Relapsed..time to refocus

[ChangeNow]

Well I relapsed. I made it to 55 days which is good, but time to recommit to the process. I can see the steps that led me astray. Home alone gets the better of me, again! I found out last night that my wife would be gone tonight and started to have those thoughts. I really didn't think about it today, I really didn't plan on it I was going to spend the evening drawing to keep my mind focused.

I tried to draw but couldn't get into it. Instead the computer called. With all the attention that movie that came out last week has been getting on the news I was getting tempted to find out more about it. Mistake!

Reading about that movie did it. Before I knew It I was searching for things again. It was like a trance. I was aware that I shouldn't, but couldn't stop myself. That little voice in my head saying "just one time, it won't change anything, I can stop after one more time.

I sure wish that I was stronger man. I got that hit of adrenaline and away went all the progress I made. Now I feel like crap.  30 plus years of porn addiction just doesn't go away over night.

I need to remember how I feel now. I need to pick myself off of the mat and fight harder. I will make it to 90 days and beyond. I deserve better than this.

 

[Chile]

ChangeNow,

I'm sorry for how you're feeling, but don't fall for those crappy emotions. It may feel like you knocked over 55 dominoes with one careless move, but you are winning the war despite losing today's battle. Let go of the last 55 days and be inspired by them. Go back to believing that porn is not an option and remember that even now you are getting rid of it from your life. You only feel like you've lost so much because of all the gains you've made. Get off the "number" and get back on your soul train. Peace brother!

 

[Curtis]

ChangeNow--55 days is not "lost" with one relapse; cut yourself some slack here, or (as Chile suggests), your wallowy emotions and evaporated self-esteem, will bring you down even further. The winner in this? You. Through your honesty--which is a great gift of this forum, it allows for total honesty, if you let it--and you're letting it. That's the key to any recovery, because half-measures, fail. So...you found out about that movie (clearly, like porn, it does the trick). But you found out more about yourself, and can be more vigilant next time relapse stands in the doorway and waves hello to you. Look the other way. For specifics....avoid being alone, if you have to,I've the computer someplace else, call a friend, whatever it takes. We've learned PMO as a way of
Life forever. Unlearning it...also takes a lifetime. Great that you fessed up; all you have to do is live PMO-free the rest of today. Curtis

 

[notgivinup]

ChangeNow...

thank you for your honest post.

I like what Chile wrote: Get off the "number" and get back on your soul train.

It would be easy to look at that number and feel discouraged....but the fact is, you are winning and you are moving toward freedom.

You know where another trigger is, and you are even more aware of it now. You can put a plan in place to keep from getting near those.

I have let slips keep me in a shame spiral that kept me in isolation....but you have come here and are connecting. I'm inspired by that.

I'm glad you are here and glad you are continuing on the journey out.

PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ChangeNow]

Thanks for the positive words. I feel a lot better today. I am moving on still confident that I can do it. Thinking about it I realized that it is a long journey and this is just a bump in the road. So true that we have trained ourselves to view porn and it is not easy to change old habits. I just need to keep doing my new better habits.