Rebooting my life

[Maxime]

Hello everyone.
I was directed to this website a few hours ago, and read the rules, guidelines, and such, and decided this could be beneficial to my recovery.
I'm 29 years old, been PMO'ing my life away for several years. While I don't remember just how many, I must have started at around 14-15.
Although my cravings led me to the darkest places of my mind, I was never into the most hardcore/violent things.
But first it was pictures, then video, then pictures and videos with chat, and it would last for hours - 4, 5, 6...  so I'm happy I'm starting this now.

I've been with the same girl for 11 years, lived with her for about 7 years, and we split up a year and a half ago for reasons not related to my porn addiction.
We're still seeing each other at least once a week and the sex was always good, except it's been deteriorating in the last months- quickly, and drastically. Now I know I was starting to develop ED, but I kept giving excuses for it: ''feeling under the weather'', ''masturbated this morning/last night'', etc. The more I think about it, the farther I think it goes back, but the severe consequences started recently. On our 11th anniversary (17 days ago), I just couldn't get it up at all, which shocked me and destroyed me. I've always had erections at the worst times and places, and very easily just thinking about a woman's body until a few months ago.

I've also started getting brain fog and feeling anxious around people, especially when they're happy or excited for something. I don't know if it's related, but I recognized myself when watching Reboot Nation's video. I'm an artist and I feel like my porn addiction has been destroying my creativity, productivity (big time) and will to do anything other than masturbate.

That being said, I'm on day 6 now, and it's been difficult so far, especially today, but I'm happy I managed to avoid looking at porn.
I'll be mainly using two tools for my recovery. This forum, and an app called habitRPG (big RPG fan ) which lets you set habits, daily tasks, rewards, etc. This last one also helps me with taking back control over my life (there's a big cleaning up to be done there, too, and maybe a good defrag )

Thanks for reading

 

[Maxime]

7th Day
I'm on my 7th day now and I feel rather good. I spent a lot of time reading journals here, and just reading about the subject here and there. It feels very weird to be reading and exchanging about that, because it's such a taboo subject.
Reading through some major threads here and on nofap, I came across a post saying that if you keep your porn hidden somwhere, you're not really ready for a reboot. I don't know why, I didn't want to delete it. I thought I could keep it and then use it with moderation once I'd recovered. And then I understood through reading more that you cannot control porn and it's useless to me if I'm going to turn the page, so I deleted it. My main concern is that I still have stuff on an external harddrive that my computer refuses to fully detect, and formatting is not an option because I've got so much important stuff on it. So, I know it's a risk, but since I cannot access it right now, I feel rather safe.
I've also installed K9 just now and sealed the random password I came up with (couldn't memorize it) and will give it to a friend tomorrow.
Now, off to the gym to finish this 7th day with pride and glory!

 

[Kyle]

Hey man, thanks for responding to my post! Congrats on the 7 days

I can relate to the "fog". I also have some social anxiety. I often wonder if its some symptom of the addiction.

Keep up the good work. Keep busy, find distraction, trade in the bad habits for good. Someone on here mentioned paying attention to all habits, i think not giving into any temptation, porn, food, or otherwise is gonna make us stronger healthier people!

 

[Maxime]

Yes! I'm aiming to go to bed earlier (failed tonight) eat less sugar, end porn addiction (of course) bit also positive stuff like drinking more water, working on more projects, etc. Thanks for the encouragement. I'm rooting for you!

 

[Maxime]

8th Day, Morning
Reading through journals I came to the conclusion that relapses can happen, even after a good streak. So I started accepting them in advance. But I'm under the impression that I'm starting to look forward to a relapse so I can PMO because hey, "it's OK and normal to relapse".

Also, I keep telling myself I want to do the hard mode 90 days, but "doubt I'll make it on my first try", while I should just believe in myself and make it work instead of being cautiously optimistic about it in fear (anticipation?) of a relapse failure.

Anyone has insight on this? Thanks.

 

[Maxime]

8th Day, Noon
I thought my gf was supporting me in this, but I feel like it's collapsing. We were talking last night and I admitted to have watched cam shows in recent past. She hated the thought and the discussion turned around porn and I got scared I'd get triggered so I cut the conversation and went to the gym, saying we could talk the following day.

Today she's making it hard for me, asking me if it would be bad for her to know more, if it would hurt her more.
I'm all for being open with her, and I've been opening up for a while, but this is not helping me. I feel like it is hindering my progress. Insights?

 

[Kyle]

Dude i can relate to so much of what you've been posting

1st my view on relapse.

In my opinion, relapses shouldn't be "expected". I beleive now, that if you expect a relapse, its gonna happen, its like an invitation that the addicted part of the brain can't refuse.  Look at it this way, if you happen to relapse for whatever reason, just don't beat yourself up. Get back on track right away, learn from your mistake and be sure not to fall for the same trap again

2nd, my wife told me last night she's still discusted by my addiction, however she's still will in to give us another shot. It's hard to keep positive when others are bashing you, i dealt with that a lot when my wife found out about the porn. easy to relapse when you feel like shit... just keep you?r goals in mind and prove to her that your gonna beat this!!

My advice is hold NOTHING IN!!! secrets are awful, they distroyed my marriage, my wife told me so many times she could get past all the stupid shit I've done, including the porn, its the fact that i lied and hid it all from her that we got separated.

Keep it up the good work bud, stay strong!!
.

 

[Maxime]

Thanks, Kyle! Good to feel supported!

 

[Maxime]

8th Day, Evening
Well. Fuck my life. She's read done of my messages. How can I trust her and also, how can I keep writing here without fear of her reading? I'm scared I'll do something stupid if i go home.

 

[mybestself]

Hey Maxime, welcome to the forums. Also great job on making eight days, you're off to a great start!

I myself am 28 and am in a 7 year relationship. I opened up about my addiction with pornography around 4-5 years ago and I can't tell you how important that has been both for myself (in terms of my recovery from sex, love and porn addiction) and for my relationship which is going strong. Now, I may still be working on myself but my behaviour with pornography, sex and love today pales compared to what It used to be.

Reading your posts, it seems that your partner would not have read your posts unless she was curious. From my perspective it is far better that she hears the details from your directly. Porn can be massively addictive, it can warp peoples perceptions of reality and it can cause depression but it is only porn, you are not a bad person and you can decide to change and leave it behind.

I wish you luck my friend!

mybestself

 

[Maxime]

@mybestself
Thanks for your reply! Truth is, she already knew most of it already. Afterall, she found this site for me. It's just... There are things I hadn't told her. Anyway thanks for your support!

9th Day, Morning
So, yesterday, after the events (that she let me know she had read) and leaving the restaurant (gave me a couple hours to clear my mind) I went back to the apartment and we had a good talk. We went to bed and I started to feel my penis swell. It felt weird because I was angry with her. But I thought it was my body connecting with her body and saw it as a good sign.
After a few minutes of talking we just ended up having sex together, and I had the best erection I had had for weeks (or a couple months) and it was great, although it was not as hard as it was before. I did manage to keep it almost all along, too.
We feel asleep and upon waking up I was still cuddling with her and got started again. Unfortunately, I O'd not long after.
I think I was too excited.
Now. I don't feel ashamed or bad for this. I consider it as a positive event. But! I am shooting for Hard Mode so I'm not sure what to do here.
I was thinking about changing my counter to "didn't PM or watch P&Psubstitutes or M" and add a second one for just O.
Does it sound fair? I'm very proud of my progress so far. Let me know please
Edit: by the way I was 100% connected with reality. No fantasy at all.

 

[Maxime]

9th Day, Evening
So today went rather well. I was happy with my morning and previous night, all things considered.
But my girlfriend and I have been talking about it while I was on the bus back home (note: we don't live together anymore), and now I feel really horny. I feel light-headed and my heart rate went up. When it happens I become conscious of my penis and I have trouble thinking of something else. This is really not good and it appears that writing here is making it worse. I think I should go and shovel, and then hit the gym.

I set up my K9 account but I'm waiting for my friend to accept the e-mail change so that I cannot request a temporary one.

 

[Berens]

Hey, if you are an artist you can be sure that PMO addictio, was hiding your potential to express yourself. In some weeks you will be able to concentrate on the work, you will be able to think better about composition (whatever you do) and get much more satisfaction from it, believe me

 

[Maxime]

I'm already having a bit of inspiration back. Thanks for the encouragement!

 

[Taric]

It's a great thing to hear Maxime ! It's a sing that you're getting better a little. I am an artist too (I'm a singer) and I have same problem as you, I can't express fully myself because of addiction, just I can't get all of my potential from me. I'm crossing my fingers for you and I'm into your next posts ! Keep strong buddy !

 

[Maxime]

Thank you Taric! I might even start focusing my addiction in my art. If it wrecked so many years of my life, I might as well make it worth it.

 

[Maxime]

10th Day, Evening
Today went pretty well and it was actually quite easy. I was busy most of the time and then spent time with the girlfriend, which ended up in intercourse. I was happy to see I was once again in a good enough shape down there to make things happen. Starting tomorrow it should be a bit more difficult as I won't see her for a few days and will have to remain by myself.

 

[Maxime]

11th Day, Night
Had a nice evening with the girlfriend's family. Got subjected to a few minor triggers but nothing much to report. Got a bit depressed toward the end of the evening and am now back in front of my computer. I'm happy I don't feel any urges, although I kinda feel like normally I'd masturbate right now. In my old habits. Thankfully I'm not there anymore, I'm going straight to bed. I won again!

 

[Taric]

Congratulations Maxime for next won day ! I'm proud of you that you make it . Now you just have to stay strong and focused since you're alone but you will for sure .

 

[robust]

I'm happy I don't feel any urges, although I kinda feel like normally I'd masturbate right now. In my old habits. Thankfully I'm not there anymore, I'm going straight to bed.

That's the most important step: realizing that it is only a habit. Fighting against an "unknown enemy" will lead to a relapse (which I've learnt the hard way ). Once you've discovered that pattern, things will be quite "easy". Most of the work is done for you, just keep going and execute.