this time its worst

[riahatesporn]

hi everyone I can't believe I'm back I just don't know what to do anymore I'm in so much pain and I'm at the point where I want to do suicide or even try making it look like my death is due to an accident...
so I called my husband around 6am and he confessed to me that he looked at p and he was checking an escort site I was like really is this what or how my morning should start it broke me big time just when I felt I'm starting to feel OK about myself he did it again... and this time its much worst because he admit that he's been checking out girls who are doing stuff online... help me I'm about to die.....
I tried eating earlier and threw up I am disgusted and I was thinking to my self does he really love me and does he really respect our marriage or me as a woman...when I remember what he did my body is shaking....

I DONT KNOW HOW ILL FEEL BETTER IM TRYING BUT IT HURTS SO BAD

 

[Revialk]

Sometimes I really don't know what I would do in the place of such women. It's difficult to guess if they husbands are really people who need help and want to change or if they are incompetents with they own lifes and family choosing rater the confort zone than the well being of they beloveds.

Its complicade to imagine the situation, but I would say you should give him a ultimatum to change. If he does not care then leave him, don't waste your life with him. I like this forum because people want to be better and fight for it. The egoist ones who stay weak and even harm the people arround don't deserve careness, they shall be in their darkness alone.

However, do what your hearth tells you.

 

[Maxime]

It's good to vent a bit sometimes, but please don't ever say ''if he loved me he wouldn't'' or ''if he loved me he would''. This is not a rational way to approach difficulty as a couple; it is emotional and destructive. By thinking like that, you are not helping him in any way. I'd even dare say you're hindering his progress. It's not about ''decisions''. Really not. I agree that some people are better at doing the right thing in a bad situation, but it's not about ''a decision''.
I'm with a super anxious girl and if I had kept saying ''gee, if she loved me, she'd stop panicking'' or ''next time she has a panic attack, I'm through'', I'd be done with her, but nobody would have learned anything from that. In your case, it means your boyfriend/husband spirals in porn, and you leave him expecting your next relationship to be easy, and if not, disposable anyway.

Again, I get it, you're mad. I know, I live the same; sometimes it feels like she doesn't do any progress. And I have my limits too, of course. But it's all in the approach.

 

[Will500]

Hi Ria,

Just wanted to say - please don't hurt yourself in any way.  The love and warmth in your heart shines through on this forum. The world needs that.  And you are not alone.  Talk to people here, talk to friends, talk to professionals too if that seems like a good idea.  Your husband's behaviour seems to be escalating though, and that is worrying. 

I would say, If you need time apart to heal and consider what you would like to do, take it.  As someone else said, you could give him an ultimatum. Maybe take a few days before you decide what feels right to do though, as you have just had a dreadful shock.  And I can't say if he loves you or not.  I know it is possible to care for someone and still struggle with an addiction, but he does not have a right to make you put up with his behaviour.  So think about what you want to do - if you want to give him another chance, fine, and if you don't, well it's your life and there's lots of ways you could live it....

And life does go on.  You can find a way through this.

Wishing you every blessing life has to offer,

Will.

 

[thewife]

Hi Ria,
    I am brand spanking new to this site and clicked on your post because it rang the most true for me. I have been trying to help my husband through his porn addiction for 12 years. 12 YEARS! Now, I'm sure plenty out there would say, "well then, doesn't that make you an enabler?". I suppose it does, and I suppose I am just now realizing this. That said, I do not think it is fair to disregard how those feel (spouses, girlfriends, or boyfriends) that are affected by the actions of what their significant others have chosen to do behind the backs of their loved ones.
    First I want to say, while I understand what others here are saying about encouraging you not to hurt yourself and I of course encourage the same, I completely empathize with that feeling. I have been there. What I can say that I hope helps, please remember this is HIS problem, not yours. That is easier said then done, I know, because it is hurtful when they slide back and you discover it. It does make you feel worthless and unvalued, even though everyone out there, possibly your spouse as well, are telling you "its not your fault, it has nothing to do with you". I'm sorry everyone, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends whoever you maybe, it doesn't feel that way to the person who has to deal with the fact that the person who promised to love and only be intimate with them has chosen to step away and find intimacy (or the lack thereof) somewhere else. It doesn't feel like its not my problem when I can't enjoy sex with my husband because there is the giant white elephant in the room with the constant dialog in my head " Are you pushing your butt out just right? Your not letting him see your c-section scar are you? Oh, remember not to try and touch him when he gets into that position cause he'll lose his erection if you do" . I'm sorry, it feels very much like our problem folks. So Ria, I do empathize and I am there with you. I don't hurt myself though and I do pull myself out of getting too down on myself about it, because while it hurts I have to remind myself that intimacy is not supposed to be about if I am looking the "part" enough. It is supposed to be about the two of us loving each other and expressing that love for each other. Its not selfish.

      I am just now realizing that I have been a part of his problem, by allowing him to believe that kind of sex was ok. And by not standing up for myself and saying I deserve better. And girl we do.

      I do not know your whole story, but for the sake of looking on the bright-side, he did confess this to you. Let me tell you, after 12 years of trying to figure this out I have NEVER had my husband do that. That is progress, or it seems that way to me. I know it hurts and you don't want to be here AGAIN, but I would have preferred I gotten that from my husband rather than having asked him repeatedly if he was slipping up, having him deny it repeatedly, and then waking up to him watching it in bed next to me, which is what I got. So you be the judge, its your situation, is it progress? If so, I know it hurts, thank him for the progress he's made. And then explain to him what that does to you, what square that puts your relationship back on, so to speak. While its awesome that he made progress and could confess to you his slip up. It doesn't make it hurt any less. While it is true, it is THEIR problem, and it definitely is, it hurts! And he needs to make it right when he can, if he can.
      In the meantime, do things that make you feel better not worse about this. This is coming from someone who has been there and is there again (And mostly I'm giving this advice to myself as well) Find the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them, not things that will make it worse like allowing yourself to wallow in the what-ifs (thats what I've been prone to do in the past). Acknowledge where you are and make it better. You can't rely on him for that. He has to fix his stuff. You work on making you feel good. Whatever that may be. -thewife