Never saw this coming..So here I am

[notgivinup]

R....yes, that took courage. But it is a reflection of how much you do love your wife.

Her reality has been shaken, and she is not sure what to trust. So, continue to be open with her...but do allow her to process. Sometimes it may mean listening without defending...and allowing her to process her very real feelings. I think a woman's emotions can be somewhat overwhelming to a man at times. But, just keep the strength you are gaining inside...and stand, allowing her to feel what she is feeling.

You two can only grow closer now. She will see what you are doing, and she will be so thankful that she has the truth. I'm sure she will.

You (and all of us) have one main thing to do today...and that is to turn away from the fake pixel images...and to turn to the world around us.

I am with you, and am so glad that you are here and that you are making the choices to leave the junk behind.

Porn is not an option.

 

[Doc]

Morning has come and my Wife is still speaking with me.  I can tell that I definitely overwhelmed and surprised her but my fear that she would be repulsed by me seems to have been imagined rather than reality.  I definitely ask way too much of her.  I did give her the address to my Journal today.  I want to return to the time when there were no secrets in our relationship.  In that aspect, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted and a barrier has been removed.  I'm still not sure if I'm feeling terror or relief.

 

[lyon03]

"Terror or relief" you're probably feeling a combination of both my friend. The most important part of reboot is honesty. Honesty with ourselves. Honesty with our spouses. And honesty in our posts. Yesterday was ground zero. It gets better brother.

 

[Doc]

I know my Wife will need time to digest.  I put together an email for her with links to all of the informationn sites that I've found.  I also included a link to this journal as I want to avoid any sense of secrecy.  All cards are on the table.  So far, no real discussion about it and a definite "standoffish" vibe which I can understand. 
R

 

[leisuretimejoe]

fantastic journal - feel exactly the same, similar story, and our meters are similar too!

 

[leisuretimejoe]

R, i dont think you do need to tell your wife.  You kept this secret for 17 years, you owe it to yourself to beat this thing by yourself.

why burden her/worry her with this?  this is your thing, its okay not to share everything.

 

[leisuretimejoe]

holy sh1t dude it seems i was too late.

well in that case, well done, you did the right thing (you felt that strongly about it so did it).

im wasnt going to try and convince you otherwise, but the argument for telling her and not telling her was little weighted in favour of telling her.. which i wouldnt have done... but i support you dude and wish you all the best.

intrigued to see how this plays out... its going to get rocky but only good can come from this as you are hiding nothing and you haven't actually been unfaithful.

peace.

 

[notgivinup]

Hey R....just checking to see if you were here today.

Hoping all is working out for you and your wife. I know these first days are probably difficult, but you are making the right choices now...by being here.

Glad you are here.

Porn is NOT an option.

 

[Doc]

Still holding strong against any porn.  I still find a drive to want the dopamine dump but the actual thought of going to porn after knowing it is the source of so much pain is abhorent.  I have been feeling down the last day or two and definitely have a short trigger.  Trying to apply many of the same techniques I used with PTS and that seems to help.  The real drive and biggest help is knowing that my Wife is in my corner and not booting me to the curb over this.  As she, so eloquently, put it "17 years of marriage stands for something....I'm not going anywhere".  That is one tough and amazing woman.  Much more than I deserve.  Life is not all swell and perfect between us at present and I am thinking it will take a lot of time to heal the damage that I caused.  As long as she is here and willing to stand with me, I can do anything.

 

[Feetfirst]

Welcome R, and well done for making this important and significant step in your recovery. You will find tremendous support here without judgement from those who are all on the same path. I can say for myself as an porn addict for going 30 years this site and more importantly every amazing person that contributes to it, has been the singularly most helpful aspect of my rather wobbly recovery. Truth is, all of our recoveries are wobbly, thats why we are here, with the recognition that we can't do it on our own. We need the support of others and others need our support. I'm beginning to wish I had never started this rediculous wobbly analogy, but I'm here now and there is no going back! So lets all wobble on to victory! Porn is not an option. Good luck R I wish you every success! FF

 

[Gracie]

R, how goes things on the wife front?  Are you doing okay?

 

[Leon]

Still holding strong against any porn.  I still find a drive to want the dopamine dump but the actual thought of going to porn after knowing it is the source of so much pain is abhorent.  I have been feeling down the last day or two and definitely have a short trigger.  Trying to apply many of the same techniques I used with PTS and that seems to help.  The real drive and biggest help is knowing that my Wife is in my corner and not booting me to the curb over this.  As she, so eloquently, put it "17 years of marriage stands for something....I'm not going anywhere".  That is one tough and amazing woman.  Much more than I deserve.  Life is not all swell and perfect between us at present and I am thinking it will take a lot of time to heal the damage that I caused.  As long as she is here and willing to stand with me, I can do anything.

You're doing great, R. I commend you for coming out- though the 'aftermath' is something that's going to take time and patience to get over, especially for her.

Many men (not saying yourself), just want the relief of getting all that guilt from their double-life, their secretive life, off their chest, and dump all this info on their wife. Yeah, they get that instant, "Phew! I'm glad that's over with!"- but now their wife is standing in a debris field, and they don't know what to make of it.

It will be tempting in a short while to get angry with your spouse, and say, "Man, can't you get over it now? Can't you see that I'm trying!? Don't you see all my efforts?" As there's a drive to get back to a state of happy normalcy between you two. But, we're just going to have to 'bite the bullet' on this one, and allow her all the time and space she needs to regather her senses, and find her footing again. She now has her own battles, "Why wasn't I good enough for him?", etc...

And the main thing, the back bone of any relationship, is trust. And that- having been violated- takes time to heal. Your patience, self-control, and consistency in both terms of honesty and particularly in actions, will help to further that progress.

Been there with you, man, it's not easy. But you can do this!

 

[Leon]

Question for Gracie: So, when you read stories like this, such as R's, do you again relive all the pain of the time when your own husband 'came out' and told you?

BTW- it's so great to see you posting in these forums.

 

[Doc]

Gracie and Leon : The short answer is that things are going better than I expected with my Wife.  She is starting to read information on Porn Addiction and PIED.  I gave her a link to this journal page and she is reading it as well now.  That was a "step off of the high dive" moment but I don't want any secrets.  The intimacy of our relationship has definitely been damaged by my actions. (I would say they were damaged by my telling her but that would not be the truth at all.  My addiction was doing the damage, I just wasn't noticing it before.)  It is going to be a slow road to get that intimacy back.  We have had discussions about how my revealing this has affected her but I don't want to post for her on this.  Those are her thougts shared with me.  If she ever decides to start posting here, she can share that.  I can say that we are talking, raising our children, cooking together in the kitchen and still laughing together.  There is much more than hope for our marriage and friendship.  It will go on and we will come out of this stronger.  Mostly because of the amazing, forgiving and strong woman that my Wife is.

Thanks to all who drop by to encourage and support me through this.

R

 

[Leon]

Gracie and Leon : The short answer is that things are going better than I expected with my Wife....I can say that we are talking, raising our children, cooking together in the kitchen and still laughing together.  There is much more than hope for our marriage and friendship.  It will go on and we will come out of this stronger.  Mostly because of the amazing, forgiving and strong woman that my Wife is.

Thanks to all who drop by to encourage and support me through this.

R

This is definitely encouraging news! Though my own marriage is 100% better than it was before, and she's backing me up completely, still- it was not an easy road initially. There was a lot (understandably) anger on her part, and it took a while to begin rebuilding trust. But, I have only to think on the pain that I caused her to reconsider if my 'beast-nature' ever wanted to do something stupid- it's that I don't want to hurt- first of all- myself, but also the loved ones in my life.

It's truly a coming back from an extremely self-focused, and narcissistic position to a genuinely loving and selfless one- which we're supposed to be, as men, selfless, willing to 'die' as it were, for our wives and family. And truly, self-denial is a kind of death, but with a sweet reward of life on the other end. 

 

[notgivinup]

R, I'm glad to hear that things are holding together for you and your wife. That was a powerful statement she made..."17 years of marriage counts for something..." That is powerful, and speaks to her strength and love and determination.

You are doing a great thing by turning away from the pmo.

I'm happy for you.

One day at a time...living in honesty and openness.

Porn is NOT an option.

 

[Doc]

Much appreciated,
I'm heading to work today and will be solo in a hotel for the next week.  I can honestly say that this brings on some fear with me.  I know that some of my busiest times for using were sitting alone in hotel rooms away from my wife.  I will definitely be keeping communication up with her while I'm away and also doing a lot more reading on P Addiction and recovery.  I've come this far and don't want a relapse now.  I really don't like being away from home this early in the process of rebooting but work calls.  With new running shoes in hand (or rather on foot) I'm going to try and channel the restless energy into something a bit more healthy.  Time to shed a few...or more than a few...pounds again.
Now I'm pretty much rambling but just needed to log on for a bit and make an entry.
On the home front, conversations regarding my addiction and recovery are going well.  Lots of looking forward and honest conversation about rebuilding trust in our relationship and taking time.  Gees...I have an amazing woman in my life.  I'm really blessed.
R

 

[Leon]

Much appreciated,
I'm heading to work today and will be solo in a hotel for the next week.  I can honestly say that this brings on some fear with me.  I know that some of my busiest times for using were sitting alone in hotel rooms away from my wife.  I will definitely be keeping communication up with her while I'm away and also doing a lot more reading on P Addiction and recovery.  I've come this far and don't want a relapse now.  I really don't like being away from home this early in the process of rebooting but work calls.  With new running shoes in hand (or rather on foot) I'm going to try and channel the restless energy into something a bit more healthy.  Time to shed a few...or more than a few...pounds again.
Now I'm pretty much rambling but just needed to log on for a bit and make an entry.
On the home front, conversations regarding my addiction and recovery are going well.  Lots of looking forward and honest conversation about rebuilding trust in our relationship and taking time.  Gees...I have an amazing woman in my life.  I'm really blessed.
R

Hi, R. My advice would be, especially this early in your process, that you can call ahead and order a room without a t.v./computer, or else request these to be removed. But, you probably will have your own access to the internet in this wonderful modern age....

You should also have a ready made plan for those down times- but make them fun and exciting- because if you make them like rules and try and 'force' yourself, this may actually have the opposite affect from what you're intentions are.

Be well.

 

[Gracie]

When my husband or I travel alone we text.  And text and text.  It helps keep us grounded and we know that the other is thinking about us.  It means so much to read the words.  And then when we can we talk.  I helped so much in the beginning.  Good luck for your week!  Remember this is about your relationship and being intimate with your wife.  Not just orgasm.

 

[notgivinup]

R, I'm following your thread. I'm glad to see you connected...even while you're in a hotel this week. Glad to hear about the running shoes as well.

One day at a time...glad you are on your way.

I'm encouraged and inspired by your openness and connection with your wife as well.

again...glad you are here.

pmo is not an option.