Another Start, a Brand New Day.

[Promise]

Hi guys, gonna make this first post fairly quick as I have work in the morning.  I've been having bad luck with P recently, caving into cravings, just about keeping myself from full on binging.

The purpose of this journal is to re-inforce the importance of getting clean, and explore some new methods of doing so.  Ways of avoiding porn and ways of removing temptation and forgetting cravings.

I intend to start documenting the cause of relapses, and the boons that aid successes.

Today was strange.  I finished a 74 hour week today.  Came home and had cravings as per usual.  Had a bath and got a bit carried away with myself, but stopped.  When I got out I reached for the phone and went to my usual P sites.  I was just about to start when I got a tinder message from a woman who wanted casual sex.  Very atypical.  I started a tinder account for casual sex, figuring anything new that puts me out of my comfort zone is worth trying at least once.  Let me know if I'm deluded.  Long story short, she agreed to meet me in my car.  I was all ready to go, she said she was getting ready.  45 minutes passed and still no answer, so I finished my P session by just thinking about her instead.  Not sure what to make of it, but I know it's not really healthy for me.

I intend to go hard mode, abstinence where possible.  Share with me what works, what doesn't.  I'll write more soon, go into some more detail.

I want to quit porn because doing so would make my life better.  Binging makes me feel immeasurably worse.

Love and Strength
-Prom

 

[Promise]

Day 0

Emotional overload.  I've been up and down all day, depressed, excited, upset, then feeling no specific emotion, but just feeling tense.  Work was fairly boring, that's out the way.  My emotional state is really unpleasant, and I've been feeling sick on and off, almost like being hungover.

Starting tomorrow I'm going to start a new thing, where I try and do one positive or constructive thing every day for at least 10 minutes, whatever it is.  From doing something creative, or just helping out a friend, I want something to feel good about every night.

I'm gonna leave it there, as I'm rather tired.  I'm a little apprehensive, as I'm getting braces tomorrow to fix my teeth.  It's something I've been wanting to do for a long time, as they're getting worse as time goes on.  Not looking forward to having them though!

I'll write more tomorrow
Love and strength
-Prom

 

[Promise]

Day 6

The day I got my braces I felt terrible, but they needed me in work, and I went in for an intensely uncomfortable shift.  That was on a Tuesday.  The next three days I was off with a fever of varying severity.  I felt so crap, I binged.  I understand the logic there is completely flawed, but I did it anyway.  The last time was last Friday night, and it's been almost a week since then.

I've felt better, my emotions have been more balanced, and I've just been trying not to think of it.  I've managed to abstain relatively comfortably, but I havn't been doing my positive/constructive thing since then.  I think I can start today with the tiny workout I had.

I'm feeling a bit of a craving today, probably brought on in part by a provocative Facebook photo my friend posted.  He was posing next to a scantily clad woman, and I could swear I recognised her, but I had no idea where from.  In the end I hid it and moved on, but not before being triggered by the photo.  Anyway, now I'm feeling ennui, which is usually a strong trigger for me.  I must find something else to do to take my mind off the ennui, or otherwise just weather it.  I always feel sooo much happier being myself when I've abstained for even just a week.  The biggest motivation for me is just being comfortable being myself.  When I binge I feel worthless and paranoid.

Seeing some friends at the weekend which should be nice, then the week after I have a pretty crappy work shift pattern, then after that I'm off to Germany to see a friend of mine!  So there's that to look forward to!  After that my shift pattern turns normal for the summer, so I plan on joining the gym my friend goes to and going in the evenings.  Good exercise and diet does wonders for one's mood.

Something positive:
I motivated myself to work out.  It wasn't much, but it's better than nothing!

 

[Promise]

So I caved in a couple of times last night, I believe it's because I didn't stay strong enough.  I should have just got up and walked away, had a think about it, or talked to some friends.

I should have abstained, really I know I'd be less disappointed today.  Still, I made it one week, and I feel confident that I can go on for longer this time, and I'm not feeling too beat up about it.


Cause of relapse:
Ennui.
Not talking myself out of it.

How to deal with it in future.
Get up and leave my room, take a walk and have a think.

 

[Belly]

Install a adult content blocker my friend. It will make it harder to find porn when you get urges, giving you time to compose yourself.

 

[Promise]

I have one on my PC, but I've yet to find a good one for my Android phone

Or even a good accountability app or something.

 

[Promise]

Day 12/13
Hi Reboot Nation!

Things have been going okay for me, this is the first day where I've not really been busy for well over a week.  I like it that way, keeps me busy, keeps me doing interesting things and hanging with people I care about ^^

Last weekend I spent five days in Germany visiting a female friend, which was great.  She has a boyfriend, so there was no funny business (I met him too, great guy) but it was really nice to hang out with a member of the fairer sex.  I feel like we connected really well and I've made a very good friend.  Been working a fair bit, hanging out with my friends too, doing things I don't usually do like going to Leicester Square for a comedy movie quiz night in a cinema, which was awesome!

I've been 13 days sober by this point (just about) and in this time I've MO'd twice.  During this reboot attempt I've done things I don't usually do.  Drunk more often than usual, which is usually a really strong trigger for me, and I've MO'd a couple of times, which usually triggers a massive chaser effect.  I've managed to stay strong, and I'm happy with my progress.

I've been feeling some withdrawals today though; minor cravings, headaches, melancholy and a sort of foreboding feeling, like I won't be able to cope with what's coming up.  Feels kinda like my brain is trying to get me to use.  But I don't want to.  Life is much better without it, even with these uncomfortable feelings.  I know they'll pass.  Also it appears my Nan is having some health complaints which is really not good news, so I'm worried about that.

Even though it's been a proper day off for me, and I've played a fair bit of League Of Legends, I feel it's rather well earned, and I've also managed to do some other things too.  Tidied my room, did most of the laundry, signed up for the gym, cooked dinner for the family and finished writing a sort of short story/bio thingy.  So I've not been completely lazy tomorrow I intend to organise piano lessons if I can, and prepare for a job interview I have coming up.

I feel more motivation to do this things which is nice.  Replacing PMO with things which I find fulfilling and constructive.  My work schedule has changed to a more regular one, so I'll have time to go to the gym in the evenings, which I plan to do 4 times a week hopefully.

Still, even with all this I have those uncomfortable withdrawal feelings looming over me.  They will pass though, right?

Enjoy your Easter weekend, people!
Strength and love
-Prom

 

[Promise]

Day 16

I feel so frustrated right now.  I'm carrying on, organising to see friends, working hard, I went to the gym for the first time and booked a piano lesson today, kept on top of housework, that's all great.  Sometimes I feel tired and anxious, that's fine, chalk it down to withdrawals/recovery.  Something that's driving me mad though is lack of intimacy.  Now I don't know whether I'm actually just craving dopamine, or whether intimacy is genuinely what's getting me down, but I just want to connect with a woman.  My frustration is kinda caused by dating sites.  Tinder and OkCupid.  I'm sending a lot out and getting nothing back.  I probably shouldn't let it get me down, but it's starting to irk me.

Obviously people aren't obligated to respond to me on those sites, but it feels like I'm doing something wrong.  The advice I gave myself this morning was to calm down, relax, focus on important things and the other stuff will come in time.  It weighs heavy on me like a sadness, crops up on me when I'm alone.  I should probably take my own advice and be patient.  I just so feel like I'm ready for a girlfriend, I want all of the exciting things that come with forming a connection with someone, the physical and emotional.

Well I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing.  There's that little part of me in my brain saying "You're lonely, you deserve a little pleasure" but I'm not going to cave in and M.  I'm going to ignore the tricks and stay strong, I'm gonna get better and better.

 

[Promise]

And no one's replying to my thread either D:

 

[presson]

Hey man. Glad to see you're going strong. I think what you're experiencing is fairly common. Usually at the beginning there's more ups and downs, but as you get going and start developing patterns and better habit, the novelty of those positive changes can wear off. Personally I think that overall it's better to live a more generally balanced life than one that rages between major highs and crushing lows. I hope you manage to find a way to channel your angst/loneliness into motivation to keep going. Remember that you're going through all this so that when you do find someone you can have a closer, more real and connected relationship. Good luck.

 

[Promise]

Thanks presson, means a lot.  I'm gonna stay strong and keep going.  It's still getting me down a bit, but I'll take your advice

 

[jnv]

Hey there Promise. Glad to see you are back on track. I hadn't been successful either with P in the last month but I'm back too.
Regarding dating websites, I do not have any experience about it but I know for a fact that women on there are solicited A LOT and then do not even take the time to answer to men.
So don't do yourself down about it, it means nothing at all. Some female friend of mine even told me that it was good to boost their ego to see that they have many requests from men, but that they do nothing about it....so that really isn't representative of how good or bad you actually are.

I know what you mean by being lonely. I am lonely as well now because I don't really have the time to see any of my friends with work and studies. I could try to get a gf, but unlike you, I do not feel ready now and I don't want it to happen now.

Stay strong man.

 

[Promise]

Cheers jnv, makes me feel a bit better about being rejected

I really don't like the dynamic of dating websites.  I have had some dates before from dating websites, so they can work, but I won't be fooled into thinking rejection reflects in anyway on me.

Mind if I ask why you don't feel ready?

 

[mtaha2015]

presson, you mentioned above in your post extremes highs and low. I was just asking, how to manage sexual energy. these energies haunt you all day, after 3 weeks in reboot.these cravings come hard after 3rd and fourth week of reboot process. how to manage these energies to avoid extreme high ? and then extreme low.

 

[jnv]

hehe yeah, I only tried dating websites once for one month like 5-6 years ago. I got 4 dates in total but wasn't pleased with any....

Well, I said I wasn't ready but it's more about not having the time for it right now. Between work, classes at night (+study time required at home) and the free time I need for my hobbies, I don't see how I could start a new relationship right now. If I already was in one, it could have worked with some organisation but starting one isn't something I could see happening because I find the beginning of relationships quite exhausting and I wouldn't be able to focus on my exams as good as now if I have to think about whether it's gonna work, playing ping-pong with sms etc...

So I put all the relationship stuff in parenthesis and work on my reboot, studies and workouts which are my top 3 priorities right now. It's hard enough to thrive in all 3 while I dedicate all my concentration to it..... ^^

 

[Promise]

That's probably a really good idea.  I, myself, keep thinking about relationships and loneliness, and it really gets me down.  It's like rebooting makes emotions go haywire, so I felt my loneliness amplified.  I had a couple of beers last night while I was out, don't know if that was any contributor, but the loneliness certainly was.  I practically felt physical manifestations of my anguish, and in the end I relapsed.

I sort of just gave in to the pain and cravings.  Thing is, P won't solve the pain long term, it will prolongue it.  I shall bear in mind all of the positives of quitting porn for 20 days:

• Increased motivation - I developed a just do it attitude, joined the gym, booked piano lessons, just got on with it.
• Higher levels of happiness.
• Increased desire to see my friends.  Although the last two days I had very little social stamina and felt tired.  I found this troubling.*
• Felt more confident and practical.
• Felt more comfortable and happy in general

*So one of the things I like most about rebooting is that I feel much closer personal connections to people.  Last couple of days when I've been with people I havn't really felt that.  Although I found this troubling, I recognise that all of the good things that come with a reboot can come and go until the reboot is complete.  Same with the cravings and negative emotions.  When it comes down to it, I just don't want P in my life.

 

[Promise]

Day 0:

So I had a few days of weakness, and in the same vain as the last post, I think I'll note some things I felt after relapse:

• Self-conscious around people, uncomfortable and not able to talk freely.
• Lack of confidence and low self-esteem.
• Less self-control, urge to relapse further, and urge to gawk at women in the street
• Low motivation.  Things just became much harder to put effort into.  I found things just came more easily when I'd been clean.
• Desire to stay home and do nothing.  Much less pleasant to do my job.

The two ends of the spectrum are fairly far removed, and it's so clear which end I want to be on.  The last couple of days have been very unpleasant, and I never want to go there again.  There have been high points, like visiting the gym and knackering myself out, but I just feel like half a man when I'm 'using' and I hate that feeling SO much.  Never again.

 

[Promise]

Day 1:

Had my first piano lesson yesterday which I'm happy about, I've wanted to learn for so long.  Because of a few things, I didn't have time to go to the gym yesterday, I was going to go today after work, but between picking my car up, cooking for my family and having to get up at stupid'o'clock tomorrow I just didn't think I could fit it in.  I'll either go after work tomorrow or early Saturday I think, that way I'll have been twice this week which is acceptable I guess.  Ideally I want to go 3 times a week to start with.  Even though I had that relapse, I've built my life up to the point where it's full of fulfilling things which I'm carrying on with.


I really want to watch P right now, but I hate HATE the feelings that come with it although I really want to watch it, it's just not worth the downsides, and so I can't bring myself to do it.

 

[jnv]

Hey buddy. I see that you are struggling a bit at the moment.
Get your shit together and start a badass streak right now!!
You > Porn

 

[canttugwonttug]

You can do it man, just turn that shit off!!!