importance of being earnest

pierre1234 · Mar 1, 2015

Day 1

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Did I use porn today?YES
What were my triggers?Didn't do work as planned, something I was expecting to be done quickly was delayed.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?By watching p*rn and mstb*
What am I grateful for today? Had an honest chat with myself on the importance of being earnest, and the need of agreement between my values and actions
Day counter!1
Day 2 ^_^;
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Did I use porn today?Not so far
What were my triggers? Work getting stuck, images of an actress, neglect from boss, productive work only 2 hrs, thoughts of ex
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?Went to toilet took some wall press and practiced some punches
What am I grateful for today? productive work only 2 hrs, call to a friend some mis understandings sorted out, you for listening
Day counter!1.9
Day 3
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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers?Work frustration
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?running, yoga in toilet
What am I grateful for today? running
Day counter!3
Day 4
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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers?work stuck, bill board picture
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?playing game
What am I grateful for today? four and still sober
Day counter!4
on the edge. can't sleep.hope some one reads. and understands. My values are in conflict with my addiction. I will regret it either ways, so why not do some right things. objectification of woman is to be resisted. Think of the porn actress as a human being. Would you as a human being peep into another human being's private acts. You are more than the pleasure craving part of brain. You know there are subtler pleasures in life. Perhaps you will never find love again, but you might take pleasure in hoping. No self pity and no playing the victim. your life your choices. Shit happens, but as long as it doesn't hit the fan its ok. Think of death, think of the universe, think of the unfathomable mysteries of life. Time is precious. Don't waste it staying numb. Don't be a shell. Be visceral .Stay hungry Stay foolish
Day 5

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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers? work not working
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?exercise in toilet
What am I grateful for today? cooking with friends
Day counter!5
Day 6

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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers?demands from family, work meeting not as productive
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?eating junk food, browsing internet
What am I grateful for today? being sober
Day counter!6
I realize that I use porn to relax and sleep.I am feeling pretty edgy and not able to sleep. I was sleepy at work because of which meeting didn't go well.I am feeling like an insomniac.should I just give up and relax? To sleep perchance to dream? life is feeling too bland. too cold. A little warmth might end up being a wild fire which I cant control.I shall play myself to sleep.
Day 7
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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers?work no progress, feeling sleepy at work
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?cold shower
What am I grateful for today? cold shower
Day counter!7
Day 8
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Did I use porn today?No
What were my triggers?family problems
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?sang songs
What am I grateful for today? talked to a friend
Day counter!8
Afraid to be alone with myself. Might trip.
Day 42
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Did I use porn today?No But I read a rather raunchy novel, and looked at revealing images of a beautiful actress.
What were my triggers?job loss, cold attitude by 'friend who is a girl'
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?Slept (I could because its a weekend)
What am I grateful for today?The sun after a cold spell, 40 minutes of running
Day counter!42

Jonathan · Mar 1, 2015

Hey, one of my favorite plays! You got this man, pulling for you
I totally forgot about those little questions.

pierre1234 · Mar 14, 2015

Day 14
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Did I use porn today?Not so far
What were my triggers?an actress in a movie , some scenes in a reality programme
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?I took a walk
What am I grateful for today? A fortnight of rewiring
Day counter!14
I am feeling very depressed. After a few days of improvement in my focus, I am loosing the grip on my life. My job requires a lot of motivation and after giving up porn I am in this state where I do not feel motivated to work. Without the prospect of PMO after work, I feel the world very bleak and can't overcome the slightest of road blocks. I am feeling very irritable and actively look for distractions and the improvement in focus had turned negative. I am single and after a rather disastrous relationship, I am planning to stay single for some more years (I want to focus on my career and be prepared financially when I meet the right one ). I wanted to quit porn because it clashes with my ideas and values, but it seems I am still very much in its grasp. Being a veteran at quitting (some part of me always find it hard to believe that I was some one who enjoys objectification of a fellow human being ) I know how I fall back. It starts with frustrations in life leading to a search for escape, which after games and books leads to movies . From there the descent is rather quick to certain scenes which is soft pron and then to porn proper.
I am feeling very low today. I tried to talk to friends but they were busy. I ended up watching movie whose actress looks very similar to a girl I know. It is not porn , not even soft core, but I am feeling out of control. I can't sleep . I thought of working myself to sleep, but work reminds me that I am a failure. Why does I have all these feeling if it is so bad for me. I will relapse any way, so why not save me some trouble and I do it right away. My attitude sucks.
I nearly lost it but for the emergency tab of nofap. I haven't hit the gym yet and I keep making excuses to postpone it. To be alone with yourself, accept how sick you are, realizing that you still are worthy of being saved and moving on with life.
Day 15
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Did I use porn today?
What were my triggers?
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
What am I grateful for today?
Day counter!

pierre1234 · Mar 15, 2015

Dear actress,
I must congratulate you for bagging some very fit genes and being lucky enough that your circumstances lead you to a position in which you can influence a lot of people. The characters you represent are very realistic and in our disconnected world, you form a common link of human desire. I haven't see you in flesh and blood and probably we have never been in the same city at any given time. But yet I am familiar with every curve of your body, every expression in your face. You see there are these collection of small paint droplets and small light bulbs which I have access to, which has an uncanny resemblance to your three dimensional profile as seen by our binocular eyes. I am sure at some region in space and time these collection of droplets/bulbs were highly correlated to your 3D profile, probably while you were trying to bring to life the images in the head of a fellow human being. So at those times you are a chimera nay a chimirage : your 3d profile is inhibited by a mind trying to be one with a mind which another had made up in his/her mind, aided all the time with cutting edge illusions. But in the real world we have but one body and mind and I don't know anything about your mind. Well in principle I can read up all your interviews and keep track of the gossips, but even then you wouldn't know my mind. And without mental engagement bodily engagements looses its meaning.Or so I thought until I found that these chimirages you project can mess with my mind and deepen the fault lines in my character. Of course its my problem, I cannot complain that its Van Gogh's fault that every time I look at his painting I get nausea. If it bothers me so much then I can just stop looking into it. Art, music and literature are all society's ways of distracting itself but in your case the chimirages you project are more potent and more pervasive and the collective super ego compels their consumption under the guise of "entertainment". I wrote this in an attempt to for my real mind to talk to your real mind, so that the next time your chimirages try to cause trouble to me I could say to it, "look you are not real, I have tied to communicate with the real mind residing in that bundle of flesh, blood and bones".

Jonathan · Mar 15, 2015

Hey, I've been through a similar thing many times, it really sucks, sometimes I just have to take things one day at a time. What is something you can do in place of porn? Exercise? Meditate? Write? Maybe even just create something, as sexual urges' purpose is for creation. Your emotions will get better and things will brighten up. You are powerful because you are human, you got this!

pierre1234 · Mar 20, 2015

I watched lingerie photo shoots today. Was having a rather clear head. I guess I lost it.Mental fog is the biggest problem I have and in my line of work its important not to have it. I think I am really afraid of winning the war against porn. Its as if leaving a panacea against all stresses or a best friend who had 'helped' you out in spells of loneliness. I am thankful to you porn, but you are causing much much more harm than good and hence I think its time to end our relationship.
Do not objectify women. Porn workers are laborers dehumanized due the emerging market of alienation in the society. If demand stops supply too will.

pierre1234 · Mar 20, 2015

P but no MO. Wasted the whole night. Can't go to work . Why can't I quit. Need support group. I was trying to test how strong I am. One thing lead to another.Watched porn proper. I hate myself.

mtaha2015 · Mar 20, 2015

relax.
get back on track.
focus and concentration is required.
don't swing or fight too much with the pull.
just simply choose to avoid.

pierre1234 · Mar 21, 2015

The tendency to watch P arises from/results in a constant search for distraction. So I should get out of this distraction addiction at first. I shall do it by mindfulness method. At least for the next 100 days I decide to not watch any movies or read books that remotely contain any mention to erotica. I shall listen to songs , audio only with no video.I may have to face a flat line for this but better this than relapse again.

pierre1234 · Mar 22, 2015

Had a WD . Doesn't count as relapsed. Seem to have a calming effect at first. Later found it was silence before the storm. Wanted to listen to music while cleaning. Looked at a video song. Then slipped on to P from there. Need to practice mindfulness.

mtaha2015 · Mar 22, 2015

good , strategy

pierre1234 · Mar 23, 2015

Did I use porn today?Yes (my definition of porn is rather strict)
What were my triggers?Loneliness, Feeling left behind, uncertain future
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?Saw a movie, Played games , watched porn
What am I grateful for today? A smile from a distant acquaintance (The little things in life)

pierre1234 · Mar 24, 2015

Another night spent edging. Sad that my mind attains flow state while watching porn.
"In positive psychology, flow, also known as zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does. Named by Mih?ly Cs?kszentmih?lyi, the concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields, though has existed for thousands of years in other guises, notably in some eastern religions.[1]

According to Csikszentmihalyi, flow is completely focused motivation. It is a single-minded immersion and represents perhaps the ultimate experience in harnessing the emotions in the service of performing and learning. In flow, the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand. The hallmark of flow is a feeling of spontaneous joy, even rapture, while performing a task[2] although flow is also described (below) as a deep focus on nothing but the activity ? not even oneself or one's emotions.

Flow has many of the same characteristics as (the positive aspects of) hyperfocus. However, hyperfocus is not always described in such universally glowing terms. For examples, some cases of spending "too much" time playing video games, or of getting side-tracked and pleasurably absorbed by one aspect of an assignment or task to the detriment of the assignment in general. In some cases, hyperfocus can "capture" a person, perhaps causing him or her to appear unfocused or to start several projects, but complete few."

mtaha2015 · Mar 25, 2015

pierre , you lost your focus.
welcome back.
make plans for this time.

pierre1234 · Mar 30, 2015

No MO for 30 days. I had been through very hard times . I had edged but walked away . I had sleepless nights. Middle of work I felt rushing home.
The best thing I got out is my superego changed from a cynical bully to an understanding friend. Brain Fog issues still remain, may be P is responsible.
I had tried many times earlier. Sexaholic Anonymous seemed very ritualistic and faith based. It didn't work for me. Good Site . Hope my posts helps some of you in such ways as some of your posts helped me.

pierre1234 · Apr 7, 2015

Had another WD. Didn't go to work. I am edging all the time. Whole night at times. Strong urge to M. Can't really let go of P. Might get fired from work. May be its too late to save this job, but even if I am fired I shall not relapse to MO. But what do I do about P?

pierre1234 · Apr 11, 2015

Got notice from the office that my contract won't be renewed after this month. Thanks PMO. So I have to look for a new job, and as I cannot afford to live alone, I have to move back to my parents. Its embarrassing, while my 'friends' have better jobs, cars, spouses, and their own kids even I am still single and what more living with parents. I have not heard from my 'friend who is a girl' for a week, who was one inspiration to move away from PMO. I was hoping for a relationship update to gilfriend, but since I am jobless etc she is not the priority for me and I am not a priory for her. Watched P regularly because of the stresses. but didn't do MO. I skipped work for two more days, because nothing seem to matter any more. After a bit of soul searching I came to the following decision
1)No PMO hard mode
2)Use computer only for work
3)No games like GTA
4)Relax by meditation, music and musceles
5)Update journal everyday
6)No watching GoT
7)Show the SoB at office that with what ever left of the month I can get lots of work done!
P.S. I think I watch Game of thrones for its pornography content, may be I shouldn't watch the fifth season.Is there any fellow abstainers?

pierre1234 · Apr 19, 2015

I relapsed just when I was nearing half of my project. Had WD in morning. Was a weekend. Edged for hours. Then Finally gave in. Funny the tabs in browser when I relapsed, A page about Philosophy, several about no fap and one about a soft core porn movie available without any restriction in internet. I have been using P substitute leading to P for a long time into reboot. Now I am really going hard mode with disciplined use of internet and spending strictly 5 minutes on newspaper and not reading books or internet in toilet or bed.

pierre1234 · Apr 20, 2015

Wondering I am getting sucked up to the PMO hell again. M'd today to a fantasy, No P or P substitutes. Cut down browsing on internet. Was worried about a family problem and M was a way I found to relax and go to sleep. Need to let go of these stresses in a better way. My mini goal is now to go without PMO for 3 days without provocations.

pierre1234 · Apr 21, 2015

I M'd again. Triggers nothing to do while waiting for sleep. Reading a novel. mistress scene. Grateful: Fruitcake

importance of being earnest

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