celticpunk
New Member
Hi all,
I posted early in my reboot, but thought it was time to officially set up a journal. I'm currently around day 42 of no porn, though I did have an extremely brief M and O incident around day 12, but I didn't actually look at porn. To keep it short, I was hungover in a hotel room alone and was considering overriding K-9 on my phone. I panicked and decided it was best if I just masturbated to orgasm (I know probably not the best option), but it all happened quickly and I managed to stay away from actually looking at porn though, which at the time I took as a small victory. I haven't masturbated since and have only reached orgasm via sex with my wife since then. I should mention I was worried that I might experience the chaser effect after my wife and I had sex during my reboot, but it didn't end up being a problem for me. The sex was great and I felt closer to my wife than I had in a while. I definitely noticed that I was much more in tune with her without the porn clogging up the background.
In any case, I'll try to briefly sum up my story. I'm 39 years old, married with an amazing 3 year old son. Like many folks I started masturbating around 11 or 12, initially to a Masters & Johnson sex education book I think my mom had lying around the house from when she was in college. My parents separated around this time and there was a lot of dysfunction in the family at large (alcoholism, emotional abuse). I definitely used masturbation and porn (albeit analog like mags and a few VHS tapes) as an escape from the stresses of family life. A few years later, my mom died of cancer when I was 14. I moved in with Dad and discovered his porn stash, which included extensive magazines as well as VHS tapes. Growing up in a single parent house as a teenager, I took full advantage of access to these materials and masturbated nearly daily throughout most of my teen years.
I didn't first really explore internet porn until I was out of college in my early 20s. While I didn't have regular access, I would binge whenever I did and had some privacy. I became more obsessed with it though and craved more access. Unfortunately, I eventually ended up using at work (even right before my initial reboot 40+ days ago), but surprisingly was never caught. I of course would binge while at work and then feel guilty and stop for a bit. But, the urge to view and explore would overtake me and I would again binge.
I've only had a few serious relationships before I started dating my wife in 1999. I'm definitely more of an introverted, shy type and have lacked much in the way of self-confidence. When we met I wasn't really looking at internet porn with any regularity so sex was always great and enjoyable. But, I continued to masturbate with porn regularly even during our relationship. Once we moved in together and we got access to high speed internet I definitely watched porn a lot more. Surprisingly, I have only had a few instances of porn-induced ED since my wife and I have been together. But, I will say there have been streaks (pre-children no less) where we weren't having much sex. I can say now I just wasn't interested as I was getting all my sexual satisfaction from porn.
I started seeing a therapist about a year ago before I was even thinking I had an addiction. My wife and I had talked about me needing to have someone to talk with about my tumultuous childhood and to develop better communication skills. I told my therapist about my addiction about a week into my reboot and she has been amazingly supportive. While porn addiction is not her specialty, she has been quite helpful in providing insights and advice. I've also found great insights from the book, The Porn Trap.
I have yet to tell my wife about my battle with the addiction. While I know it's the honest and open thing to do, I'm scared about her reaction and of course ashamed of the addiction. I know I just need to man up and tell her so that I can continue to work on our relationship and use that as a point of focus to redirect away from thoughts of porn. She deserves to have full honesty from me and this is obviously critical to building true intimacy with her.
Stress has been high at work and at home lately so I'm definitely feeling more urges than I have had in a while. I've just been focusing on letting the thoughts come and then redirecting my brain to another task at hand. On the plus side, I've had at least three instances where I've been home alone for anywhere from an hour to three hours and have remained PMO free in all instances. I've always been relatively active so I've just started exercising more regularly/intensely and have also started to dip my toes in meditating for 10 min. a day. I think the meditation will definitely help me be more in control of how to deal with the urges and the intense emotions/reactions that can trigger the urges to use porn. I'm lucky in that being married in a two working parent home with a toddler at home results in quite a busy life for me. I rarely have much in the way of free/unstructured time by myself. Now that I have blocks on my work computer and phone, the possibility of relapsing is hopefully more difficult.
Anyways, that's the basic gist of my story. It's been incredibly helpful to read about others' successes and stumbles on this board as well as those on YBOP and Yourbrainrebalanced. My next goal is to get an accountability partner and potentially think about attending an SA meeting or something similar so I can start to build out a support group. I welcome thoughts and feedback from folks. Here's to a better life for all of us!
I posted early in my reboot, but thought it was time to officially set up a journal. I'm currently around day 42 of no porn, though I did have an extremely brief M and O incident around day 12, but I didn't actually look at porn. To keep it short, I was hungover in a hotel room alone and was considering overriding K-9 on my phone. I panicked and decided it was best if I just masturbated to orgasm (I know probably not the best option), but it all happened quickly and I managed to stay away from actually looking at porn though, which at the time I took as a small victory. I haven't masturbated since and have only reached orgasm via sex with my wife since then. I should mention I was worried that I might experience the chaser effect after my wife and I had sex during my reboot, but it didn't end up being a problem for me. The sex was great and I felt closer to my wife than I had in a while. I definitely noticed that I was much more in tune with her without the porn clogging up the background.
In any case, I'll try to briefly sum up my story. I'm 39 years old, married with an amazing 3 year old son. Like many folks I started masturbating around 11 or 12, initially to a Masters & Johnson sex education book I think my mom had lying around the house from when she was in college. My parents separated around this time and there was a lot of dysfunction in the family at large (alcoholism, emotional abuse). I definitely used masturbation and porn (albeit analog like mags and a few VHS tapes) as an escape from the stresses of family life. A few years later, my mom died of cancer when I was 14. I moved in with Dad and discovered his porn stash, which included extensive magazines as well as VHS tapes. Growing up in a single parent house as a teenager, I took full advantage of access to these materials and masturbated nearly daily throughout most of my teen years.
I didn't first really explore internet porn until I was out of college in my early 20s. While I didn't have regular access, I would binge whenever I did and had some privacy. I became more obsessed with it though and craved more access. Unfortunately, I eventually ended up using at work (even right before my initial reboot 40+ days ago), but surprisingly was never caught. I of course would binge while at work and then feel guilty and stop for a bit. But, the urge to view and explore would overtake me and I would again binge.
I've only had a few serious relationships before I started dating my wife in 1999. I'm definitely more of an introverted, shy type and have lacked much in the way of self-confidence. When we met I wasn't really looking at internet porn with any regularity so sex was always great and enjoyable. But, I continued to masturbate with porn regularly even during our relationship. Once we moved in together and we got access to high speed internet I definitely watched porn a lot more. Surprisingly, I have only had a few instances of porn-induced ED since my wife and I have been together. But, I will say there have been streaks (pre-children no less) where we weren't having much sex. I can say now I just wasn't interested as I was getting all my sexual satisfaction from porn.
I started seeing a therapist about a year ago before I was even thinking I had an addiction. My wife and I had talked about me needing to have someone to talk with about my tumultuous childhood and to develop better communication skills. I told my therapist about my addiction about a week into my reboot and she has been amazingly supportive. While porn addiction is not her specialty, she has been quite helpful in providing insights and advice. I've also found great insights from the book, The Porn Trap.
I have yet to tell my wife about my battle with the addiction. While I know it's the honest and open thing to do, I'm scared about her reaction and of course ashamed of the addiction. I know I just need to man up and tell her so that I can continue to work on our relationship and use that as a point of focus to redirect away from thoughts of porn. She deserves to have full honesty from me and this is obviously critical to building true intimacy with her.
Stress has been high at work and at home lately so I'm definitely feeling more urges than I have had in a while. I've just been focusing on letting the thoughts come and then redirecting my brain to another task at hand. On the plus side, I've had at least three instances where I've been home alone for anywhere from an hour to three hours and have remained PMO free in all instances. I've always been relatively active so I've just started exercising more regularly/intensely and have also started to dip my toes in meditating for 10 min. a day. I think the meditation will definitely help me be more in control of how to deal with the urges and the intense emotions/reactions that can trigger the urges to use porn. I'm lucky in that being married in a two working parent home with a toddler at home results in quite a busy life for me. I rarely have much in the way of free/unstructured time by myself. Now that I have blocks on my work computer and phone, the possibility of relapsing is hopefully more difficult.
Anyways, that's the basic gist of my story. It's been incredibly helpful to read about others' successes and stumbles on this board as well as those on YBOP and Yourbrainrebalanced. My next goal is to get an accountability partner and potentially think about attending an SA meeting or something similar so I can start to build out a support group. I welcome thoughts and feedback from folks. Here's to a better life for all of us!