Becoming my true, satisfied self
- Thread starter Hylden
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Hylden
Member
The last month was quite bumpy. I only managed streaks of 2-4 days. That might be why I found it difficult to pick myself up again. I felt really depressed, but it has been getting better the past week.
It's definitely harder to quit if you're not seeing someone AND if that's what you really want as well. I guess it comes down to staying patient. The past few days I felt really strong emotionally, and less socially anxious. Anxiety is the heaviest side-effect for me. I started realising how it's affecting my mood at work and how it's keeping me from doing stuff at my full potential. I take a lot of motivation from that now.
I MO'd yesterday because I went crazy as I got hard all the time and could'nt sleep. Had (weak) morning wood as well. So I guess I'm transitioning and I need to hang on and get longer streaks going. As soon as I can clear my head from fog and anxiety, the road ahead should be less bumpy. And I'm sure that 'll increase my chances of hooking up with an amazing partner.
It's really unbelievable how depressed this porn poison can make you feel.
It's definitely harder to quit if you're not seeing someone AND if that's what you really want as well. I guess it comes down to staying patient. The past few days I felt really strong emotionally, and less socially anxious. Anxiety is the heaviest side-effect for me. I started realising how it's affecting my mood at work and how it's keeping me from doing stuff at my full potential. I take a lot of motivation from that now.
I MO'd yesterday because I went crazy as I got hard all the time and could'nt sleep. Had (weak) morning wood as well. So I guess I'm transitioning and I need to hang on and get longer streaks going. As soon as I can clear my head from fog and anxiety, the road ahead should be less bumpy. And I'm sure that 'll increase my chances of hooking up with an amazing partner.
It's really unbelievable how depressed this porn poison can make you feel.
Hylden
Member
Damn it. I PMO'd. Well, I guess I have to beat myself up over it, but not go to far. When I have a backset, I never binge though.
Stupid brain trying to trick you: 'There's no-one home, quick, take your chance, you deserve some release.' Damnit. Just as I was about to leave for the gym. Still going to. Hating it after PMO. Also feel like I'm getting more serious about it each time I fail.
My problem is escalating triggers: half-naked pics on FB 'n stuff, leading to my brain saying hey, let's have a quick look on a porn site)... Will try harder to fight those and stay super-powered.
Stupid brain trying to trick you: 'There's no-one home, quick, take your chance, you deserve some release.' Damnit. Just as I was about to leave for the gym. Still going to. Hating it after PMO. Also feel like I'm getting more serious about it each time I fail.
My problem is escalating triggers: half-naked pics on FB 'n stuff, leading to my brain saying hey, let's have a quick look on a porn site)... Will try harder to fight those and stay super-powered.
Hey Man,
I know the feeling... Just PMO'd yesterday (after two days of drinking) and it was definitely not worth it.
Triggers like instagram and facebook are killers for me. I also find myself getting more serious about each relapse.
I'm going to try and keep myself busy by cutting back on using my Iphone and laptop because when I get bored and an urge kicks in I find it extremely difficult to stay away from Porn.
All the best in the future!
Dev.
I know the feeling... Just PMO'd yesterday (after two days of drinking) and it was definitely not worth it.
Triggers like instagram and facebook are killers for me. I also find myself getting more serious about each relapse.
I'm going to try and keep myself busy by cutting back on using my Iphone and laptop because when I get bored and an urge kicks in I find it extremely difficult to stay away from Porn.
All the best in the future!
Dev.
Hylden
Member
Thanks Dev. You're not alone. Good luck as well.
The smartphone is a trigger when bored. 'Just gonna look, not PMO'. And then you do... The goal should be to stay away from P. Once you're looking at it, it sucks you in. Also, I found myself more likely to 'self-treat' when I had some alcohol. Be very careful when you drink. Stay rational.
I went to the gym yesterday and felt weak. Also, when passing someone by, I just looked at the floor, whereas I'd make eye contact the past few weeks. That was horrible. I felt shaky and weak exercising too. But afterwards felt slightly better already. Trying to stay strong and away from P. I experienced the benefits short-term. I want to take that as far as I can.
The smartphone is a trigger when bored. 'Just gonna look, not PMO'. And then you do... The goal should be to stay away from P. Once you're looking at it, it sucks you in. Also, I found myself more likely to 'self-treat' when I had some alcohol. Be very careful when you drink. Stay rational.
I went to the gym yesterday and felt weak. Also, when passing someone by, I just looked at the floor, whereas I'd make eye contact the past few weeks. That was horrible. I felt shaky and weak exercising too. But afterwards felt slightly better already. Trying to stay strong and away from P. I experienced the benefits short-term. I want to take that as far as I can.
bizzel
Member
Hey man,
I've read your thread and had a few thoughts about it. Firstly I want to emphasize that is in no way beneficial to feel guilty or bad because you PMO'd. It happened, it sucks, you'll feel bad about it but the more you beat yourself up for it, the harder you make it on yourself. Stopping this is hard enough as it is so instead of beating yourself up for relapsing more often, try to put it in perspective with your situation two months ago and notice that it is getting better. This just takes time.
I think this might be a good read for you: http://yourbrainonporn.com/top-3-fatal-mistakes-rebooters-make
Also, sucks about the girl, but it happens. Good for you to cut it off if completely if you've had feelings for her. I personally wouldn't mention the porn addiction / no PMO thing until you've been in a relationship with a girl for a while now, I'd find it understandable if someone would be scared off about that if they're just getting to know you.
So with that in mind, best of luck tomorrow and the days that follows. Congrats on your progress so far.
I've read your thread and had a few thoughts about it. Firstly I want to emphasize that is in no way beneficial to feel guilty or bad because you PMO'd. It happened, it sucks, you'll feel bad about it but the more you beat yourself up for it, the harder you make it on yourself. Stopping this is hard enough as it is so instead of beating yourself up for relapsing more often, try to put it in perspective with your situation two months ago and notice that it is getting better. This just takes time.
I think this might be a good read for you: http://yourbrainonporn.com/top-3-fatal-mistakes-rebooters-make
Also, sucks about the girl, but it happens. Good for you to cut it off if completely if you've had feelings for her. I personally wouldn't mention the porn addiction / no PMO thing until you've been in a relationship with a girl for a while now, I'd find it understandable if someone would be scared off about that if they're just getting to know you.
So with that in mind, best of luck tomorrow and the days that follows. Congrats on your progress so far.
Hylden
Member
Hey man. Thx for sharing the link. It was a big piece of useful information I was missing. It's all pretty logical. I realize you should avoid throwing yourself in a negative spiral, which you do when beating yourself up. Trying to stay strong. Good luck to you too. We can do this.
Hylden
Member
Well, this definitely is a milestone for me. As you can see below I haven't PMO'd in quite some time (my longest streak until now has been 6 days). However, there were a few instances in which I started M'ing to P, but called it off in time... Apart from those couple of times, I have succesfully stayed away from P.
Stopping cold turkey was impossible. But I realize I have to stay strong AND that I CAN overcome this. I've come a long way, six months after realizing the problem. Now I no longer need P to get it up. The most important thing right now is the P-free lifestyle. Now I feel that the next step is gradually cutting back on MO as well. I know I should get rid of the need to 'prove' to myself that I can MO.
Stopping cold turkey was impossible. But I realize I have to stay strong AND that I CAN overcome this. I've come a long way, six months after realizing the problem. Now I no longer need P to get it up. The most important thing right now is the P-free lifestyle. Now I feel that the next step is gradually cutting back on MO as well. I know I should get rid of the need to 'prove' to myself that I can MO.
Hylden
Member
2 weeks have passed since my last update. And I reached my first goal! No PMO in 30 days. However, I still feel drawn to porn sometimes. I then start watching with some M'ing, but call it off. I'm gradually getting stronger and it feels less and less difficult to not PMO. My next goal is 180 days.
In half a year's time, I'm hoping to be rebooted. Meanwhile, I have to stay away from P entirely and M as less as possible. Right now M'ing happens every three days. Morning wood is present often and sex dreams seem to haunt me. But I feel like I'm winning the fight and am beginning to connect with my true self.
Still having emotional ups and downs though. So I'm hoping to further steady my mental state. I really-really want a girlfriend, but I realise the only way that's happening is when I'm calm, at ease and rebooted to my true self.
In half a year's time, I'm hoping to be rebooted. Meanwhile, I have to stay away from P entirely and M as less as possible. Right now M'ing happens every three days. Morning wood is present often and sex dreams seem to haunt me. But I feel like I'm winning the fight and am beginning to connect with my true self.
Still having emotional ups and downs though. So I'm hoping to further steady my mental state. I really-really want a girlfriend, but I realise the only way that's happening is when I'm calm, at ease and rebooted to my true self.
Hylden
Member
It has been a month, so time for an update. I have mixed feelings about this period. Although I maintained my no-PMO streak, I do feel urges to 'take a quick look' at porn and M to it. A few days ago I broke a no-MO streak of 17 days. Whereas my previous 'best' was 7 or 8 days. So that's a huge one. Just O'd (after watching some P, not during), and like every other time I feel emtpy/angry and realise how unfulfilling it is.
I Also got rejected last weekend. Somehow I feel like that hurt turns into anger that amplifies my anger at P. So I'm going for that next no-MO milestone, leaving porn behind in the process and see it as the poison it is. And become even more calm/self assured. I realise that's the only way I'm going to start showing on girls' radar. Somehow I can't shake the feeling that that is my goal here. Once I reach that point, P should be nothing more than a sad memory and nothing to get excited or a craving for.
P.S. Anyone know why my second counter looks so 'faint'?
I Also got rejected last weekend. Somehow I feel like that hurt turns into anger that amplifies my anger at P. So I'm going for that next no-MO milestone, leaving porn behind in the process and see it as the poison it is. And become even more calm/self assured. I realise that's the only way I'm going to start showing on girls' radar. Somehow I can't shake the feeling that that is my goal here. Once I reach that point, P should be nothing more than a sad memory and nothing to get excited or a craving for.
P.S. Anyone know why my second counter looks so 'faint'?
Hylden
Member
Thx man. A lesson I've learned: don't be too hard on yourself. Look at me. I'm now almost 10 months in the process of rebooting and it took me at least six to be able to significantly cut down on P. At the beginning a few days without PMO felt like a miracle. In August I hit the 30 day mark and kept going from there (see the counter below).
The next fase is abstaining from M, as much as you can. Right now I'm on no-M streaks of 6-10 days for the past few months. Morning wood is returning when I haven't M'd for a few days, so I think I'm slowly getting healed from ED.
And with each time I M, I realize it's not worth it. My social life has improved so much. I don't know if this is perception or a consequence of you yourself feeling more 'powerful' and sociable, but people seem to like and respect me more. My opinion is valued more at work and in my free time with friends. I just feel the respect that I hadn't noticed this way before.
So keep that in mind when you're down and wondering "why am I doing this"?
It's a long process of ups and downs... And it doesn't take away the feeling of loneliness I still have because I'd like to have a girlfriend. But letting go of those worries and 'conserving' your energy opens up so many possibilities and positivity towards possible relationships, be it friends or potential girlfriends.
The next fase is abstaining from M, as much as you can. Right now I'm on no-M streaks of 6-10 days for the past few months. Morning wood is returning when I haven't M'd for a few days, so I think I'm slowly getting healed from ED.
And with each time I M, I realize it's not worth it. My social life has improved so much. I don't know if this is perception or a consequence of you yourself feeling more 'powerful' and sociable, but people seem to like and respect me more. My opinion is valued more at work and in my free time with friends. I just feel the respect that I hadn't noticed this way before.
So keep that in mind when you're down and wondering "why am I doing this"?
It's a long process of ups and downs... And it doesn't take away the feeling of loneliness I still have because I'd like to have a girlfriend. But letting go of those worries and 'conserving' your energy opens up so many possibilities and positivity towards possible relationships, be it friends or potential girlfriends.
Hylden
Member
Just as I wanted to declare myself 'healed', I hit a snag. I've managed no-MO-streaks of 6-7 days, several times. But the past few weeks, porn seems to draw me in time and time again. I have to keep on fighting to let it go.
The worst thing is that I've edged to P several time last week. And I did MO a few times the last couple of days after getting aroused from P. And it made me feel shaky and weak...
I even feel like it's affecting my performance in soccer (goalkeeping). I feel anxious again. Uncertain and worst of all: my team notices and comments on it with like "what's the matter?" It's horrible but at the same time gives me more motivation to be free from it. I have morning wood and erections without P, so I know it's just a matter of banning P. I made a new counter for watching P (not visible here yet). Trying to kick it out of my life for good...
The worst thing is that I've edged to P several time last week. And I did MO a few times the last couple of days after getting aroused from P. And it made me feel shaky and weak...
I even feel like it's affecting my performance in soccer (goalkeeping). I feel anxious again. Uncertain and worst of all: my team notices and comments on it with like "what's the matter?" It's horrible but at the same time gives me more motivation to be free from it. I have morning wood and erections without P, so I know it's just a matter of banning P. I made a new counter for watching P (not visible here yet). Trying to kick it out of my life for good...
Hylden
Member
So a major update after two months... I've reached my 180 day-objective of no PMO! Although there has been edging to porn, which I guess slowed the progress.
Anyway. My life has taken a positive turn of events. I met a girl that I have been seeing for two weeks now and as I connected with her (cuddling and rubbing intimate parts), my interest in porn has never been so low. This morning I hesitated: should I hint to a handjob or not... Decided to go for it. And my erection didn't drop. Whereas in the past, with a previous girl, it would feel awkward, painful even. And I would lose my erection... It felt nice (not super-nice, but still). And she finished me off. So this is a first big win.
I never wanted to stay further away from porn. I'm not going to rush it, but hopefully I can declare myself fully healed soon if I manage intercourse withouth PIED. Also, I'm feeling more confident while practicing sports and there's no doubt that my increased (sexual) drive is making me better at it.
Will post a follow-up soon.
Anyway. My life has taken a positive turn of events. I met a girl that I have been seeing for two weeks now and as I connected with her (cuddling and rubbing intimate parts), my interest in porn has never been so low. This morning I hesitated: should I hint to a handjob or not... Decided to go for it. And my erection didn't drop. Whereas in the past, with a previous girl, it would feel awkward, painful even. And I would lose my erection... It felt nice (not super-nice, but still). And she finished me off. So this is a first big win.
I never wanted to stay further away from porn. I'm not going to rush it, but hopefully I can declare myself fully healed soon if I manage intercourse withouth PIED. Also, I'm feeling more confident while practicing sports and there's no doubt that my increased (sexual) drive is making me better at it.
Will post a follow-up soon.
Hylden
Member
OK, so this is awesome. My girlfriend slept over and... we had succesful intercourse. 
Although my erection wasn't as solid as it should/could be, it was enjoyable. Strangely I didn't last that long, but did manage a second time. She enjoyed it too, although I can still do a lot better.
The feeling of relief is immense. The past year I've had so many difficult moments and depressed feelings. But I've found so much encouragement here. And once I started improving and kicking the habit, I felt more optimistic. So this is it. Everything I've been fighting for. The thought of PMO'ing now just seems like a big joke. I'm curious to see how watching no P at all, for an extended period of time, will further affect my sex life.
Until the next update.
Although my erection wasn't as solid as it should/could be, it was enjoyable. Strangely I didn't last that long, but did manage a second time. She enjoyed it too, although I can still do a lot better.The feeling of relief is immense. The past year I've had so many difficult moments and depressed feelings. But I've found so much encouragement here. And once I started improving and kicking the habit, I felt more optimistic. So this is it. Everything I've been fighting for. The thought of PMO'ing now just seems like a big joke. I'm curious to see how watching no P at all, for an extended period of time, will further affect my sex life.
Until the next update.