Confused.... It's been a while, and life seems too normal

[toofat]

So, I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. For good reason too. I've been super busy, and life has just been so normal. And I'm starting to feel like things are a little too normal.


I don't know how other people's reboot are going around the three month mark, but that's where we stand so far. Aside from what seemed to be an obvious flat line at about the one month mark, and some temptation around the 2 month mark, there doesn't seem to be anything going on in our lives porn or reboot related. I suppose this should be a huge relief to me but...


But I can't help but wonder if porn was really the problem all along. All of the signs were there. All of my stories fell right into place with so many others.
But I can't help but wonder if things are different for my husband because he's gone months before without porn. Will that factor change things in his timeline? Does it mean the struggles may come at a much later point for him since he's tried a few times before, and can make it this far... it's just going further that should be watched?
But I can't help but wonder if it's all a lie and he's just smarter about hiding things.


Our lives have changed in the last 3 weeks. We now have an exchange student living with us. Is this serving as enough of a distraction that there's not enough time for porn to even enter his mind?


We were trying to have a baby for a while, and I got into the habit of recording each time we had sex. Even though we put off trying to conceive a child, I still retain the habit. The frequency of sex dropped here and there, and I didn't push it. One thing that I wanted out of all of this is to have intimacy back in our lives. I wanted it to be easy again, and not an effort or struggle. I wanted to stop feeling like, "I just have more of a drive than him." And most importantly, I simply wanted him to have a drive. I wanted him to, from time to time, simply just feel the need, or lust of wanting to feel the feel of having sex with me. I wanted him to enjoy it, desire it... and in turn desire me. I haven't felt that in years, and I still don't even now.
Sure, when we have sex most of the time he seems to be overcome with pleasure while in the final moments-sometimes even throughout the act, and that makes me feel so complete to know that it's me causing him to feel that. But for the most part, I still feel like he sees sex as a chore, and that hurts so deeply.


I really thought that by rebooting and giving up porn he would eventually begin to... be the one who initiates. And do so because it's a want, need, drive, whatever that comes solely from himself and not in order to appease me and my desires, wants or drives. It's been three months, and I still don't feel like this is the case. I'm worried that this will never be the case. And I can't help but wonder... This is a deeply rooted need of mine. I don't think I can ever feel completely satisfied unless this need is fulfilled. If even kicking porn doesn't change his feelings about sex/intimacy with me, will anything ever do it?


As I sit here typing this out, I recall the first couple of weeks after the start of his reboot. It was like a honeymoon period. He would reach out for me and touch me at the most random moments, and it seemed that it was just for the sake of connection. He was more prone to caressing me whenever the mood struck, and giving me those sexy little smiles that said he was thinking of something naughty, or those sweet little smiles that said he was just simply thinking of me. That period was fleeting though. As soon as the first flatline came along he was mopey and irritable and withdrawn all at the same time. He never seemed to bounce back to the state of high affection, even if his mood did improve.


Part of me is just wishing and hoping that he relapsed and simply doesn't want to tell me, because that would mean there is still the potential for change. It's like, if that were the case I could forgive him and we could try again, and I could feel secure in knowing that our marriage isn't over yet. Part of me is scared to death that this is just the norm. Just how it is and how it always will be. And I know... I know that I can't live like that and I have to make the hardest move of my life in order to end things... because I won't do that to myself. I won't live in a marriage where I'm not satisfied.






I'm not going to lie, I know that the likelihood of me logging on again for a long while is pretty low. This isn't something that is always at the forefront of my mind these days, so I'm not constantly itching to get my thoughts and feelings out. I'm not posting this because I'm looking for support, encouragement, feed back, or reflections. I'm posting this because I feel like it's time for an update, and I thought maybe... just maybe, one day someone else may be in the same place I am right now, and they might find comfort in knowing that they aren't the only one.

 

[Steam rolled]

Nice to hear back from you.

Just a thought ide like to suggest between my obsessive thinking,research and talking with my husband
It seems as we have suffered trauma in all this i also feel men have also and that doesn't just begin with the discovery ,the shame and guilt,withdrawals.
I think it really hits at the flat line period and becomes not only trauma but then performance anxiety. and the 2 is not a good cocktail + stopping PMO.

I don't now what help this maybe or if im even right about it, but just something i have seen as very possible and they then lose there desire because they think
they are failures.

Good luck and continue to be strong !!!

 

[chickaboomski]

Everything you just wrote, is my fear of starting this journey with my partner. I read Gracies post of her supeemancipation and how they are closer than ever and getting a new way to handle it advised and I glimmer at the hope her story gave me. But. I dread the opposite just as your story suggest. the lack of effection and intimacy makes me not want to even tackle it. I have found some deep rooted rejection issues with myself that makes me not want to even try and save us. To speak up. I am right at the beggining of the journey. And overwhelmed with fear. I am reaching out just to let you know, I get it. We need it, and it's not a huge ask. It's not being demanding or unreasonable to want to feel love and affection in the physical rehlms of a relationship. To want that spark. That passion. best of luck on your journey, whatever you decide.

 

[Gracie]

Chick,
Do not get me wrong, this all did not happen all at once.  It took time.  Do not be fearful of asking for what makes you feel secure, I say that because for us, the big issue is trust.  So identifying what makes you feel secure, helps you trust.  Everyday we had the exact same routine.  At first it was very hard to touch each other.  Once I knew I needed it, I did it anyway.  He got ugly about it.  (remember the disconnect) I did it anyway.  I kept telling myself and him, "I love you anyway."  He was like someone I did not know.  Then slowly he came back.  I never thought I would have to fight video images to get my husband back.  Or objectification to get my husband back.  or as you say, my own fears to get my husband back.

But this got us talking about the family dynamics when we were raised and how we were the non-confronters of the family that were rejected because we made no noise.  We did not demand it.  So now we make noise by talking things out.  He says he feels the difference in him.  I see the difference.  A little at a time.

Each step forward is in the right the direction, each two steps backward are steps that mean we are working on it.  Once the old patterns break, all the steps will be forward.

I kept a little notepad with a cover in my purse and wrote in it.  I remember writing numerous times, I think he finally gets it.  Now he does.

 

[toofat]

Update: it's been well over a year since the the start of my husband's reboot. Not a lot has changed in our relationship dynamic, but I notice I don't question him but maybe once a month when I'm feeling insecure. When that day or two passes him watching porn is almost never on my mind. It's a relief that it's not constantly eating at me any more.

We still have sex very infrequently, but it is almost always a mutual thing. I'm so weighed down with school that I'm just exhausted after 8-12 hour days and a 3 hour drive. When we do have sex, he doesn't last that long, and honestly it makes me happy because it feels genuine.

I know not lasting long has been bothering him a lot and I feel like it contributes greatly to his lack of motivation for sexual intimacy. This is often the only reason relapse pops into my mind.

Over all, I'm hopeful.