Towards better dreams

[Ontrack Man]

I think I'll start a journal.  I've away from PMO for a week, and my dreams are getting hornier and weirder.  I guess my mind is just wanting to vent. For me it's a good sign, cuz it's like my brain is feeling some kind of effects already. 

I used to masturbate almost everyday, and a lot days I did it 3 or even 4 times a day.  When I was bored, anxious, horny... I had/have a lot of triggers with pictures that come up in articles and blogs.

First time I tried, I relapsed in day 4, now i'm giving it another go and want to make it to at leas 5 months. I'm not sure why 150 days, it just seems like i'll be a completely new and better person.  This is  a personal challenge for me, I want to know I can better myself, and there isn't something outside or inside that is controlling me.

Anyway, I'm naming this blog "better dreams" because I dream of enjoying a healthier and more pleasurable sex life with a girl.  I've been hooking up with dudes mostly for the last couple of years.  The name also comes from this first change I've been seeing, through sexual dreams.  I usually dream a lot, but not erotic dreams. Last night a kid was involved, it was weird having that mixed up with arousal. 

Oh well, the unconscious mind can be wacky sometimes.  Let's see how things evolve!  If you have any questions for me, or comments, be sure to post.


I'll try to keep it honest and updated.  Cheers!

 

[Alejandro]

Hi Ontrack Man,

I know what you mean.

There is this book "Women running with wolves", by Pinkola. It is kind of a women psychology treaty. It is interesting because it was written for women by a woman, and mixes Jung's psychology with some kind of ancient wisdom. It has interesting insights also for men, for human psychology. Certainly not the usual science-like treaty, but with a lot of mind opening resources, good questions without the naiveness you often see around. 

I bring it about because I've been having dreams, too, and Pinkola's insights are helping me to find some sense out of it, or at least to have points of reference to go about them. I'll tell you some pieces I can remember of... let this be my focus today. BTW, thank you for giving me an excuse to write. I've been lurking for a while but never felt like writing.   

Some dreams are strategies of the predator. The predator is that part of us that prevents us to be free. In our case our predator uses our addiction to slave us. Therefore some of those dreams are there to trick us back. The predator won?t leave... is part of human experience. With the predator is not about "hating him" or "killing him", but rather "isolating him". Knowing he is there without paying him attention. I picture it as what family would do with a crazy uncle... yeah, he is there, he wont leave, he is crazy, but he is harmless.

Other dreams are expressions of our savage nature. Savage nature is, well.. all that is animal in us, which is deeply connected with nature. Everything we are under our "civilized" lifestyle. Pinkola says these dreams are there to help us remember, to help us waking up, to connect us with our deeper being. This dreams could be about kids or old people... where that kid or that old people is your inner you or your "family-like" connections with your more real self.

So yes, as you say, dreams are actually a good indicator. Although they are certainly a confusing piece of machinery. 

I have dreamt also about me, dying. Might be the most scarier of dreams, but I think its kind of a natural dream on rebooting days. I think it is about the process of letting go. Could be the natural fear that some part of me (the one that is addicted, the predator in disguise) feels because it has not my energy anymore.

Other dreams are just a mix of things, where I can see different pieces of what I told you. Often they end up as nightmares. I think about the scary ending as a message. Like something in me shaking myself encouraging me to keep there, to keep hanging, to keep going.

So that might be the prize... having ourselves back. Whatever that means.



 

 

[Ontrack Man]

Hey,

It's an honor to be able to inspire you to write.  I'll try to post something almost everyday, either here or somewhere else, it keeps me busy, motivated, informed and connected to others.

I actually do know that book, I've bought it as a gift a couple of times to women but never really read it myself.  Thanks for the info, I think that idea of "predator" is interesting... know your enemy, in a way. Keep it close.

I've been really horny all day, I used to jack off so often that I'm not used to feeling this way, and it's barely been a week.  Isn't there's supposed to be a flatline at some point?  I've read other entries of guys who go in and out of flatline, just wishing for their desire to go away so they can keep active and focused again. 

It's weird because my sexual thoughts are going towards a different direction that when I PMO'd, it seems like there a "true self" that is rebirthing in me... that's just the goal that I want to reach.

So yeah, having ourselves back can be the best prize I can think of.  And those dreams about dying... maybe are a kind of metaphor, like something dying inside of you (something you don't want), your addiction, loneliness, emptiness... that will help you evolve.

Cheers.

 

[ortegaso]

Hi Ontrack Man,

...It's weird because my sexual thoughts are going towards a different direction that when I PMO'd, it seems like there a "true self" that is rebirthing in me... that's just the goal that I want to reach...

Rebirth.. Yes, that the exact word when you start to reboot. But one thing I would like to share from my personal experience. I use this carrot and stick approach for my reboot. Although I have made it to 20 days without PMO, I want to pull on to a greater number of days. Each day the reward gets sweeter. My goal is very distant and big. Due to which, I am not gonna stop the reboot anytime soon.
And yes it is weird, because the way our brain circuits are wired and re-wired is unique for each one of us. For me, this being my 12th reboot attempt, I got to experience the flatline for the first time in life after I stopped watching P stuff. Flatline comes at different times for different people. you can read my post/journal on what all I went thru in past 20 days.

All the best buddy! You will succeed!!

 

[Ontrack Man]

I had a really strong trigger just a few minutes ago, I was about to say "fuck it",  but i've read some success stories and they kept me right on track.

I'm gonna go to bed soon, I think my dreams will be intense tonight, my brain has stuff to unload.  I might have made it more difficult for it to reboot, but the goal is the same and I want the benefits to keep on coming.

I told my ex-girlfriend about the porn addiction, she was really supportive and understanding, like i'd thought she would be.  I know i can count on her if I'm in trouble or about to relapse.  She'll help me get through this just like all the other guys I read about here will.

I've been PMO free since day 12th, 10 days it's not much but it feels like months without an O .  I feel like i'm ready to have an O by myself, MO with no fantasy or think of something real, at least just to get some release, but deep down I think I'm just cheating myself. 

I want to make it to at least 3 months without O, 5 months without MO, and a lifetime without P.

 

[Ontrack Man]

So here I am, 12 days of reboot.  It seems like so much more though.  Hehe.

I haven't felt flatline yet, I might open a thread asking if everyone feels it at the beginning of their reboot.  Sometimes my thoughts are "what's the harm of one wank?", "it's fun anyway, " "I feel so much better already".  But it's a trick, I don't feel all that better, and it might be fun to do to once every couple weeks, but AFTER I reboot. It's the reason why I started this process, and the harm is that I can't get with a girl and I've obsessed with guys.

Lately, I've been having having strong fantasies -daydreams- these past few days, they get my going and maybe that's why I haven't entered flatline. I try to acknowledge P substitutes when I see them, on my computer or in my head.

What helps me the most to keep on going is thinking of the goal, the benefits I'll have in the end when I get through all of this.  I am convinced it is 200% worth it.

 

[Ontrack Man]

Hey people,

I've been having some tough days lately.  day 14 today, I've never been so long without an O.  It seems like anything is a trigger for me. 

I am rebirthing though, I'm getting turned on by images of girls that did nothing for me months and years back.

I've been edging today, I kept my fantasies "real": real people, real situations... I felt I had to discharge somehow, it's an impulse hard to fight. I know I wouldn't be that hard if I didn't have an addiction. Sometimes I still like to question myself if it's really that bad, if I really need to go through this.

I read read read read read and read more posts, articles, messages... they keep me distracted and focused on a goal. At least t helps pass the time.

It's worse when I'm home alone, when my flatmate works the nights the urges get really strong. Like tonight.  I'm gonna have some dinner, watch a show and head to bed early.

Also, I think I need to go back to the gym, I haven't been able to all week cuz i've been busy and I think the effect really shows.

Take care!

 

[Ontrack Man]

Hey,

I didn't want to go to bed today without writing a couple of lines.  I had another fantasy dream, not wet cuz I never O in my dreams but it's weird to think that I never used to have erotic dreams before.

I see these as ways my mind has to vent, I've been so immersed in P that my brain can't go without it, so it's getting its way while I'm asleep and "vulnerable".  This was was not really enjoyable, only parts of it, I had a bittersweet sensation.  I edged a little  bit, it's been  two weeks without an O , (and without PMO), this is new in my life.

Tomorrow I'm heading back to the gym, since I couldn't last week, I know it'll help. I'm gonna exercise often and take it more seriously from now on.  I can't wait till 30 days have passed.

 

[ortegaso]

Keeping one self totally occupied is the best way to get rid of "old" habits.
Gym is good. And yes 30 days will pass too!!
Good luck to you!

 

[Ontrack Man]

I'm gonna make through my first month, it's a great achievement for me.  Never in my life have been so long without O, that I can remember. I told my best friend and roommate about my addiction, and she's been totally supportive and interested.  She's addicted to nicotine so she can relate.

I read in another journal about this guy that had a technique where he could get an  without even unbuttoning his pants.  Ouch, that hurt me, because I used to do the same thing, with family members in the other room.  I have had to convince myself that I really do have a problem, soon i'll write a list of them.

 

[Ontrack Man]

I'll start making a list of negatives about my addiction and the consequences I've had in my life.


I felt so "macho" and proud of having a strong sex drive, of "having" to orgasm almost everyday. I thought it was a manly trait in me, but really it was the addiction.

I would do it whenever I had a trigger (I didn't even know that's what it was), I would read an erotic story, watch you tube videos, sexy FB images...  and I thought orgasms could not harm me, only do me good.

I would do it even if it was an inappropriate time, if family member or friends were around the house. 

I mastered edging because I did it so often that I didn't want to ejaculate, just feel the rush of excitement.

I would force myself to have an O even if my arousal had diminished, even disappeared, even if I was limp, I would keep going until I felt an O.  I forced myself to reach climax because if I stopped before I would feel it wasn't worth it, I would be frustrated, disappointed and thought that only an O would make for the loss of arousal.

I am able of PMO just rubbing my pants, with some pixel images, frantically in case I didn't have time to unbutton or was afraid of being caught.

I thought I could "quit anytime I wanted", which of course I found not to be true, until I admitted to myself I have an addiction.

My porn interests have become more aggressive and humiliating. But since I  find it a turn off for a woman to endure this, I have switched to gay porn, "'cause guys can take it".  This in turn, has made me practice gay sex, and have been in a relationship with a guy, but not ever really feeling confortable enough to give myself to that person or relationship.

I have been to weird fetish parties where I really didn't belong, searching for that rush.

I have disconnected from real pleasurable sex, feeling of union with another person, allowing myself to enjoy sensations for what they are instead of searching for a goal: climax.

It has reached a point where I have not been really interested in girls, because they don't give me the "high/rush" I feel when I PMO. I can't find the excitement, forbidden, fetish, arousal sensation I get in P.  Now that I'm almost a month into reboot, I find myself catching glances at women's bodies, showing interest in them physically, and thinking about being with them sexually and in a relationship.

Once I got raped because I got carried away by the excitement of a dating app chat, and when I met up with the guy I stopped being aroused but still I couldn't find the way of saying no and telling him to leave. It was just an uncomfortable, boring, pleasureless encounter, but I don't think it left any emotional or physical scars. I just feel sad I couldn't ask for what I wanted, didn't even know what I wanted, and stand up for myself and for meaningful, pleasurable sex.

I've used MO to fall asleep at night, wake up in the morning, stop feeling bored, stop feeling anxious, stop feeling alone, accept myself more, prove to myself I can have an erection...

I have PMO'd right after I PMO'd just because I found another image that I liked.

Instead of knowing myself and my sexuality better through M, it has stripped my from my desire, sexuality, and completely distanced me of what I like in another human being.

After PMO I have felt empty, lonely, useless, guilty.  But still did it again and again.

I have had to PMO even after having satisfying sex.

Sometimes I preferred to PMO than to have breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Now I don't even know what really turns me on.


That's all I can think of for now, I'm sure there are more. Anyone is welcome to chip in with their own conclusions. In the near future I want to make a list of positives associated with rebooting.

Good news for me, day 22 and I feel I've entered flatline! Nice to see some change.


Buena vida y buenas noches.

 

[Ontrack Man]

1 month no PMO !  Ever since I started PMO , i've never been so long without it.  I feel great, a sense of accomplishment that I haven't had before.

It took me a while but I finally got to flatline. It took me a while, and finally I'm getting withdrawal symptoms.  Anxiety i've never felt before, feeling like crying all the time... what a weird sensation. I guess this means I really do have an addiction , like it says on YBOP.  I still have to convince myself about that, take it seriously.

I've been edging for two days, no P though.  Today I had an O, didn't feel that great.  It even felt kind of useless and empty afterwards.
Yesterday I was surprised to find I couldn't even get a complete erection.  Part of the process, I want to get through all of this to be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

[Ontrack Man]

I'm learning now about HOCD and how it has affected me.  I've been interested in images of guys for the longest time, I can't even recall.  And I've had the escalating interest in stranger, more intense P over the years.  It's like my sexual orientation "changed".  I'v never felt gay, but i've "come out" to my family and friends even, introducing them to a boyfriend I had.  But I've always had the feeling that that life wasn't for me, that I can't really fall in love or be confortable in a relationship with a guy.

 

[Ontrack Man]

I'm starting to have urges to fap, just to sensation alone. I know there's nothing intrinsically wrong with that but I can't get a full erection and it's not really that pleasurable when I O (I've done it twice in the pas weeks), so I really would prefer to control my urges better.


I think I'm leaving flatline, but i'm not sure.  I hope it stays a bit longer though, it would make things easier.

 

[Ontrack Man]

I've been busy writing posts and getting in touch online with people with the same problems.  I did start to MO to sensation alone... before long I MO'd 3 times in one day, and the day after I went back to having meaningless sex... and feeling awful afterwards.

So I'm stronger, wiser now, ready for the fight back to hard mode for some time.  I thought one month without O's was good enough!  Hahah what a fool.  It a really awesome month, it was great going so long without an O, never donde that before.  But now it is time to discover what other benefits I get from not having a O in three months.  Then I'll decide if I want to go on like that or make some changes.

Also I have discovered that I really do have HOCD, so my reboot will be much harder that I thought. So I started another journal to address this.  Still having strange dreams.... the other night it just hugging someone was arousing.


Starting the good weather in Madrid... it's gonna be easier to start trying out those cold showers !

 

[Ontrack Man]

Thanks so much for your your post and advice.  I will take it into consideration.  Now that I am dusting myself off again I will renew my strength and I might take it one month at a time.  I hope that in three months I will be a semi-new man and by 5 months I will be ready to take on new goals in my life, such as a partner.  I need a strong mind for that, it will be a long process and I feel I am only beginning now, but o well.  I have all my life ahead of me.

Big hug.

 

[Ontrack Man]

yeah, I guess you are right.  I have learned a lot these last months, I am different and better. 

I really don't care much about the counter. my new attitude is one day at a time, every hour every minute counts.  No long term goals , just live a good present.

Big hug