utter_cosmic_stuffs
New Member
I've been addicted to porn since I was about 12 years old. I became a very horny kid around 11 or so and was always up late waiting for nude scenes in movies on HBO etc. Just seeing bare breasts drove me wild. After a year or two of that, I discovered a pornographic movie in my step-fathers closet when no one was home (i was a nosy little bastard hounding to see skin). I popped it in and what showed up on the screen made me feel a way that I could never forget. My jaw dropped and from that day I have been extremely addicted to pornography.
I had a long term girlfriend from 13 to about 16, then after that it was girlfriend after girlfriend. I was very hypersexual and my girlfriends would often bring up that all I wanted was sexual gratification (which wasn't entirely true, I was a good boyfriend and always cared about the girl I was with, but I did have an addiction obviously).
Fast forward to about a year ago (I'm currently 29), I started to discover fetishes of mine. And not only were they fetishes, but I would greatly exaggerate the effect by getting high. I got so good at finding exactly what I wanted, but soon enough I found myself really scavenging for something to get me off. I realized I was reaching the peak of my orgasms when after they started to become really extreme. The power of stimulants, porn, and orgasm was completely harnessed and extremely over done. I'm talking 3, 4, sometimes 5 times a day of the best, hardest orgasms I've ever had.
I have had a girlfriend for the last 4 years and we have some amazing sex. She knows I watch porn and she admits that she does as well when I'm not around. I have no problem with it especially since she's honest about it and vice versa.
A few months ago, I had gotten to the point where I would rush home after work and get myself off before she came home. The problem was she would later end up initiating sex and I'd have to really try hard to get it up for her. In fact, when I finally did achieve some sort of erection to try and penetrate, it would have been after so much stimulation that I would ejaculate maybe a minute after actually having sex. I could tell it was really starting to disappoint her. It was happening time and time again now, even when I wasn't masturbating before hand. I was totally confused as to what was happening now... I could get it up for porn, but when I had my beautiful naked girlfriend right next to me... NOTHING.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety, but I had it mostly under control. We had actually started fighting a lot (and I swear it's not because of sex, it was unrelated things) and I began to get a bit controlling and jealous. It got so bad that she actually broke up with me and I moved out. I assure you her reasoning was unrelated to sex because I was having some serious issues with upsetting her emotionally and being extremely clingy that she couldn't take it anymore. We agreed to split up and she said if I could get my shit together mentally we would try our relationship again.
I stayed with my dad for a while before finding my own place, and I found myself back to chronically masturbating. My erections at this point weren't as strong, and after I'd finish I would get really depressed. Something was wrong with me. Why was my penis so lifeless all the time now?
After much research I found myself here about two months ago. I tried stopping, but kept relapsing. I finally encouraged myself that if I'm ever going to have sex again, I need to commit to no PMO.
My girlfriend and I have been talking and seeing each other again, but on a platonic level. I know in due time we will initiate sex and it's morbidly depressing me that I will likely disappoint her again. And the last thing I want to do when trying to rekindle is be unable to make love to her. I have gone about 40 days without pornography, however the other day I got really frustrated with myself. Not because of an urge... in fact I'm in such a bad flat line that every time I see my dead dick I get so embarrassed and ashamed at what I've done. I did break my masturbation streak the other day. I came home, sat on the couch and just pulled my pants down. I looked at it, slumped over, small, just absolutely worthless. I got so frustrated I began masturbating to get it up. Without any porn and no fantasy, I was able to get about a 50% erection and orgasm. I didn't even WANT to masturbate. Seriously. It was out of pure frustration and denial that my dick doesn't work and I had to make it otherwise.
So I've had no porn in about 40 days, but I did masturbate just the one time the other day. A moment ago she stopped by with some food and we ate and caught up. Afterwards, I walked her to her car and we shared a very close hug before she left. I came back inside and again looked at my useless dick.
I lost it. I just broke down in tears and cried so hard. I just want to be normal again. I'll never look at porn ever again if I could just have my normal sex life back....
Some other details, I did get *one* random erection about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I never felt so damn happy about a hard on in my life lol. But that's been it, though I do get morning wood pretty often. But during the day, it's completely lifeless all day long... it's seriously depressing. She may not even make a big deal if I can't get it up, but just the thought of her being disappointed again KILLS me.
What should I do? How do I make myself feel better about this? Will I ever be cured?
TL;DR: Been addicted to porn since 12. At 29 I can't get it up without porn. I stopped watching porn 40 days ago, but because of the little results I'm having emotional breakdowns. Without porn or fantasy I masturbated the other day but only out of frustration even though I had no urge to. Major flatline and no libido, but occasional morning wood and so far only one random erection about 3 weeks ago. I just need to know what to do and to know if I'll ever be cured.
I had a long term girlfriend from 13 to about 16, then after that it was girlfriend after girlfriend. I was very hypersexual and my girlfriends would often bring up that all I wanted was sexual gratification (which wasn't entirely true, I was a good boyfriend and always cared about the girl I was with, but I did have an addiction obviously).
Fast forward to about a year ago (I'm currently 29), I started to discover fetishes of mine. And not only were they fetishes, but I would greatly exaggerate the effect by getting high. I got so good at finding exactly what I wanted, but soon enough I found myself really scavenging for something to get me off. I realized I was reaching the peak of my orgasms when after they started to become really extreme. The power of stimulants, porn, and orgasm was completely harnessed and extremely over done. I'm talking 3, 4, sometimes 5 times a day of the best, hardest orgasms I've ever had.
I have had a girlfriend for the last 4 years and we have some amazing sex. She knows I watch porn and she admits that she does as well when I'm not around. I have no problem with it especially since she's honest about it and vice versa.
A few months ago, I had gotten to the point where I would rush home after work and get myself off before she came home. The problem was she would later end up initiating sex and I'd have to really try hard to get it up for her. In fact, when I finally did achieve some sort of erection to try and penetrate, it would have been after so much stimulation that I would ejaculate maybe a minute after actually having sex. I could tell it was really starting to disappoint her. It was happening time and time again now, even when I wasn't masturbating before hand. I was totally confused as to what was happening now... I could get it up for porn, but when I had my beautiful naked girlfriend right next to me... NOTHING.
I also suffer from depression and anxiety, but I had it mostly under control. We had actually started fighting a lot (and I swear it's not because of sex, it was unrelated things) and I began to get a bit controlling and jealous. It got so bad that she actually broke up with me and I moved out. I assure you her reasoning was unrelated to sex because I was having some serious issues with upsetting her emotionally and being extremely clingy that she couldn't take it anymore. We agreed to split up and she said if I could get my shit together mentally we would try our relationship again.
I stayed with my dad for a while before finding my own place, and I found myself back to chronically masturbating. My erections at this point weren't as strong, and after I'd finish I would get really depressed. Something was wrong with me. Why was my penis so lifeless all the time now?
After much research I found myself here about two months ago. I tried stopping, but kept relapsing. I finally encouraged myself that if I'm ever going to have sex again, I need to commit to no PMO.
My girlfriend and I have been talking and seeing each other again, but on a platonic level. I know in due time we will initiate sex and it's morbidly depressing me that I will likely disappoint her again. And the last thing I want to do when trying to rekindle is be unable to make love to her. I have gone about 40 days without pornography, however the other day I got really frustrated with myself. Not because of an urge... in fact I'm in such a bad flat line that every time I see my dead dick I get so embarrassed and ashamed at what I've done. I did break my masturbation streak the other day. I came home, sat on the couch and just pulled my pants down. I looked at it, slumped over, small, just absolutely worthless. I got so frustrated I began masturbating to get it up. Without any porn and no fantasy, I was able to get about a 50% erection and orgasm. I didn't even WANT to masturbate. Seriously. It was out of pure frustration and denial that my dick doesn't work and I had to make it otherwise.
So I've had no porn in about 40 days, but I did masturbate just the one time the other day. A moment ago she stopped by with some food and we ate and caught up. Afterwards, I walked her to her car and we shared a very close hug before she left. I came back inside and again looked at my useless dick.
I lost it. I just broke down in tears and cried so hard. I just want to be normal again. I'll never look at porn ever again if I could just have my normal sex life back....
Some other details, I did get *one* random erection about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I never felt so damn happy about a hard on in my life lol. But that's been it, though I do get morning wood pretty often. But during the day, it's completely lifeless all day long... it's seriously depressing. She may not even make a big deal if I can't get it up, but just the thought of her being disappointed again KILLS me.
What should I do? How do I make myself feel better about this? Will I ever be cured?
TL;DR: Been addicted to porn since 12. At 29 I can't get it up without porn. I stopped watching porn 40 days ago, but because of the little results I'm having emotional breakdowns. Without porn or fantasy I masturbated the other day but only out of frustration even though I had no urge to. Major flatline and no libido, but occasional morning wood and so far only one random erection about 3 weeks ago. I just need to know what to do and to know if I'll ever be cured.
