Out of balance.

[Spanky]

Hi everyone. Today I chose to take action on the PIED I've been struggling with for a while. I won't bore you with the details other than to say I've used internet porn since the late 90's as a replacement for sex. Last year I chose to make some major life changes and divorced my wife of 19 years. The marriage was pretty much flat for the past 10 years with the usual marriage counseling and long discussions about her low libido from her depression medication (she was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and has been on meds for 20+ years).  We would have intercourse together only once or twice per year, so internet porn pretty much completely replaced sex for me.

Anyway, after divorcing and meeting a new partner, I've found I was having trouble getting and staying hard. I did the prudent medical checkup and all is well there, so I started reading and listening to podcasts in search of information on age-related ED. That search eventually brought me here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I went about 15 years before recently having some wine with my new friend. I've since realized that alcohol addiction is just part of me and I just need to stay away from it. But it tells me that an aspect of me is an addictive personality.

Anyway. I've been fixing neglected parts of my life for a while now and it's time for me to address this one.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated. 

 

[LTE]

Hi everyone. Today I chose to take action on the PIED I've been struggling with for a while. I won't bore you with the details other than to say I've used internet porn since the late 90's as a replacement for sex. Last year I chose to make some major life changes and divorced my wife of 19 years. The marriage was pretty much flat for the past 10 years with the usual marriage counseling and long discussions about her low libido from her depression medication (she was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and has been on meds for 20+ years).  We would have intercourse together only once or twice per year, so internet porn pretty much completely replaced sex for me.

Anyway, after divorcing and meeting a new partner, I've found I was having trouble getting and staying hard. I did the prudent medical checkup and all is well there, so I started reading and listening to podcasts in search of information on age-related ED. That search eventually brought me here.

I'm a recovering alcoholic and I went about 15 years before recently having some wine with my new friend. I've since realized that alcohol addiction is just part of me and I just need to stay away from it. But it tells me that an aspect of me is an addictive personality.

Anyway. I've been fixing neglected parts of my life for a while now and it's time for me to address this one.

Any thoughts or suggestions are greatly appreciated.

In the time I've been on this journey I've come to the conclusion that you can have real sex or make believe sex, but not both. Porn and masturbation seem like a substitute for sex, but, in all reality they aren't. In that sense it is much like alcohol addiction. Alcohol is frequently used to self-medicate but it solves nothing. Porn and masturbation seem like a shortcut to sexual satisfaction but, in reality, they are an express ride to sexual frustration.

 

[Spanky]

Thanks LTE.

 

[Spanky]

I made it through Sunday without my usual 3 or 4 PMO sessions. Each time I wanted to load a site, I came here instead and read the posts. I was spending hours at a time before and thinking I was being productive. I'm realizing I was just throwing away hours.

 

[LTE]

I made it through Sunday without my usual 3 or 4 PMO sessions. Each time I wanted to load a site, I came here instead and read the posts. I was spending hours at a time before and thinking I was being productive. I'm realizing I was just throwing away hours.

That's a good strategy. I spent most of the first year using the recovery sites as a hobby to reinforce my resolve.

 

[Mart71]

Hi,
I spend decades of my life with porn instead of a real partner myself. Even when I had a partner, porn never went away. I have been on my own the last decade and substituted a real partner with porn all the time. P.I.ED was the embarrasing result when I finally found someone new and exciting.

However this new partner also motivated me a lot to remove porn from my life, along with several other bad habits that I am working on one after the other now during my recovery. Relying on a partner for this is dangerous, but also quite rewarding as one can celebrate the progress from rebooting with them.

So Good Luck to you, I hope you will enjoy your life after porn.

 

[Viper]

Welcome-
Plenty of room for another to join the community.
Read your profile and it looks like you've had some challenges in your life.
I read where you had couples/marriage counseling.

May I ask if you ever visited a therapist for your self?

 

[Spanky]

Viper,

I've done some marriage counseling in the past, but that was not specifically for myself. When things were bad, I would focus on raising my girls and I'd spend some time riding my motorcycles and running with friends. My kids are grown now, but I still get to see them often. 

 

[Spanky]

My girlfriend of more than a year bolted today. Last week I tried to share what I was doing here, but due to past bad experiences with men and porn, it caused a rift in an otherwise rock solid relationship. I attempted to explain porn isn't a replacement for sex with her, but I know she felt like is was.  I miss her.

 

[LTE]

My girlfriend of more than a year bolted today. Last week I tried to share what I was doing here, but due to past bad experiences with men and porn, it caused a rift in an otherwise rock solid relationship. I attempted to explain porn isn't a replacement for sex with her, but I know she felt like is was.  I miss her.

I am very sorry to hear that.

 

[Mojo]

Hi Spanky, Sorry to hear about your GF.  I hope it does not alter your resolve to quit your addiction, as this should be about you becoming the person you want to be.  In time if she sees your resolve to beat this, she may come around.  If not then you'll be better ready for your next relationship.

Good Luck

 

[Blue Bird]

Hi Spanky:

I am also sorry about your GF. If she is so hurt about all of this, I would say that the only medication to cure it is the time, as long as you have the time to wait.  If you think that your trying to tie this relationship is hurting you excessively, turn the page, together with your new expectations of no PMO. I know it is very easy to say this, but if you hurt yourself so much, it will be more difficult to get recovered. Think about it and stay together with us. If you feel like you want to tell more about your feelings, go ahead. We will listen.
Take care.
Blue Bird.

 

[Spanky]

Thanks for the encouraging words.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I had to reset my PMO counter this evening. The first week wasn't too bad, but the past several days have just been filled with overwhelming cravings to PMO... to the point where I didn't sleep much last night.  I don't think I really considered myself addicted until this weekend.

Good news about my GF (well, good to me anyway). She came back and apologized over and over for bolting. Turns out her ex-husband and her father both have serious multi-decade porn addictions, but they maintain complete denial.

I thought I was doing good by telling her about what I'd learned on YBOP and the steps I am taking to solve this difficult (and humiliating) PIED, but in reality I hammered directly on a nerve. She shared some info from her perspective and a website that may help the partners of others here: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/2011/01/shes-been-hurt-by-your-porn-use-three.html

Humbly making another run at my 15 day goal.

 

[LTE]

Thanks for the encouraging words.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I had to reset my PMO counter this evening. The first week wasn't too bad, but the past several days have just been filled with overwhelming cravings to PMO... to the point where I didn't sleep much last night.  I don't think I really considered myself addicted until this weekend.

Good news about my GF (well, good to me anyway). She came back and apologized over and over for bolting. Turns out her ex-husband and her father both have serious multi-decade porn addictions, but they maintain complete denial.

I thought I was doing good by telling her about what I'd learned on YBOP and the steps I am taking to solve this difficult (and humiliating) PIED, but in reality I hammered directly on a nerve. She shared some info from her perspective and a website that may help the partners of others here: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/2011/01/shes-been-hurt-by-your-porn-use-three.html

Humbly making another run at my 15 day goal.

You can do this Spanky, you truly can. It is a real addiction, no less so than liquor or drugs. But, YBOP has taught us how the mechanism works and that is enough to free you from this problem. Believe me, if I can get free, so can you. Tell your GF that you love her.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Glad to hear your GF came back. It sounds like a tough situation, but could also be an opportunity for both of you to heal and grow?

Oh, have you considered some kind of porn blocking for your devices? Some guys find it helpful.

 

[Spanky]

Thanks CrazyGopher. I have not. I'm a system admin and I know too much about how blockers work.

 

[LTE]

Thanks CrazyGopher. I have not. I'm a system admin and I know too much about how blockers work.

It similar for me. I spend enough time troubleshooting networks that a blocker would be too easy to defeat.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Thanks for the encouraging words.  I'm not proud to admit it, but I had to reset my PMO counter this evening. The first week wasn't too bad, but the past several days have just been filled with overwhelming cravings to PMO... to the point where I didn't sleep much last night.  I don't think I really considered myself addicted until this weekend.

Good news about my GF (well, good to me anyway). She came back and apologized over and over for bolting. Turns out her ex-husband and her father both have serious multi-decade porn addictions, but they maintain complete denial.

I thought I was doing good by telling her about what I'd learned on YBOP and the steps I am taking to solve this difficult (and humiliating) PIED, but in reality I hammered directly on a nerve. She shared some info from her perspective and a website that may help the partners of others here: http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/2011/01/shes-been-hurt-by-your-porn-use-three.html

Humbly making another run at my 15 day goal.

To tell or not to tell, that is a loaded question.

As a lady, I can attest to the cognitive dissonance of learning about p-addiction. First, understand that this is a real humdinger of a revelation to put at her feet. I know you guys are proud (as you should be) with the positive changes you are taking on. It may seem a little different for your partner.

When I first found out about his PMO obsession after years of PIED, I was relieved "YAY!" we have a solution to the disconnection and our sexless marriage! He doesn't have cancer or diabetes or some other mystery illness - BUT I was simultaneously "WHAT?!" he prefers sitting alone with a flickering computer rather than enjoying my glorious company and delighting in the glow of my feminine wiles?

Trust me, those two thoughts will fight for dominance in her head because they cannot occupy the same lady's cranium without heavy medication or a one way trip on the Existential Express - "All Aboard to Why-am-I-here-ville?" (toot-toot)

The only way to really put it to rest is with invested connection and bonding. You've taken the first step by making the personal commitment to eliminate PMO.

 

[Blue Bird]

Spanky:

I understood exactly what SO Reboot Partner told in her message. For the same motives I decided not to tell my wife. There would be immediately a war at home. As you already have taken the step and told her about your PMO  addition, I wish you the best and  go ahead, maintaining your commitment. I am sure she will be at your side due to the similar experiences she has in  her home. Good for you. Both of you will be together on your recuperation.
Regards.

Blue Bird.

 

[Spanky]

Thanks Blue Bird. Things are going remarkably well. Is been a couple weeks now, and the typical recovery effects are happening as so many others have described here. My GF and I have phenomenal sex, and I don't even need to think about loosing, or not having, an erection lately. I do get the occasional PMO craving but they are subsiding somewhat.

Overall I'm very happy with my progress.