Day 50.
Guess I took a little break from the journal, and Reboot Nation. I didn't want to keep making mental and physical notes on every moment of what my dick was and wasn't doing. I spent so long forcing it to perform beyond its natural pattern that I formed a false expectation of what it was "supposed" to do, thanks to the eternally hard dicks in every porn vid. So I've been adjusting to my new normal. Aroused sometimes by visual or mental stimulation, and most of the time not. I don't need to get hard every day at a scheduled time anymore. I get hard when I get hard naturally, and the rest of the time doesn't matter because I'm doing all the other stuff in my life (that I had been avoiding by watching hours of porn.)
So on Day 41 we were visited by our bf from out of town for about 6 days. I was kinda nervous and anxious and also really excited to start rewiring and see what the hell would happen with my dick and my libido. He's been incredibly supportive from afar through my reboot and was just as supportive in person, treating every non-hard moment like it was totally natural... because it is! But the truth is the non-hard moments didn't last very long. I didn't take any Cialis this time, which was a little scary for me but I tried not to think about it. We have a great chemistry and I enjoyed him and his body.. hugging and making out, without the pressure of HAVING to do all the acrobatics in porn vids. I mean we all got off plenty, but I felt a difference in the expectation within my own mind.
***There's a bit of sextalk here that might be a trigger for you, so if you're sensitive to that right now you may want to skip down.**
Btw that first orgasm after 40 days of nothing was pretty crazy haha.. We laughed, convinced that the entire neighborhood had to hear me. I'm happy to report I had no problem getting hard and staying hard through everything he did to my dick, I lasted for a bit, and then had no problem shooting. I read a lot of accounts about flatlining after that first orgasm, but that wasn't true for me. It may have been because of the stimulation of having my guy around for another few days after not seeing him for so long. But I guess also everyone is just different.
Over the course of the long weekend there was a lot of body contact, hugging and kissing. There were BJs and HJs. And if I didn't start off hard I usually got there, naturally not forced. There was one time when he was blowing me that I was soft for a long while, but it felt amazing as if I were hard. He kept at it because he was enjoying it also, but I started becoming anxious that I wasn't getting hard at all.. So I found myself -- yet again, like before -- pulling porn-like images from my head that I thought might get me hard. Wtf?? Here I am in the middle of getting blown by a guy I find gorgeous and I'm thinking about other things to force a hardon? That's when it hit me that I was literally laying in my favorite PMO position, on my back on my side of the bed. So I changed it up. I got up and knelt on the bed so he and I were body to body, face to face... and suddenly I became rock hard! I didn't even have to jerk myself, it just happened from the intimacy and the more active position. Lesson learned.
***Trigger area over***
So now he's away again for another unknown stretch of time, and I'm trying to decide how to handle things. There's still going to be no porn. I'm still not going to force myself to get hard. But I'm not opposed to occasional M and O as long as it's a result of thinking about real situations or interacting with real people (even if it's phone sex or skype). And definitely not in that established PMO position laying in bed.
I'm not "cured". I think this will be an ongoing awareness to avoid artificial stimulation. And now that my avoidance mechanism of watching hours of porn is gone, I'm finding ways to deal with the things in my life that I've been trying to buffer. I made an appointment with a counselor/therapist for the first time in my life and I'm looking forward to interviewing him for the possibility of couples therapy with my partner. I'm ready to take action and start making my life closer to the way I see it in my head. No more autopilot.
Will keep you posted.
