Gr?y Journal

[Gr?y]

I'll introduce myself here as Gr?y. I am 35, and have been using internet pornography since I was about 15 years old. I am married and have two young boys with a third on the way.

In 2010/2011 I had an awakening of sorts that led to about 120 days of sobriety, followed by a short (3-4 days maybe) relapse. Then another 90 days being PMO free before another crash. Those were the longest periods of sobriety in the past 20 years. For the past couple of years I have been PMO almost daily. Although there are occasional stints of 4-5 days where I am too busy to act out, those are usually just coincidental.

A few months ago, after what I would consider a rough (not rough as in separation or divorce, but not ideal) year for my wife and I, we found out she was pregnant with our third. We've had sex maybe five or six times since then, but my P usage has jumped up considerably.

I often find myself fantasizing about my wife during the day, then turning to P since it is available. By the time I get home at night I have nothing left for my wife. Nothing, no energy, not even any real desire. I feel horrible for writing that because I do love her. She is beautiful. And even now, maybe even especially now, that she is pregnant I want to be intimate with her. But I just can't seem to find it within me.

Three times during the last week she has initiated sex. That is somewhat out of character for her, so I felt like I had to respond, only to be smashed face first into PIED. I've never had that trouble before, but lately, even when she is willing and immediately available, I feel nothing.

I last used P on Sunday, PMO was sometime before that... maybe late Thursday early Friday. I'll be conservative and say that puts me headed into my third day.

I don't want to hurt my wife any more. I don't want my kids to have a father who is addicted to pornography. I don't want to be the liar and coward that I have been.

I don't know if I'm really looking for any advice here. But this community seems supportive and I hope I can help others and possibly find some encouragement myself.

Starting day three. My first goal will be just 14 days. I will try to post daily, and hopefully move on to my 30, 60, and 90 days for a full reboot. My end goal is to be rid of this part of me forever. But for now, its just 14 days.

 

[Europe1]

Hi Gr?y,

You made a good decision coming here. Keeping a journal really helps, as it will give you some sense of accountability towards others. It works very well for me so far, haven't watched porn for 37 now. Thanks to the great people on this forum.

I see you have been doing very well in the past, so I am sure that you can do it.

When it comes to your case of ED, it can be intimidating for a man when his wive is sexually demanding (e.g. by initiating sex more often then you feel you are in the mood for it). It can make you feel that you have to deliver, which triggers a stress response and kills your erection.

Just know that there is nothing wrong with your dick. You are just not excited because she is not 'new' and different every day. Talk to her about it, it helps to prevent ending up in a downward spiral.

Still, you are not doing that bad at all. You seem to be a morally well developed person and a committed family man. Congratulations on your 3rd child! You can do it!

 

[Gr?y]

Two hours to go for 4 days.

I am feeling some urges today. My work is pretty technically demanding. Often when I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, or just generally not understanding something that I should be able to figure out, I start to get urges. That's me running from things that make me feel uncomfortable, or more accurately, make me feel... insufficient.

I used to be confident. Confident about who I was, and what I was good at. I've played soccer my whole life and always excelled at that, but age and health have been catching up to me and I am no longer capable of what I once was. I used to consider myself a very good engineer, but constantly shifting responsibilities at my work for the past 7 years has left me feeling more like a "Jack of all trades, Master of none." Add to that the shame and disconnected feeling that PMO injects into my soul and I've got very little confidence left to face my problems head-on.

In reality, I would be better at almost everything I love to do had I not devoted so many hundreds (even thousands?) of hours to P. All I can do is not give away any more.

 

[Gr?y]

Day 5.

I'm still very early in my reboot, but I would say I've had either very weak urges or non at all. That seems somewhat odd since I was PMO'ing almost daily until a week ago. During my first reboot about five years ago I made it through the first two weeks fairly easily, but the urges came back eventually. I know they're not gone yet, I guess I'll just count myself lucky for having it "easy" so far and hope it continues.

On the other hand, I'm still in a bit of a situation with my wife. In two weeks she's taking our kids to go visit her parents for a week. I'll stay home and try to get started on a small remodel project we have planned. I suspect that she'll want to be intimate before she leaves, but at this point I really don't feel like I can. In January of 2011 (in the middle of my 2nd 90 day reboot) I told her about the years (decades) of porn addiction I'd had up to that point. While she handled it reasonably well I know it hurt her. She does not know about my 4 year relapse leading up to this latest (and very hopefully last) reboot.

On some level, I feel like I just need to get out of my own head, relax, and ED would probably not be an issue. But I'm not completely convinced it's that simple, and I don't want to just "give it a try" for fear of repeat failures. In the mean time, she comes to me to cuddle and hasn't tried pushing past that yet. I'm happy to give her that, but I want more time to keep it there.

 

[self_indulgence]

Gr?y,

Congrats on your day 6!  You are doing great! Try not to over analyze too much or doubt of all the efforts you are giving out here. You have good intention for you and your family, they are proud of you. Things will become better over times, take it easy and relax. I started to learn to receive my wife more openly after reboot (only 1 week in the reboot) , I see good response, I did not judge or resist, and let thing happen naturally.

Keep up the good spirits!

 

[Gr?y]

Day 8.

Keeping busy at work. Ramping up the busy at home. I'll post more later, but for now I just wanted to check in and keep the counter going.

 

[Gr?y]

Day 9.

I wrote a cool counter widget for my phone that tells me up-to-the-hour how far I am into this reboot. yr:mo:wk:dy:hr - So right now it says 00:00:01:02:02. I feel really good about this week. But, in the grand scheme of things, a week is nothing.

I first started looking at porn when I stumbled across some old magazines someone had thrown out into an empty field not far from my house. I was young enough that I didn't know anything about masturbation then, but I did enjoy the magazines several times before they were gone. A few years later I found another batch hidden under a shed in the back yard of an empty house (there was no fence around the yard). Again, no masturbation, but I clearly remember the pictures. I stumbled on masturbation sometime after that. At the age of 12, found out my dad has his own magazine tucked away in his dresser drawer (I was looking for his pocket knife). That lead to my full introduction to PMO.

At 15, when we finally got a new computer with internet (dial-up) there was nothing to stop me. I knew computers better than anyone in my family and my bedroom was the only one downstairs with the computer. Addiction was not far behind.

I managed to stay clean for about 1 1/2 years when I was 19. But other than that and my ~120, and ~90 day reboots about 5 years ago, I have using been pretty much constantly. I.e. Averaging 3-5 times per week, sometimes multiple times per day. Rarely going a week or so without PMO.

Anyway, roughly 19 years of near constant use is approximately 1000 weeks. And I'm feeling good about a week!? It sounds stupid, but its true. I do feel better. When the temptations come I just need to remember - I have ALWAYS regretted giving in; I have NEVER regretted staying away from PMO.

 

[Gr?y]

Day 10.

The dreams.

For the past four nights I've had dreams that I was looking at/watching porn. Each night is completely different, different types, different places. In some dreams I am alone, in others I get caught. I always wake up regretting that I gave in. But, then I realize it was just a dream and start to feel a somewhat muted relief. I'm glad that I didn't actually give in, but I hate that I'm here in the first place.

Temptations still aren't too bad. Although, today I found myself flipping through some chive posts. There is no nudity there, but really, their target audience is single college guys, what do I expect to find there? Anyway, I closed it and moved on. No escalation beyond that point, no desire to do so.

Moving on... I'll be busy enough tomorrow, and Friday I fly out of town to go to my grandfather's funeral. That means Friday-Monday will be filled visiting with family I haven't seen for several/months or even years. Given my busy schedule I have no doubt about completing my first goal of 14 days. But as soon as I fly back home, my wife and kids are leaving on their trip for over a week.

Then, the real test will begin.

 

[Gr?y]

Day 0.

I made it the full 14 days and completed my first goal. Only to toss it out the window later that night.

I'm feeling a little discouraged. Not too bad. I'm really just more concerned about my upcoming week and a half of bachelor-hood.

To make it worse, I've got two nights with my wife before she leaves and I'm not at all confident in my... abilities.

I feel like I've got a lot more to say, but I'm typing on my phone, standing next to a charging station at the airport. So, I'll do it later.

 

[notgivinup]

Graey...I found your journal today and have read your posts.

I resonate with a lot of what you have written. I have 4 kids, I stumbled on porn for the first time while I was cleaning up an empty lot for a business owner. Someone had thrown a bunch of magazines into the dumpster where I was supposed to empty the trash I was collecting. I ended up inside the dumpster looking at everything in there.

I am on about day 56 right now...and while that sounds like a lot....in the scheme of things I feel like a fool - for all the years of waste and loss because of my pmo.

But, I have to remember (we all have to remember) that the pmo started on a day, and was a day by day thing. Reboot and recovery will be a day by day thing. Today, I will choose to the the right thing.

I'm sorry about the stress you are feeling with your wife. I know all about that...it sucks.

But, if you stay in this, you will recover and things will get better. They will. I have experienced it. I was so PIED messed up....that for about 5 years I couldn't have sex with my wife. In the past 56 days....it's been an incredible reversal...and is getting better, i think. Everything's not perfect, but a huge turnaround from what it was.

If you haven't listened to the videos here, or read the information on this site...you should do that. Get Your Brain on Porn, and read it. It will help a LOT.

I'm really glad I found your journal today. You are doing great...and I look forward to hearing about your successes. You can do this.

pmo are NOT an option.