My journal, 30 yo guy

[ominoreeg]

Haha, seriously, are we twin brothers? I have the exact same thing, up to editing scenes for my collection that only contained that part, and not being able to come during real sex without thinking about it. I must restrain myself from writing about it too much here, as the a-word alone will trigger me. I used to think of it as an acquired taste, yes, being even proud of it, but in hindsight I think I was bullshitting myself into believing it was just a quirky feature of me instead of a threat to enjoying real-life intimacy and sexuality. Which it is. I am not saying the act itself is bad, because it can be a healthy part of any loving relationship, and if played right with the right girlfriend, on special occasions, they DO like it... But it being a fetish, making intimacy and vaginal sex seem boring in comparison is very harmful in my view.

I have to say I notice that my fantasies, both conscious and subconscious, are 'normalizing'. Just thinking about regular sex with girls I've been with, or thinking about a threesome: something apparently all guys ever think of but always seemed like a ultra-frightening idea to me - having to entertain two girls at the same time. Maybe my fear of 'having to perform' is subsiding

About your experience: I don't think the dreams are bad for you. Dreams are a healthy way to deal with thoughts and experiences that you had during the day. Not much you can do about it anyway. I do however feel that thinking about the stuff you like, even writing about it in detail here, can be unwise. For me at least, if I would do that, if would definitely count as artificial stimulation... I know that before I understood the reboot rules, during a time of refraining from porn, I often went to apparently harmless sites to read about a-word related stuff (such as: looking up in which mainstream books or movies it is mentioned), and it always contributed to my relapse.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks for your interesting contribution, Nick! I also have the feeling that my fantasies are slightly normalizing, in the sense that I stopped fantasizing about the more 'extreme' porn things that I used to watch: older women (up to 60), chubby girls etc. on the other hand, I have never really actively fantasized about older women etc. in real life. My fantasies were always pretty normal I think, sometimes a bit violent perhaps, but not extremely.

Baseline, much of what I like in porn, does not excite me in real life. I was always really thrilled by watching older women in porn, while I am averse to the thought of having sex with older (40+) women in real life - I am 30 myself.
The same goes for chubby girls, loved them in porn, but slept with 3 chubby girls in real life, and was actually repulsed by it.

So not watching porn, automatically means not being confronted with sexual stuff that I don't appreciate in real life, which is a healthy development I think.

Day 39.

I am losing count, which is a good thing.
Mood is fairly good. A huge inprovement compared to a couple of days ago, but my mood is always better on Thursday and Friday, so it might very well be connected to the uplifting feeling of the approaching weekend.

This morning a very handsome girl was eye balling me on the train to work. That felt great. Does't happen too often, or perhaps I just never notice.

Feeling horny in a good way, although I have to fight sexual images popping up in my head all the time.

 

[Europe1]

Day 40.

Another milestone. Time for some reflection on the last (almost 6) weeks.

-Haven't watched a single porn clip or picture since February 2. Never been without porn for that long since I was 13. It is quite an achievement, and it has not been easy. So this makes me confident that I can actually make it to at last 8 weeks, and probably also to 90 days. This is my first reboot, never thought that I would make it this far, but now that I am here, I will carry on. It would be a waste of all the effort to give up now.

-What has kept me going: first of all, the support of this forum. It is really reinforcing. It creates a sphere of accountability towards you all. I will not fail. Otherwise I would have been accountable to myself only. I know what being accountable to myself has looked like over the past 17 years. Never could abstain from porn longer that 3 days. This forum helps me a lot. What also really works for me is reading scientific articles on YBOP and Fight the new drug. It kills my urges for several hours and reminds me of why I am doing this.

-I miss porn a lot, still. But I know why I am doing this. Porn images and scenes still pop up in my mind, trying to seduce me. I cannot always dismiss them, but try just not to dwell on them, or to give some abstract meaning to these thoughts. That is all I can do.

-Have morning wood pretty much every morning, but always had it as far as I can remember. Not really having issues regarding ED, but have a very low libido because of my porn consumption. After 40 days I still have it. I do not feel like approaching my wife for sex. She always takes the initiative. I hope to cure this ridiculously low libido, but - perhaps surprisingly in the context of this forum - it is not my main goal.

-My main goal is getting rid of my social awkwardness. It really bothers me in pretty much all aspects of my life, especially in my work. I have a prestigious job, but not getting the most out of it due to my social anxiety. Nothing has changed in that department after 40 days.

-Overall, I feel very committed and really do everything I can to avoid content that might trigger me. Walked past a sex shop the day before yesterday (I work in Amsterdam (Netherlands), the city is littered with them), did not turn my head to watch all the sexy posters in the window. Then I knew I was on the right path.

-I have M'ed 4 times during the last 40 days. Had real sex 4 times, so O every 5 days on average. Maybe this is too often, maybe I can do without it. Maybe not adhering to a total celibate is slowing my progress. But I don't beat myself up because of it. What is O'ing once every 5 days compared to once or twice a day? What is fapping 4 minutes to release the pressure each 10 days compared to edging on porn for 45 minutes each day?  IT IS NOT GOOD, but it is huge progress still.Planned a 14 day hard mode streak, of which 4 days have past now.

-Apart from the moral ease of not being involved in porn, not noticing real progress so far. Sorry for being so negative about it, but I have to write it down for later in the process, as I think it is important to have a detailed account for later review. Perhaps I will notice improvements in the future. I hope it will not demotivate anyone who reads my thread.
So, none of the typical symptoms and improvements apply to me so far, I think that everything I thought that I noticed so far was mainly due to the infamous placebo effect. it went with ups and downs. It is not a linear progress. No flatline, no feeling like I can talk to anyone, no increased confidence.

-Mood has been low in general. Sometimes it was ok. It has more to do with life circumstances than with the no-PMO thing, I think.

-Some things have changed though, on the cognitive level. It feels good not to be a silly wanker, and I have more 'hunter' spirit, if you know what I mean. I think that girls subconciously notice that. But that is just a thought. Not a fact. 

- I realize that I am not there yet. No matter how demotivated I am at times, I really want to give this a chance, because all the science behind the negative aspects of watching porn makes perfect sense to me. I believe in this cause, and have nothing to lose.

Ready for the next 50 days.


Thanks everyone for reading and posting on my thread. I appreciate it!

 

[ominoreeg]

Wonderful summary, Europe1. Very insightful as well.

Very impressive so far, especially being committed. I am committed too, but now and then I feel a deep, primal desire to let go. In those cases, I have no strength to fight the images in my head. It is dangerous, and due to a lack of mental discipline. One of the nights this week I drank a lot and got involved in a silly, needlessly heated argument with one of my best friends. I feel this is due to lacking an outlet at the moment. Do you have anything that you would describe as an outlet?

We talked about the anxiety thing before. I don't think feeling socially awkward will automatically go away from porn abstinence. But I do believe that one of the prime reasons for doubting yourself will go away, and that it will be easier to go over the threshold of approach anxiety. I don't want to rain on your parade, but that will be a battle in itself: the good thing is that I do believe the reboot is an unmissable, essential step there. I have kind of the same situation, because I don't like my job much, but I have this irrational fear of involving myself in the whole process of looking and applying for jobs again. So look who's talking. But the only way to confront the fear is to at some point start doing the feared things. It is a fear of being judged and of rejection, and as much as I hate what I'm about to say, I think to only way to overcome that is by exposing yourself to it.

Anyway, your rational views appeal to me a lot. Thanks for writing down what's in your head, it helps me. That goes for everybody here, by the way. Finding this forum is the best thing that happened to me in quite some time.

 

[Europe1]

Thanks a lot for your post Nick, it has been a great read again.

About wanting to let it go for a bit... (just read your thread as well), I have the same thing. Especially this morning it is insane. Just hanging around on the couch with my tablet.. a tricky situation. Going to wash my car after writing this message, just to find some distraction. I need it!!

Went into 'hard mode' some days ago, to speed up my recovery. My goal is not O'ing until at least Monday, March 23. Most of the hardcore rebooters recommend it, so I thought I should give it a go as well. However, I am so damn horny now that I feel like exploding. This cannot be good either, I think, because my urges to watch porn are skyrocketing right now. I just want to take a quick look, but I won't. I can't let that happen.

When it comes to the social anxiety, Nick, I agree that that is a problem in itself. Still, after reading some scientific papers I am confident that rebooting will contribute to mitigating this annoying feature of my personality.

Day 41.

As mentioned above, I am having a hard time staying true to my goals. Thoughts of nasty girls dominate all my thoughts, no matter what I do. It is crazy.

 

[Europe1]

Day 42.

I was close to giving up several times yesterday.
Went into 'hard mode' some days ago, so not fapping or anything else. Why someone would recommend this, I don't know... I don't want to discourage others to pursue this strategy, but U strongly feel that it doesn't work for me personally.

I am going on a business trip on Wednesday. Yesterday I have been looking up strip clubs near my hotel and visited 2 of their websites. Although there was no explicit nudity, there were some sexy images.

I stopped it after 2 minutes or so, but it doesn't feel good. I am just too horny due to lack of release. Mind is obsessed with sex and porn memories. So I am wondering what causes more damage: quickly fapping now and then, or being in this explosive state for days.I suspect it is the latter.

This weekend was by far the hardest so far.. Keep you updated.

 

[ominoreeg]

Hah well, there is a reason this reboot thing does not have absolute rules. It is because it works differently for everybody. For me, I think that in general, O just makes me want more, which is why I feel safer without it at the moment. But I had to resort to it once during the reboot, because I built up urges and I just had to relieve the pressure. So, if you feel that all what it between you and relapse is a some relieve in the form of O, for god's sake get it over with and be quick about it ;D

 

[Europe1]

You are right, Nick, thanks, was just ventilating my bad mood I guess. Anyway. I will be off for a couple of days due to a planned trip abroad.

I hope I will continue writing at dat 49, without having watched any P. All the best to you all!

 

[Europe1]

Hi all,

Back to 0 as of 1 week ago (day 43). Relapsed about 7 times ever since. Will have to get my act together and start over.
Will get back to you soon, I hope.

Best,
Europe1

 

[fapfreezone]

Don't forget that brain changes are more important than days counted, so that long PMO free streak is still there and still a good thing.