Porn Is Not My Reality Anymore.

[avesraggiana]

Hi, Guys.  I copied the post below from my journal which I began over two months ago on our ?brother website?, YourBrainOnPorn.com.  I?m very pleased to report that in just a little over two months I?ve experienced some very welcome changes in my sexual functioning.  Even though I?m not quite in the same place I was when I wrote my remarks below, I?ve included them here to introduce myself.  Here they are.


I?m fifty years old, an OUT and pretty well-adjusted gay man.  On the surface, my life is a pretty happy and successful one.  I?ve got a great job that pays well in a profession I love, I get to work with lots of really great people - their acceptance of me has for years, been completely unanimous; I come from a close and loving family; my finances are secure; I?ve got a few close friends and lots and lots of acquaintances.  So apart from being terminally single and not experiencing much success in personal relationships, I can really say that for most of my life and in most parts of my life, I?m very blessed.

I first got addicted to high speed porn about eight years ago.  I discovered that both while travelling for work or at home, I could get as much as online porn as I wanted, much of it for free.  For eight years I feasted, I gorged, and I binged.  It was my THING to lie on my bed every night and jack off to my laptop as the last thing I did before going to sleep.  Completely innocuous, or so I thought.

About four years ago, I got together with a favourite fuck buddy.  He was and remains a favourite and until that moment four years ago, a total turn-on for me.  To my complete dismay, nothing he did, or I did, could get me up!  We finished our business and went our separate ways until the next time.  I forgot about this incident because the very next time, I had NO trouble getting it up with somebody else.  Then, a few months later, it happened AGAIN!  So on it went like this for several months.  Sometimes my pecker was there, sometimes it wasn?t. 

Did the usual thing - went to the doctor to get myself checked - all normal. In the meantime I continued jacking off to porn almost every night and sometimes in the morning, completely oblivious to all the changes that were happening in my brain - with the predictable results: the more I jacked off to porn, the less I seemed to be able to get it up with a sex partner.  It didn?t matter whether this guy was a random hookup, a regular fuck buddy or someone I was seriously dating.  My ability to get it up was becoming more and more maddeningly inconsistent.  So then I jacked off to porn some more! 

I had a glimmer of an epiphany some time early last year, when I first happened on this website.  After skimming through a few articles but not delving too deeply, I imposed on myself, a fast on all porn.  I allowed myself to jack off but only to my mind?s images, and to hook up, but NO ONLINE PORN.  At all. 

I made it quite easily to 100 days.  Mind you, I was doing this in the aftermath of a horrendous breakup from a guy I DIDN?T want to break up with because I was still madly in love with him, but who turned out to be a textbook narcissist.  A manipulative, emotionally abusive, jerk-douchebag.  The fact that I didn?t break down and watch porn is a testament to either my inner fortitude or my completely destroyed inner emotional state. 

I noticed after the 100 days that not only was I slowly feeling better after my breakup, but  that my libido AND my erections had come back to full strength and dependability.  So guess what I did, I went right back to jacking off to online porn.  At first, only once a week, then twice a week, and then every other night and inevitably, every night, just like before.  I also started dating another guy, very casually because it was long distance and also because he was more seriously dating someone else. 

My problem of ED returned, only this time, much worse.  I took Viagra and Cialis - made no difference.  Tried supplements, diets and OTC pills - no difference.  Acupuncture - no change.  I started and kept ?testing myself?, in real life sexual encounters and through online porn.  Both only made matters worse.  I had to stop.  I had to do something.

So I came back to this site.  I read more articles, I watched Gabe?s youtube videos and got myself better informed.  I?m now fully committed to NOT engaging in online porn indefinitely.  For the time being, I will not masturbate either, until I feel my erections coming back, the ones I get for no reason other than I see a hot guy or that the fabric of my trousers is rubbing up on my cock.  Because right now, NONE of that is happening.  I WILL allow myself sex but NOT to orgasm, if I?m in the mood for it.  But again, right now, I?m NOT.

I recognise that I?ve been in FLATLINE almost from the beginning of this latest personal NOFAP challenge which I started on December 19th 2014.  It?s been distressingly easy.  No sexual desire at all, no sexual thoughts and apart from morning wood, no reaction or action from my penis.  At all.  And yes I?ve got shrunken cock and balls thing going too.  The last three sexual encounters I?ve had since late December have resulted in my remaining soft the whole time but getting off all the same.  It?s been ben pretty weird. 

It?s also all been pretty distressing and frightening.  I?m afraid I?ll never get out of this flatline, I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of getting an erection just because, well, just BECAUSE.  I?m afraid I?ll never enjoy the pleasure of checking out another guy and getting SOME kind of reaction down there, I?m afraid I?ll never know the erotic, sheer physical pleasure of feeling another human being?s body against mine. 

This whole flatline thing seems so final, and I have to keep coming back to this board to remind myself that it?s not. 

In the meantime, I don?t foresee myself having any problems staying away from porn, refraining from masturbating or engaging in sex, simply because my desire is not there.  It will be interesting to see just how long I can go.  I think I?ll set up an initial goal of NO PORN for 120 days.  Just to see if I can do it.

I invite you to give whatever input you can offer, especially for those who have gone through, or are going through this NO MAN?S LAND of the Flatline.

And by the way, contrary to myth, you DO NOT turn gay by reading and responding to a gay man?s journal.  I promise. All my life, I?ve seen and heard about tits and pussy, I?ve watched thousands of straight-themed movies, read thousands of books, listened to thousands of songs, attended scores of straight weddings, and bachelor parties, heard dozens of girlfriend-boyfriend, husband-wife relationship problems, been shown pictures of colleagues? opposite sex partners,  listened ad nauseum to guys raving and bitching about chicks, and chicks raving and bitching about dudes, listened to guys tell me about their most intimate problems they?re having with their girl, watched straight couples kiss and make out in public,  and none of it, NONE OF IT, has turned me straight. I still like guys.

So feel free to read my journal even if you?re straight.  And feel free to comment.  No one will think any less of you for doing so.  Whatever team we play for, this PIED affects us all in pretty much the same shitty way.  And I bet our paths to recovery are pretty similar too.


Cheers, guys!

 

[Phase2]

Thank you for posting this. It's hard for me to keep up with everyone's stories since we post on each other's journals and then have our own journal and then we also post some info on other sites. So, this was a good reminder of your struggle which weirdly, is so very very similar to mine. I'm on the edge of my seat, so how are you doing now? You can't just leave us in the flatline! lol

One question. So you had a good experience with the masseur. I've had a couple good experiences with a hook up and a fuck buddy. But are these just 'novelty' experiences for us? During the height of my PIED, the only thing that would work for me was a Cialis-assisted hook-up with a brand new guy. Novelty seemed to be the only turn on I could rely on--and is part of what Gary Wilson says is so important in the brain-porn hijack. If I went back for seconds, it was back to PIED. So, I'm Day 73 no PMO and I feel like I'm clawing my way out of flatline, but am wondering if what is turning me on is the possibility of some of these one-offs happening again. I mean, I'm definitely open to those, but would also like to get my dick going back full time for all types of situations--mostly a boyfriend. (One side note, the two O's I've had in 73 days have sent me back into flatline for a week or so each. So technically, I'm 'clawing my way out of' my third flatline.)

Anyway, that is why I'm curious to know how you are progressing. Thanks!

 

[lyon03]

"And by the way, contrary to myth, you DO NOT turn gay by reading and responding to a gay man?s journal.  I promise."

I've read your post and have just turned gay. Thanks! Now I'll never have to deal with "What are you thinking?" from a woman ever again. Glad you've created your own thread brother. Yet another member of RN's pink army. Be well.

 

[avesraggiana]

Lyon3 - You?re such a wise guy.  And I love you for it!

Phase2 - I?ve copied two posts regarding my two sex experiences beginning my reboot.  I have to tell you, I don?t feel I?m completely out of Flatline either, but I also don?t think that having had sex with suitable partners has set me back.  For me, getting together with these guys was a great release after not having had an orgasm in almost two months.  And what was enormously reassuring was having the experiencing of everything working again! 

For me, novelty doesn?t seem to figure as a prerequisite for sex to orgasm.  If anything, getting together with guys I already had come to know, in the Biblical sense, was a great source of comfort.  I didn?t have to worry about ?first night jitters? and I could really let myself go and be really uninhibited with them.  My fuck buddy, mid-stroke, told me to lower my voice or else he?d have to shut the bedroom window or cover my mouth. 

The reason I believe myself to still be in Flatline is because, unless I?m actually in a sexual situation, I have no libido.  I feel very little in the way of sexual impulses.  In days past, before my PIED, I could be sitting in front of my computer as I am right now, have a sexual thought, and immediately pop a boner.  Or,  I could be stopped at a red traffic light, glance over at the hot bearded construction worker daddy in the truck next to me, and start imagining his rough hands peeling off my panties...and my boner?s off and running. This kind of thing is still not happening, not reliably and not strongly in any case.  That?s why I think I?m still in some low-grade Flatline.

Anyway, Phase2, read my comments below and make of them what you will.  Everyone?s journey out of this is different, as I?ve gathered from reading dozens of journals.  It just may be taking you longer than me, to return your naughty parts to normal sexual functioning.  For as long as you stay the course, along with the rest of us, I?m sure everything will turn out well.

Here?s the post regarding my trip to the masseur:

"Got a massage later in the afternoon replete with a Happy Ending.  First time in a long time that I managed to get and sustain a full-blooded, hard-enough-to-cut-glass, naturally induced erection in many, many months - followed by a very powerful orgasm.

I'm happy to report that I'm finally emerging out of Flatline.  Gradually, but surely.?


Here?s the other post regarding my time with my fuck buddy:

"Two days ago, I went for my second ?rewiring experience? since beginning my reboot sixty-seven days ago.  I got together with a regular fuck buddy.  Just like the first with a masseur, it was a completely enjoyable, enormously gratifying experience.  Everything worked!

I still worry that I?m in Flatline, and that I?ll ?never get out of it?.  But at this point, whether it?s true or not, it?s mainly my mind attempting to wreak havoc.  If my dick wants to remain in ?extended vacation? mode, really, why should I care?

And, even after all this time, I have STILL NOT experienced any urges to watch porn.  It?s not even on my radar and I?m guessing that after my self-imposed challenge is over, it won?t even be a part of my reality anymore.

Have a great day, guys!"

 

[marsturm]

Hey aves, It's great you've started your own thread and I'm happy you're here with us as part of the amazing Pink Reboot Nation Army. Curious to follow your journey and what you have to share. Much love and we can do it!

 

[avesraggiana]

Thank you so much, Patrick.  We need to have a potluck for all the gay members of RN!  The quintessentially gay thing to do would be to host a BRUNCH, replete with real china and silverware.  Only lesbians eat over the stove, and use paper plates and plastic cups.

 

[lyon03]

I make killer Eggs Benedict.

 

[lapdog]

Hey Aves, I'm a brother gay and it's so encouraging to read your post. I've made several attempts at overcoming my addiction and have been suffering a debilitating PIED. Today I joined the forum and am beginning my first serious attempt a long-term recovery. I hope all is going well for you and please keep us updated!

 

[avesraggiana]

Hello, lapdog!

Welcome to the party!  The Queen of the roost of course, is lyon3.  Make it a habit to read his journal since he posts something new almost everyday and much of what he writes is informative, inspiring and witty and very engaging. 

Now lyon3 may be the Queen, but the DIVA of the place is Patrick.  She's the one with blindingly brilliant, megawatt, to-kill-for tiara.  You need to get out of her way when you see her coming since she takes no prisoners.  Patrick doesn't post anywhere near as often as lyon3 does, but much of what he says is useful and very informative. 

Another one of our brothers you should follow is Phase2  who's been describing his journey of returning to himself as a fully sexual creature in the presence of another human being, and not a tablet screen.

Perhaps most importantly, start your own journal.  Keep posting, daily if possible, and let us know where you are in your recovery, and how things are going for you.  I believe that keeping a journal here makes you somehow accountable for your actions.  You make a promise to yourself to come out of your addictive behaviour, we're all here to help you keep it. 

I think I'm on Day 80 of my reboot.  I'm not in Hard Mode any longer, since I've already had two or three real-life sexual encounters beginning around Day 59.  I've even jacked off once, to fantasy involving real sexual partners.  All this has happened with no negative effects, and with no discernible return to the deep Flatline I was in when I began my reboot in late December.

Not once since beginning my reboot, have I been tempted to look at porn or anything porn related.  It just doesn't interest me anymore. It's as if a switch in my brain has flipped.  Now that I realise what porn has done to my brain, and now that I realise that nothing, absolutely nothing can compare with the thrill and excitement and erotic charge of a real sexual encounter with another human being, I think I can safely say that I will never want to use porn again.  It just doesn't hold my interest anymore.

I wish you every success in your journey out of PIED darkness, lapdog.  Stay the course, stay strong, and whenever you take a stumble, remember to forgive yourself as soon as possible - and just press on. 

 

[lyon03]

This is clutch your pearls funny. I wish you posted more my friend. Consider it a royal prerogative. Be well brother. LACK OF HUMOUR IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[StevenT]

I really enjoyed reading your story, avesraggiana. It's helpful to hear of others who are dealing with flatline and PIED. I also have been struggling with PIED without realizing the porn connection. I still carry a lot of shame due to the many times I couldn't get it up even when I was with a hot guy. I used to think it was due to performance anxiety, but now I know the damage my porn addiction has caused. As a fellow gay brother, I can relate to your story. Thanks for sharing!

 

[lapdog]

Thanks for the encouragement and wise words. I'm excited about my recovery and you can plan on me being a regular presence. here!