Made a Decision to Change

[NoMo]

I've been noticing some really disturbing changes over the last year or so. It started getting more and more difficult to maintain an erection when having sex with my GF. Over time, it got worse and worse. At first I put it down to an unhealthy lifestyle: I smoked a pack a day, didn't work out and work a high stress job. So I made some changes - gave up tobacco and started working out. Imagine my surprise when my ED continued to get worse!

Now, I've always watched porn, ever since I was 13 or 14 (I'm 30 now). First it was magazines and pictures, then DVDs, then short clips online. Eventually high-speed internet came along, and it was like hitting the jackpot. Been PMO'ing ever since, usually 2 or 3 times a week with the occasional binge of a few days in a row.

Anyway, when my ED didn't improve, that's when I suspected it might be porn-related. Google'd and found rebootnation... What an eye opener. As soon as I started reading some of the journals here, I immediately realized I'm addicted to porn (or dopamine.. whatever). Didn't really surprise me. I'm a recovering alcoholic and I've been sober from alcohol for a year and a half, doing a 12-step program. So I'm familiar with the fact that I'm not really good at dealing with life/emotions and prefer to have some external way of dealing with it.

I've decided to make a change. I don't want to live like this anymore. Hate the guilt and shame. And definitely hate not being able to connect with my significant other. So here I am.. Today is day 6, and the last few days have sucked. Everything, from anxiety, to anger, to lack of motivation. Been through worse when detoxing from alcohol - but that only lasted 2 weeks! 90 days of this though...

One day at a time then. Won't PMO today, and I'll worry about tomorrow tomorrow. So thanks for everyone that's posted here. It's helped. It's given me hope that there's a way out.

 

[mrcicero]

Awesome post and welcome to the forum.  You should also go to www.yourbrainonporn.com for more info, if you haven't.

The fact that you've gone through 6 days of self-described hell and didn't relapse is -- and I'm not just saying this -- very remarkable.  For some guys the withdrawal is hell, for some not so much.  Obviously having to deal with the withdrawal is the challenge in this type of thing.  But most guys describe that it gets much, much better over the course of the first few weeks, so it improves over the course of the 90 days.  That you were able to deal with the rough part in these 6 days suggests that you'll almost certainly make it through to the other side.  Just reading this one post makes me feel a great deal of optimism for your success.

Good work and good luck,
-Cicero

 

[benhj]

Hey nomo congrats on the alcohol Sobriety man. As you mentioned AA have you considered SAA or SA? Not for everyone but as you mentioned AA.. I've come to realise that the most important thing is unity. Unity in the fellowship, unity with my friends and as I recover the ability to look the world in the eye again. Do you know the unity prayer? I like that one..

Completely relate to you struggles with the Internet. It's like the book versus the bomb in a way. Up to us how we use it.. But with this head fuck of an addiction, the obsession takes over. A friend in SA once told me that even if we take the smallest of steps over the edge of a cliff, we're still going to hit the bottom..

Keep coming back man and know that you're not alone!

 

[NoMo]

Thanks ben. I've thought about SA - feeling reluctant to go though. Lot of fear and pride when it comes to sex. Feel like I'd rather keep this secret (which is probably not the best idea, but I figure posting here is a start). The first few days were easy. I was still pretty fresh off my last binge and was thoroughly disgusted by it. Today has been kind of tough - had some intense cravings where I got really restless. Couldn't sit still, couldn't concentrate; could feel my entire being demanding PMO. Grateful for AA though - I get to go to a meeting and interact with people I know and love.

Pretty sure I won't be PMO'ing today. Thanks for being here and thanks for the support!

 

[benhj]

My first SA sponsor was in AA had been sober from both for some years. We would use the blue book a lot. I really love the jay walker story. What a perfect example of insanity! I was living in Orlando at the time, some good meetings around that part of the world. Used to take me to some AA meetings with him. For me I felt no differences really in the meeting format and who would attend. Just the addictions were slightly different.. these days I use the blue book a lot exchanging terms of alcoholism for sex addiction. That helps a lot. Keep coming back and checking in man we couldn't do this without you!

 

[NoMo]

Well.. I PMO'd last night. In hindsight, I should have seen the progression: maybe check on Facebook --> Craigslist --> Quick peek --> fuck it, just one time won't hurt.  :-[

I lost sight of why I was doing this.. So here I am on day 1 again. Does not feel good, but I am sticking to this deal. I'm going to keep coming back no matter what.