff. No real triggers, just I think my brain has figured out it's been a while and is starting to push. It's been slowly building up all day and I've gotten to the point now where I can't even really focus on much of anything. So much for my noble ideas for productive distractions

I'm going to try taking a walk and see if that'll clear my head a little bit. Then maybe give up on work for the week (long weekend from work, which I think is going to be a huge help for me) if that doesn't work.

 

[prp]

Hang in there Tom!!!  I can totally relate with you on getting caught.  My wife caught me with P on my computer about 8 years ago, and while I shaped up for a while after that, it really just made get better and better at hiding it.  In fact, my addiction actually got worse in the following years, but I always found new and creative ways to hide it.  I am so tired of living a double life and of trying to find new ways to cover up my P use.  I think right now the best feeling for me has been just knowing that I have nothing to cover up.  It's a great feeling and so I will encourage you to just hang in there!

 

[beren]

Thanks prp! Yeah, it's kind of weird how we can make stuff like that work, right? I mean, I've had almost 15 years of practice hiding this stuff. I don't even have to think about it any more, it's just instinct. It definitely feels nice having deleted "the stash," though - I know a lot of other guys have mentioned it, but there's kind of this weirdly great feeling of "well, if I die tomorrow, at least there's nothing embarrassing on my computer." It's pretty freeing, like you say, and definitely a perk of trying to kick the habit for good


So I got through the rest of today without any incident, which means I've made it a full week. I have to say, probably the biggest thing I've noticed is how much the material on YBOP has helped me out even just in this first week. I think there are two pretty huge advantages here for me that I didn't have before:

- Understanding how the addiction works - I mean, I generally knew that it was an addiction, and that dopamine was involved, etc. What I didn't really get was how all that dictated behavior patterns; being able to recognize those patterns and actively work against them is huge.
- Understanding that it's not a sex thing - I realize that the distinction between a "porn addiction" and a "sex addiction" may just be a difference of syntax to a lot of folks, but to someone like me who grew up in a pretty sexually repressed environment (hooray Bible belt), I'd been thinking of this addiction predominantly from the context of its sexual nature. That was really problematic for me because I want to try to have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife, and it was pretty hard to keep the two separate (some of my biggest relapses came immediately on the heels of activity in our sex lives). There's also just a lot of extra baggage that gets added to the concept at that point. Being able to make that distinction has changed my perspective, and I can get some good mileage out of treating P like it's junk food instead of a manifestation of the Ultimate Puritan TabooTM.

Anyway. Just some thoughts while I'm sitting here. Here's to day 8

 

[pinkerton]

Way to go man. I get where you're coming from on the separation of the addiction and sex. I always thought they were basically the same thing as and therefore I was a freak. It was encouraging to learn that I didn't use because I wanted sex so much but because my brain wanted to get high. Good luck. Keep coming back.

 

[Will500]

Good to see you're keeping on going, man.  One thing I'm finding is I have to be ruthless in approaching this.  As soon as I start bargaining with myself, it's just a matter of time before I use P.  I'm finding it really helpful to just have the attitude of thinking about something else - or paying attention to something else when those thoughts come up.  Think of them as con men, come to sell you some sort of snake oil.  You wouldn't give a con man the time of day right?  And think of your kid, and the kind of dad you want to be for him....I know we can both do this.  I am having a bit of a challenge today - I was very tempted to google something I shouldn't a minute ago, but I came on the forum instead.  Feeling stronger already.

 

[beren]

Thanks Will and pinkerton

I haven't been posting but am still doing well - just busy with the family over the long weekend. I've officially passed my original goal of beating 10 days (hooray!) and have upped my goal to 28 days. Still trying to take it one day at a time but it's nice to have some milestones, and 4 weeks seems pretty reasonable.

I've been feeling pretty great the past couple of days. I'm sure it won't last (I'm expecting withdrawal to start kicking in again soon) but for now I'm in a pretty good mood. I even tripped across some mild P the other day (hazard of the internet, I suppose) and held up to it. Let's hope the trend continues

I've also become really aware this past weekend of how much of a role P has played in my life. I always knew it was a big deal, but I've been kind of shocked by how often I automatically start typing out the URL to a P site when I open up a new browser tab, and that the idea pops into my head every time my wife leaves to put the kid down for a nap.

Also, my wife and I both got over our colds, and it was Valentine's weekend to boot, so stuffed happened. Pretty bad performance on my part (I think I've done so much MO that I've developed kind of a hair trigger), but I didn't relapse like I was concerned about. Felt good.

 

[fapfreezone]

Something that I find that helps me abstain comes from CBT, or cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT isn't just useful for people with emotional disorders, you can use it for all sorts. The central idea is that thoughts, behaviours and emotions all influence each other. Since emotions motivate you to act (e.g. you run away from that bear so fast because you're scared), if we can use our thoughts to create beneficial emotions then that will help use resist, as we will be more motivated in the moment.

Now, most people try the obvious way of using thoughts. Thinking "I shouldn't" or "I shouldn't because..." are surface level thoughts and you have to try to do them each time. A better approach is to use a deeper level of thoughts. There are two deeper levels of thought. The second level is automatic thoughts (the first was surface thoughts) - those that seem like fleeting feelings, that you could put into words if you are self-aware enough to identify them. The third level is assumptions/beliefs. Automatic thoughts aren't modifiable directly, they are a result of the third level thoughts, so by altering our third level thoughts, we modify our automatic thoughts as well.

To identify your existing beliefs and assumptions, ask yourself questions about the subject. If you do this with several things and you are not surprised by the results, you are doing it wrong. Existing beliefs may have been created at any time during your life and will still be influencing your emotions today, even if they conflict with your current opinion. This is part of the reason people have emotional disorders - they create incorrect beliefs at inopportune times (e.g. childhood, when perspective may be wrong) and they stay into adulthood and create emotional disorder.

To replace an old belief with a new one once you've uncovered it, simply challenge the accuracy of the old one and make a decision based on new information. Here is an example:

What are the downsides of a PMO habit?
? Super-patchy beard caused by hormonal imbalances
? Cravings for junk food caused by turbo-charged reward circuits and desensitization (fewer dopamine receptors in reward circuits in brain)
? Lack of interest in real women due to desensitization
? Objectifying women due to wiring of ?stare at genitals? to ?pleasure/arousal? brain cells/pathways and desensitization to normal stimuli
? Erectile dysfunction due to lack of arousal to anything other than super-stimulating artificial internet porn
? Delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation due to either sensitization or desensitization
? Social anxiety for reasons unknown
? Depression due to desensitization. If you have fewer dopamine receptors, everything becomes less fun so you become depressed.
? Lower self-esteem and self-confidence due to feeling like a social reject, unattractive, abnormal, dysfunctional, fat, poor beard. Basically all of the above.

Those are my beliefs about PMO. The idea is to think of the downside of PMO and/or advantage of no PMO (do both) and then make it more emotionally stimulating by using adjectives and phrases like "hormonal imbalance". Taking the first bullet point, if it had just been "patchy beard", I think you can easily see that that would have been less emotionally stirring than what I actually wrote. The same is true of the rest.

In terms of challenging the pro PMO beliefs, my line was simple:

Pro PMO belief: "PMO is fun"

Refutation: "The more fun PMO is, the more sensitized you are and therefore the more addicted you are and therefore the more desensitized you are and therefore the more fun you are sucking out of the rest of your life by PMOing. i.e. the more fun PMO appears to be giving you, the more it is actually costing you."

If you want proof that this works, just instill emotionally motivating beliefs to stop PMO like mine above and also challenge any pro PMO opinions you have and you will see a change in how well you resist temptation.

Finally, a word of warning. When people become super obsessed with appearance (like celebrities that are always photo'ed), they actually have a greater chance of developing eating disorders (try googling celebrity eating disorders). This is because if you become super obsessed with something, you become less satisfied with and more distressed by what you have. The distress can lead to giving in to emotionally comforting things like food and PMO. So, make your beliefs emotionally motivating, but don't exaggerate them. Make them true and realistic.

Congratulations for getting to the end!