avesraggiana
Member
Hi, Guys. I copied the post below from my journal which I began over two months ago on our ?brother website?, YourBrainOnPorn.com. I?m very pleased to report that in just a little over two months I?ve experienced some very welcome changes in my sexual functioning. Even though I?m not quite in the same place I was when I wrote my remarks below, I?ve included them here to introduce myself. Here they are.
I?m fifty years old, an OUT and pretty well-adjusted gay man. On the surface, my life is a pretty happy and successful one. I?ve got a great job that pays well in a profession I love, I get to work with lots of really great people - their acceptance of me has for years, been completely unanimous; I come from a close and loving family; my finances are secure; I?ve got a few close friends and lots and lots of acquaintances. So apart from being terminally single and not experiencing much success in personal relationships, I can really say that for most of my life and in most parts of my life, I?m very blessed.
I first got addicted to high speed porn about eight years ago. I discovered that both while travelling for work or at home, I could get as much as online porn as I wanted, much of it for free. For eight years I feasted, I gorged, and I binged. It was my THING to lie on my bed every night and jack off to my laptop as the last thing I did before going to sleep. Completely innocuous, or so I thought.
About four years ago, I got together with a favourite fuck buddy. He was and remains a favourite and until that moment four years ago, a total turn-on for me. To my complete dismay, nothing he did, or I did, could get me up! We finished our business and went our separate ways until the next time. I forgot about this incident because the very next time, I had NO trouble getting it up with somebody else. Then, a few months later, it happened AGAIN! So on it went like this for several months. Sometimes my pecker was there, sometimes it wasn?t.
Did the usual thing - went to the doctor to get myself checked - all normal. In the meantime I continued jacking off to porn almost every night and sometimes in the morning, completely oblivious to all the changes that were happening in my brain - with the predictable results: the more I jacked off to porn, the less I seemed to be able to get it up with a sex partner. It didn?t matter whether this guy was a random hookup, a regular fuck buddy or someone I was seriously dating. My ability to get it up was becoming more and more maddeningly inconsistent. So then I jacked off to porn some more!
I had a glimmer of an epiphany some time early last year, when I first happened on this website. After skimming through a few articles but not delving too deeply, I imposed on myself, a fast on all porn. I allowed myself to jack off but only to my mind?s images, and to hook up, but NO ONLINE PORN. At all.
I made it quite easily to 100 days. Mind you, I was doing this in the aftermath of a horrendous breakup from a guy I DIDN?T want to break up with because I was still madly in love with him, but who turned out to be a textbook narcissist. A manipulative, emotionally abusive, jerk-douchebag. The fact that I didn?t break down and watch porn is a testament to either my inner fortitude or my completely destroyed inner emotional state.
I noticed after the 100 days that not only was I slowly feeling better after my breakup, but that my libido AND my erections had come back to full strength and dependability. So guess what I did, I went right back to jacking off to online porn. At first, only once a week, then twice a week, and then every other night and inevitably, every night, just like before. I also started dating another guy, very casually because it was long distance and also because he was more seriously dating someone else.
My problem of ED returned, only this time, much worse. I took Viagra and Cialis - made no difference. Tried supplements, diets and OTC pills - no difference. Acupuncture - no change. I started and kept ?testing myself?, in real life sexual encounters and through online porn. Both only made matters worse. I had to stop. I had to do something.
So I came back to this site. I read more articles, I watched Gabe?s youtube videos and got myself better informed. I?m now fully committed to NOT engaging in online porn indefinitely. For the time being, I will not masturbate either, until I feel my erections coming back, the ones I get for no reason other than I see a hot guy or that the fabric of my trousers is rubbing up on my cock. Because right now, NONE of that is happening. I WILL allow myself sex but NOT to orgasm, if I?m in the mood for it. But again, right now, I?m NOT.
I recognise that I?ve been in FLATLINE almost from the beginning of this latest personal NOFAP challenge which I started on December 19th 2014. It?s been distressingly easy. No sexual desire at all, no sexual thoughts and apart from morning wood, no reaction or action from my penis. At all. And yes I?ve got shrunken cock and balls thing going too. The last three sexual encounters I?ve had since late December have resulted in my remaining soft the whole time but getting off all the same. It?s been ben pretty weird.
It?s also all been pretty distressing and frightening. I?m afraid I?ll never get out of this flatline, I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of getting an erection just because, well, just BECAUSE. I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of checking out another guy and getting SOME kind of reaction down there, I?m afraid I?ll never know the erotic, sheer physical pleasure of feeling another human being?s body against mine.
This whole flatline thing seems so final, and I have to keep coming back to this board to remind myself that it?s not.
In the meantime, I don?t foresee myself having any problems staying away from porn, refraining from masturbating or engaging in sex, simply because my desire is not there. It will be interesting to see just how long I can go. I think I?ll set up an initial goal of NO PORN for 120 days. Just to see if I can do it.
I invite you to give whatever input you can offer, especially for those who have gone through, or are going through this NO MAN?S LAND of the Flatline.
And by the way, contrary to myth, you DO NOT turn gay by reading and responding to a gay man?s journal. I promise. All my life, I?ve seen and heard about tits and pussy, I?ve watched thousands of straight-themed movies, read thousands of books, listened to thousands of songs, attended scores of straight weddings, and bachelor parties, heard dozens of girlfriend-boyfriend, husband-wife relationship problems, been shown pictures of colleagues? opposite sex partners, listened ad nauseum to guys raving and bitching about chicks, and chicks raving and bitching about dudes, listened to guys tell me about their most intimate problems they?re having with their girl, watched straight couples kiss and make out in public, and none of it, NONE OF IT, has turned me straight. I still like guys.
So feel free to read my journal even if you?re straight. And feel free to comment. No one will think any less of you for doing so. Whatever team we play for, this PIED affects us all in pretty much the same shitty way. And I bet our paths to recovery are pretty similar too.
Cheers, guys!
I?m fifty years old, an OUT and pretty well-adjusted gay man. On the surface, my life is a pretty happy and successful one. I?ve got a great job that pays well in a profession I love, I get to work with lots of really great people - their acceptance of me has for years, been completely unanimous; I come from a close and loving family; my finances are secure; I?ve got a few close friends and lots and lots of acquaintances. So apart from being terminally single and not experiencing much success in personal relationships, I can really say that for most of my life and in most parts of my life, I?m very blessed.
I first got addicted to high speed porn about eight years ago. I discovered that both while travelling for work or at home, I could get as much as online porn as I wanted, much of it for free. For eight years I feasted, I gorged, and I binged. It was my THING to lie on my bed every night and jack off to my laptop as the last thing I did before going to sleep. Completely innocuous, or so I thought.
About four years ago, I got together with a favourite fuck buddy. He was and remains a favourite and until that moment four years ago, a total turn-on for me. To my complete dismay, nothing he did, or I did, could get me up! We finished our business and went our separate ways until the next time. I forgot about this incident because the very next time, I had NO trouble getting it up with somebody else. Then, a few months later, it happened AGAIN! So on it went like this for several months. Sometimes my pecker was there, sometimes it wasn?t.
Did the usual thing - went to the doctor to get myself checked - all normal. In the meantime I continued jacking off to porn almost every night and sometimes in the morning, completely oblivious to all the changes that were happening in my brain - with the predictable results: the more I jacked off to porn, the less I seemed to be able to get it up with a sex partner. It didn?t matter whether this guy was a random hookup, a regular fuck buddy or someone I was seriously dating. My ability to get it up was becoming more and more maddeningly inconsistent. So then I jacked off to porn some more!
I had a glimmer of an epiphany some time early last year, when I first happened on this website. After skimming through a few articles but not delving too deeply, I imposed on myself, a fast on all porn. I allowed myself to jack off but only to my mind?s images, and to hook up, but NO ONLINE PORN. At all.
I made it quite easily to 100 days. Mind you, I was doing this in the aftermath of a horrendous breakup from a guy I DIDN?T want to break up with because I was still madly in love with him, but who turned out to be a textbook narcissist. A manipulative, emotionally abusive, jerk-douchebag. The fact that I didn?t break down and watch porn is a testament to either my inner fortitude or my completely destroyed inner emotional state.
I noticed after the 100 days that not only was I slowly feeling better after my breakup, but that my libido AND my erections had come back to full strength and dependability. So guess what I did, I went right back to jacking off to online porn. At first, only once a week, then twice a week, and then every other night and inevitably, every night, just like before. I also started dating another guy, very casually because it was long distance and also because he was more seriously dating someone else.
My problem of ED returned, only this time, much worse. I took Viagra and Cialis - made no difference. Tried supplements, diets and OTC pills - no difference. Acupuncture - no change. I started and kept ?testing myself?, in real life sexual encounters and through online porn. Both only made matters worse. I had to stop. I had to do something.
So I came back to this site. I read more articles, I watched Gabe?s youtube videos and got myself better informed. I?m now fully committed to NOT engaging in online porn indefinitely. For the time being, I will not masturbate either, until I feel my erections coming back, the ones I get for no reason other than I see a hot guy or that the fabric of my trousers is rubbing up on my cock. Because right now, NONE of that is happening. I WILL allow myself sex but NOT to orgasm, if I?m in the mood for it. But again, right now, I?m NOT.
I recognise that I?ve been in FLATLINE almost from the beginning of this latest personal NOFAP challenge which I started on December 19th 2014. It?s been distressingly easy. No sexual desire at all, no sexual thoughts and apart from morning wood, no reaction or action from my penis. At all. And yes I?ve got shrunken cock and balls thing going too. The last three sexual encounters I?ve had since late December have resulted in my remaining soft the whole time but getting off all the same. It?s been ben pretty weird.
It?s also all been pretty distressing and frightening. I?m afraid I?ll never get out of this flatline, I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of getting an erection just because, well, just BECAUSE. I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of checking out another guy and getting SOME kind of reaction down there, I?m afraid I?ll never know the erotic, sheer physical pleasure of feeling another human being?s body against mine.
This whole flatline thing seems so final, and I have to keep coming back to this board to remind myself that it?s not.
In the meantime, I don?t foresee myself having any problems staying away from porn, refraining from masturbating or engaging in sex, simply because my desire is not there. It will be interesting to see just how long I can go. I think I?ll set up an initial goal of NO PORN for 120 days. Just to see if I can do it.
I invite you to give whatever input you can offer, especially for those who have gone through, or are going through this NO MAN?S LAND of the Flatline.
And by the way, contrary to myth, you DO NOT turn gay by reading and responding to a gay man?s journal. I promise. All my life, I?ve seen and heard about tits and pussy, I?ve watched thousands of straight-themed movies, read thousands of books, listened to thousands of songs, attended scores of straight weddings, and bachelor parties, heard dozens of girlfriend-boyfriend, husband-wife relationship problems, been shown pictures of colleagues? opposite sex partners, listened ad nauseum to guys raving and bitching about chicks, and chicks raving and bitching about dudes, listened to guys tell me about their most intimate problems they?re having with their girl, watched straight couples kiss and make out in public, and none of it, NONE OF IT, has turned me straight. I still like guys.
So feel free to read my journal even if you?re straight. And feel free to comment. No one will think any less of you for doing so. Whatever team we play for, this PIED affects us all in pretty much the same shitty way. And I bet our paths to recovery are pretty similar too.
Cheers, guys!