minor mental breakdown?

[indiana]

So I'm having a minor melt down, maybe this is part of a minor catharsis?

I went out to a friends tonight to make dinner and catch up and while there I started getting anxiety.

-Anxiety about being in a reboot, she made an off hand conversation about masturbation, nothing overtly sexual just talking about an ex boyfriend, and in the back of my head i was thinking that I don't masturbate, that I'm abstaining to heal from a PMO addiction, something that's so far out of the norm day to day talk of society. If I told her that, I'd imagine she'd be like WTF.
-Anxiety because I have gotten so far off track, that a night out with friends is part of 'recovery' not just hanging out. It's part of relearning how to be part of the group.
-Anxiety because it is difficult for me to socialize sometimes and I'm 27 years old, I feel so far behind.
-Anxiety because it all made me feel crazy, this whole situation, how far out things have gotten.
-Anxiety because I feel like I've been acting and trying so hard to hold it all together for so long, and finally I'm seeing that I can't do it.

It's all just hitting me, the more I get away from porn, the more I see how bad things really were, and they were fucking bad. Maybe this is part of coming back to reality.

Ugh, I needed to vent and I'd be very grateful for a dialog.

Indiana.

 

[OSS]

I went throw a major melt down this time last year, I didn't leave the house for about 2 or 3 weeks and I think I cried in anxious tremors for 3 days straight at the start. I was a complete fucking mess and I thought I would never get out of it, my mind was occupied with anxiety 24/7 and the only relief I found was when I slept.

Trust me when I say it gets better.. But it does require effort. It's one of those moments where you really have to grit your teeth and try to withstand whatever your mind throws at you. It's painful to realise how much you've had to numb yourself the past years, it's very painful to realise every time you look at porn, unnecessarily check your fb, insta, snapchat, play video games or whatever that you're just trying to distract yourself from your suffering

The only things that worked for me were exercise, meditation and socializing. Meditation can be very painful at first but eventually you will find relief you get to learn "oh, my mind isn't as scary as I thought, these are just thoughts".

 

[Vincent]

logic behind that:

I feel miserable -> I am abstaining from something -> therefore I feel miserable -> the abstaining is making me feel miserable -> therefore it is not good for me -> I should try if I feel better after doing that. 

Those are passages of getting clean - after all your brain was/is addicted.

Don't worry, you're not the only one. I might be as well in the exact same situation, you are in now.... I feel depressed and don't know if all that makes sense.

Fact is:

WE NEED A GOAL. So let's see this thing through, fight it  and let it change your life.

A Reboot will not change your life. You will do it with the things you discover during the reboot about yourself. It is a harsh thing. But there is no easy way....

Your anxiety is real. i know that, I have it as well. But you know what: You are NOT A SMALL ANT! YOU ARE A STRONG MAN THAT IS FACING HIS FEARS!!!!

You don't try to hold it together!!!! you already do!

You, I and everybody else here... we all are fucking tough enough to make it. The only problem is that we see ourselves as so little and weak that we eventually accept that we are little and weak. But we are not.

As OSS suggested: build a routine! The most important things are: Action and interaction.

And remember, Indiana: There IS a way. And you CAN find it.

 

[indiana]

OSS and Vincent, Thank you guys for the words of reason.

OSS, It's staggering to see how much suffering I've been holding back, I haven't 'fully' cried in years, and I know that I'm blocked up and numbed. So in a way I see the anziety and depression as a part of coming back out of this hole but it's damn painful. I'm a runner, so I have a good routine for exercise, though this last week I've been laid up with an injury which has been tough, but also good because it's brought about some of this depression. I have done a meditation retreat in the past but never kept up with it. I think it's time to start making that a habit.

I feel like for so long I've been living in my head, or in intellect, and out of my body, because in my body it has been too painful and crushing. PMO addiction for years and just finally seeing that I'm not alone, but for those years I was alone for all extent and purposes, I guess we all were, and that type of thing leaves a mark. The further along I go, the more I come back into my body, I feel things again, music is beautiful again, but there are extreme moments of suffering.

Vincent, It's really something the things you find out about yourself over this process. It seems like nearly everyday some layer is being peeled off and I'm seeing another part that I've forgotten or never even knew was there.

Writing this post really reaffirms how grateful I am to be here.

Thank you
Indiana.