Age:
38 years old.
When I started on porn:
When I was a teen of about 13, I would jerk off to the odd magazine, parents VHS tape or some of the porn channels on Satellite TV. Usually it was just my imagination though. In 1998, I discovered internet porn and would jerk off to that crap once or twice a day. When the "free video sites" became more prevalent, I could jerk off to that too
Early on, I wanted to fuck somebody bad, but I didn't have a girlfriend in school, and the only release I had was my hand. Well, I could of fucked some of the waitresses, but I always felt that was wrong. Porn just felt good. Hot women, no stress, jerking off, what wasn't to like about it? It isn't like any of us had any clue about it. ALL my friends jerked off to porn. It was 100% normal. Everybody would joke about "the loser looking at porn" but the guy doing the joking was usually the one looking at more porn.
How frequent was its over use? :
I would jerk off once a day at least. On the days I was not working, and would be gaming or browsing news site, I might jerk off between 5 to 10 times in a day. In the 90's I didn't use porn that much though, but I did jerk off at least once a day most of the time, sometimes most. Lots to fantasy.
How "extreme" did I get?
I don't think I got that extreme. Normal stuff was fine, but I did "enjoy" the amateur stuff or public stuff. I never spent hours and hours looking at porn either. Generally speaking, I would load up a porn site, find some hot chick I liked, blow my load and be good. On a weekend, I might do this 5-10 times if I had time. I did "edge" though, sometimes for about 15-20 minutes.
Did I try to stop?
Yes, several dozen times I would try and stop in the past, not because I knew about any of this "Your Brain on Porn" stuff, but because I just always felt wrong. I HATED that I could not stop myself. Jerking off felt dirty after the act, and I would resolve every time to "stop" but that "one more time" feeling was so strong...
On a few times when I was able to quit for a week or so, I started to feel better. I never realized that at the time though.
Relationship History and Sex
I had a few relationships in my early 20's. When I was 22, I tried to fuck this one hot girl who was into me (on 3 separate occasions), but I had ED. I could get it in, but it would die on me after a couple minutes. This was very frustrating and I didn't understand it at the time, because I could get a super hard erection with porn or jerking off, but when I had a nice girls ass in front of me, it went away. She was frustrated too and just wanted me to fuck her brains out. I couldn't understand it.
After that experience, I sort of ended up burying myself into my work, gaining weight, playing video games, volunteering a lot, doing internet work and being a bit anti social when it came to actually trying to pick up a girl. Anytime I got horny, I would go jerk off. Being on the internet all the time, led me to start doing a lot of work on the net, which I could challenge myself with, but was ultimately a waste of time. I was never that focused, never had energy, and sometimes hated myself in those years because I felt like I was being controlled and wasn't living up to my potential. (I was right). Part of my problem was that I worked shift work, so the nights sapped my strength and didn't help me at all.
There were a lot of girls who were interested in me, but I was too stupid to see it and worried at the same time that I would have sexual problems. I would go out on a date or three and usually look for an excuse to get out of it. I started to develop very low self esteem and self confidence, simply because I wasn't myself, not the guy I was in my late teens and early 20s, when I could do anything. I started to measure women on a hotness scale all the time.
When I was 35, I started to "wake up". I started going to the gym and forcing myself to change careers at work, and get off my ass. I lost 80 lbs and looked pretty damn good by the time I was 36. My life started to drastically improve. I stopped playing video games except for a few hours a week, I pretty much quit the internet except a bit on my ipad at night, etc. I was getting a lot happier, and my friends could see it. However, I was still jerking off to porn.
When did I figure out I had a problem?
In 2013, I met a nice girl in Greece and began a long distance relationship with her. In March 2014, I discovered that when I was with her and she was jerking me off, I could barely get an erection. I started searching for the causes, and came across this website back in April of 2014. I started NoFap right after, including meditation, cold showers, etc. I resolved to never jerk off again. I did pretty good actually and didn't PMO until about the end of June and I was doing some MO here and there while with my girlfriend in Greece. On the whole, I managed to go about 60 days with no Porn, but I did MO a few times. My erection got better, but I couldn't just fuck the girl the way I wanted too, which also caused me a lot of frustration. She was a virgin too, and pretty conservative and scared and wouldn't let me stick it in her either. She wouldn't allow me to go down on her, etc, so there was a lot of sexual frustration. Try holding your cock above a girls vagina for 5 minutes while she thinks about letting you in oh so slowly... it doesn't work.
I don't want to give any impression that I was with this girl "for sex", I wasn't. I was looking for a companion, I am only writing about the sex because that is what is relevant here to this forum.
We broke up in the end of July, not because of my dick, but that did cause a bit more anxiety and fear in me. Its possible if I had fucked her brains out, I would of felt more secure in my relationship with her, but that isn't the main reason we broke up. Look, I just want to feel free with my love, and have sex that we both enjoy and blow her mind out, so she loves it. I couldn't because of my semi-hardon that disappeared after a few minutes.
Anyways, when I came back to Canada, I started PMOing again, not much, but a bit. Maybe once every few days. I knew the danger and was trying not to do much of it, but I was still doing it....
In early October, I had major surgery for an injury and I was off for 5 months from work. Initially, I said I was going to use this time to stop jerking off, but a few weeks into October found me PMO and by November to January, I was going hardcore PMO, some days 5-10 times. I had a lot of breaks in there where I didn't do any of it, but I was off work, recovering from injury, heart broken from my break up, somewhat depressed from being stuck at home, etc, etc and the only good things I felt was jerking off. If I had a girlfriend there with me, I would of been fine, but I didn't.
I also started gaining weight, and put on about 30-40 lbs again, since I couldn't do anything but eat. Food and jerking off felt great!
In January, I have resolved to fucking quit this shit again whatever it takes and get a hold of my weight again and start recovering my mental state and body. I cut it down significantly, and started to go days between PMO sessions, until I could get myself into a mental place where the diet, NoFap, etc all formed into a single unit that I could focus on.
On Feb 15, I managed to get myself into a state of mind where I could say NO, and I have not PMO or MO'ed or anything since that day, making me about 9 days PMO/MO/free.
I have been playing some video games and browsing some internet sites, which I am wondering if I should quit entirely. Once I can freely work out again, I know I will stop the video games, as I have barely played them since I was 35 (except for the last few months due to boredom).
What have I experienced sine Feb 15, 2015 when I started NoFap again?
-Complete dead dick/flat line. I have no urge to look at porn, jerk off, or do anything. My dick has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and feels like a useless appendage. This is the exact same thing I had back in April of 2014 when I tried then to quit.
-I've woken up twice with some weak "pee morning wood", meaning I have a bit of a hard on, mostly do to me wanting to pee I think.
-One night I woke up feeling a bit of a hard on, as I think I was fantasizing in the middle of the night.
So overall, my dick is a useless flap right now and I do not feel sexual at all. Dead dick is a perfect word.
On the flip side, I feel no urge to jerk off and I have no urge to look at porn. I feel decent as well, not like I am going through any withdrawl or anything. We will see what happens when I quit playing games and kill the internet again I know in a week or two, my sex drive will start to wake up a bit, and then I will want to fuck something... and that is when it will be tough not to resort to jerking off...
I don't feel I "need" to see Porn. I know I would need it or major fantasizing to get a hard on though, it wouldn't happen from touch alone.
My future:
I started talking with a new young woman last Saturday (Feb 21), so we will see what happens. She seems very nice, funny and interested. I've seen her in the past and found her attractive. Obviously, I have no clue at this point if I am compatible with her, but I do wish to find out because as I said above, she seems very nice, funny, interested and like a good person. I am looking for somebody to be a good companion for me. On the flip side, I am scared if I go meet her, she may want to get into a full blown relationship with me, and while that is exactly what I want, I am just worried when things get sexual, I will not be ready for it, and see her walk out of my life because of my own damned addiction that has caused these issues. It isn't her fault I was an idiot for years.
The doctor told me to refrain from major physical activity, including sex until at least June, and I have jokenly told her that. So maybe that gives me enough time to get my dick in order. Its possible the relationship will not go that far anyways, though I hope it does since she seems like a wonderful person.
Whatever happens with this nice young woman, I know that I am going to focus on putting this bullshit behind myself, getting my strength back and improving myself again. I will be 40 in 18 months, and if I am not in a stead relationship by that point, I want myself to be 100% physically and mentally strong. If I am with her, then I want her to have a great, whole man to herself. If I am not, then I want to be whole for the next woman. Either way, I want to be whole for MYSELF. That is my goal.
I began it at 35, I know that Porn is a piece of part of the puzzle and I had a major setback with my injury and surgery, but I am resolved to be 100% myself by the time I am 40.
So this is my journey and journal. I hope I can do this and eventually offer an example for other people, such as Gabe and others have offered for many of us.
38 years old.
When I started on porn:
When I was a teen of about 13, I would jerk off to the odd magazine, parents VHS tape or some of the porn channels on Satellite TV. Usually it was just my imagination though. In 1998, I discovered internet porn and would jerk off to that crap once or twice a day. When the "free video sites" became more prevalent, I could jerk off to that too
Early on, I wanted to fuck somebody bad, but I didn't have a girlfriend in school, and the only release I had was my hand. Well, I could of fucked some of the waitresses, but I always felt that was wrong. Porn just felt good. Hot women, no stress, jerking off, what wasn't to like about it? It isn't like any of us had any clue about it. ALL my friends jerked off to porn. It was 100% normal. Everybody would joke about "the loser looking at porn" but the guy doing the joking was usually the one looking at more porn.
How frequent was its over use? :
I would jerk off once a day at least. On the days I was not working, and would be gaming or browsing news site, I might jerk off between 5 to 10 times in a day. In the 90's I didn't use porn that much though, but I did jerk off at least once a day most of the time, sometimes most. Lots to fantasy.
How "extreme" did I get?
I don't think I got that extreme. Normal stuff was fine, but I did "enjoy" the amateur stuff or public stuff. I never spent hours and hours looking at porn either. Generally speaking, I would load up a porn site, find some hot chick I liked, blow my load and be good. On a weekend, I might do this 5-10 times if I had time. I did "edge" though, sometimes for about 15-20 minutes.
Did I try to stop?
Yes, several dozen times I would try and stop in the past, not because I knew about any of this "Your Brain on Porn" stuff, but because I just always felt wrong. I HATED that I could not stop myself. Jerking off felt dirty after the act, and I would resolve every time to "stop" but that "one more time" feeling was so strong...
On a few times when I was able to quit for a week or so, I started to feel better. I never realized that at the time though.
Relationship History and Sex
I had a few relationships in my early 20's. When I was 22, I tried to fuck this one hot girl who was into me (on 3 separate occasions), but I had ED. I could get it in, but it would die on me after a couple minutes. This was very frustrating and I didn't understand it at the time, because I could get a super hard erection with porn or jerking off, but when I had a nice girls ass in front of me, it went away. She was frustrated too and just wanted me to fuck her brains out. I couldn't understand it.
After that experience, I sort of ended up burying myself into my work, gaining weight, playing video games, volunteering a lot, doing internet work and being a bit anti social when it came to actually trying to pick up a girl. Anytime I got horny, I would go jerk off. Being on the internet all the time, led me to start doing a lot of work on the net, which I could challenge myself with, but was ultimately a waste of time. I was never that focused, never had energy, and sometimes hated myself in those years because I felt like I was being controlled and wasn't living up to my potential. (I was right). Part of my problem was that I worked shift work, so the nights sapped my strength and didn't help me at all.
There were a lot of girls who were interested in me, but I was too stupid to see it and worried at the same time that I would have sexual problems. I would go out on a date or three and usually look for an excuse to get out of it. I started to develop very low self esteem and self confidence, simply because I wasn't myself, not the guy I was in my late teens and early 20s, when I could do anything. I started to measure women on a hotness scale all the time.
When I was 35, I started to "wake up". I started going to the gym and forcing myself to change careers at work, and get off my ass. I lost 80 lbs and looked pretty damn good by the time I was 36. My life started to drastically improve. I stopped playing video games except for a few hours a week, I pretty much quit the internet except a bit on my ipad at night, etc. I was getting a lot happier, and my friends could see it. However, I was still jerking off to porn.
When did I figure out I had a problem?
In 2013, I met a nice girl in Greece and began a long distance relationship with her. In March 2014, I discovered that when I was with her and she was jerking me off, I could barely get an erection. I started searching for the causes, and came across this website back in April of 2014. I started NoFap right after, including meditation, cold showers, etc. I resolved to never jerk off again. I did pretty good actually and didn't PMO until about the end of June and I was doing some MO here and there while with my girlfriend in Greece. On the whole, I managed to go about 60 days with no Porn, but I did MO a few times. My erection got better, but I couldn't just fuck the girl the way I wanted too, which also caused me a lot of frustration. She was a virgin too, and pretty conservative and scared and wouldn't let me stick it in her either. She wouldn't allow me to go down on her, etc, so there was a lot of sexual frustration. Try holding your cock above a girls vagina for 5 minutes while she thinks about letting you in oh so slowly... it doesn't work.
I don't want to give any impression that I was with this girl "for sex", I wasn't. I was looking for a companion, I am only writing about the sex because that is what is relevant here to this forum.
We broke up in the end of July, not because of my dick, but that did cause a bit more anxiety and fear in me. Its possible if I had fucked her brains out, I would of felt more secure in my relationship with her, but that isn't the main reason we broke up. Look, I just want to feel free with my love, and have sex that we both enjoy and blow her mind out, so she loves it. I couldn't because of my semi-hardon that disappeared after a few minutes.
Anyways, when I came back to Canada, I started PMOing again, not much, but a bit. Maybe once every few days. I knew the danger and was trying not to do much of it, but I was still doing it....
In early October, I had major surgery for an injury and I was off for 5 months from work. Initially, I said I was going to use this time to stop jerking off, but a few weeks into October found me PMO and by November to January, I was going hardcore PMO, some days 5-10 times. I had a lot of breaks in there where I didn't do any of it, but I was off work, recovering from injury, heart broken from my break up, somewhat depressed from being stuck at home, etc, etc and the only good things I felt was jerking off. If I had a girlfriend there with me, I would of been fine, but I didn't.
I also started gaining weight, and put on about 30-40 lbs again, since I couldn't do anything but eat. Food and jerking off felt great!
In January, I have resolved to fucking quit this shit again whatever it takes and get a hold of my weight again and start recovering my mental state and body. I cut it down significantly, and started to go days between PMO sessions, until I could get myself into a mental place where the diet, NoFap, etc all formed into a single unit that I could focus on.
On Feb 15, I managed to get myself into a state of mind where I could say NO, and I have not PMO or MO'ed or anything since that day, making me about 9 days PMO/MO/free.
I have been playing some video games and browsing some internet sites, which I am wondering if I should quit entirely. Once I can freely work out again, I know I will stop the video games, as I have barely played them since I was 35 (except for the last few months due to boredom).
What have I experienced sine Feb 15, 2015 when I started NoFap again?
-Complete dead dick/flat line. I have no urge to look at porn, jerk off, or do anything. My dick has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and feels like a useless appendage. This is the exact same thing I had back in April of 2014 when I tried then to quit.
-I've woken up twice with some weak "pee morning wood", meaning I have a bit of a hard on, mostly do to me wanting to pee I think.
-One night I woke up feeling a bit of a hard on, as I think I was fantasizing in the middle of the night.
So overall, my dick is a useless flap right now and I do not feel sexual at all. Dead dick is a perfect word.
On the flip side, I feel no urge to jerk off and I have no urge to look at porn. I feel decent as well, not like I am going through any withdrawl or anything. We will see what happens when I quit playing games and kill the internet again
I know in a week or two, my sex drive will start to wake up a bit, and then I will want to fuck something... and that is when it will be tough not to resort to jerking off... I don't feel I "need" to see Porn. I know I would need it or major fantasizing to get a hard on though, it wouldn't happen from touch alone.
My future:
I started talking with a new young woman last Saturday (Feb 21), so we will see what happens. She seems very nice, funny and interested. I've seen her in the past and found her attractive. Obviously, I have no clue at this point if I am compatible with her, but I do wish to find out because as I said above, she seems very nice, funny, interested and like a good person. I am looking for somebody to be a good companion for me. On the flip side, I am scared if I go meet her, she may want to get into a full blown relationship with me, and while that is exactly what I want, I am just worried when things get sexual, I will not be ready for it, and see her walk out of my life because of my own damned addiction that has caused these issues. It isn't her fault I was an idiot for years.
The doctor told me to refrain from major physical activity, including sex until at least June, and I have jokenly told her that. So maybe that gives me enough time to get my dick in order. Its possible the relationship will not go that far anyways, though I hope it does since she seems like a wonderful person.
Whatever happens with this nice young woman, I know that I am going to focus on putting this bullshit behind myself, getting my strength back and improving myself again. I will be 40 in 18 months, and if I am not in a stead relationship by that point, I want myself to be 100% physically and mentally strong. If I am with her, then I want her to have a great, whole man to herself. If I am not, then I want to be whole for the next woman. Either way, I want to be whole for MYSELF. That is my goal.
I began it at 35, I know that Porn is a piece of part of the puzzle and I had a major setback with my injury and surgery, but I am resolved to be 100% myself by the time I am 40.
So this is my journey and journal. I hope I can do this and eventually offer an example for other people, such as Gabe and others have offered for many of us.
