side effects from your addiction

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chickaboomski

Guest
This is everything I wish I could say to my partner...

Here is the deal,
My brain tells me I am not to blame, science tells me I am not to blame, My brain tells me this is not my problem but yours, science tells me it is a chemical war in your brain.
I tell you, this does not make it easier.
I feel rejected when I fail to initiate intimacy,
I feel alone when you get up and take your phone to the toilet for half hour each morning,
I feel inadequate when you can't ejaculate with me,
I feel anxious to know you have several hours alone at home without me,
I feel angry when I check your history,
I feel sad that I check your history,
I feel depressed I can not make you happy sexually,
I feel disconnected from you emotionally to still be here by your side and know all of what is going on,
I feel scared to say anything in fear of losing a true soul mate,
I feel sick from the basis of my existence to tackle it,
I feel shame for allowing it to go on, I feel a good man is getting further and further from my reach,
I feel like leftovers when you reach out to touch me,
I feel you will never understand my feelings.
I feel I deserve not to feel this way.
I feel like your sickness has made me sick.
I don't know how to help you,
I don't know what to do,
I don't want to feel this way anymore,
I don't want to hurt anymore,
I do know I am beautiful,
I do know I am caring,
I do know you are a good man,
I do know you love me,
I do know that may not be enough,
Because although I know this, I do not feel this,
I do know that all these racing thoughts, anxiety, depression, negative feelings,

Are literally from your hands not mine.
And I do know, I can take the power back.
Please don't make me.
I love you

 
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chickaboomski

Guest
If only I had the guts to say it :'(
I don't know how to even begin to approach this subject. We are both non confrontational people. I have approached it before without letting him know how bad I feel. It's like we are best friends who live together and would do absolutely anything for each other, no effection. No intimacy. In fact I get more regular hugs from my friends.
 
Gracie

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I discovered my husband watching porn.  In looking back (almost 3 years now), it was both the worst day of my life and the best day of my life.  It was the worst day for all the reasons you have above and that I mention in my post in Superman about how the SO feels.  I was cut off not just at the knees but at the ankles.  BAD!  It was the best day of my life because it was the catalyst for a huge dynamic shift in our marriage.  I asked myself so many questions, why? could I stay with him? could I feel secure?  could I just walk out?  what should I do?

I did what I suppose a lot of us do, tried to be sexy.  That did not work at all.  Not even a little.  I felt so unsexy!  Then I identified what I needed to make me feel secure.  What did he need to do to make me feel secure??  So I told him.  In bed at same time.  No getting up.  Hand holding.  Sitting together.  Kisses hello, goodbye and goodnight.  Touching while we talked.  I had read that sleeping naked could help and even though I thought it odd, that was a requirement as well.  Satellite tv gone. Those things believe it or not became our foundation.

So then I launched into finding out why I felt soooo baaadd!  I read and read and read.  I had him read to and watch videos.  But the most important thing is we talked.  You do not need to be confrontational.  You can say, "There is something that is impacting our relationship and I do not feel secure."  I need to tell you how I feel and what I think it is.  You can write it and read it.  You can write it and give it to him. 

It is not a matter of guts.  It is a matter of saving your relationship.  If you two care about each other, your relationship will survive.  You will both change in this process.  But I can tell you, my husband and I are closer than we ever have been and ever would have been.  There are no secrets.  We can talk about anything. Just give it a try.  You do not have to do the whole list you have, but pick the things that are the most essential to be changed.  You will be strong enough.
 
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chickaboomski

Guest
Gracie, you have no idea how much that means to me. How much yours and partners story gives me hope. Thank you Xx
 
Steam rolled

Steam rolled

Active Member
Sorry you feel the way you do, O how i know the feelings you are going threw.
The one way to start to help you and him is for him to know how you feel and how its effecting your togetherness.
He is being controlled by porn and possibly dont realize whats going on and falling apart around him!
There is a whole other person that exsists without porn, a better person MUCH better.

I was never the wife to say No you cant do that or No you cant go, but one thing i will say NO to is being a sneak and taking my heart and trampling over it !!

My SO says he is so glad i caught him,gave him knowledge and he loves the new him & US !
It wasnt and still isnt easy but nessasary!

Good luck & be strong
 
M

mtaha2015

Guest
sides effects of porn addiction
loss of blood
weakness
loss of energy
deficiency of blood due to excessive masturbation
loss of hairs
knee pain
brain fog
lack of concentration on work and school

 
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chickaboomski

Guest
I have done research to find out his side effects. I do know it is a disease. I have worked in addiction of alcohol and other drugs as well as food for some years now. I know his control has been forfeited to addiction. And just like all the other addictions the side effects continue on to those closest. It is hard for all involved. I wish you all the best in your journey to control.
 
Steam rolled

Steam rolled

Active Member
Chicka - another side effect i got from the stress of this was my hair fell out and i mean a full brush after 2 sweeps it was pure horror.
It started growing back slowley even tried medicine to help it grow but it made me pee a lot
So by dealing with the stress better its been coming along the past few months.
Just had the nerve to go to hair dresser last week actually beacuse i felt embarressed by it, and my hair used to be very long.
 
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chickaboomski

Guest
Steam rolled I have had that lately too. I actually rounded up the courage to face the music the other day. My anxiety has become so bad for 2 months now I could not sleep beside him when he came to bed and not shake. The other night I began vomiting.void course we like everyone here have other added stresses in our lives. so it became something that I had to bite the bullet and express my concerns. The following days were Confronting but beautiful. He has not admitted it as an addiction as yet, but we now have grounds to express more for each other. now, as routine  sets back in my anxiety is not as high, but I know it is still a journey we have to do together, and I know he now knows I am aware. the journey to healing has begun. I am still hurting, parinoid, all those things. But now he knows. And I know he doesn't want to hurt me on purpose. So that is some comfort to the ache. Hoping you are well and staying strong Xx
 
sodonewithit

sodonewithit

Active Member
As a guy who put my wife through similar events all I can add is sorry.  I wasn't aware of what damage this problem was doi g to her, us and our house but it's clear now.  I hope he is in a similar spot as I where there is deep love but a clear lack of foresight,  it certainly sounds like you have the caring down.  My wife brought it up in round about ways but never directly,  I wish she had in hindsight.  The issue was mine to own as it is his but unless he stumbles upon it while googling, which I did wondering what porn addiction was, he will remain ignorant.  He will wonder why sex is boring, why he can't get aroused and when you will leave his looser ass. 

I don't want to rain on you but no other guy seems to be able to speak up and my deep guilt says I have to tell.
 
D

dumbdumb

Member
He has to own up to this.  It's the only way.  My wife and I had so many issues around sex...for years.  It wasn't until I finally came to the realization that I had an addiction that things improved 100 fold.  Does he deny he has a problem, or does he sort say like, "oh I should look at less porn, or maybe I look I at too much, I should cut back."  I was there for a while, and it didn't help, he has to admit it to himself first, you second.  Then it will get better.  I wish you all the best.
 
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chickaboomski

Guest
Sodonewithit and tbriana01 thank you for your input. I too bought it up in round about manners for a few months. I stopped completely when his drunken reply one night was he jist needs to get a load off sometimes, making all those feelings of inadequacy cconcrete. because my anxiety had become so bad he wanted to help but didn't know the cause. In my checking his internet history amongst the porn were searches into anxiety so I know he genuinely cares. I handled pretty directly saying almost all of the things above. How he never touches me, and I feel alone. I didn't say I think you have aporn addiction, I said I hope you do so I'm not all crazy. Told him how I have researched it thoroughly and joined forums like this. The following day while on my computer syncing my downloads the science of poem addiction was top of the list and he could see how serious I was. He asked me if I had thought about leaving and I said yes. He has not admitted addiction. He said he can see and understand how I feel, but don't worry he is not. And it's something we have to work out together. I know now he will be editing his history. He is unaware I know about his vault withporn clips on his phone. He asked me if I trusted him and I don't know anymore If I'm honest. I am expecting it to be hidden from me and just be obvious in the bedroom. I have been through some losers and he is not one. Merely caught in a trap like so many others. We both cried and expressed ourselves, but I know our journey has just begun. I am hoping he will own this, whether he discloses it with me or not. I know this must be hugely humiliating to acknowledge and then openly admit to one's partner, so I expect it to take some time before we get to that point. I do hope he has seen enough in me to make the change. He knows I won't stay. No matter how much I care.
 
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dumbdumb

Member
I wish you all the best.  It sounds like he really does care about you.  I hope he gets to a place where he can finally admit he has a problem.  Once he gets there, things get better...much better.  Good luck with everything.
 
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chickaboomski

Guest
So two weeks this morning since I turned his world upside down and expressed my pain anguish and loneliness. How fear of losing me and the following days were full of love, effection and understanding. Then, routine sets in. I knew that if he couldn't acknowledge he may have an addiction, that it would take longer to progress. So here we are, I have recently opened my own business and he is doing the stay at home step dad roll for the past 2 months and at least the next 2. Which, once the kids are off to school leaves him with a free house and a world full of temptation and triggers. The first week he came in and surprised me many afternoons and helped out around the studio. I know this was timeslot he filled with porn usually, so felt despite not admitting it to me, he acknowledged he needed to fill those hours some other way. Week two, things start getting back into routine. The deleting of internet history. The secret vault of porn clips on his phone still there. He doesn't think I know about it, and he doesn't think he has an addiction, so no need to delete it right? Now the hiding and covering up, and lies begin. While he is not lying to me with words deleting history is deceiving if  it is to hide truth from me. So the insomnia creaps back in, the anxiety starts to build again, and the disconnection between us is as a couple is rising to the surface again. I am not prepared to give years of my life to heal a relationship issue I didn't create, and he won't acknowledge. He is such a beautiful man that I love so deeply. The pain to continue on like this I feel will damage us all, kids included if there is no light at the end of the tunnel. *headbutts desk*
 
H

Hopeful Holly

Member
Every line you wrote in the first blog rang true for me.  I have been going through this roller coaster for the last 4 years or so with my husband.  I am very sorry yours has slipped back into his old patterns.  I know all too well how that feels.  Hopeless, defeated, worthless, rejected, unloved.  Let me just share that I have been very open about how my husbands addiction has made me feel since day one, each time he says he'll stop, then goes back to the same thing. BUT the period of recovery time before a relapse has gotten longer and longer?for example it started as 3 days (relapsed for 6 months) get 5 days (out for 5 months) then abstained from PMO for 10 days (relapsed for 4 months) then 1 month recovery (relapsed for 2 months), the last one was after 2 months and this time it's been about 4 and still no relapse.  His attitude is slowly, so very slowly going from him not having a problem but that it was me not being attractive enough, to finally admitting he has a problem and will do whatever it takes to overcome it?.like I said it took 4 1/2 years but at least he is getting help in addressing the addiction now.  He is working the 12 steps with a sponsor and therapy on the side as well as us going to couples therapy and me with my own therapist on the side.  We are no where near being able to be intimate yet but are starting a dialog about it?and his withdrawals have at times been unbearable, but at least now we are on the same page.  I wish you luck, strength and wisdom...
 
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