Hi Ria,
I am brand spanking new to this site and clicked on your post because it rang the most true for me. I have been trying to help my husband through his porn addiction for 12 years. 12 YEARS! Now, I'm sure plenty out there would say, "well then, doesn't that make you an enabler?". I suppose it does, and I suppose I am just now realizing this. That said, I do not think it is fair to disregard how those feel (spouses, girlfriends, or boyfriends) that are affected by the actions of what their significant others have chosen to do behind the backs of their loved ones.
First I want to say, while I understand what others here are saying about encouraging you not to hurt yourself and I of course encourage the same, I completely empathize with that feeling. I have been there. What I can say that I hope helps, please remember this is HIS problem, not yours. That is easier said then done, I know, because it is hurtful when they slide back and you discover it. It does make you feel worthless and unvalued, even though everyone out there, possibly your spouse as well, are telling you "its not your fault, it has nothing to do with you". I'm sorry everyone, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends whoever you maybe, it doesn't feel that way to the person who has to deal with the fact that the person who promised to love and only be intimate with them has chosen to step away and find intimacy (or the lack thereof) somewhere else. It doesn't feel like its not my problem when I can't enjoy sex with my husband because there is the giant white elephant in the room with the constant dialog in my head " Are you pushing your butt out just right? Your not letting him see your c-section scar are you? Oh, remember not to try and touch him when he gets into that position cause he'll lose his erection if you do" . I'm sorry, it feels very much like our problem folks. So Ria, I do empathize and I am there with you. I don't hurt myself though and I do pull myself out of getting too down on myself about it, because while it hurts I have to remind myself that intimacy is not supposed to be about if I am looking the "part" enough. It is supposed to be about the two of us loving each other and expressing that love for each other. Its not selfish.
I am just now realizing that I have been a part of his problem, by allowing him to believe that kind of sex was ok. And by not standing up for myself and saying I deserve better. And girl we do.
I do not know your whole story, but for the sake of looking on the bright-side, he did confess this to you. Let me tell you, after 12 years of trying to figure this out I have NEVER had my husband do that. That is progress, or it seems that way to me. I know it hurts and you don't want to be here AGAIN, but I would have preferred I gotten that from my husband rather than having asked him repeatedly if he was slipping up, having him deny it repeatedly, and then waking up to him watching it in bed next to me, which is what I got. So you be the judge, its your situation, is it progress? If so, I know it hurts, thank him for the progress he's made. And then explain to him what that does to you, what square that puts your relationship back on, so to speak. While its awesome that he made progress and could confess to you his slip up. It doesn't make it hurt any less. While it is true, it is THEIR problem, and it definitely is, it hurts! And he needs to make it right when he can, if he can.
In the meantime, do things that make you feel better not worse about this. This is coming from someone who has been there and is there again (And mostly I'm giving this advice to myself as well) Find the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them, not things that will make it worse like allowing yourself to wallow in the what-ifs (thats what I've been prone to do in the past). Acknowledge where you are and make it better. You can't rely on him for that. He has to fix his stuff. You work on making you feel good. Whatever that may be. -thewife