My journal, 30 yo guy

[Europe1]

Hi all,

My first post here!
Now 16 days without porn, planning to keep a journal of my no P trajectory.

A bit about myself: I am a 30 year old guy, as most of the forum members here I have been jacking off to porn since I was about 13.
Ever since, my P taste gradually shifted from softcore lesbians to quite extreme hardcore scenes, which I often regretted having watched just 2 seconds after O. Never got into shemale and gay porn though.

I have been wanking on P on average 6 times a week, sometimes up to 3 times a day. Average session would be about 30 minutes on porn tubes, switching between all kinds of kinky stuff.

Although there were some episodes of porn-induced ED, in general I dont have problems keeping it up, it is just that my libido is unbelievable low with real women. Next to that, my social skills leave much to desire and always feel like under a layer of depression and unhappiness.

I have a good job, I am healthy, not a chick magnet but also not a complete freak, still feeling f'ed up most of the time. I saw Gary Wilson's TedTalk and was quite struck by his explanation about how an overkill of dopamine numbs your pleasure response to normal, daily joys. So maybe, curting off that unending artificial dopamine supply might be key to regaining some joy in the small pleasures of life. That is my main motivation.

As I said: 16 days without P now. 2 times M, one time witg a real woman. It has been difficult at times not to watch. What is more annoying though, is that I feel my social anxiety is only increasing. Any of you recognises that?

 

[Berens]

Hi, while rebooting you can feel sometimes very introverted and that is normal for people who quit addiction. 16 days is a good progress. You will regain the joy of small things in life but it takes time and during the reboot you will experience moments when you will think that only thing that could give you pleasure is porn.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks, Berens! Hope that in time the brain will recover and will be less dependant on virtual stimuli to get going.

Day 17 today.

I have had pretty strong cravings for P over the last 2 weeks. Sometimes it got so bad that I started to bargain with myself about watching perhaps some softer stuff and trying to find evidence on the net that this reboot thing is all nonsense, so I could stop tormenting myself and get back to P.


Fortunately, I did not give in. What really works for me is to put all that abundant sexual energy that is released from P abstinence in working out in the gym. After a good work out, the cravings dissapear. Repeating the benefits of prolongued P abstinence also helps.

Hanging on the couch with my tablet seems to be the most risky activity, as even normal news sites etc. display sexy advertisement sometimes.

So far no flatline, daily cravings for P. Didnt notice any positive effects so far. That doesnt make it easier. Anyway, still confident that I will persist.

 

[Europe1]

Day 18.

Still didn't watch P.
Mood slightly improving, but it is Friday, so of course it is!
Porn cravings still there, but can handle them so far.

Tonight will be the biggest challenge I had so far.
My sweetheart will be staying with a friend this evening, so I will be alone with my temptation to watch P.

I always used to be happy when she announced that she was going somewhere without me, so I would have the opportunity to fap to P. Just to be left without any libido upon her return. How utterly insipid is that, when you think about it.

Had a funny thought yesterday. While driving home by train, I looked at othe men's faces, knowing that literally ALL of them are as eager porn watchers as was I untill 18 days ago; the businessman in front of me, the teenage dude to the left and that friendly father 3 seats away.
They all watch gaping buttholes, bukkake scenes, grannies and perhaps even worse. They are all wankers, jacking off to the most horrific stuff imaginable.
But not me, I am one of the few men on earth who does not engage in that kind of stuff anymore, I am an exception to the rule!

At least, for the moment...

 

[Europe1]

Day 19.

Wew.. yesterday was hard. I was home alone for the first time in the past 19 days. Had a pretty strong internal dialogue with myself and I almost convinced myself to give in.

Quickly fapped without porn, that helped. I know fapping without P is not recommended either - it would slow the healing process - but just fapping can never release as much dopamine as P. Other than binging porn, fapping is normal from the evolutionary perspective.

What do you guys do when you ALMOST about to relapse?

 

[Berens]

When you feel like relapsing you must do all the opposite, instead of edging make everything possible to get out of that state of mind, go run, workout, take coldshower. Do everything to dont begin touching yourself or think about sex. You will feel bad about yourself, you will think that you are loosing something, but you must overcome this feeling.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks for your advice.

Hope I can do without M as well in the future. However, main goal is to stop watching P and to find out if live is really better after 90 days.

Question: I see many of you have those fancy last time PMO bars. I wanted to get one as well, but it appears to be necessary to log in to your Google account first. As Google is famous for not not giving a shit about people's privacy, I wondered whether it is ok to use, as I don't want to share this great news about not watching porn in every gmail I send, or to appear on my Google+  account. Anyone?

 

[Europe1]

Day 20.

Still didn't watch P.  Starting to get confident that I will actually make it 90 days, although the road is long...

 

[fapfreezone]

Quickly fapped without porn, that helped

It helps me, too.

I know fapping without P is not recommended either

So do I, but I ignore this for the reason below.

it would slow the healing process

I agree that it would slow the healing process compared to a super hardcore full cold turkey Gabe Deem style reboot, but I don't think I could do that - I'd relapse. So, I try to make sure that I keep reducing the level of stimulation I'm getting. First it was no PMO, but fapping with fantasy was allowed, now it's fapping to sensation only and no watching P even without fapping. Next is no fapping at all. Then rewiring.

The FAQ says that phasing out does work for some people and that basically it fails if an attempt at phasing leads to binges. I.e. if you decide to fap to sensation only and quit one minute in and break out the internet porn. As a result, I think that my program could work for me because my moderation doesn't lead to binges.

I'm not really recommending this path to you - that's your choice - I'm just saying that it might conceivably work, so if you think it's better then go for it. If it doesn't work you'll know within three months or so, I would think.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks for your message Fapfreezone.  If I understand correctly, fapping is discouraged because it would be a trigger to watch porn for many people.
In my case it is not, I am 100% sure that it saved me from watching 3 times already. Try to minimalize it though, to once a week or so, and as quick as possible.. Still a huge difference with fapping to porn 6 times a week.

Today is day 21. 3 weeks, wow, must be a record since I was 13.

 

[Berens]

Maybe you would like to try after rebooting abstain from masturbation too, when your brain wont be wired to porn anymore. There are benefits of abstaining from masturbation too, of course priority is abstaining from porn. Good work on getting 3 weeks.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks for your advice Berens, I really appreciate it!

For now, I am just trying to fight my urges to watch P. There are some particular porn scenes that keep flashing through my mind.
They distract me from my daily activities and build up a huge sexual energy, that I need to canalize in some way. I hope that in time, these unwanted porn thoughts will dissapear as I unlearn my porn habit. Then I can take it easier with M as well, and perhaps even quit it eventually.

I hope the porn images in my mind won't harm the recovery process. In any case, resisting them is also a good training. Perhaps this isjust  a necessary part of the process.

 

[Europe1]

Day 22.

Determined not to relapse. No feelings of being 'reborn' or 'being able to talk to anyone' so far. Lot of stress and worry from my highly demanding job.

I used to lower the pressure at work by taking a short break watching pornographic pictures on my phone every 1.5 hour or so. This sure had a calming effect on short term.

Obviously, that is not an option anymore.

In general, not feeling too great. There is one pin-prick of light though. It seems as if I slowly get my fantasy back. I deliberately took 3 minutes yesterday to see how my dick would react to thinking about sex. Massive wood. That was absolutely unimaginable 3 weeks ago.

There is one

 

[Berens]

Do you think that you can find some activity to deal with a stress from a work? I dont kniw your circumstances but working out works for many people.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks, it works for me too. Working out is great, I can highly recommend it as a way to deal with your urges to watch porn.

Next to that, it increases the level of testosterone in your blood, which is also good for your wood.

 

[Europe1]

Day 23.

I might have hit the flatline as of yesterday. Not sure yet.
No urge to watch porn for 1.5 days, also no real life libido or sexual fantasies whatsoever, no morning wood..

For the moment, I enjoy it. It makes things easier.

Furthermore: serious brain fog, lack of concentration, tired despite of sufficient sleep, elevated social awkwardness. Not sure if this is anyhow connected to the no porn process.

I read somewhere on YBOP, that in order to protect itself, the brain gets rid of dopamine receptors when confronted with unnatural dopamine spikes induced by porn. This is the reason for the numbed pleasure response.
Does anyone know how long it takes to grow back after quitting porn?

This is my key motivation, regain pleasure in small joys and to get rid of my social anxiety.

Thank you all for reading and responding to my thread, it is highly appreciated, and keeps me motivated to succeed.

 

[Berens]

Hi. From my experience it takes some days. When i was on day 23 i was feeling the same as you feel now. It was for one or two weeks. Then i was feeling great for some days. After thati have get a withdrawal that was so enjoyable that i was thinking about suicide myself :-\ but it was for some days only, then it comes back to normal. I think that for the next two or three weeks you wont feel coll but after that you will notice a relief from feeling that uncomfortable statement and everything will be ok. I can tell you now that i dont have anymore of that stuff like brainfog, lack of motivation etc. And i am only on day 47.

 

[Europe1]

Hi Berens,

Thanks for sharing your experience, it really helps.
I am sure that feeling fucked up now will be worth it for later!
Good luck to you too!

 

[Europe1]

Day 24.

It starts to get easier not to watch porn, not to think about porn and not to jack off. I had the feeling that I hit the 'flatline', but I'm not sure. Did have MW this morning.

Apart from that, nothing special. No big difference with life during PMO so far. But hopeful that things will get better in time.

 

[Europe1]

Day 25.

Mixed feelings. One the one hand I am kind if proud that I didn't watch any porn, not even softcore stuff for 25 days. That is proof that I can do it. It is also a good feeling not to contribute to the utterly human degrading porn industry by not being on the demand side.

On the other hand I am getting slightly frustrated about this whole endeavor. Perhaps it is a bit early to judge, but I am getting the feeling that there is no change at all, and I am experiencing none of the withdrawal symptoms, neither am I starting to notice anything positive, like a decrease in social anxiety, increased libido etc.

Perhaps that is because I was never that seriously affected as others on this forum. Yes, I was sick of myself watching loads of kinky stuff, but never got into extremities such as gay porn and bestiality, other than many other forum users. Did have extreme low libido, still have, but was getting it up most of the time (if I hadn't jacked of 2 times that day already).

Not feeling like giving up, I will try to succeed, but the motivation I had in the beginning is eroding as results are still not there.

Am I just being too impatient? What are your experiences after 3.5 weeks?