Not a step backwards

[Discipline]

  Hello everybody. I've been PMOing since I was 14 and it's been getting downhill in the last 6 years. I got hooked on porn because it was so hard for me to look for a date because I'm ugly, so I got frustrated and angry and started fantasizing about you know what as a way to relieve, to avenge life i guess. I had some concerns about masturbating and looked it up and found all the good things such as it's natural and it's good for you etc. I think that further reinforced me into doing it more and more and more. I was just feeling like doing it because I hate the fact that I have to work harder than a normal person to achieve anything ( not just dating) because people usually ignore me cuz of my look, then I thought about my dating experiences, got frustrated and fantasized ......... Vicious cycle went on and on.
  I finally found the girl I love and married her, but my frustration with life is still there and porn was still my depression med. And the sex got less and less rewarding and I made her sad. I love my wife a lot, she's so special and I never want to make her sad. I started connecting the dots and googled about my bedroom problem and found YBOP. I'm here now on the way to recovery. I'm doing this for my wife
  Today I will start learning some new skills, maybe exercise, stop hating and be friendly.

 

[noises1990]

Come on... You're not ugly man... You just see yourself that way due to some unknown reasons.... If you were really ugly you wouldn't have a wife that loves you and is there for you. Related to your problem... Yeah, I totally relate to the doing it for the wife/girlfriend, but see that you're also doing it for yourself! Don't stop man! You can do it!
Also, always talk to your wife about your problems... Communication is the way and usually solves a lot of couple problems.

 

[HGA321]

 
  I finally found the girl I love and married her, but my frustration with life is still there and porn was still my depression med. And the sex got less and less rewarding and I made her sad. I love my wife a lot, she's so special and I never want to make her sad. I started connecting the dots and googled about my bedroom problem and found YBOP. I'm here now on the way to recovery. I'm doing this for my wife

Hi Discipline,

I am married as well and relate to the issues you are having with your wife. My PMO related issues have been hurting my relationship. As my ability to become aroused and finish during sex decreased it  hurt my wife because she thinks she is doing something wrong or that I no longer find her attractive. Also, the guilt of looking at and lying about PMO has been damaging.

Reading all the information on YBOP, here and other people's stories has given me hope that I can undo the damage I have done to my sexual ability and restore the physical relationship with my wife. I had tried to quit porn many times before, but like you started around 13 and it was such a strong habit I could never keep away for long. Now that I understand the detrimental effect to my mind and relationship I have a much stronger resolve.

...If you were really ugly you wouldn't have a wife that loves you and is there for you. 
...but see that you're also doing it for yourself! Don't stop man! You can do it!

^ Also, this!

 

[jkkk]

Discipline,

Just like you I'm married as well and the truth is that PMO and everything with that really does affect a relationship.

I can totally see where you are going with that.

I think it's so bad because it happens on a few levels. First is that when PMOing, we know deep down - regardless of your religious/moral views - that we are being dishonest with someone who is just so special and just so close. And this produces massive guilt. Guilt in itself affects you strongly and is a emotion strong enough to send us PMOing again, just to deal with those emotions, to silence them. It's good to be conscious about guilt, think about it and try not to let it take over. I must say myself I experience cycles of guilt. They are really bad.

Second is what happens with all the brain chemistry - desentisizing to normal sex and sentisizing to PMO. That just means we are getting less and less able to really be with our wives, to be with them with all our soul and body. It blocks one's sexual expression. And I agree with what you wrote. My personal problem is PE but honestly I also have problems with ED. It always was like that: I had really fantastic erections for P and not so much for real sex.

And I'm very much with you as regards using PMO as medication - I think this is the most scary part. I done that for a very very long time, basically as a solution to every problem.

I can also see analogies as regards you story with girls - it also happened to me that I wasn't really able to have a girlfriend. It was never working out for me - until the relationship with my now-wife developed. I guess it's also a pretty tough thing to live with, in a way. I sometimes thought what would it be to be with other girls. Many times I used this as an excuse to PMO. I'm afraid this might be an issue in life scenarios like that.

It's good that you're out here. If you wanted anything let me know.

Be strong, bro, it will get better! Let's believe and hold on together!

 

[Discipline]

First of all. thank you for all your support
Week 1 report: I played soccer and was amazed at how weak I was. I used to play in semi Pro League and I couldn't last more than 5 mins on the field now. I think MO has sucked all my energy. Met some new people in my profession. And this _________________FLATLINE________________ big time. I think all I need is patience cuz quiting porn is not hard though. Well, it's only 1 week. Let's see if i'm really as tough as I think I am

 

[jkkk]

I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that you are tough and that things will go really easy. I think this can happen, especially if you have a strong resolve and you're really determined. In any case, share with us how is it going!

 

[SETI]

Time passes on its own. Every day we are unwiring ourselves from porn, when we stay away from it. You are making progress and whatever happens during your reboot, it was there disguised all along. All the weakness, pain and what not we have to face. But in my belief, facing that and overcoming it makes us truly tough. I believe there are good things ahead of us. Not always pleasurable, but good. Keep it up and be mindful of the sneaky ways of PMO-addiction!

 

[Discipline]

Hi guys. Thanks for reading. I'm just feeling a little blue, how i ended up like this, etc.... just wanted to talk it out
So I've had sex twice since rebooting, the first time was ok sex though, my erection was like 60%. The second which was 3 days after, erection was like 50% and when I orgasmd, i felt little satisfaction if anything at all, I felt semen leaving thru my penis and that was it, there was no kinda like high feeling you're supposed to get, and my penis immediately shrunk into flaccid mode in about 3 seconds. And after that my penis has been flat and tiny, and no cravings whatsoever. Is it sexual exhaustion am I feeling ? I mean I always had a feeling that I like sex, but now sex seems like no more than a word to me.
Anyone has any thoughts please share. Thank you
Oh and weirder thing is a couple of days after that, I had a wet dream and just before when I was about to cum I woke up and my penis immediately stopped the process even though it had already jerked once and I felt pain down there only at that moment.
If it's too much info please let me know so I can delete parts of this post

 

[SETI]

Hi guys. Thanks for reading. I'm just feeling a little blue, how i ended up like this, etc.... just wanted to talk it out
So I've had sex twice since rebooting, the first time was ok sex though, my erection was like 60%. The second which was 3 days after, erection was like 50% and when I orgasmd, i felt little satisfaction if anything at all, I felt semen leaving thru my penis and that was it, there was no kinda like high feeling you're supposed to get, and my penis immediately shrunk into flaccid mode in about 3 seconds. And after that my penis has been flat and tiny, and no cravings whatsoever. Is it sexual exhaustion am I feeling ? I mean I always had a feeling that I like sex, but now sex seems like no more than a word to me.
Anyone has any thoughts please share. Thank you
Oh and weirder thing is a couple of days after that, I had a wet dream and just before when I was about to cum I woke up and my penis immediately stopped the process even though it had already jerked once and I felt pain down there only at that moment.
If it's too much info please let me know so I can delete parts of this post

This is your journal. You decide how you want to use it and how graphic it should be. I think most guys on this forum have had similar experiences and if there is ANY place you can share this, its here.

Also, sex with a partner releases dopamine, but not in the same quantity as internet porn does. Therefore, your brain is not reacting to the dopamine from "normal stuff" and needs a huge stimulation to send signals of pleasure. That will change with time. The longer you stay away from porn, the more your brain will become sensitive to normal stimulation, like sex.

It can take a long time and that's what makes it so hard. But just think if you take a shortcut on your lawn for years, there will be a path formed after a while. Then you look at it and realize it looks bad and you would like the lawn to grow back there. What do you do? You stop walking there (abstain from porn), you put new seeds (get into life), and you wait. Slowly the lawn will grow back and you can enjoy a nice garden again

 

[SETI]

For the record, since I've learned a bit more about it, actually the thing that makes the dopamine release from sex better is because of intimacy with another person, and that releases a neurotransmitter called oxytocin, which protects us from overstimulating the dopamine receptors. Therefore there is a difference in effect of sex and solo orgasm.

Of course I am no expert on neurology, so take it as it is

 

[Discipline]

Thanks SETI. I didn't expect you to revive my thread after more than 7 months. You are such a helpful, responsible and diligent guy. I wanted to find my thread to continue my journal but i was lazy to even search for it lol. And my journal has been read more than 310 times. Wow ! I'm glad people finding it helpful or just looking for information.
  Well, i guess no more excuses. My journal continues:
  I can have sex once a week now with 80% erection, more than that and I would return to extreme flatline. I'm also having problem with releasing just a little early. I still have zero sex drive most of the time and all the sex has all been initiated by her. For a period of time I thought I had recovered but after cumming in 2 consecutive days, I returned to flatline, feeling like I'm back to square one.
  I think I feel kinda numb thinking about this whole reboot thing, probably because I had been thinking about it too much and thinking doesn't make it go faster. What I'm saying is I'm so used to rebooting that I'm not even aware of it anymore. It's more of a lifestyle now.