Steven's Journal: One gay man's story

[StevenT]

Thanks, Lyon. I have to trust you guys who have gone through this experience that feeling will return and I'll be able to get turned on and hard without my porn crutch. I'm not so good at being patient. What are your thoughts on masturbation without porn? Should I hold off and just focus on trying to have real sex with my partner even if my dick isn't working? I've never gone this long without an orgasm.
Thanks for your help!!

 

[Phase2]

Go all out, Steven. There is no half way. If you want it to work, go hard mode. And that means a period with NO sexual thought or pixels or dating sites or tumblr or fantasy, etc--including your bf. Read through this thread. Gary Wilson has some good tips:

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=21259.175

 

[lapdog]

Hey Steven, thanks for sharing your experience. Reading about your experience is like reading my own. It was initially the PIED that got me aggressively thinking about kicking my porn habit. I love my partner so much and I feel disappointed in myself that I've let our sex life deteriorate. I'm also disappointed because I used to be a strapping stud and extremely sexually confident. The last few years it's waned so much that I'm physically insecure with limp dick when I need it most. I envy you at being 38 days in your reboot. I'm only on day 2 now--but I have gone as long as two weeks before during previous attempts to reboot and during that period of time I could just start to see that there was a bright sky beyond the hazy fog. I dread this reboot process and hope that it hurries along, both for me and for my relationship.

Thanks again for being on here and sharing your experience!

 

[StevenT]

Hey Lapdog, I'm glad we're going through this experience together! I can totally relate to how PIED makes you feel insecure sexually. It really does a number on our heads and to our sense of self worth when we can't get it up for the person we love. I've turned to porn for so long to avoid being intimate that I'm terrified I've done lasting damage. I haven't really missed the porn but I also haven't felt much sexually these past few weeks. Phase2 says this is the time to wait and let things heal and rewire. Good luck and keep me posted on your progress!

 

[marsturm]

Hey Steven, Thanks for posting in my journal, it's sure great that you're a member of the Nation! We can do this, as I've written many times. I just ordered "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, and I recommend you read "The Serenity Principle" by Joseph Bailey. Although I recently relapsed, this is the book that made me have my first 60 days clean of PMO between December and February (after trying many years to stay clean longer than 1 month through a 12-step-group and psychotherapy). Good luck to you. Be well, brother, we're all rooting for you. Happy Friday!

 

[lyon03]

Hey StevenT! Congratulations on reaching 40 my friend. That's a very important milestone. I look forward to your next post brother.

 

[StevenT]

A quick update on how it's been going with me. It's now been over 40 days since I last looked at porn and one month since I've been sexually active. Yesterday morning I did MO while lying alone in bed thinking about some of the guys I see at the gym. It's been a long time since I've jerked off just using my imagination and not looking at porn. It wasn't that great. I thought I would have this huge explosion since it's been over a month, but I wasn't really in to it and didn't get very hard. I plan to avoid doing any more MO and instead focus on having contact with my partner. I'm still struggling with not feeling attracted to him. Hopefully I will regain some of the old feelings I had when we first met. Porn has taken away any feelings I did have.

I deleted all the bookmarks to my favorite porn sites and videos on all my devices and deleted Grindr, Scruff, Tumbler and all the other sites that lured me in to endless hours of fapping. I had some anxiety about doing this because I've been so damn attached to the dopamine rush I've felt from these sites. It really felt like an alcoholic pouring out the booze! I also started reading "Breaking the Cycle" to get a better understanding of how my addicted brain works. The most helpful thing by far has been reading about everyone's experiences on this site and the words of encouragement I get from you guys. I'm grateful to have found this community.

 

[ready2go]

Right on StevenT!!
40 days and beyond is such a great achievement.  I get it, it's hard not to ogle those dudes at the gym and have them on your mind later.  Or at least I have them on my mind later.  So I'm not so sure that's too dysfunctional, really, in the big scheme.  They are real people, and seriously, if they didn't want people looking at their bodies, they wouldn't look the way they do.  That's kind of the point, to look great and attract positive attention.    I know we're not supposed to objectivize others; I got that.  And then I live in my real world and have to take some pleasure where I can get it.  Not that I'm whackin all over the place.  Like you, I'm certainly not.  But you know it happens and then we move on to something else. 

It's great that you share your concerns with us.  We each have our unique angle and lens through which we see the world.  Focusing on all the things other than porn is what we're here for.  Some guys can go without MO forever, some don't.  Keeping our perspective and realizing moderation in all things isn't necessarily a bad thing works for me, at least.

Keep going man.  You're really doing great.
R2G

 

[lapdog]

Way to go Steven. Grindr has been my devil and I'm happy to say I'm now 7 days free of the app and I'm feeling productive and free without it. The urge to constantly check my phone for new messages is still there but I can feel it waning slowly but surely. Keep up the good work. I enjoy reading your journal.

 

[StevenT]

Thanks for the encouragement guys! Ready2go, I like your perspective on looking at the attractive guys at the gym and wanting to MO. Going PMO-free for the past 40-some days has heightened my sexual awareness and tension. The feelings of lust can be very powerful, especially at the gym. I need to find other activities to relieve that tension besides porn. It does feel really great to have a hard workout and then relax in the whirlpool. I even tried the cold shower thing tonight. Not bad!
Have a great night, guys!

 

[lyon03]

I recently gave up eyef*cking at the gym (see my post yesterday for more info). I gave it up because I realized several things: first, I can't f*ck myself to a better body or bigger d*ck. Sex (whether gay or straight) isn't like pixie dust, meaning sex with a guy who is bigger and more hung than me doesn't change me so I'm essentially screwing a fantasy. Second, most of these guys have no interest in sex with me. Third, I saw another guy leering at some 20-somethings at the gym and it struck me, "Man that guy looks like a complete pervert." And finally, life isn't some glorified porn scene. Not everyone is a potential f*ck buddy and not every situation in life is a potential porn set. My two cents! 

 

[marsturm]

Well said, lyon03. For me, believing that I don't have to MO when I have a boner after flatline is the biggest challenge. MO in my case leads to PMO. (I know after two relapses after day 60 and 34. This includes the infamous chaser effect.) Any suggestions? Have a wonderful day, my friends. PS Congratulations, Steven, on the Cold Shower Challenge. You're the man!