Ted's journal

[Ted]

It's been 4 days since my last PMO on Friday, February 20th. I loge don this morning to find some strength. This is my danger time when I'm alone in the house. I'm the last one out of the house in the morning with a full hour to myself.  This is usually my PMO opportunity for the day.  I'm feeling weak this morning but trying to work through it. I'm dying with cravings to jump online and take a peek.

Does anyone have suggestions about planning for triggers and how to fill those time slots that previously were your opportunities to jerk off?

Feeling weak in the NORTHEAST,
Ted

 

[Phase2]

Well, you know your trigger. It's that hour alone in the house. So that's easy to fix: get out of the house! Use that hour in a new way. Go to gym. Take a long walk. Go to the library. Go to a coffee shop and write in a journal or read a NOFAP article or book, etc. The one thing you don't want to do is have this battle every single day. This one hour where you have to struggle can be completely erased. Change the rules and the battle goes away and then you win easily.

 

[Curtis]

Ted--Phase2 said it best: shake it up, in terms of a routine, especially if you have a predictable pattern. You've got the willingness to do no PMO; I've kind of found it helpful to sabotage future PMO moments when I'm not at risk. I moved my computer to a public spot, for instance, and told a few people of "my little problem" both online and in real time, to be accountable to. I think willingness allows an honesty...that helps navigate weak moments.

But when all else fails, there's nothing I would be able to find on my computer, anyway. In a clear moment, I purged my cache of images and videos (wow, that was hard...but a good channel for my anger at that moment). And at the suggestion of everyone here, I installed k9 blocker (for free) on my computer. The key for me was to scramble up the password so I don't remember it...if I didn't, I would not have made it past day 10. I did test this out doing my usual favorite search...and ended up with a boring Wikipedia article on my favorite topic. I laughed out loud, in self-awareness of how I had surrendered all control to porn addiction. The k9 blocker keeps me committed to my no PMO goal, when my own will power comes up way, way short. You're in the right place.

 

[notgivinup]

Hey Ted. I'm glad you're here.

Yes...I echo what has already been written....get out of the house. Go do something out of the house so you're not there alone.

You know why you are here and you know what brought you to this place and to this point in your life. Do whatever it takes to get away from it. Don't struggle in the place where you know it will be difficult to resist...just do something different.

I also suggest that you download the k9 filter for your computer. Get someone else to have the password...if you can do that. Either way, it will slow you down and help keep you from getting to stuff on you computer. It also works on mobile devices. It will also block ads and stuff you don't want to see...depending on the level of filtering you choose.

I'm about to day 27. One of the best things I have ever done was to be here and to engage here. My life is getting better, and relationships are getting better.

Really glad you are here.

Porn and m are NOT an option.

 

[savingmysoul]

Welcome to the Nation Ted

As has been stated - if the urge presents itself you need to have a plan in place as the what you will do, where you will go.  Find healthy activities to pursue, read, cook, exercise - something you can get both your mind and body into and away from the urge.  After awhile your healthy activities will begin to replace all the bad stuff.

Stay strong my brother - you can beat this.

 

[Ted]

Thanks everyone,

All good advice here. Planning an activity during the last hour of the morning is GREAT advice. I'm starting tomorrow by going to work early. I'll get ready with the rest of the family and leave immediately after they do. I've always used that time for PMO but clearly being at work eliminates that possibility. The next question I have is about K9 blocker. My spouse is an IT specialist for a living so I feel I might be easily revealed.

I did not PMO or MO today.  That takes me to day 4.  You guys are great!

Thanks,
Ted

 

[Jimmy James]

My spouse is an IT specialist for a living so I feel I might be easily revealed.

What is going to be revealed?  That you watched porn in the past or that you are rebooting?

If she is an IT specialist, don't you think she already knows about your past porn habit?  She sounds like she could be a great ally in this war on porn if you are willing to talk to her about it.

 

[Ted]

I can't talk about it with her I am too ashamed and disgusted with myself for being such a perverted pig.

Wow, writing this post made me break down and cry for a minute. I haven't sob cried like that in months. I guess I needed it.

Thanks for reading this for me.
Ted

 

[emanedur]

Hi Ted.Just wanted to send you my encouragement and good wishes.Almost 5 days is awesome.Try not to be too hard on yourself.I think everyone here has felt disgust at themselves,I sure have.You could have just as easily stayed a slave to porn but you are tackling it head on.That to me is courage.Stay strong.

 

[Jimmy James]

Ted, why not ask your wife how to protect your kids from accidentally viewing porn? She might get on board with installing K9 or something else in order to protect the kids.

 

[notgivinup]

Ted...just read your last post. It's going to be normal to feel some emotions. As you say no to the "drug" of pm and what it does to the brain, you'll begin to feel other things...and it may not all be fun, but it will be good....good for you to feel it.

So, you are making the right choices now. The pull and the attraction and the dependence on all the pmo didn't develop over night...and it won't change over night, but it will change over time. One day at a time.

I agree with what has been written earlier...seems that your wife might already know. But, if you have children...it would be good to add the k9 to protect them anyway. It's a great tool, and it is effective.

I'm really happy that you are on day 5. Congratulations...that is a huge accomplishment.

Keep going...and find things to replace your pmo habits.

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you. Thanks.

P&M are NOT an option.

 

[Ted]

Hello Everyone,

Checking in with everyone to see how we're doing. I did not post yesterday because I was busy changing my routine and eliminating the opportunity to PMO and MO.  I left for work 30 minutes early yesterday...good job to avoid being home alone.  I was hyper aware last night of my erections during my sleep and morning wood this morning. The craving to MO is strong today and I want to jump in the warm shower and rub one out. I'm trying to be strong. I know I must eliminate PMO and MO during this time of reboot but biology sometimes has a way of taking over. I remind myself that if my body needs to ejaculate then I will naturally have a wet dream. I'm trying to stay strong. Just like defecation & urination, ejaculating is a bodily function. BUT, if my body needs to ejaculate then my brain will give me a wet dream, not my hand. I have only had two wet dreams in my life and they both occurred prior to age 20 y\o. I have not ejaculated in 6 days.

I really don't feel qualified to comment on the recovery of others. Just know that I read your posts and feel success from your success and take lessons from your experience. Is amazing how similar our stories are. Thank everyone for commenting when I post. I do appreciate the support and it means everything.  There is NO ONE I can tell about this in my personal life so without this on-line community I would certainly relapse. Unlike when I quit smoking everyone knew of my intentions so there was overwhelming support and people checking on me. Instead of logging on to my favorite porn site, I log on to Reboot Nation. This is a much better use of my time and energy. One of he members wrote: "I want to be someone who is honest and trustworthy. I cannot use porn AND be honest and trustworthy because using porn demands me to be secretive and therefore dishonest." The quote resonates with me because this is who I am. Looking back now and eliminating the porn in my life, I have been struck by how much money I spend on porn and how much effort I put into covering my use. It's amazing.

I have more to write about my recreational abuse of  Cialis and Viagra during my binge sessions. I am biologically functional and it was just a way to fuel and extend my PMO. I am a healthy, fit male with normal erections and all I had to do was ask my Urologist for an RX and he gave it willingly. But that's another topic for another post.  In the meantime, let me know about your stories and how you're feeling.

It's been 6 days since my last PMO and I have not participated in MO either.

Thanks,
Ted

 

[Ted]

Special thanks to "emandur" for checking on me today. Sorry to disappoint you buddy, I was weak today.

Just checking in for quick post before bed. I don't know quite what to make of my day.  It was a dangerous day. I watched porn but did not PMO. I did get aroused while watching but did not MO. I kept my hands above my waist and to myself. I guess technically I should reset my counter, but I did not touch myself and did not ejaculate so really I only watched porn and got an erection. It was only for a few minutes but I still got my jolt of dopamine so I guess that does it for my streak. I was weak and frustrated ad had a bad day and just wanted to feel better. It didn't help, it only made me feel worse. I learned a lesson today. It will make me stronger.

More tomorrow.

It has been six days since I ejaculated and today was a tough day, but I made it.

Thanks for reading my post.
Ted

 

[notgivinup]

Hey Ted....good job on not fapping. I know it is rough at the beginning. You're doing great. Just coming here and reading and adding to your journal instead of spending hours online in the garbage is progress.

I hope you get a copy of Your Brain on Porn. It will help a lot if you read it.

I think I'm on about day 28.....hard to believe...but so glad for the changes.

I'm really glad you are here and glad to see you are sticking with it.

I look forward to reading more about your progress. We are doing this - one day at a time.

Porn is NOT an option.

 

[emanedur]

Hi Ted.Sh*t happens.It was only a little slip,but yeah as you said dangerous.Glad to hear your still committed.I've been having a bit of a time myself,you are definitely not going through this by yourself.Keep up the fight.

 

[Ted]

Good Morning from the NORTHEAST,

I have to admit today I'm feeling better this morning.  It was one week ago today since my last binge PMO. I'm feeling optimistic about the weekend and feel strong that I've made it a week. Yesterdays slip taught me that I need to purge my computer of my images, install K9 blocker and clean up my hiding places where I stash porn. My phone device too. Rid all the access to porn for those weak moments, like yesterday, is the best safe guard. I learned yesterday that when I'm feeling bad and weak and begin wavering from my commitment, I'm prone to relapse. And when I relapse it only serves to make me feel worse.

Please share your stories with me. I am interested in your success and learn from your experience. Please feel free to message me.

Congratulations "notgivingup" on day 28.  You're a real role model to me. I really appreciate you and hope to read more about your successes.
Thanks for checking in on me "emandor" Your brotherhood is appreciated. Please be strong and hang in here. You're not going through this alone either.

I am struck by the societal pressure that talking about masturbation with each other is avoided while it's developing normally. Does anyone talk to their sons about TOO MUCH jerking off and the dangers of porn? I didn't. But now when we've developed as addicts to porn and masturbation we come together in this community to assist and be supportive.  I love the community here, but if we talked to our sons and young men about the dangers of too much M and P, and instilled in them a sense of moderation and acceptable levels of behavior, perhaps our numbers here would be reduced.

"I want to be someone who is honest and trustworthy. I cannot use porn AND be honest and trustworthy because using porn demands me to be secretive and therefore dishonest." This quote resonates with me because for the amount of covering I do on a daily basis. Its exhausting. Reboot Nation is the one place I can be honest and admit to your guy I use porn too much and my porn use is automatic in some situations.

Thanks for reading my post. It's been a week since my last binge PMO.
Ted

 

[emanedur]

Hi Ted.A whole week,awesome achievement.I'm glad to hear your feeling better and it's a good idea about the blocker,I really should get one myself.Now I think of it,my wife was always very keen to get one in the early days but I always managed to put it off as obviously back then that was the last thing I wanted.Even though I stopped collecting P a few years back I can remember feeling quite liberated deleting my collection when I did have one.It was a bit of a relief really.Keep up the good fight.