I'm 45 and have been using porn since my early/mid teens. As i got older i bought porn magazines and occasional videos, but it was always on a small scale and i never had a large collection, just a handful of mags/ videos at any one time. Then in the 90s i discovered internet porn, a free endless collection of more porn than anyone could possibly consume. I got pretty obsessed by it for short periods and would spend hours edging masturbation (i had no idea that's what i was doing at the time), but it never felt out of control. It didn't seem to have any obvious negative impact on my life
Then i discovered phone sex lines about 10 years ago, and that combined with internet porn really got me hooked. I found the buzz from phone sex much greater for me than from just porn, i think it was the connection with a real person and the live interplay. I sort out girls who really enjoyed getting off talking pure filth and explored fantasies with them. It seemed a revelation to me that there were girls with such filthy minds who seemed to thoroughly enjoy what they were doing.
Things started escalating over the past 12 months. It started to change the way i was thinking about sex and women, and the fantasies got harder and i was getting into gangbang, dogging and bukkake porn. The idea of women being submissive and wanting to be used for pleasure became a real thrill and i explored this with the phone sex girls too. There were certain girls that liked and encouraged this and they became my favourites and that really fueled my addiction. We would watch the same porn as we talked and masturbated. Then in between calls i would fantasise about them while watching porn and creating new fantasies. I became obsessed with trying to meet up for real with my favourite phone sex girls. I felt like i had to know if sex with them for real would be as mind blowing as it was on the phone. There was one girl in particular who wanted to meet up too, even though it was against the phone chat rules. We created a code so that we could make arrangements to meet. The anticipation and excitement of it was huge.
However, all this was going on while i have a girlfriend. We have a long distance relationship so we only see each other every 2 weeks. I would see her for a weekend then go back to my phone sex girls. I kept the phone sex very compartmentalised in my mind, and rationalised that it was 'healthy' and 'harmless fun' and as i wasn't with my girlfriend all the time i had needs that needed to be taken care of. Then it suddenly dawned on me that i was totally obsessed by phone sex, and that it was getting out of control, and that trying to meet was just crazy and would ruin everything i have with my girlfriend. I felt addicted to it and not in control of it, and i started to feel terrible guilt and shame, i couldn't believe what i'd been doing when i wasn't with my girlfriend, and i was worried about the type of material i was getting into and liking.
It was this shock that stripped away the denial about what i had been doing, and i didn't like what i saw. I realised i had a real problem and that's when i found ybop. It was a relief to realise that i wasn't alone, that porn/ sex addiction is very real and that it didn't make me a bad person. I hadn't chosen to go down this path, i didn't know that porn/ sex could be addicitive like this. i had been slowly sucked into it over years without realising it, and it was escalating to where i was no longer in control.
This was the wake up call i needed. I now accept that i am a porn and particularly a phone sex addict, and that i have to stop using phone sex and porn for ever otherwise it will destroy my relationship and me.It feels that serious. I'm glad to say that since i accepted that i had a real problem with phone sex that i have been phone sex free since, which is 103 days. I initially thought i could just stop phone sex and 'downgrade' my porn use to a 'healthier' more normal subject matter. I have since realised that no porn is healthy or normal, and that it will escalate, so i am going porn free too and so far it's been 15 days and counting.
It's been a struggle, i have been pretty depressed and i think a lot of that has been down to latent guilt/ shame. I think i am starting to feel better though, my cravings are less, and i feel i have a bit of distance and clarity from it, and can see the destructive cycle of it. I haven't told my girlfriend, and she knows nothing about it, and frankly i'd like to keep it that way. i don't want to her hurt her unnecessarily and i don't want to risk our relationship over it.
I feel that i am making progress and i hope that by sharing my story it will help me and others with their journeys. It certainly feels like a relief to tell it.
Then i discovered phone sex lines about 10 years ago, and that combined with internet porn really got me hooked. I found the buzz from phone sex much greater for me than from just porn, i think it was the connection with a real person and the live interplay. I sort out girls who really enjoyed getting off talking pure filth and explored fantasies with them. It seemed a revelation to me that there were girls with such filthy minds who seemed to thoroughly enjoy what they were doing.
Things started escalating over the past 12 months. It started to change the way i was thinking about sex and women, and the fantasies got harder and i was getting into gangbang, dogging and bukkake porn. The idea of women being submissive and wanting to be used for pleasure became a real thrill and i explored this with the phone sex girls too. There were certain girls that liked and encouraged this and they became my favourites and that really fueled my addiction. We would watch the same porn as we talked and masturbated. Then in between calls i would fantasise about them while watching porn and creating new fantasies. I became obsessed with trying to meet up for real with my favourite phone sex girls. I felt like i had to know if sex with them for real would be as mind blowing as it was on the phone. There was one girl in particular who wanted to meet up too, even though it was against the phone chat rules. We created a code so that we could make arrangements to meet. The anticipation and excitement of it was huge.
However, all this was going on while i have a girlfriend. We have a long distance relationship so we only see each other every 2 weeks. I would see her for a weekend then go back to my phone sex girls. I kept the phone sex very compartmentalised in my mind, and rationalised that it was 'healthy' and 'harmless fun' and as i wasn't with my girlfriend all the time i had needs that needed to be taken care of. Then it suddenly dawned on me that i was totally obsessed by phone sex, and that it was getting out of control, and that trying to meet was just crazy and would ruin everything i have with my girlfriend. I felt addicted to it and not in control of it, and i started to feel terrible guilt and shame, i couldn't believe what i'd been doing when i wasn't with my girlfriend, and i was worried about the type of material i was getting into and liking.
It was this shock that stripped away the denial about what i had been doing, and i didn't like what i saw. I realised i had a real problem and that's when i found ybop. It was a relief to realise that i wasn't alone, that porn/ sex addiction is very real and that it didn't make me a bad person. I hadn't chosen to go down this path, i didn't know that porn/ sex could be addicitive like this. i had been slowly sucked into it over years without realising it, and it was escalating to where i was no longer in control.
This was the wake up call i needed. I now accept that i am a porn and particularly a phone sex addict, and that i have to stop using phone sex and porn for ever otherwise it will destroy my relationship and me.It feels that serious. I'm glad to say that since i accepted that i had a real problem with phone sex that i have been phone sex free since, which is 103 days. I initially thought i could just stop phone sex and 'downgrade' my porn use to a 'healthier' more normal subject matter. I have since realised that no porn is healthy or normal, and that it will escalate, so i am going porn free too and so far it's been 15 days and counting.
It's been a struggle, i have been pretty depressed and i think a lot of that has been down to latent guilt/ shame. I think i am starting to feel better though, my cravings are less, and i feel i have a bit of distance and clarity from it, and can see the destructive cycle of it. I haven't told my girlfriend, and she knows nothing about it, and frankly i'd like to keep it that way. i don't want to her hurt her unnecessarily and i don't want to risk our relationship over it.
I feel that i am making progress and i hope that by sharing my story it will help me and others with their journeys. It certainly feels like a relief to tell it.