Another setback

[ChangeNow]

After a relapse a little two weeks ago it's been downhill sense then. Have had at least 4 PMO sessions in the last week. I got the high and could not stop. I started looking at something, I dont even remember what it was, and I was off. Started looking at videos and unable to MO at that time. I became obsessed with finding those same videos and PMO to them. Now I got those images and feelings racing in my head.

Honestly, at the moment I don't feel like I should. I am not as disappointed in myself as I think I should be. I don't think I have reached the bottom of the pit that usually makes me stop.

Good news is that even though I don't feel that bad, I am here! I do want to stop and hope by posting it will encourage me to recommit to the process. It is amazing how you can have two completely different thoughts and desires at the same time. I do want to stop before I hit the pit.

I was doing well and now not so much. This is not the life I want....I must stop.

 

[Jimmy James]

You have not failed until you quit trying.

Why did you get high?  Was it the getting high that was the trigger or was the trigger something that led you to get high, which simply weakened your resolve a bit?

 

[ready2go]

We are here to backstop you Changenow.  No worries bud.  Just pull yourself back over onto the path with us and we'll keep you safer.  Stay here posting and reading.  You shouldn't feel bad, so glad you don't.  No worries.  Just keep going where you left off.  Just a momentary lapse a few times and then back up on the horse.  It is as JJ says, only problematic if you stop trying.  All that progress you've already made is still here, still with you.  So now that you've caught yourself, good time to straighten it back up.
Stay with us man.  We all have weaknesses.  There is no shame in that.  Overcoming them as you've done is something to take some pride in.
R2G

 

[ChangeNow]

JJ I wasn't high on drugs. I was high on the feelings that porn provided at the time. Part of the addiction... I get on the binge and it is like being on drugs always looking for more and unable to stop.

 

[lyon03]

We've all been there brother and we're all just a click away from relapse. Keep fighting the addiction. Think: what am I going to do differently this time? Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Jimmy James]

I apologize for jumping to conclusions.

The point remains that you need to identify and then prevent whatever triggered you to view porn.

 

[Fappy]

Jesus screaming rat-balls christ the amount of times thats happened to me! It could come from anywhere, those triggers. And then. Bam. Hits you right in the gut.
After that its just looking through a haze of dopamine at a screen.
Also masturbating.
Well, just try to remember these feelings and think how feeling like this isnt worth the pissy little high you get from porn.

Fap

 

[KennyPrester]

I don't know how many times I've had the same thing happen to me. Identifying triggers really is very important, and trying to learn something specific from each relapse.

I went through a really dark period recently of almost total absorption in porn. But all the while, I knew this program, and these buddies,were waiting for me, and that I would return. And that is a HUGE part of what saved me and is saving my life.

Stay with us. We'll stay with you. Keep posting. Ninety days. We only have to do them one at a time. Each day, in fact each moment that we are porn free--is a solid victory.

Kenny

 

[ready2go]

I've come so close to just going ahead and PMOing the last couple of days.  I don't know why exactly.  It's like, "Oh, I've beat this now so I can go back and have a look at get one of those highs just for a bit and it won't bother me".  Fortunately I read your posts here and find, nope, I can't really do that without consequence - the hazy feeling worse than I already feel feeling. 

So thank you for being honest with us and posting your setback here.  It helped me. 

I need to figure out something else to do today to get me away from all of it.  Take the day off from work and hit the beach, yeah!  No signal, no porn.  Just sunshine and nature. 

 

[ChangeNow]

I don't know what happened except that I let my guard down. After the first relapse I didn't focus on the negative things. So when I started to get tempted it was easy to go that route. I think the trigger was two fold I was feeling a little down and the relapse 2 weeks ago made me desire that fake good feeling. Those 2 things always do it.

It stinks because I was feeling really good before with my progress. I know I can't focus on the past failures and just on the goal ahead.

I will be porn free it is something I need to break free of.

Thanks for all the kind words. Stay strong ready2go keep up the fight brother.

 

[ChangeNow]

Just an update. So far so good. The urges aren't to strong...yet. I have had the passing thought and have dismissed it. Overall I feel like I am getting back to where I need to be. I am starting to feel better about myself and have moved on from relapse.

Like they say one step back but two steps forward, just keep making progress. I now from the past that there will be more difficult days, but reading many of your posts have strengthened me to keep up the fight.

I realize that porn is only a fantasy life and that I need to focus on the real life in front of me. It will be hard having lived a life of being too scared to talk to girls in school and living in my own created worlds for over 30 years. When ever the real world gets to stressful or I am alone my habit has been to revert to that scared teenager and want to live in fantasy land with my imagined friends.

No more! No more porn!

 

[jstock]

Hello change. I had the exact  same thing  happen to me. I was 98 days  of no pmo. I started edging on YouTube , then I thought, maybe I could  find the one video that I really  liked. Well, I never found that video,  but I sure had fun looking  for it. I had about  a week of pmo'ing. I kind of gave up for a couple  weeks. Then I put my big boy pants on, and reset my counter. It really  was poor judgment on my case. I'm back  to 12 days. The demons are really  pulling  at me tonight. Hopefully  I fall asleep. None of us are perfect.Change it's time to come correct,  and get back with us 

 

[Chile]

Changenow I noticed it has been awhile. I hope you are doing well. My prayer for you is that you would be free from shame and condemnation if you have been struggling lately. I PMO'd today and should get around to re-setting my counter. I know how you feel and just want to see you back on Reboot.

 

[Dharmabum]

Check in when you can, Changenow.  We're rooting for you and, as you can see from this thread, we've all been there.  You don't have to look for the bottom before you get back on track.  We know how the bottom feels, and if you can rely on your sense memory to remind you of how crappy that is, you'll have leverage to get back on board and start over.

You can always start over.  We only fail when we stop trying.  Fall down 40 times, get up 41.  All those cliches are true. 

Onward, my friend.  You can do this.

 

[ChangeNow]

Thanks for all the nice thoughts! I am doing pretty well, no relapses. I had a some wrong thoughts about what sites to lookup just now and so I checked in here, so it was perfect timing to read your comments.

I was trying to not read to much on the web about PMO, to not start any triggers. I have noticed in the past the more I read about not PMOing the more I would think about it. So out of sight out of mind thing.

I have not given up and am determined to overcome this. Keep up the fight, I will keep checking in.

I was thinking it had been to long even with my trying not to think of it

 

[KennyPrester]

ChangeNow,

I'm so glad to see you posting, that you're here with us, that you're doing well. I've had some serious struggles myself recently. But it's good to know we're all in this together! Every moment that we are porn-free is a victory.

Kenny Prester