failing failing failing any help?

[mouchas]

Dear Friends,

I am trying my best to quit fapping, I am fully away from porn but I cannot stay away from fapping and fetishes more than 10 days. It happens unintentionally I cannot stop it. Everytime I have a double speaking conversation in my self and the other party always wins. ANy suggestions like doctor or medicine. I have been here for several months and only success is kicking porn, I cannot beat my real enemy.

 

[Fallen]

I know what you mean. That moment when you're like, "I'm going to do this. I know it's not going to make me feel good, I know I shouldn't, I know I know I know... but here I go anyway." And I think to myself, "how am I so stupid?" Every time I regret it; and knowing I'm going to regret it can't stop me from doing it again.

I'm no expert on the process of overcoming that struggle, but I can pray for you to get the help & support you need; to have the drive necessary to overcome the temptation; and to ultimately be able to receive the peace & joy you desire.

 

[mouchas]

Fallen thank you so much. Today I failed again after hoping for a whole success I felt so awful. Please pray for me, I am praying everyday, a minute ago, always. I don't want to be single and alone.
Today I have struggled with my self the inner voice said" try nothing is going to happen " and It went all the way to the end. I am loosing time from my life so much time is lost so far I hate it.

I am writing writing to here, I have made a commitment I gave a promise but how is this happening. At least one day I want to write here I have no addiction

 

[fapfreezone]

I think the most important thing is to identify and challenge any pro-fap beliefs you have and to create anti-fap beliefs.

Consider this: If you gave up fapping, do you think your life would have more or less fun in it? Do your emotions and instincts agree with your rational decision? If you truly feel that your life would be better without fapping, you will give up.

 

[Fallen]

If you truly feel that your life would be better without fapping, you will give up.

I don't agree. I've not wavered in the belief that it is bad for me for the past 8 years, and at least the last 3-4 years I have not been able to master it. Reason has not been a strong enough force to make me give it up. Jesus said, "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" (referring to his friends inability to stay awake & pray for him). It may be that the spirit can master the body (I'm counting on it); but clearly it takes more than the knowledge of what's best. It's human nature to not act in accordance with what we know is best.

This brought me comfort today:

Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains!
For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Isaiah 49:13

 

[mouchas]

Thanks fapfreezone, I was successful  to beat those pro-fap beliefs only for 35 days maximum but for that I had to leave home go to another city and stay on mending things all the time. But I have never tried the anti-fap feelings, good idea ! ,even the 2 week periods gave me so much positive change with my life and energy so I will tell to my self If I don't fap I will do things, live , study better. I want to be in a relation so much that was my motivator so far but there is far more as you said.

Dear fallen, so far in my life I have observed what you are expressing, soul is everything you are right. And god made me get to this site and made me learn about what happened to me. At least knowing the reason is a gift. And surely Lord will hold my hand, I have to be more strong not with my body as you have said with my soul. God bless you !

Unfortunately I have such a strong fetish left after porn and it doesn't go away easy, this is the time for me that words don't mean anything. I don't know what to do more

 

[tscooter]

Guys, I am so thankful to be able to log on here and see your input and your thoughts. With each of these testimonies that agree with each other, it reinforces the truth behind the patterns of temptation, struggle, and brain wiring.

Yes, our flesh is indeed weak. I think of Peter and his depression after the 3 denials. I imagine it made him question every good thing he had done and thought over the previous 3 years.

But we also get to see what Jesus said after the resurrection. He met Peter right where he was and said "Feed my sheep". In other words, get up and get going. Everything was not lost in those moments of weakness. The rest of Peter's life speaks for itself.

I'm pressing in, and facing my addictions head on. I love God and I hate pornography! Praying for His help in breaking the connections between P and M and any combination thereof!

 

[mouchas]

Friends You have showed me the main cause. Lack of faith, it is about my soul. I had to have faith in winning, thats why I do relapse everytime. The Urge voice speaking inside me to do it again is same to the evil voice inside me making me do bad stuff. Faith in god stops urges for sin.

 

[pinkerton]

Hi mouchas. It sounds like you are feeling pretty desperate to stop fapping. It's good that you know you have a problem and want to stop. I just want to say that it is really good that you can go ten days without.  That is something to be proud of. In my experience,  the more desperate and anxious I feel about quitting, the harder it is. It's like my mind is saying, you Have to stop this and you Have to stop RIGHT NOW!  But when I feel that way I have no success. This is a process. Sometimes things come to us quickly and sometimes slowly. You are here and that is excellent.  You are trying to stop and you will. If you keep working at it and learning about it and learning from your mistakes and ours.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it just makes it worse. Keep coming back and telling us your story and asking questions.

 

[mrcicero]

I have a perspective that I try to keep in mind that may helpful to you.  I don't know if you're keeping a journal -- if not then you should be -- in your journal, always (or frequently) try to address two things that are the most important in this effort:

#1 - WHY ARE YOU QUITTING THIS HABIT?  What has it done to you? Do you realize how bad the effect has been on you?  You must have if you're here.  What were the effects on you? 

#2 - WHAT WILL BREAKING YOUR HABIT DO FOR YOU? WHAT ARE ALL THE GREAT THINGS YOU'RE GOING TO GET FROM BREAKING THIS HABIT?  1000s of reports all claim the same benefits: better concentration, more sexual attraction to women, better sex, more confidence, better sleep, feeling better on the inside.  Some people go on to better jobs, get hotter girlfriends, work out more.  No one says, "I quit fapping and it f*cked my life up." Those things are likely for you too.  What part of that vision compels you?  What do you want? Do you want to be a man who is in control of his urges?  it all sounds good, right? Don't be afraid to visualize it, want it, write it down, and aspire to it... it's likely that it will happen.

You need both #1 and #2.  Too many people focus on #1, but that doesn't give you enough motivation.  The real good stuff is in #2... that's how you define who you want to be, and that's how you get thru the tough times.


Btw, as a second piece of advice that may help, you may need to spend more time thinking about your triggers and avoiding them.  If you're getting the temptation and falling into it, you need to keep identifying the triggers and ACTIVELY AVOIDING THEM ahead of time at all costs.  I don't know that I can stress this enough. Read my last post in my journal.  Does alcohol trigger you?  Get rid of it.  Is it cruising Facebook?  Delete Facebook.  Sneak a peek at bikini babes on The Chive?  Block Chive. Actively manage all triggers before they can happen, and keep adding to your trigger list.  And then stick to it. 

Use every tool you can find to your benefit. 
You can do this. I hope this helps.

~Cicero

 

[mouchas]

Hi Pinkerton,

"It's like my mind is saying, you Have to stop this and you Have to stop RIGHT NOW!" I hear this also from inside at the exact moment of decision. I have gone more than 30 days once, but not more. I can say I have a progress but really I am wondering if one day I will have a wetdream or correct excitement. I went to several doctors if you have looked at my journal, last one from a brain focused clinic told me that I have excitement disorder, and a very tired brain and weak right brain functions. As I have watched the videos from YBOP I understand that all the things that I was told are coming from the exact location of the brain ruined by this addiction.

Really so far I have understood what I have been dealing with, and I am curious if there is a medicine or an application to the brain for correction. So much time has passed do you believe it can turn back?

 

[mouchas]

Dear mrcicero

Thank you for your help. The biggest trigger to me is underwear pictures in the web, even if I see a small one then I search for more. I have a strong fetish for them. As in my journal porn with these material was pushing me into a fantasy land. I have successfully got rid of porn but not the pictures and the fetish. I hate to say but I collect these materials I throwed them so many times but like porn addiction they came back. They are solid but artificial.
Your #1  trigger  ( the scope statement for me ) porn and fetish keeps me away from a real mate and gives sexual identity obsession. I realized it gives depression

Your #2 After starting this jurney here together with all of you, I have realized I can do better decision making, I have improved  sleep, no depression, high energy ( these have been things I was craving for )

I will focus on triggers more. You are right, still I hide some of them. it starts from them

 

[mrcicero]

That's very good mouchas, good work.  Obliterate the triggers.  List them ALL down and be honest with yourself and us.  And then attack each of one of them.  For the 'hard 90' focus on triggers and on following all the rules. You can do anything for 90 days! 

Here are some tips:

* Do you have K9 installed on ALL your computers?  Install it right now on all your computers.  Block all the websites you know of that you search on, esp around the underwear fetish. 

* Turn on parental controls on your iPad and iPhone so that it requires a password to see certain sites (go to Settings --> General --> Restrictions --> Enable Restrictions --> Websites --> Click "Limit Adult Content".  You can block specific sites by adding them to the section "Never Allow"

* Turn on Google safe search.  (Google how to do it)

* Throw away or delete all your pics/videos/files, and bookmarks right now.  Just delete ALL of them. Get rid of your whole stash.  Don't cling to it.  It's worthless.  It's less than worthless - it's destructive.

Now, why are you giving yourself the chance to even see underwear pictures?  How often do you come across underwear pictures? I don't see them often in my normal web surfing.  If you are navigating some sites that have those types of pictures, can you block them?  If it's for work I can see having an issue, but if it's just your own personal web surfing then stop going to those sites immediately and block them.  Right now! 

Another question: if this web surfing is just personal time, why are you spending your time doing it?  For the hard 90 think about cutting out all your personal web surfing all together - go do something else with your time that won't even lead to those triggers.  Don't give yourself a chance to experience triggers.  Cutting out the web surfing alone may lead you to redefine the quality of your life.


Your vision for yourself is great. What do you see for yourself? What really talks to you?  What do you REALLY want deep down? It sounds like you want a girlfriend and to ditch the sh*t associated with this addiction.  Many of the reports cite that guys who have not had girlfriends get girlfriends after they're able to ditch the addiction.

There you have a powerful vision, and it's completely in your grasp. You can do this. You already ditched the porn. Now you just need to ditch this too, and it's possible. 

Good work.
- Cicero

 

[mouchas]

Dear Cicero,

You are really right about triggers, they are always available around and for those pictures on the web I go and look at them, even I have thrown away bunch of them there are a few around. When I trow them I felt sorry but together with anger. Believe me after 10 days, it starts with pictures on the web. I do the web surfing on my personal time as you have said, I need to stay away from my room as you have said and may be use it just for sleeping.

Since each and every symtom I live is the same with addiction videos on YBOP, I know it will be better. Now I understand how people look for drugs. After 10 days my brain splits into two, one is pulling into the pictures.

Really I do not understand how it is happening, but I will use my blief. Even 10 days show a reaction like a rechargeable batery. I wish the desensetization leaves and things become normal.

 

[mouchas]

Dear Friends,
I was so attached to the triggering facts and materials, my brain kept them really even I do want to get rid of them. After your replies I throw them away. The only possible gate left is the internet, will try to find a filter or software as you have said. For 5 days no thoughts in my mind.

 

[leisuretimejoe]

Dear Friends,

I am trying my best to quit fapping, I am fully away from porn but I cannot stay away from fapping and fetishes more than 10 days. It happens unintentionally I cannot stop it. Everytime I have a double speaking conversation in my self and the other party always wins. ANy suggestions like doctor or medicine. I have been here for several months and only success is kicking porn, I cannot beat my real enemy.

spend more time in the company of other or in public where you cannot do it.

cover your hands in chilli sauce before bed.

 

[pinkerton]

The reboot is the medicine for the brain. And our brains are able to return to normal (or very close to it) after we stop screwing it up. At least, that's what I understand from ybop.  I hope to be done with the addiction and have a fully functional brain for a change. Glad to hear you have made some progress. Keep going and more good things will come.

 

[fapfreezone]

I have a piece of advice for you based on my recent relapse. Don't drink! I guess this is obvious when you think about it, but I think I had lost a little bit of respect for the addiction because things seemed to be going swimmingly, so I thought it would be ok and it wasn't, though it wasn't especially bad either (I didn't PMO, I MOed to fantasy).

Stay strong,

 

[fapfreezone]

If you truly feel that your life would be better without fapping, you will give up.

I don't agree.

Well, in light of this:

I've not wavered in the belief that it is bad for me for the past 8 years, and at least the last 3-4 years I have not been able to master it.

I reluctantly agree that I was wrong. Allow me to amend my statement to the following:

"If you truly want to quit, that really helps."


Also, I want to expand on a point I was trying to get at with the original post. I used to be in a position where I thought I truly wanted to quit, but I wasn't really there yet. I would have said I wanted to quit if you had asked me and I would have believed myself. However, my belief wasn't unwavering. There were times where I actually did want to PMO. To determine if you are in this category, ask yourself the following:

1) How much fun is PMO?
2) Do you secretly wish PMO wasn't bad for you so you could do it?
3) Do you believe you can quit?
4) Over the past month, has your belief actually been unwavering?

The model answers are obvious except for 1 and 3. In 1, I would say a good answer is "PMO is fun, but it isn't that great. I could live without it.". 3 just determines if you are sabotaging yourself with a lack of self-belief rather than having an unhelpful belief that actually positively motivates you to PMO, like a bad answer to 1.

 

[Fallen]

I reluctantly agree that I was wrong. Allow me to amend my statement to the following:

"If you truly want to quit, that really helps."

Also, I want to expand on a point I was trying to get at with the original post. I used to be in a position where I thought I truly wanted to quit, but I wasn't really there yet. I would have said I wanted to quit if you had asked me and I would have believed myself. However, my belief wasn't unwavering. There were times where I actually did want to PMO. To determine if you are in this category, ask yourself the following:

1) How much fun is PMO?
2) Do you secretly wish PMO wasn't bad for you so you could do it?
3) Do you believe you can quit?
4) Over the past month, has your belief actually been unwavering?

The model answers are obvious except for 1 and 3. In 1, I would say a good answer is "PMO is fun, but it isn't that great. I could live without it.". 3 just determines if you are sabotaging yourself with a lack of self-belief rather than having an unhelpful belief that actually positively motivates you to PMO, like a bad answer to 1.

I agree that wanting to quit really helps; if you don't want to quit, why would you try? I guess you might feel like you have to (ie. you think it's morally wrong but you don't want to give it up).

I also think it's good to challenge our convictions, so let me see...

1) I wouldn't call it fun. I don't enjoy it, really. I crave the release, but I also fear it, knowing that when it is over the guilt & regret will come washing over, so I prolong it.
2) I'm not sure how to answer this question. I guess if it wasn't bad for me (including my relationship with my wife & with God) then that would be great. The only reason for not wanting to do it is that it is bad for me in some way, and since I already have to deal with the urge, having it become healthy would be a good option. I'm not sure this gets at the issue you were going for.
3) Yes. I believe without help I won't quit, as I wasn't quitting even when I wanted to; but with help I can.
4) I believe so. I guess it depends on how you look at it. I mean, clearly I have been choosing to PMO; I'm not forced to do it. In the moment I make that choice I believe it is wrong; I believe it will hurt me, it will cost me time & add stress. And yet I choose to do it anyway. I feel like the thoughts "I don't want to do this anymore" and "yes I do; I want it" coexist at that moment, both incredibly strong. But even as I choose to do it, in that moment I still desire to be free. I give in as if defeated by a stronger force.